Alex and the Ironic Gentleman

by Adrienne Kress

  “Who is he?”

  “He’s Steele’s first mate.”

  “And he’s . . . scary?”

  “Aye, you could say ‘scary.’ The thing about the Baron is, well, to put it bluntly, he is rather fond of random acts of violence. It’s one of the reasons he’s also known as Senseless. You never know how he’ll behave, and I don’t think that there is anything quite so ‘scary’ as that. And not to mention he has that big gray dog of his, with the long sharp teeth, which is rather scary as well. And, of course, there’s also . . .” He stopped again.

  Alex didn’t want to ask further. She didn’t need to. After a brief pause Coriander started up again. “His appearance.”

  But what that appearance was Alex never found out as they were cheerfully interrupted by Heather again. “Well, looks like the crowd is thinning finally, I should be able to lock up in a few minutes,” she said, presenting Coriander with another pint and settling herself on the arm of his chair. He looked at her and beamed, wrapping his arm around her waist.

  “You two seem to be getting along!” Heather said, smiling at Coriander.

  “Yes, we are! Hey, Heather, meet Giggles!” said Coriander.

  Heather leaned down to pet Giggles, who begrudgingly let her. “Hey, Giggles,” she said. “I really like cats,” she told Alex.

  “Me, too,” replied Alex.

  “I don’t suppose you’ve found out exactly what a kid is doing alone in the big city?” she asked Coriander.

  Coriander nodded as he swallowed a mouthful of beer. “She’s on a rescue mission. Her sixth-grade teacher, is that right?” he asked Alex.

  “That’s right,” she replied. “Mr. Underwood. He was captured by pirates from the Ironic Gentleman,” she said and was disheartened to see Heather’s face fall.

  “Dear me.” She looked thoughtful for a moment. And then she turned to Alex and asked, “Why was he kidnapped?”

  “Oh . . . well . . .” Alex thought carefully. She knew she would be in this situation eventually. So far the map had been a deep secret that had been hers alone, and it took a huge leap of faith to share it with anyone. It was a very difficult decision to make. Could she really trust two people she had only just met? On the other hand, she would have to share the secret with someone sometime. Alex didn’t imagine anyone would be willing to help her find Mr. Underwood without knowing the specifics. Besides, Coriander and Heather did seem to be two of the more normal people she had met so far. Heather certainly seemed to be a sort of no-nonsense, what-you-see-is-what-you-get, kind of person. And Alex really did need some help. She decided to take the risk.

  “Is it okay to wait until everyone else has left before I answer that question?” she asked.

  Heather looked at her with curiosity. She nodded, and soon she had ushered the last few stray patrons out of the pub and locked the front door. When she returned, Alex smiled. When she felt she had Heather and Coriander’s full attention, she said, “You asked why he was kidnapped.” She took a deep breath and pulled out her toothbrush holder from her bag. “ I think it had something to do with . . . this.”

  “You think so, do you?” said Coriander with a smirk when he saw it.

  “Not the toothbrush holder! This . . .” said Alex, and she took out the map.

  THE TWENTY-NINTH CHAPTER

  In which the map is analyzed and Alex has a strange dream.

  “Looks like a fan,” said Heather. Alex nodded and slipped out of her chair. She knelt in front of the low table by the fire and carefully unfolded it. It was the first time since she had left the house on the hill that she had looked at it. Heather and Coriander joined her, and they all silently examined it. Giggles, who didn’t like being tossed out of Coriander’s lap, walked around sulkily and sat by Alex.

  It was a very typical-looking map, with a drawing of an island, even an “X” marking the spot. The strange thing was a short poem scrawled to one side:

  When the earth makes its peace,

  And the elements catch fire,

  With a primarily high feeling

  Shall you find your desire.

  Alex read it over a few times (“Obviously written by a pirate, not a poet,” Heather had commented), completely flummoxed as to what it could possibly mean.

  The silence was finally broken by Coriander, who had suddenly realized what he was looking at. “That isn’t what I think it is, is it?” he asked, eyes wide.

  “It’s the map for the Wigpowder treasure, yes,” replied Alex. “Mr. Underwood is his great-great-great-grandson, on his mother’s side. That’s why they kidnapped him. They thought he had the map, or at least knew where the treasure was. But he didn’t, and doesn’t. They captured him before I was able to get this to him.”

  Coriander continued to stare in disbelief.

  “So do you have a plan?” asked Heather.

  “Not really. I’m sort of improvising as I go. I just know that I have to find Mr. Underwood. Once I do that, then he will know what to do, how to find the treasure.”

  “You know, you ought to copy it out again. The original is so delicate,” Heather suggested. “I could do it. I’m pretty good at drawing.” She blushed slightly.

  “That’s a good idea!” said Alex.

  “Let’s do that now,” said Coriander. “I love arts and crafts!”

  Heather laughed and went to get some supplies to copy the map.

  She was indeed good at drawing, and when she had finished, Alex folded up the original and placed it back in its holder. She took the new map and folded it up carefully and put it in her pocket.

  “The thing is,” she said, once they’d tidied up, “I don’t really know how to find Mr. Underwood now.”

  Coriander downed his pint and squinted at her. He pointed. He pointed again. On his third point he said loudly, “I know what you should do!”

  “No need to shout, Coriander,” said Heather softly.

  Coriander waved her off. “You need to get on a ship. If Mr. Underwood is on the Ironic Gentleman, if he is still alive . . .”

  “Coriander, please, you’re drunk,” said Heather.

  “That’s beside the point,” he said to her with a pout. “The point is, if he is on the ship, all you need is a ship. And then Steele’ll find you!”

  “Oh, that’s a great idea, Coriander. Your master plan is for Alex to wait for some ruthless pirates to kidnap her too? Nice one.”

  “No need to shout, Heather,” mocked Coriander.

  Heather sighed. “Alex,” Heather turned to her, “you need to give this map to the authorities and then have them find Mr. Underwood.”

  “I can’t do that,” replied Alex. The idea of giving over the map just didn’t sit well with her. Possibly this was because most adults she had encountered recently had not proved themselves very reliable and the others were downright silly. But it was more to do with the fact that the map wasn’t hers to give away anyway. It was Mr. Underwood’s.

  Heather sighed. “I guess you could do a bit of both our ideas then. You know,” she leaned forward and thought carefully. “There is one captain I know . . .”

  “Oh, the Captain!” laughed Coriander loudly. “ ‘Ooh, Captain, tell me all about your adventures! Ooh, Captain, have a free drink! Ooh, Captain, how about a kiss . . .’ ”

  “Coriander, you’re behaving like a drunken fool!”

  “What are you talking about? I am a drunken fool! I am . . .” He stood up, teetering dangerously, and Giggles darted behind Alex nervously, “Coriander the Conjuror! I can make a little bird appear in a cloud of pink smoke!” He waved his hands together and the bird appeared again. “Whoops!” he said as it flew out from between his fingers and began flying around the pub.

  “Great. Thanks a lot, Coriander,” said Heather, watching the bird knock over several glasses. Coriander just giggled to himself and sat down again. “Now keep quiet and behave yourself!” Coriander nodded and placed a finger to his lips.

  “Alex, I know a captain in the Navy
. He’s a really good guy, and he is not due to resume service for another few months. I don’t know if he could help you personally, but he may be able to offer a few suggestions. How does that sound?”

  “That sounds wonderful!” said Alex. It was great having someone willing to go out of their way to help her.

  “I’ll give him a call tonight, and maybe we could go around in the morning,” said Heather. “But I really think now you should get some sleep. It might be a long day tomorrow.”

  Alex nodded. The two stood up.

  “I’ll show you to your room,” said Heather.

  “Thanks. Good night, Coriander,” said Alex.

  Coriander shook his head vigorously, “I’m not supposed to talk,” he whispered.

  “Oh, sorry,” replied Alex.

  In a matter of moments, she was in her little room, curled up under the covers of a very cozy bed.

  She had a strange dream that night. She was lying in bed in a pool of light, and then two men approached her all dressed in black and wearing white surgical masks. They stood next to her, and one man took out a camera, held it at arm’s length, and took a picture of the three of them. Then a third man approached her. He too was dressed in black and wearing a mask, except that his was on wrong. Instead of covering his nose and mouth, he was wearing it so it was covering his nose and eyes. He reached out and placed a hand on her shoulder. He was wearing dark-brown gloves, and his hand was very cold. Alex felt a cold surge of terror rush through her.

  “There has been an Incident,” he told Alex. He then reached up and undid the string holding the mask onto his face. He was pulling it away from his face when Alex was jolted awake by a loud crashing noise.

  She sat up and listened. She heard another crash and realized the sound was coming from downstairs.

  Alex got out of bed. It was still dark out as she walked out of her room and down the hall, and stood at the top of the stairs looking into the pub.

  “Coriander, please stop it!” said Heather, exasperated.

  “No, watch! If I throw it, I can make it freeze in the air!” He picked up a chair and threw it across the room. It landed with a crash on the far side. Alex was reminded of the Extremely Ginormous Octopus. “Why won’t it work!?” he said, picking up another chair. “I can do it! I swear!” he said, trying again. Heather came over and grabbed his arm.

  “Let go of me!” he said flinging her away. “You’re always laughing at me. Well, I can do it—I can!” He went to pick up one of the chairs by the fire, but it was far too big for him, and he slipped and fell onto the floor.

  “Come on, Coriander, time to get some sleep,” said Heather, reaching down for his hand.

  “I’m staying right here,” he said with one of his pouts.

  “Fine,” said Heather, giving up. “I’m going to bed.”

  Heather climbed up the stairs. When she met Alex, she looked at her and said, “Hey, so, I called my captain friend, and he said he would be happy to meet us tomorrow. Oh, and Coriander really wants to come along.” Alex looked at Coriander sitting on the floor by the fire. He looked like a little kid who had just broken his favorite toy.

  “Will he be okay?” Alex was still quite shocked at how hard he had pushed Heather while trying to get the chair to float. She had never really been in the company of someone who drank so much (aside from the Extremely Ginormous Octopus, and, well, he was an octopus) so she was unused to such behavior. What surprised her the most, though, was how such a nice, funny person like Coriander could suddenly turn into a rather unpleasant character after a few drinks. He seemed like two entirely different people. It didn’t exactly frighten her, but she couldn’t help but have this small nagging feeling of concern.

  “Oh, don’t worry about him. He’ll be fine. He really frustrates me so much sometimes. Coriander’s such a great guy. He really is. It’s just when he gets drunk, he doesn’t realize that what he’s doing could hurt someone. But please don’t worry about it.” She smiled at Alex. “Anyway, it’s okay, he’ll be fine by morning.”

  Alex nodded.

  “Good. I’ll see you in a few hours then.” She headed down the narrow hall, then turned around again. “You all right?”

  “Oh, yes, the crash just woke me up, that’s all,” said Alex.

  “Yes, well, sorry about that.” Heather shook her head sadly. “Good night,” she said, and passed on down to the room at the far end of the hall.

  Alex realized she was cold and went back to bed. She lay there thinking about her dream. She felt a little disappointed that the crash had distracted her from seeing what was behind the mask of that third man. She closed her eyes. Maybe I’ll see it this time, she hoped, and presently fell asleep. But it was not to be. I don’t know what she dreamed of this time, but it was of no significance, and she forgot it the moment she woke up.

  THE THIRTIETH CHAPTER

  In which we meet Captain Magnanimous and a plan is hatched.

  So you want to be a captain of one of Her Majesty’s Ships. How do you go about doing this, then? Possibly you do it by being a member of the aristocracy and knowing all the right people. Another way is being really rich and paying off all the right people. But there is also the last way, which is being really good at your job and a decent person and impressing all the right people. Captain Magnanimous had chosen the last method. The only son of a tailor, he had worked his way up as high in the ranks as a commoner could go, until one fateful day when, while serving on the Sea-worthy, he saved his captain’s life. He was then promoted to fourth lieutenant over many objections, and then there was no stopping his climb to the top. He could have become an admiral, had he so desired, but all he’d ever wanted was his own ship. For this reason, Captain Magnanimous was a terribly content individual.

  It was a lovely, fresh morning when Alex, Heather, and a bleary-eyed Coriander were welcomed warmly by the Captain and ushered out into a lovely, messy garden. They were seated at a little table that had lemonade in a crystal pitcher waiting for them. They were each poured a glass, though Coriander eyed his with suspicion.

  Alex had liked the Captain instantly. She had always assumed that captains would be old with big beards or something. But Magnanimous wasn’t. And while he was not typically handsome or anything, he had a very pleasant quality about him and wore a crisp, white shirt and blue trousers tucked into black boots. He also had a really nice smile.

  “Right then, I think, instead of talking about the weather, which, let’s be honest, is surprisingly wonderful today and deserves a bit of a mention, or your health, which I hope is fine, we should get right down to business,” said Magnanimous, after sitting to join them. “Alex, Heather told me that you had something that was very important and needed to be discussed immediately.”

  “Yes,” said Alex, looking at Heather, who smiled encouragingly. “Well, this is what it is.” She took out the copy of the map and unfolded it. Magnanimous took a pair of glasses from his pocket and examined it closely.

  And as he did so, Alex explained to him about Mr. Underwood and that she wasn’t sure exactly what she should do, and that any advice he could provide would be extremely welcome.

  “Well, I don’t think it should be that hard finding Mr. Underwood. The Ironic Gentleman can’t be too far out to sea just yet,” said Magnanimous, passing the map back to Alex, and folding his glasses.

  “What do you mean?” asked Heather.

  “Your teacher was kidnapped around a week ago. They’d have to have gotten him to Port Sherry, I would assume. That’s at least two days’ journey. Then setting out to sea—well, Steele has only a few days’ head start, really.”

  “But, Magnanimous, you can’t possibly be suggesting that Alex go to sea!” Heather placed a protective hand on Alex’s shoulder.

  “Why not? How else is she going to find him?” asked Magnanimous, leaning back in his chair and looking at Heather.

  “I don’t know, but it seems so dangerous.”

  Magnanimous laughed. �
�I think a child who is able to find her way to Port Cullis without so much as a hair out of place is more than capable of going to sea. You don’t mind, do you, Alex?”

  “Well, no,” she replied, suddenly feeling very worried. “But the thing is, I’ve never gone sailing before. I don’t know how to use a boat or anything, and even if I could sail, I haven’t the first idea of how to go about getting a boat anyway.”

  Magnanimous smiled that wonderful smile of his. “Oh, Alex, how very brave of you, but of course I was going to help you with that. The Valiant has just come out of hibernation and finished her spring-cleaning. The crew are all in town with nothing to do. And what could be more fun than a little adventure? Besides, the way I see it, it won’t be half as dangerous as you imagine.”

  “I don’t see how not,” said Heather.

  “We have an advantage on Steele. He doesn’t know we’re after him. From what I understand of the story you just told me, Mr. Underwood was kidnapped for his map—which he didn’t have. It is unlikely the pirates know about Alex and even if they do, very unlikely that they think she has it, as, of course, adults, even pirates, tend to underestimate children. All we need to do is catch them when they typically anchor for supplies, at the port of Lawless.”

  “But it’s the Ironic Gentleman! The deadliest ship this side of the equator!” Heather exclaimed. Coriander moaned. It wasn’t quite clear if it was the thought of the Ironic Gentleman that made him do so, or simply because his head hurt so much.

  “We don’t want to attack them, we don’t want to arrest them. We just want to rescue Mr. Underwood. A covert operation under the cover of night should do the trick, I would think. And, of course, Alex wouldn’t be involved in that.”

  Heather still did not appear convinced, and though Alex thought everything the Captain was saying made a lot of sense, she still wasn’t used to such generosity.

  “But why would your crew agree to this?” she asked.

  “Well, Alex, you need to understand the nature of the sailor. He is never so content as when he is riding the waves. I never understood why we were made to stay ashore for so long when the sea is tempting us, calling out to us. No, did you think I would turn down this opportunity? Alex, HMS Valiant is at your command.”