Alex and the Ironic Gentleman

by Adrienne Kress

  “I do, I do,” he said, nodding so enthusiastically it looked as if his head might pop off.

  “And these important people, of course, are just dying to come and see you and stay in your hotel. If only your simple staff could understand you. If only they weren’t that . . . simple.” Alex didn’t much like calling his staff simple, because she really didn’t think they were, and she hadn’t really met them anyway, but every time she called them simple, Lord Poppinjay would nod emphatically.

  “That does it. You’re getting a raise. How much are you being paid?” he asked her.

  “Nothing.”

  “Double it.”

  “The only thing is, sir, I just don’t know if we can prepare the expedition in time for tomorrow, as I know you are planning. I mean, it is so last minute, and after all, the forest is quite dangerous,” finished Alex, hoping that the suggestion would work.

  Lord Poppinjay stood up again and slammed a fist on the table. “Oh, so it is too hard, is it? Can’t handle the challenge, can you? Well, too bad. We will leave first thing tomorrow, even if that means we have to work through the night. Do I make myself clear?” he asked loudly.

  “Yes, sir, of course, sir. I’m sorry, sir,” said Alex, cowering slightly, though inside her heart was jumping for joy. But then, of course, she had been hopeful several times before with everything going wrong instead. So she asked, “But what if it is raining tomorrow?”

  “Rain? Are you scared of a little rain? Even if it snows, even if there is a tornado, nothing will put off this expedition. Stop being so cowardly and be a man!”

  “I’m a girl.”

  “Then be a girl!”

  “Yes, sir!”

  THE TWENTY-FIFTH CHAPTER

  In which we watch a spontaneous musical number and the expedition prepares to depart.

  There was a festive spirit in the air that evening. Often a festive spirit isn’t easy to pinpoint. Because, after all, a spirit is invisible, so usually the only people who know it is around are the people who are experiencing it. Usually. However, on occasion it is possible to witness a physical display of a festive spirit. This is a rare occurrence. Rarer still is the particular manifestation that Alex witnessed shortly after the staff meeting had finished and everyone began their particular duties.

  What she witnessed was a Big Musical Number. That went something like this:

  (LORD POPPINJAY’S recitative)

  I think this plan of mine is so stupendous.

  What other could arrive at such a plan?

  My brain must be entirely tremendous.

  Does anywhere exist a smarter man?

  I think I am the perfect hotelier!

  Most giving—dare I say most handsome, too?

  And while some may disagree

  And shake their heads at me

  I have no doubt it’s absolutely true.

  For . . .

  (LORD POPPINJAY’S song)

  That’s what I think, yes, what I think,

  And what I think is what I know!

  And what I know, yes, what I know,

  And what I know must needs be so!

  And till little Alex found us here

  Our situation was quite drear!

  But Alex knows just what I think,

  And what I think is what I know!

  (STAFF)

  She knows just what he thinks,

  And what he thinks is what he knows

  And thanks to her we all do too

  And thanks to her our future grows!

  And we’re feeling mighty happy

  And the reason we feel happy

  Is we rarely feel this happy

  ’Cause we typically feel quite down.

  For tomorrow for the first time,

  For the first time in a long time,

  Yes, tomorrow is the first time that tomorrow’s not the worst time

  ’Cause tomorrow we’re going to town!

  [DANCE BREAK involving much tap dancing and the occasional lift. And jazz hands. Then:]

  [AT THE SAME TIME:]

  (LORD POPPINJAY) (STAFF)

  That’s what I think, that’s what I think, We don’t care what he thinks so long

  And what I think is what I know! As Alex thinks we ought to do

  And what I know, and what I know, Something that would benefit the

  And what I know must needs be so! State of this hotel and staff, too.

  And till little Alex found us here And if that means we must pretend

  Our situation was quite drear! To read his mind like she’s taught us

  Because she knows just what I think Well, we’re willing to do that un-

  And what I think is what I know! ’Til there comes a time he’s caught us.

  (STAFF)

  And we’re feeling mighty happy

  And the reason we feel happy

  Is we rarely feel this happy

  ’Cause we typically feel quite down,

  (EVERYBODY)

  For tomorrow for the first time,

  For the first time in a long time,

  Yes, tomorrow is the first time that tomorrow’s not the worst time,

  ’Cause tomorrow we’re going to town!

  Yes, tomorrow is the first time that tomorrow’s not the worst time,

  ’Cause tomorrow we’re going to town!

  The whole thing finished with Lord Poppinjay lifting Alex up into the air on his shoulders and the rest of the staff posing around them, smiling toothy grins toward the entrance of the hotel. There were a few brief moments of silence. And then Alex said, “All right, everyone, Lord Poppinjay thinks we should all get back to work!”

  It wasn’t until two in the morning that plans were finalized for the trip the next day. After five years of isolation, it seemed that everyone who worked at the hotel felt they had reasons that they would be indispensable on the trip. Even the boy who cleaned the tables made the very sound argument that without his presence there would be no one to offer to pepper the dinners. So it was eventually decided that everyone would go. Then they all had to get their things together. And this was why it was as late as it was when Alex finally got to go to bed.

  The next day dawned bright and cheerful. Alex felt wonderful, having slept soundly, if briefly. She woke up Giggles, who had finally felt safe enough to climb out of the knapsack and curl up under the covers with her. He yawned and stretched his paws. He looked at her and stood up.

  “Your fur is all messed up,” laughed Alex, patting the fur flat. Giggles hopped out of the bed and wandered over to the window. Alex followed him and opened the curtains. She looked over the front lawn and saw that everyone was already awake and bustling. The woman in gray was directing all the activity, reading off instructions from a clipboard, and pointing in various directions. In the middle of all the chaos stood Lord Poppinjay in khaki shirt and trousers and brown boots. He also wore a pith helmet.

  Alex got changed quickly, held the bag open for Giggles to jump into, and tore through the hall, down the stairs, and out the front door, grabbing her bicycle on the way.

  “Alex! I was just thinking about you! Wonderful, wonderful!” said Lord Poppinjay, approaching her through the hustle and bustle.

  “We are leaving soon, right?” she asked, dodging out of the way of six waiters carrying six large silver trays piled high with truffles.

  “Within mere moments!” he announced with a wave of his hand. There was an added bustle to the hustle, and suddenly the entire staff of the On the Edge Hotel were standing in a perfect queue. Alex quickly reached into her bag and took a picture of them all. It was quite an impressive sight. Leading the way was the woman in gray holding a fierce-looking machete. Behind her was an army of waiters loaded down with bags. There followed four burly-looking men, who were normally dishwashers, carrying on their shoulders a magnificent white sedan chair for Lord Poppinjay. They were followed by the chambermaids, who had been put in charge of tents. The chef and his assistants came up behi
nd them, toting wheelbarrows full of food, and, last but not least, sauntered Tom Friend, happily chewing on a piece of grass.

  Alex climbed onto her bike.

  “Are we ready?” called out Lord Poppinjay. His staff let out a loud cheer. “Then . . .” He climbed up into his sedan chair. It teetered dangerously, and the dishwashers tried desperately to counter Lord Poppinjay’s weight. He lay back on its white cushions. “. . . Off we go!”

  There was a lurch forward that was immediately stopped by the woman in gray, who called out, “Wait! What’s that?”

  A distinct crunching sound was coming from the forest in front of them. It was difficult to figure out exactly what it was. It could have been a bear. It could have been a mouse wearing large shoes. There was no real way to tell.

  Lord Poppinjay picked up a pair of silver-plated binoculars and squinted through them. “It’s hard to see through the undergrowth.” He looked down at Alex.

  “Shall I take a look, then?” she asked, knowing full well the answer. Perhaps she actually could read his mind. Well, it didn’t matter. She wanted to get this show on the road!

  “Precisely what I was thinking! You are amazing! When you get back you can ride next to me!”

  Alex nodded, taking off her knapsack. She passed off her bike to the maitre d’, who took it in his white-gloved hands, and went to investigate. The crunching noises got louder as she approached the edge of the forest. She turned around to look at the queue waiting impatiently behind her. The khaki blur of Lord Poppinjay gestured for her to go on.

  Alex pushed her way into the brush. She felt something rub up against her foot and she let out a small scream. She looked down.

  “Giggles! Don’t do that! You scared the living daylights out of me!” she said. Giggles shook his head and ran off deeper into the forest to scout out the disturbance. He came charging back almost instantly, a look of panic on his face.

  “What? What is it?” asked Alex.

  Suddenly there was a loud roaring, but not of any animal. It sounded like a machine. It sounded like a . . . “Chainsaw?” asked Alex. She took a step backward. The tree in front of her began to sway from side to side, gathering momentum as it went.

  “Giggles, jump!” The two of them leaped to the side as the tree came crashing down. Alex looked up. Through the debris and dust floating in the air she could see the silhouette of a tall figure holding a chainsaw.

  “No,” said Alex. The dust began to settle. A group of figures behind the tall one materialized. Alex looked at Giggles, who looked back at her with disbelief. “How are they doing this?” Slowly, Alex got up to her feet, and dusted herself off.

  One of the group broke free and moved into the foreground.

  “Hey, Poppy,” muttered Alex.

  “Hello, dearie!” replied Poppy with a satisfied, if yellowing, smile. “Come now, let’s have a little chitchat.” She gestured to the rest of the Daughters of the Founding Fathers’ Preservation Society, who moved toward her menacingly. Rose revved her rusted chainsaw. It sparked dangerously. If Rose had wanted to, she could have made a rubber band spark.

  “Well, obviously, I’m going to run away now,” said Alex. She sighed and turned around. Then she ran as if her life depended on it, which, Alex strongly suspected, might actually be the case.

  She burst into the clearing and charged up the steps of the hotel, with Giggles following closely at her heels.

  “What’s going on?” asked Lord Poppinjay as she flew past. Actually to Alex it sounded more like, “. . . t’s goi . . . ,” but she got the gist.

  She looked over her shoulder and could see the Daughters following apace. They moved quite fast for little old ladies. Alex wondered if they kept in such good shape by chasing small children. The staff gave them puzzled looks as they passed.

  Alex stood paralyzed in the lobby, not sure where to go. She suddenly realized she had cornered herself in the hotel. She should have run deeper into the forest and not into the only building for miles. But she couldn’t have kept running forever. She needed to stop the Daughters, otherwise this would never end. Right now, however, she needed a place to hide. She looked out the window at the expedition queue, who were all standing, quietly minding their own business. Wasn’t there anyone who would be willing to help her?

  “Of course!” Alex exclaimed and ran into the dining room. She had forgotten that there was at least one someone, or rather something, that had been more than willing to help her once. She had to hope it would be up to the challenge again.

  “MakeCold 6000!” she called out as she skidded along the stainless-steel floor of the kitchen.

  “Did I hear someone call out my name?” asked a friendly voice.

  “Hey, it’s me, Alex!”

  “Alex! How nice to see you again! Say, how did Lord Poppinjay like the scones we made?”

  “He loved them. And he’s actually outside right now waiting for me so that we can go into Port Cullis and get this hotel into shape!”

  “Oh, Alex, you are amazing! Thank you so much. I wish there was something I could do to thank you. Ooh! Do you like soufflé?” It popped open its door.

  “Actually,” said Alex, looking inside, “there is something that you could do for me. I need someplace to hide.”

  “Hide?”

  “Please?” begged Alex.

  “Well, why not? It could be fun!”

  THE TWENTY-SIXTH CHAPTER

  In which Alex is trapped. Again.

  Moments later the Daughters of the Founding Fathers’ Preservation Society burst into the kitchen. Alex could hear their click-click shoes crossing the room, amplified by the stainless steel. The sound made Alex shudder, and she prayed they wouldn’t find her in her very obliging appliance.

  “Alex, dear!” called out Poppy. “We know you’re in here. There’s no way out. You’re trapped!” Her voice got louder as she moved closer to the fridge. “Come on, Alex, darling, help us out!”

  Alex took a deep breath.

  And then something happened that made her insides tighten to the compactest of knots. The fridge, upon hearing the word “help,” jumped into action. “Well, hello there. Did I hear someone ask for help?”

  There was a pause and Alex silently tried to communicate with the fridge.

  “Actually,” replied Poppy, slowly, “I’m looking for a small child. I don’t suppose you’ve seen it anywhere?”

  “Indeed I have. I assume you are talking about Alex?” asked the fridge.

  “Please, please,” whispered Alex to herself.

  “Yes, Alex. That’s the one.”

  “I happen to know that she is hiding inside me. Isn’t it fun? Behind the large jar of mayonnaise. But don’t tell anyone. It’s a secret!” The fridge popped open its door. Alex could sense Poppy looking inside it. She tried to make herself as small as she could.

  “Oh, I won’t tell anyone,” sneered Poppy. “Come on, girls.”

  Alex could hear the click-clicking as all the Daughters entered the enormous fridge. Was it necessary for all of them to corner her like this? Well, it was a silly tactic, and one that Alex was incredibly grateful for.

  She jumped out of the oven and cried, “Now!” The fridge instantly swung its door shut, but not before Alex got a glimpse of Poppy’s expression, that pug-dog one that she had not seen the morning she had been discovered missing from the house on the hill. Alex gave a little wave as the door slammed in Poppy’s face.

  “Oh, MakeCold, you were amazing!” laughed Alex.

  “I always thought that if I hadn’t been a fridge, I could have been an actor,” it said happily. “Oh, my!”

  “What is it?”

  “They’re banging against the door,” it said.

  “Is there any way they can get out?” asked Alex nervously.

  “Oh, no. The only way they can open the door is if I choose to let them. And I just won’t!” The fridge laughed merrily.

  “Thank you very much!”

  Giggles meowed ge
ntly from the doorway.

  Alex turned to look at him and understood. She walked over to the fridge. “I’m sorry, MakeCold, but I have to go now.”

  “Okay, well, I’ll see you when you all get back, then!”

  Alex looked at Giggles, then back at the fridge. “I don’t know if I will be coming back,” she said slowly.

  “Oh. Oh, well, then . . . I guess this is goodbye?”

  “Yes, I guess it is.”

  “Well . . . goodbye, I suppose. I’ll . . .” It sounded as though it was choking back tears, if it had been capable of producing them. “. . . I’ll miss you!”

  “I’ll miss you, too,” replied Alex, spreading her arms and leaning up against the fridge. “Maybe we will meet again. You never know! In the meantime, take care of yourself, and thank you so much.” She let go of the fridge.

  “No, thank you,” it replied. Alex smiled and went to join Giggles. She turned for one last look at the fridge. It didn’t wave because it didn’t have arms. And it didn’t smile because it didn’t have a mouth. But Alex knew it would have if it could have, and so she smiled and waved in return.

  It took two days and two nights until the staff of the On the Edge Hotel found their way out of the forest. But then, almost unexpectedly, they were free of it. And they found themselves standing in a farmer’s field next to a rather startled cow.

  “That road there,” announced the woman in gray, “should get us to Port Cullis in a little over half an hour.”

  All the staff cheered loudly. Loudest of all was Alex, who could hardly believe she was finally free of that forest. She looked back at it, the trees extending in either direction for what appeared to be infinity. Had she known just how vast it was, she quite possibly might have decided to give up.

  “Well,” said Lord Poppinjay, “let’s stop for lunch then, before we make our grand entrance.”

  Instantly everyone set to work. Alex, who was feeling anxious at being so close to the city, sat up and watched the activity for a few charged moments. She leaned back and looked over at Lord Poppinjay, who was whistling happily to himself and filing his nails.