A Vicarage Homecoming

by Kate Hewitt

  As if Esther could read her thoughts, her older sister said, with raised eyebrows, “So now that Rory’s out of the picture, what about Dan?”

  “Esther…” Anna murmured, looking askance.

  Miriam shook her head. “It’s a non-issue. He’s dating someone else.”

  “Is he?” Rachel looked surprised but not upset.

  “Yes, someone from uni. Lara.” Miriam tried to speak normally but she feared the bitterness seeped out.

  “Since when?” Esther asked, sounding sceptical. “I haven’t seen or heard anything, certainly.”

  “Since Friday night. She came to the surgery.”

  “Only this weekend?” Esther made a dismissive sound. “That’s nothing.”

  “It’s not exactly nothing,” Miriam protested, and Rachel narrowed her eyes.

  “What is that supposed to mean?”

  Miriam shrugged, not wanting to go into details, or to admit that she’d been posted at the window, waiting for them to come home.

  “So he gave her a good-night kiss,” Esther said, surmising the situation correctly, as only an older sister could. “What of it?”

  “Is that what happened?” Rachel asked.

  “Why are we talking about this?” Miriam cried. “None of it matters.”

  A silence fell, blessed but also expectant. Miriam felt the need to brace herself for whatever came next.

  “Because, I think,” Anna said softly, “you’re in love with him.”

  Miriam opened her mouth to say something, anything, but no words came out. Her mind was empty. Her sisters stared.

  “Is that true?” Rachel asked, sounding more curious than anything else.

  “I…I don’t know.”

  “Of course it’s true,” Esther exclaimed. “She’s been in love with him for months. I pooh-poohed it at first, I admit, because of, well, everything. But now I think it might be worth a shot. Dan’s lovely, and he’s spent a lot of time with Miriam.”

  “Worth a shot?” Miriam repeated faintly. “What is that supposed to mean?”

  “Dan needs to realise you’re fair game,” Esther stated. “He’ll never speak up otherwise, because of all the complicated history. Not just Rachel,” Esther added, throwing a quick look towards her sister, “but all of us. He was practically a member of our family, for a while at least.”

  “Yes, and he misses that,” Miriam couldn’t keep from bursting out. “He doesn’t have any family of his own, you know.”

  “Now I feel guilty,” Rachel said with a shaky laugh. “I’m not sure I ever thought through that.”

  “He needs a talking-to,” Esther pronounced. “ASAP.”

  “A talking-to?” Miriam couldn’t keep the horror from her voice. “Esther, please, no. Look…whatever I feel, Dan doesn’t feel it, okay? And I can get over it. Honestly. It’s just…” She trailed off, knowing she couldn’t explain the fun she’d had with Dan, the meals and movies, and of course the overwhelming intimacy of giving birth. Everything. He’d done so much for her, been so kind and thoughtful and funny…

  “You really do love him,” Rachel said in surprise, and Miriam realised everything she’d just thought must have been visible in her face.

  “Yes,” she said shakily, as realisation swept over her. “I really think I do.”

  Esther nodded in satisfaction, her eyes alight. “Then it’s time for an intervention.”

  “No,” Miriam protested. “Esther, I mean it, no. This is something I need to do for myself.”

  Esther sat back, eyebrows raised. “You’ll tell him you’re in love with him?”

  The prospect filled Miriam with terror. It could ruin everything…but it also could be the most courageous and wonderful thing she ever did, the beginning of it all. Was she willing to take the risk? Could she afford not to?

  Miriam thought of all the times she’d said she wanted to make her own way, stand on her own two feet. Over the last few months she’d learned to be independent and she’d also learned to accept help. She’d learned to forgive herself and she’d learned to love others.

  She could do this. She was going to do this.

  “Yes,” she told all her sisters. “I will.”

  *

  It took Miriam two weeks to work up the courage even to think of talking to Dan. She was spurred on by several pointed texts from Esther, as well as the growing realisation that her feelings for Dan weren’t changing. They were real, and she needed to tell him about them.

  Since returning from London, Dan had acted normally around her, always happy to cuddle Lucy, chatting at work, and Lara hadn’t made another appearance, although Miriam was too chicken to ask about her. She had told Dan that Rory had decided not to be involved, and he’d been both surprised and sympathetic.

  “He might change his mind,” he’d told her encouragingly. “It’s early days.”

  “Yes, I suppose,” Miriam had answered, deflated that he still seemed to feel she needed this kind of encouragement. “But honestly, I’m okay, Dan. I don’t mind. Perhaps it’s even better this way.” Hint, hint. One he didn’t take.

  Finally, one early evening in the middle of March, Miriam decided it was now or never. Nothing in particular had spurred her on to this moment—or rather, everything had. All the heart to hearts they’d had, the dinners and films and chats and more. Besides, Miriam was coming to realise she needed to be put out of her misery. Either Dan loved her or he didn’t. She needed to know.

  So with Lucy fed, bathed, and tucked up in her pram, Miriam walked around to Dan’s front door, the one she never used, at half past five on a sunny evening. Her heart was already beating like a drum and she was trying hard not to hyperventilate.

  “Miriam.” Dan looked surprised as he answered the door. “You never knock on my front door. What’s up?”

  “I…” Her voice sounded thin and wispy. She cleared her throat, willing her heart rate to slow. There was a distinct possibility that she might pass out.

  “Miriam? Is everything okay?”

  “Yes. Yes.” A deep breath, in and out, just like she’d done when she was in labour. “I just wanted to…talk to you. If you were free.”

  Dan frowned, clearly sensing something was up, and then he nodded. “Let me just get my coat.”

  They walked in a silence that felt tense and expectant, although maybe that was just Miriam. There was a hint of spring in the cool air as they walked down the high street, taking in the fragile blue sky, the daffodils in pots and flowerbeds on either side of the road.

  “Are we going somewhere in particular?” Dan asked as they passed The Queen’s Sorrow.

  “No…I don’t know.” She gave him a distracted smile. “Actually, maybe. Sort of?” She sounded manic. “I mean…” Miriam shrugged. Her thoughts felt hopelessly scattered.

  “You said there was something you wanted to say?” Dan prompted gently when they passed the post office shop and the village school, The Bell ahead of them, and the church and vicarage visible across St John’s Beck.

  “Yes. Er…” Miriam looked around the near-empty street, wondering why she’d thought going for a walk was a good idea. Could she really tell him she loved him right here on the pavement?

  They’d reached the bridge over St John’s Beck, and soon they would be at the vicarage. It was now or never. Miriam slowed, turning to Dan. He stopped in the middle of the bridge, eyebrows raised, a faint smile on his face. Miriam had the awful feeling he had absolutely no idea what she was going to say. If she really did have the courage to say it.

  “Dan, these last few months have been really…really wonderful for me.” Her face was already starting to flame. “Really…important.”

  His forehead crinkled; he was definitely clueless. “They have been for me too, Miriam.”

  “And I know you have a semi-awkward relationship with my family, because of…well…”

  “I think we’re past the awkward stage,” Dan said with a smile. He took a step closer to her. “But what are
you really trying to say, Miriam?”

  Oh, help. She wasn’t sure she could do this. And yet she knew she needed to, desperately. “I suppose I’m trying to see if my family would keep you from…feeling anything for me.” Dan frowned, and Miriam plunged on, reckless now. “The way…the way I feel something for you.”

  “Miriam…”

  “Look, if this is all terribly awkward and unexpected, it’s okay. I understand that… It’s just I felt I needed to say this. To let you know that I…care about you.” She felt as if she was going to explode. Her face was certainly fiery enough. “The truth is,” she said resolutely, “I love you.”

  Silence. Endless, agonising silence. Miriam had delivered this entire painstaking speech while looking somewhere in the vicinity of Dan’s shirt collar, but now she risked a peek at his face. He looked…stunned.

  “Dan? Can you say something, please?”

  “I don’t know what to say.” He shook his head slowly, making Miriam’s fragile hopes start to disintegrate like the gossamer threads they’d always been. “I never thought…”

  “It’s okay,” Miriam said, tripping over her words in her haste to reassure him. “I think I always knew you didn’t feel the same way I do.” Which begged the question, why on earth had she felt the need to tell him how she felt?

  “Miriam, you don’t know how I feel.” Dan’s voice sounded surprisingly forceful.

  “Wait, what?” Miriam felt like she’d missed a step on a staircase. “What do you mean?”

  “I’m not sure I’ve known how I felt, not until recently. I also didn’t want to make things terribly awkward, which I’ve already done once with your family and I’d really rather not repeat.”

  Miriam’s heart was starting to hammer. This was all sounding potentially positive, and yet she still felt so very nervous. “So what are you…” she began in a whisper.

  Dan was looking at her seriously now, his hazel eyes glinting, his face so wonderfully familiar. The sun had started to sink behind the fells, sending long, golden rays of light across the sheep pasture, turning the deep puddles of spring into warmly lit mirrors. In the distance a sheep let out a plaintive baa.

  “The thing is,” Dan said slowly, his gaze now settled on the distance, “I started dating Rachel for the wrong reasons. I didn’t realise it at the time, of course, and for a long while I thought we were happy. But I wanted a family—not just kids of my own, but the whole happy tribe you Holleys have always been.”

  “I know,” Miriam whispered. He’d told her this before, but it felt different now.

  “And it took me a long time to realise we weren’t right together—there wasn’t the spark there should be, and I’m not sure there was even the deep, abiding affection a lifetime union requires. Rachel’s found that with someone else, and I’m glad we’ve both been able to move on.”

  His gaze moved from the distance to her, but Miriam couldn’t tell what he was feeling, only that he looked very…intent. “But the whole experience really made me think that the next time I went into a relationship, I wanted to do it for the right reasons. I wanted to be sure before I said anything.”

  Miriam’s heart felt as if it turned right over. She couldn’t look away from Dan’s intent gaze. “Yes,” she said, although she wasn’t even sure what she meant. Yes, she agreed with him. Yes, she was glad he felt that way. Yes, keep talking.

  “And of course there have been other factors this time around,” Dan continued, his voice a bit unsteady now. “Not just my history with Rachel, but…but yours with Rory.” He paused, scanning her face, looking for something.

  “But Rory’s not in the picture now,” Miriam whispered. Was he saying what she thought he was saying…? Even now she felt she couldn’t be sure.

  “Yes, but when he was, I felt I had to give you both a fair chance. I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if I hadn’t.”

  “Dan, what are you saying?” Miriam let out a shaky laugh. “Because I might be dense, but I really want you to spell it out for me here, especially since I just bared my soul to you.”

  Dan smiled then, properly, his eyes glinting warmly. “You’ve bared a lot more than that in the past, Miriam Holley. But I’m sorry to talk in circles. It’s just I wanted to be sure…not only about how I felt, but about how you felt, and whether it was the right thing. And then you go and pip me to the post!”

  “I…did?” A smile was spreading across her face like butter on toast. A huge, wonderful, sloppy smile. “Did I really?”

  “Yes, you really did. Ever since you got back from London, I’ve been trying to find the right time to tell you how I felt, wondering if you could possibly feel the same way, at least in time. And then you go and say it first.”

  “What did I say first?” Miriam asked, because she really needed to hear it.

  “I love you,” Dan said softly. “That’s what I’ve been wanting to say, Miriam—I love you. I’ve fallen in love with you over the last few months, with your courage and humour and kindness. With you.”

  “But why have you kept your distance these last few weeks?” Miriam had to ask. “I’ve missed you, all the evenings we spent together… I thought you’d gone off me completely.”

  “I was keeping my distance on purpose, to give you space to work things out with Rory.”

  “That was thoughtful, but like I said, it’s not going to happen. I’m not in love with him, and he doesn’t even want to be a dad.” She took a deep breath, knowing she needed to say more. “I was willing to give it a go, when I went to London, because I thought he—and Lucy—deserved that. And,” she confessed, “because it seemed like you were moving on with Lara.”

  “Lara?” Dan shook his head. “No. I admit, I was trying to, by going out with her, but I knew almost at once it wasn’t going to go anywhere.”

  “I saw you kiss,” Miriam admitted in a low voice. “Sorry to be a stalker.”

  Dan laughed. “Not to be ungentlemanly, but I think it was more of a case of her kissing me. Being with Lara made me realise all the more who I really wanted to be with, Miriam. You.”

  “But you never said anything…”

  “I was afraid. I wanted to be sure. I didn’t want to mess up our friendship. Besides, Thornthwaite is a small place.”

  “Too true.”

  “And we’ve both said it now.” He looked at her seriously. “We love each other.”

  “We do,” Miriam agreed shakily.

  They stared at each other for a long moment, smiling rather foolishly. Then Dan reached for her hand, lacing his fingers with hers. “So…”

  “So…” Miriam echoed uncertainly.

  “Would it be all right if I kissed you now?”

  “Yes,” Miriam said, her tone heartfelt. “It would be more than all right.”

  And actually, as his lips brushed and then settled over hers, it was more than all right. It was quite perfect. Miriam had felt she was coming home when she’d returned to Thornthwaite, but it was only now that she knew she truly was.

  Dan drew her close and she rested her cheek against his shoulder, content and at peace with the world, with everyone and everything. Home. She was finally home.

  In the distance a short, rather squat figure drew nearer, a hat pulled low down on her face, a basket for foraging looped over one arm. Abigail Cribbs gave them both a shrewd, searching look before she passed by them with a brisk nod.

  “About time,” she said.

  Epilogue

  Three years later

  It was a Holley Christmas, and it was crazy. Children ran in and out of the vicarage kitchen, often with a scavenged biscuit clutched in one triumphant, grubby fist. Lucy, Esther’s daughter Susanna, and Anna and Simon’s little boy James all giggled with delight as they raced down the hallway, followed on chubby legs by Rachel and Sam’s toddler, Andrew.

  “The next wave of cousins won’t be far behind them,” Esther remarked as she laced her hands around her lovely large bump; she was due in a few wee
ks, and Anna was pregnant as well, due in a few months.

  “It’s hard to believe it’s going to get even crazier,” Miriam remarked. It was lovely having a full vicarage again—children and dogs and people bursting out of every room. Bailey and Lola had been joined by Dan and Miriam’s chocolate Lab Ivy, and Anna and Simon had got a puppy, Daisy, last year, after Charlie had finally laid his tired head down for the last time.

  Even better, Ruth and Roger were back in Thornthwaite for Christmas—and in England for good. Although their work in China had been rewarding, the tightening controls of the government had forced them to leave, and Roger had been asked to be the lecturer in New Testament Studies at a theological college in London. It was another adventure for them both, and all the Holley sisters knew their parents, while missing China, would be glad to be back in England, and closer to their ever-growing family.

  Rachel and Sam had married two and a half years ago, and Miriam and Dan shortly after. Now as Miriam watched dogs and children race about, she shared a laughing, loving look with Dan. There was so much to celebrate…

  Of course, it hadn’t been smooth sailing all the time, for anyone. Rachel and Sam still had struggles with Nathan, whose diagnosis of partial foetal alcohol syndrome continued to be a challenge. Esther had suffered a second miscarriage after Susanna’s birth. And Rory had chosen not to have any relationship with his daughter at all, a fact that still hurt Miriam even though Dan was the best dad any girl could ask for.

  There was, she’d discovered, beauty in the brokenness, and healing in the hurt. She thought that every time she looked at the photograph of her with Jamie, both of them laughing. I miss you. I never knew you, but I miss you.

  But even in the midst of suffering and sorrow, there was joy, made all the sweeter for having been without it. And now, more than ever, there was a reason to be thankful…

  “You’re looking like the proverbial cat,” Esther remarked to Miriam, shrewd as ever. “Where’s the cream?”