The Vampire Memoirs

by Mara Mccuniff

  "When else must you pray?" I asked.

  "As often as possible," she answered matter-of-factly. "Times of sorrow—of gladness, too. It's easy to forget to give thanks when times are good, you see."

  "True," I said. "I think I may be guilty of that myself."

  "You seem very interested in my faith," she said suddenly. Uh oh. "Have you ever been to a church?"

  "Umm… no," I mumbled. "But my dearest friend was a Christian."

  "And she never asked you to join her in church?"

  "Oh, many times," I said, smiling nervously. "But I wasn't very good at listening to her." I started thinking of Leta again, and wondered if things would have turned out differently had I listened to her for once.

  "Well…" Heleyne said, breaking my thoughts, "You know it's only too late to listen when you have died. As long as you live, you can be saved."

  "Um…" I said, feeling sweaty now. "Yes. But you must be very tired right now. You've been praying all day and night, haven't you?"

  She shrugged. "What else am I to do?" she asked. "I know of no other way to help Charles."

  "No, I suppose you don't," I said. "But you ought to get some rest yourself. Else you'll become too tired to do anything at all."

  "Mmm," she said. "Yes. I am very tired. But he needs the rest, not me."

  "Come, Heleyne," I said, rising and walking to her with arms outstretched, "Let me help you up."

  She took my hands wearily, and I hefted her to her feet quickly and dusted her off. She laughed a little, embarrassed.

  "Oh, these clothes will never be clean," she said.

  "Yes… Well, you'd better be off to bed, then. You're tired and need the rest."

  "Thank you, friend Mara," she whispered.

  "Hmm?"

  "For letting me use this room," she explained.

  I shook my head and meant to tell her it was no trouble, but—

  "Ah—here you are, ladies," Agyar said. "I've been looking for you."

  I looked at the floor then, afraid to meet his gaze, but Heleyne seemed undisturbed by his entrance and spoke enthusiastically.

  "Oh, greetings, Magistrate," she said, bowing her head slightly, "We have only been in here, talking."

  "As women are wont to do," he said cheerfully. "But I'd like my wife to come with me now, if she will. Mara?" he said, extending a hand out to me. I still would not meet his gaze, but I let him take my hand and lead me to the door. He stopped at the threshold and turned back to Heleyne before we left.

  "I hope it was nothing important?" he said.

  She smiled and shook her head. "Oh, no, friend Agyar, it's nothing we can't talk about later," she said. He smiled back and nodded once, and I looked up quickly enough to catch his eyes ever so briefly flashing red as he watched her and I began to feel a sudden chill.

  Later he commanded me to tell him what we'd been talking about, and I shrugged and said we'd only been discussing her church and how much she prayed. He was not angry with that, but fell silent afterward, as though taking what I'd said into consideration.

  Chapter 23

  Heleyne was by her husband's bedside the next night, as usual. I stopped by after feeding to see to their needs, but they had none. He did not look long for the world, and when I left the room I couldn't get rid of the sickeningly empty feeling that enveloped me then. Though I didn't even know the man, I knew exactly what Heleyne was going through. But I couldn't offer comfort. I didn't know how to. My feelings had been pushed down so deep I could scarcely reach them anymore.

  Some hours later I had decided to force myself to at least try to help Heleyne and was heading back to the room when I heard voices coming from a bedroom that was usually empty. The open doorway was still ahead of me, and I crept along the wall in perfect silence and stopped once I reached the door. One voice I recognized immediately—Agyar's—but the other took a few seconds longer to remember. Heleyne's. They were speaking in low, whispery tones—he, using his seductive, soothing voice, and she, sounding disturbed, almost confused.

  I could not pick up everything that was said perfectly, but the few choice words I heard sounded over and over in my ears. Death. Disease. Poverty. Starvation. Immortality.

  Immortality. Each time I heard it I shut my eyes. Immortality. He offered it to Heleyne, and she resisted, of course, not really understanding his true intentions, and he offered it to her again and again. Never once was Charles offered it, something which she, too, did not pick up immediately.

  How often had he spoken to her? I wondered. How long have I seen the glances he'd been throwing her and have done nothing about it? The looks he gave her had been burned into my memory for over a century and a half; they were what I had received so long ago, when Gaar and I had come to him.

  I knew right away; I knew exactly what he wanted the moment she had left that room that first night, and why did I then do nothing? I hated him; I hated my so-called husband, lover, confidant, friend, and wanted him dead or myself free. I had fantasized about him finding someone else—some other hapless woman who could then be his wife. I would then be free.

  I don't really care about her; let him make her a monster like him, and I'll be cast away and allowed to do as I please. I let Leta get away; I promised to let her "keep her God." But why worry about this woman, whom I barely even know? Let him take her.

  I heard him ask her slowly, carefully, if she wanted to die, and there was a long pause before I heard in the faintest whisper, "No." Then he asked slowly, carefully, if she wanted to live forever, and there was another long pause before I heard in the faintest whisper, "Yes." And after that, I didn't need to hear; after that, I knew what he was doing, and I shut my eyes tight and tilted my head back against the wall, and fought against tears that I shouldn't even have been shedding.

  She was sitting in one of the guest rooms, her back facing me as I stood in the doorway. I had already been to her other room and seen her husband.

  "Heleyne," I whispered, but she did not turn. One of Agyar's portraits hung directly in front of her. I moved closer to her silently and placed a hand on her shoulder.

  "Heleyne," I repeated, and she turned her head slightly.

  "I was in your room just now," I said, and squeezed her shoulder a little. "I'm sorry."

  "I looked for you today," she said finally. "I couldn't find you."

  "I was—elsewhere," I said.

  She shook her head. "It doesn't really matter," she said. "There was nothing you could do."

  I moved in front of her and sat on a stool and took her hands into my own.

  "I should have been here, if only to comfort you," I said. "You see, I—know exactly how you feel. I have lost my own husband, long ago."

  "Agyar is not your husband?" she said.

  "Um—in a way," I said. "He—I was once married to another before he died. Agyar is—m-my second husband.

  "But that's part of the past," I continued. "What's important now is that I—" and I had to stop, as it was quite a struggle to shake off Agyar's influence and tell her what needed to be told. Heleyne waited patiently for me to continue, and eventually I could only smile at her helplessly before looking down.

  "What is this important thing, friend Mara?"

  I looked up at her again, and it was then that I was able to see the tiny red markings on her shoulder. Two puncture marks. Teeth marks. I had to look away again, and I silently cursed Agyar over and over for all he had done to me, to what he had done to my will—my once infamously mulelike stubborn will. Now it was gone—nothing.

  "I can't tell you," I murmured. "I—can't!"

  "I don't understand," she said. "Are you unable to speak now? Or is it something forbidden to you?"

  I nodded my head quickly to her last question.

  "I can comfort you, Heleyne," I said. "Just let me do that. I can comfort you. I'm certain you loved him deeply as I loved my own husband…"

  She said nothing, but continued watching me with concerned eyes. I smiled nervously
again and released her hands, and she watched me again before turning away slightly and sniffling a little.

  "I know you did all you could for him," I whispered. "I know how you prayed for him, talked to him, comforted him. There's nothing else you could have done for him."

  She sniffled again and nodded solemnly. I bit my lips and fought for more words.

  "It wasn't your fault," I said. "You did all you could…" And as I spoke, my own memories of Gaar came back to me, of the two of us running, running in terror and confusion, of hiding in darkness and cramped rooms and holding each other for comfort. I remembered how bravely he had fought Agyar and those creatures of his, and how in the end none of his strength, or courage, or skill amounted to anything against him. And I had always blamed myself completely for everything that had happened.

  "And all was in vain," Heleyne whispered. "All that I have done did not save him…" she added, and she began to gaze at Agyar's portrait ahead of her. I watched her in silence as she stared and stared, until her eyes seemed to glaze over in a trance. It was almost unbearable, what was happening to her. I knew exactly how she felt, what she was thinking, and I cursed myself over and over for not being able to help her. But I had to help her; I couldn't just sit and let him take another like he took me, not while she was grieving so. No one but me deserved such a fate.

  The door behind us swung open, and Agyar entered the room silently. Heleyne barely moved her head toward the noise, but I jumped noticeably and moved off to the side, away from Heleyne. His face was expressionless as he moved toward us, and he stopped behind Heleyne and placed his hand on her shoulder. She still did not turn toward him, but continued staring at the portrait. Then he looked at me, and a chill shot up my spine.

  "Come here," he said. I could only obey him.

  "I was only comforting her," I whispered, my head down.

  "No doubt," he said. "But I shall do so now. You may go."

  "But Agyar—"

  "You may go, Mara," he said, and I hesitated before moving around him silently toward the door. But when I reached it, I stopped and called to him again.

  "Agyar…" I said as he began stroking Heleyne's head.

  "I told you to leave," he said.

  "I have seen your mark on her," I continued. "I… know what you plan to do to her. It isn't right, Agyar."

  As I finished, he began turning toward me and glared. I shivered as he walked quickly to the door and stopped within an inch of my face.

  "Sh-she's suffered enough," I stammered. "Sh-she would never want—"

  He gripped my chin in a rough hold and held my head firmly in place. His eyes burned in anger.

  "You'll do nothing to stop me," he growled. "Do you understand??"

  "Y-you shouldn't do this to her—"

  "Silence!" he hissed, and his eyes glowed brighter. I felt his thoughts crowding out mine.

  "She will be mine," he growled. "Your purpose with me is done, woman. I grow weary of your constant whining, your nagging, your complaining. I offered you love, and you have given me nothing but hate. I offered you a paradise, and you have given me nothing but a hell!

  "Heleyne is to be mine now. She shall be my bride for eternity, not you. You've had your chance, woman, but would not take it. Now let me be rid of you, and take the better choice for my own. And you will do nothing to stop me. Do you understand me? Nothing!"

  "Nothing…" I whispered, and he released my chin in a rough jerk.

  "Go now," he commanded. "Go to the roof, and sit and sleep there, and wait for the sun to rise. It will be all over when the sun rises, Mara; watch it rise…"

  "Watch it rise…" I said, and left him.

  "—stress?" I heard, but could not open my eyes. I was being shaken, first gently, and then rather roughly.

  "Mistress?" I heard again, and made a supreme effort to wake and speak to Lara, but could only manage a quick grunt.

  "Mistress, wake up; you shouldn't be out here," Lara said, and shook me again. Then the shaking stopped, but I knew she had not left me, because I was suddenly jolted from the trance by a painful slap on the cheek. I held my face and shook my head quickly to clear out the cobwebs in my mind. Lara knelt down to help me up.

  "I'm sorry I did that, mistress, but it was the only thing that would wake you…"

  "Uh… yes," I said. "It seems that way…"

  "Why are you out here like this?" she asked. "Morning will be here very soon. The sun will be up."

  "Um… um… I was—resting," I said. She began guiding me away from the roof edge toward the door leading downstairs.

  "I'd say you were in a trance," she said. "I could barely wake you."

  "A trance?"

  "It seemed like one."

  "A trance…" I repeated, and my memories flooded back to me, and I remembered what I had been sent there for.

  "No… It's too late now," I whispered as we reached the door. "It's over."

  "What is?"

  "Heleyne. Heleyne and Agyar. She's his now."

  "Oh, is that what he wants to do with her?" Lara said matter-of-factly. "They went into a room together only a few moments ago. She wouldn't be converted by now—"

  "A few moments ago?" I said.

  Lara nodded. "Something like that," she said. "I was wondering if you knew. That's why I was looking for you. Mistress, you weren't trying to kill yourself, were you? Is that why you were here, waiting for the sun to rise?"

  "No. Agyar wanted me dead. That's why I was here."

  "That's awful!" she gasped. "The master wants you dead so he can convert that other woman? That's awful!" she repeated.

  "Never mind about that," I said quickly. "Where are they now? There may still be time to stop him, then!"

  "Stop him?" she said. "The master does as he pleases, you know that!"

  "I know," I said, "But—that shouldn't be! She doesn't want to be like us, he shouldn't do that to her!" I grabbed Lara's arm and pulled her down the stairs faster. She almost stumbled several times and began to protest.

  "Mistress, stop this, I can't keep up with you!"

  I stopped dragging her and tugged her forward to face me.

  "Where are they?" I asked. "Please, Lara, I have to know where they are!"

  "In the—the—" she stammered, and I don't think I made it much easier to continue by shaking her so.

  "Where are they?" I demanded.

  "In the guest bedroom!" she cried. "On the second floor, remember?"

  "I remember," I said, and bolted away from her to reach the room before sunrise—before it was too late. Lara darted after me, pleading with me to please explain what was going on, what was I trying to do, did I mean to hurt the master?

  As I reached the door I almost burst straight through, when I was suddenly stopped within inches of it by a nearly tangible force. The force was my own fear, Agyar's influence making my fear of doing anything to stop him so great that I was immobilized, and when Lara rushed up behind me I was shivering in a cold sweat.

  "No…" I whispered.

  "What are you doing, mistress?" she cried. "What's this all about?"

  "Shh!" I hissed, and clamped my hand over her mouth.

  "I can't do it!" I said, and pulled away my hand.

  "Can't do what?" she cried. "Mistress, I don't understand this—"

  "Hush!" I whispered. "Lara, we must be quiet! I have to get in there," I said. "But I can't! He won't let me!"

  "The master won't let you enter?" she whispered, and I nodded quickly.

  "He wants to convert that Christian woman, yes?" she continued, and I nodded again.

  "It isn't right!" I said. "She doesn't deserve to be converted! But I can't stop him!"

  "Do you want me to help you?" she asked.

  I shook my head frantically. "No, no!" I cried. "I must do this myself!"

  "That's too bad, mistress, because I'm going to help!" she said, and threw the door open.

  The sun had not yet risen, but the sky was rather bright by now, and
the blacks and grays of the night had become the muted grays of twilight. It was the room Gaar and I had originally stayed in. Heleyne lay asleep on the bed, and Agyar loomed over her, his teeth firmly implanted in her veins. I'm certain he must have heard us talking outside the door but had deemed us to be no threat. I had no way of knowing yet how much he had taken from her, but I assumed it was quite a bit already, and the anger I felt from that helped stifle my fear a little.

  I started when Lara threw the door open, and I made a small noise in surprise, but once the deed had been done, yelling at her about it would have been pointless at best. Agyar raised his head as the door slammed into the wall behind it, and I almost ran screaming down the hallway, only Lara stood behind me and blocked my way.

  "Leave us, woman," he growled, and I almost obeyed, but Lara pushed me inside, and I desperately fought off the terror building up in me and stood my ground. Agyar raised his head higher until he was sitting up.

  "I said, leave us, woman," he said even more firmly. I raised my chin in defiance and set my jaw, and remained where I was despite the fact that I was almost ready to faint right there. Agyar rose from the bed and glided toward me, his face contorted in anger. I shivered as he reached me and stopped, and although I was taller than he, I felt as though he were looming above me.

  His eyes began to glow, and for the first time, I thought to fight fire with fire and try to charm him, as well, if I could. We locked gazes and concentrated, each pair of eyes trying to burn through to the other's soul. Lara could do little but watch our mental battle, one which I was very quickly losing.

  Agyar reached his hand out for my throat as my will began slipping away. And then, perhaps by impulse, perhaps by something else, I knocked his hand away from my face and leapt back. His concentration was broken, and I was terrified, but I was even more terrified to give up now.

  He took a step forward and tried to grab me again, and I knocked away his hand and sent him sprawling with a quick counterpunch. Lara cried out in surprise and leapt away from the fight toward the bed.