Kaleidoscope

by Ashley, Kristen

  “You—”

  “You want kids, you just won’t admit it. Or, alternately and more likely, you won’t allow yourself to have them.”

  “Please—”

  “You love me but won’t let yourself have me.”

  “I—”

  “And, baby,” he lifted his hand to my jaw and dropped his face closer to mine, “I’m gonna figure out why. Fix what’s broke in you. Then turn my attention to givin’ you the best life I can for the rest of the time you’re on this earth breathin’.”

  Too much. Too beautiful. Too everything.

  So much, it terrified me.

  As in full-blown-panic, heart-beating-so-hard-I-thought-it-would-burst, -have-to-get-out-of-here! terrified-me-in-a-way-I-couldn’t-hold-it-in-check kind of panic.

  “Please move back,” I whispered.

  “I will. I’ll also give you space. A strategic decision that might bite me in the ass but you need time to think. Seein’ as you’re goin’ to Krys and Lauren when you got time to think, you might get yourself to good women who can give you advice. So that tactic, I reckon, is gonna work for me. What I won’t do is give up. And when I walk away in a second, baby, that’s the only thing you gotta take from this. I’m walkin’ away but I’m not givin’ up. Not on you. Not on us. And straight up, it’s selfish, because I’m doin’ all this shit for me.”

  “Why?” I asked, and I genuinely wanted to know.

  And I wanted to know because I was scared, freaked, angry, panicked, wondering what the hell was wrong with me but I also was clearly a pain in the ass.

  “”Cause you piss me off. You make me laugh. You make me think. You’re absolutely fine with me bein’ nothin’ but me. You’re fuckin’ gorgeous. You’re a great lay. And you like my dog.”

  I stared in his eyes, still terrified, still feeling too much of everything but I said nothing.

  This time, Jacob didn’t either.

  Not until he bent his head, touched his mouth to mine and I felt that soft touch spread through every part of me.

  Only when he lifted his head did he say, “Later, baby. And, heads up, there will be a later, Emme. And it’ll be soon.”

  He shifted two inches away, lifted a hand to sweep the bangs out of my eyes, slid his finger down my temple, over the corner of my lip and along my jaw.

  That touch spread through every part of me too.

  Then his hand dropped away and I watched him walk to the door.

  But he stopped in it and turned to me.

  “Pisses me off you took it. Pisses me off I gotta live without you for a while at the same time live without it for the first time in a decade. But for now, I’ll let you have it. When I come back, though, Emme, I’ll want my kaleidoscope back.”

  I blinked in surprise.

  Before I could tell him I didn’t have the kaleidoscope, Jacob disappeared.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Confirm It’s Her

  Three days later…

  What was I doing?

  I heard the door to the café open, I lifted my head to look toward it and saw her.

  Elsbeth.

  God, she was still beautiful.

  “What am I doing?” I muttered to myself.

  I’d asked for and received her email from a still-mutual friend. I’d emailed her. I’d asked her to meet me for lunch. She’d said yes. So I’d taken a day off work and drove to Denver.

  Now I was about to have lunch with my ex–best friend, my maybe-still boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend.

  And I had no idea why.

  Except for the fact that evidence was suggesting it was a good possibility I was totally fucking psycho.

  She stopped by the table.

  “Emme, wow, you look… you look amazing.”

  She did too. But she always had. Lots of blond hair. Warm green eyes. Fabulous figure. Fantastic outfit.

  “Hello, Elsbeth,” I said.

  “Uh… hi,” she replied.

  I tipped my head to the seat opposite me. “Do you wanna sit down?”

  She looked at the seat then at me, both uncertain.

  She made her decision and I didn’t know if it was the right or wrong one when she sat. From the expression on her face, she felt the same.

  She pulled off her jacket, hooked her purse on the back of her chair and looked at me.

  “Deck told you we talked,” she guessed.

  “That he did,” I confirmed.

  “I, um… he told me that you know…” she trailed off.

  “I know everything,” I verified what she didn’t exactly say.

  “He was always straight up about stuff,” she murmured.

  She would, of course, living with him for years, having him for longer than I had (in certain ways), know that.

  And I didn’t need the reminder that she did.

  Again, what was I doing here?

  The waitress came. I already had a Diet Coke. Elsbeth ordered a sparkling water.

  No, Elsbeth hadn’t changed. Beauty. Class. Even ordering a sparkling water made her seem sophisticated and cool.

  The waitress left and Elsbeth’s gaze came back to me. “I’m glad you emailed.”

  “So it’s true what Jacob said,” I told her. “Mending fences.”

  She nodded, her eyes on me not like she was looking at me but like she was watching me.

  “I know, it seems weird that I’d… well, find out about you two and that would…” She shook her head and didn’t finish the thought. Instead she said, “I just did. But then, that’s always been the way between us three.”

  That was an interesting statement.

  “What’s been the way?”

  “We just work together.”

  I stared at her.

  Maybe she was psycho.

  “Doesn’t seem that way to me,” I pointed out.

  I watched her straighten her shoulders before she said, “It’s weird but it has.”

  “Do you want to explain that?” I requested.

  She didn’t answer immediately. She kept looking at me like she was watching me.

  After she did his for a while, she said, “Okay, Emme, I don’t want this to be ugly, and right now in my life, honestly, I can’t take that. So you should know, if it turns that way, I’m leaving. But you should also know, I was happy you emailed and I’d hoped this would lead to good things, however those came about. I knew, what with the way things are, that it might be difficult or upsetting, but I’d hoped we’d work past that because this means that much to me. And, in the end, I’d hoped that even if it’s weird, our history, things with Deck, maybe we’d reconnect.”

  “According to Jacob, I don’t connect very well,” I shared.

  “Deck’s always right,” she replied immediately, and I blinked.

  “What?”

  “You’re the best friend I ever had,” she announced.

  At that, I again stared.

  Elsbeth went on.

  “You’re smart. You’re funny. You’re loyal. You’re thoughtful. You knew I was messed up, young, stupid, immature, but you were sensitive enough not to lay that out for me. You knew I had an idiotic idea about the life I was meant to lead and you tried to guide me out of that. I still messed up. But I didn’t lose you because you were angry I broke things off with Deck. I lost you because you were getting too close me. We were BFFs. You were over all the time and not just because of Deck. So you found your reasons to scrape me off and move on. Then you found your reasons to pretty much scrape everyone else off and move to some crazy mountain town hours away where you knew absolutely nobody. Coming back to Denver for quick hit visits with friends that mean nothing. Then off you go to your mountain town where you could be what you need to be. With just Emme.”

  I hated to admit it but what she said made sense and that sucked.

  I looked down at the table.

  “Emme,” she called.

  I swallowed and looked at her.

  “I missed you,” she whispered.
r />   My throat closed.

  Her eyes got bright but they didn’t move from me.

  “I knew. I knew back then that he was into you. But he couldn’t be into you because he’d convinced himself he was in love with me. And I knew, in the way you would allow yourself to be, you were into him too. I don’t know why I didn’t love you both enough to step aside. Maybe because I was twenty-five and selfish. Maybe because Deck was everything to me, I just didn’t see it nor did I see I wasn’t and would never be everything to him. But I’ve been living with a jackass for eight years so I could have a maid and a Mercedes and when a woman makes a choice like that, losing everything that was worth anything, if she’s smart, she learns not to make any more choices like that.”

  “I can’t… I…” I stammered, pulled myself together and got on with it. “Honestly, Elsbeth, I’m really happy you’ve made these realizations. I think that’s good. Jacob says you’re spending time with you and I hope as you do you find out what I knew many moons ago. That you’re worth spending time with.”

  She smiled. It was small but it was sweet.

  I kept talking.

  “And I didn’t know why I asked you to meet me for lunch but now I’m glad I did.”

  “I am too.”

  I nodded. Then admitted, “But I think it’s because I’m trying to work some things out. Come to my own realizations.”

  “And I think that’s good,” she said softly.

  “I broke up with Jacob,” I blurted suddenly.

  She blinked.

  Then she asked, “What?”

  “He didn’t exactly accept that,” I shared.

  It was her turn to stare at me

  Then she burst out laughing.

  “It’s not what I would consider amusing,” I said into her laughter.

  She swallowed it down and focused on me.

  “You know,” she started. “I’d always get so jealous when I heard you call him Jacob and he let you. He didn’t let anyone call him that, except his mom and you. Not even me. And I hated it when he’d say, ‘Babe, call Emme, ask her around for dinner,’ and I knew he wanted to spend time with you. And I hated when we’d go to your place and you two would eat and argue and laugh and it felt like I wasn’t even there.”

  We did that to her. Not even knowing it, we did it.

  Being in my end of that triangle, I didn’t see it. Jacob didn’t either.

  But Jacob was right. Elsbeth did.

  “Elsbeth,” I whispered.

  “Yeah,” she grinned, “my boyfriend was totally cheating on me with my BFF and neither of them knew it. But I did.”

  “Oh my God,” I breathed.

  I breathed it because my lungs had caught fire and they’d caught fire because we’d done that too.

  “Lots of ways to cheat,” she told me, her smile fading. “Last summer I did my last stupid act on earth, swear to God, Emme, and I’m sure you know what it was. Totally messed up. But that was where my head was at. I needed proof that I’d made a mistake, I had to rectify it, namely making the decision to leave my husband, and to do that, I retraced my steps to find where I went wrong. Unfortunately for Deck, he gave me that opening by calling me.”

  “That wasn’t cool,” I told her quietly.

  “It totally wasn’t,” she agreed. “It was selfish and stupid and hurtful. But it was the old me. It was the last thing I vowed to myself I’d do as the old me. And doing it made me see I had to get rid of the old me and find a new me.”

  “I wish you’d left Jacob out of it.”

  She pulled in a breath and replied, “I wish I did too. But I can’t change history. I can just make sure it doesn’t repeat.”

  I was not really fired up about where our talk was leading, so I noted, “This is a very weird conversation.”

  “Yeah,” she said softly.

  “I don’t much like it,” I told her. “This part, that is.”

  She pulled in another breath before she said, “I understand that, Emme. Years ago I messed up, hurt Deck, lost him and lost you. I messed up again, again hurt Deck and by extension you. I’d hoped I could make amends, explain, apologize, I don’t know, whatever I needed to do not to have either of those things happen, losing Deck or you. But I understand if they do.”

  I studied her.

  Then I stated, “I’m glad you understand because I can’t go there right now. I’m dealing with some stuff I have to straighten out. And what you did wasn’t cool, back when you broke up with him or last summer. I appreciate you having the courage to call Jacob, explain and apologize and also come and meet me. But I can’t see where we would go, you and me, or you, me and Jacob. Not right now. Maybe someday.”

  I took a breath, gentled my voice and finished.

  “But the way our conversation turned indicates that’s always going to be between us three. And I don’t want to hurt you, but, truthfully, I think the water’s under the bridge. We’re both safe on our opposite sides. Maybe we should stay that way.”

  Her eyes still watching me, I could tell she didn’t like it but she still said, “Okay, Emme.”

  Her sparkling water came.

  She poured it, watching her glass fill, saying, “Maybe it’s best that we don’t, uh… have lunch. I’ll leave you be.” She put the bottle down and looked at me, “But can I say one thing?”

  I didn’t know if I wanted her to. This was strange. There were ways it was a good strange. There were ways it was a bad strange. But the whole thing was just strange.

  The only reason I could think for why I was doing what I was doing that day was that, using intuition, I was amassing whatever it was I needed to figure out what was up with me. Then I could sort through the good and bad and find out what was inside me that was apparently making me stop myself from being happy.

  I mean, boiling it down, I broke up with Jacob (unsuccessfully) mostly because he was a Republican.

  And that didn’t hint at psycho.

  That just was.

  Because of all this, I answered Elsbeth’s question with a, “Sure.”

  “Do not let him go.”

  I drew in breath through my nose.

  “He thinks the world of you, Emme. Way back when and the way he spoke about you last weekend. You need that. Every girl does. If you let everything else in your life slip through your fingers as you move on to whatever it is you’re searching for, keep hold of him.”

  I couldn’t tell her the thought of that terrified me. And it wasn’t that I couldn’t tell her because I couldn’t explain why, even though this was true. It was just not hers to have.

  Instead, I said, “I’ll keep that in mind, Elsbeth.”

  She nodded and took a drink.

  I lifted my Diet Coke and did the same.

  Then she grabbed her purse, put money on the table, pulled on her coat and stood.

  I kept my seat but looked up at her.

  “Be happy, honey,” she said quietly.

  “You too, Elsbeth.”

  She smiled a small smile.

  Then she turned and walked away.

  * * *

  Two hours later…

  “So, that’s what’s been happening,” I finished.

  Harvey, sitting with me at his kitchen table, stared at me.

  “Harvey?” I prompted when he said nothing and this lasted awhile.

  “Give me a sec, Emme.”

  I shut up.

  Harvey looked at his lap. He did this a long time.

  Then he looked back at me.

  “Okay, so, you’re sick for a while, don’t know what it is. You get better, pull yourself together and start dating a man who you don’t know is a felon. You haven’t officially broken up with him, you’re gonna do this not because he’s a felon but because he creeps you out, and immediately take up with another man you’ve known for years. A man who has always shown interest in you. A man who has always shown he cares about you. A man who wastes no time and is very clear after you bumped into each othe
r again that he wants more. Then he spends months treating you the same way, with care and interest, doing so by telling you he loves you and wants to build a life with you. And now you’ve broken up with him because, though I kinda lost it at this part, he and your dad got you new windows. But you haven’t really broken up with him because he refuses to accept that.”

  “That about sums it up,” I told him then clarified, “Except the new windows part.”

  He stared at me again.

  “So what do you think?” I asked when he again said nothing.

  “What do I think?” he asked back.

  “Yes,” I answered.

  “About what?” he asked.

  “Anything,” I replied. “Everything.”

  Harvey took in a deep breath.

  Then he said, “What I think is, it’s way too soon, just a few months, for you to share vows of love and start talking about building a future with any man. My daughter told me she’d found a man and was doing that, I’d be all kinds of worried.”

  “Okay,” I said slowly when he stopped talking but I knew there was more.

  “I also think that no man like the man you described takes a kaleidoscope made of glass everywhere he goes and sleeps with it on his nightstand.”

  I pulled in a sharp breath.

  This time, Harvey kept talking.

  “Further, I think that a girl like you should in no way be living her life in a crumbling mansion up on some mountain all by herself.”

  “Harvey—”

  “And last, Emme, and most important, I think it’s time you stopped existing and started living.”

  I sat back and it was my turn to stare.

  Harvey never laid it out. He was gentle in every way, including verbally.

  “Now what do you think about what I think?” he asked.

  “I think I’m in love with him,” I whispered.

  “I believe that. You say his name, your eyes get funny. Sad. Like you’ve lost him somehow but, honey, all you gotta do to get him back is make a phone call.”

  I closed my eyes.

  “Emme,” he called.

  I opened them.

  “I thought I could make a phone call to get my wife back, my finger would be bleeding, dialing that number over and over again.”

  This time, when the tears hit my eyes, it was Harvey who was swimming.