Monkey Business

by Anna Wilson

  ‘Chocolate!’ said Flo, beaming.

  ‘Now hang on a minute,’ Mum said, standing up in front of Flo and putting her hands on her hips. ‘I think you’re forgetting a few important details here, Madam.’ Things were bad if Mum was calling her that to her face, Felix thought grimly. ‘It was you who started Felix on this whole adoption thing and it was YOU, dear brother –’ she said this as if she didn’t really mean it – ‘who agreed to do the adopting and who didn’t explain it all thoroughly to poor Felix. So I don’t actually think any of this is Felix’s fault.’

  Lord Basin had abandoned all hope of staying serious by now and was clutching his sides and shaking. Then he started roaring with laughter, until tears rolled down his cheeks. ‘Come now, dear lady,’ he said at last. ‘Calm yourself. I am not going to punish anyone for today’s little escapade. I think it shows great entrepreneurial spirit and adventure – something we don’t see a lot of these days. You should be proud of your son and his little friend here. They will make a great contribution to the preservation of the wildlife on this planet in time, I’m sure.’

  Zed nodded and was about to add some words of his own, but Mum shook her head at him in warning.

  ‘And now, let’s forget all about it for a moment and get down to some much more important business.’ Lord Basin pressed another button in the wall, and a man in a black suit arrived with a trolley full of cakes and drinks.

  ‘Happy birthday, Felix!’ Lord Basin cried, lifting the lid of the cake stand with a flourish.

  The animal-print cushions were comfy and the hot chocolate was creamy and soothing. Felix had not realized how hungry he was until the cakes arrived. It had been a long time since breakfast.

  Soon everyone had forgotten to be cross or nervous or awestruck and they were chatting away with Lord Basin. Felix told him all about his wish to have as many pets as he could fit into his house and his constant battles with Mum.

  ‘And so you see that is why I got very excited when I thought I would be adopting a Wild Endangered Animal for real. Cats and dogs are all very well, but they are not exactly very Different or Exotic and Interesting.’

  Mum told him she did not want any more animals unless it was ‘over her dead body’.

  ‘The problem is, Lord Basin – er, Harry – that we have a relatively small house and garden and there just isn’t the room to accommodate Felix’s growing collection of wildlife.’

  Then Flo chipped in and told him in detail about their elephant adoption plans right from the beginning.

  Finally Zed told him of his trips to Africa with Silver and how he longed to go back. ‘Life is a journey after all, man, you know? And Silvs and me, we’re not sure we want to let the journey stop just yet.’

  Dad sat back and pretended to listen to it all while actually falling fast asleep.

  ‘Well, well, well,’ said Lord Basin, leaning into his cushions and resting his huge hands on his even huger belly. ‘I can see how passionate you two children are. I know it’s hard to believe, Felix, but I was once a young boy just like you; always getting into trouble for bringing unwanted animals home. Of course I was lucky enough to live in this vast place, which meant it was easier to hide the creatures I loved for a while without my dear mum and dad (bless their souls) finding out. But it became more and more difficult to explain away things like huge lumps of poo on the carpet in the dining room (I used to let my St Bernard dog sleep under the grand piano at night).’ Flo and Felix shook their heads in amazement. ‘And then there were the tortoises – I used to put them to bed for the winter in the oak chests we kept blankets and sheets in. If ever we had guests, someone would go to fetch some spare blankets and more often than not they’d disturb one of my tortoises. That never went down very well. The tortoises weren’t too pleased either!’

  Felix chuckled. He was transfixed. He had never met a grown-up like Lord Basin before. Not even Zed would have thought of putting hibernating tortoises into a blanket chest.

  ‘So that’s why you started the safari park,’ Felix said eventually. ‘And how did you get the lions and things? Did you actually go to Africa and capture them?’

  ‘Good gracious me, NO!’ roared Lord Basin, slapping his thigh, and making Felix jump. ‘That would be a terrible thing to do. I did travel in Africa, as you know, and I greatly appreciated seeing the wonderful animals there in their natural habitat. But I also learned of the terrible things that happened to many of them – being hunted for their skins, tusks and so forth. It started me thinking, though, about conservation and what I could do to help protect those poor endangered species. And then something marvellous happened . . .’ He paused and leaned forward conspiratorially.

  ‘What?’ cried Flo, bouncing impatiently in her seat.

  Lord Basin beamed and went on: ‘Many years ago, a beautiful film was made about lions in the wild; the lions that were used in that film were bred in captivity. After the filming, there was some debate as to where the lions would go. Some said they should live in London Zoo, for example, and some said they should go and work in a circus. I hated the idea! Poor glorious creatures, shut away in cages! I came back to Shortfleet that night and looked around me and thought, I’ve enough room here for a few lions of my own . . .

  ‘That’s when I came up with the idea of a safari park. Cages are so restricting and harmful to animals, and yet humans have been keeping animals locked away for years. So I thought it might be fun to turn the whole idea upside down and to have humans themselves shut inside a cage and have the animals roaming about freely instead.’

  ‘Humans in cages?’ Flo scoffed. ‘But there aren’t any cages in your safari park.’

  ‘Are there not?’ Lord Basin asked, a merry glint in his eye.

  Flo pulled down the corners of her mouth and shrugged her shoulders.

  Felix thought about the way they had travelled around the park, and how the wolves had looked at them lazily from their lush green beds of grass, and how the monkeys had invaded the car and attacked them and they had not been able to do anything about it, because they had been trapped . . .

  ‘Hey! I get it – man, that’s awesome,’ Zed cried, clapping his hands together.

  ‘Yes!’ shouted Felix, suddenly clicking. ‘The cars are the cages – WE are in the cages. That’s it, isn’t it?’ he said.

  Zed was nodding enthusiastically. ‘I always said cars were like artificial constructs that constrain the rhythm of our natural movement, yeah? Well, Harry here is right on it – WE are the captives, man! Shut up in our metal boxes: the lions and that – they get to stare at us in our cages while they get to roam free. Sweet!’

  Mum smiled at her brother and shook her head in mock despair.

  ‘So, Felix. What am I going to do with you now?’ Lord Basin asked teasingly. ‘My keeper who picked you up thinks I should fine you and tell you never to set foot in my safari park ever again . . . but I don’t think so. I’m sure you’ve learned your lesson about tampering with wildlife. Those monkeys are mighty fearsome little rascals once they’ve got their sights on something, and they played havoc with your dad’s car, didn’t they? Not to mention poor little Flossie’s hair—’

  ‘Erm, it’s Flo, actually,’ Flo interrupted.

  Lord Basin grinned. ‘Well, Miss Flo Actually, how about if I tell you what I’ve been thinking while we’ve been chatting, and let’s see if you agree with me.’

  Felix felt his head go into a spin. He gripped the arm of the sofa as hard as he could to stop himself from being sick. He wasn’t sure he could handle any more surprises. He suddenly wished he hadn’t eaten so many of those cakes.

  ‘How would you like to come back to Shortfleet some time soon and be keeper for the day and learn how to look after my animals properly? Once you’ve seen how much hard work goes into caring for wild animals, you’ll be in a better position to think about whether that is what you really want to do when you grow up.’

  Felix’s jaw dropped to the ground and Flo squealed.
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br />   ‘I take it you like the idea?’ Lord Basin said, his eyes twinkling. ‘There’s one more thing. I would like to give you a birthday present, Felix. That is, if it’s all right with you, dear lady?’ he asked Mum.

  She shrugged awkwardly and Felix felt his insides jump around in excitement.

  ‘Felix, I am touched by your story about Reggie,’ Lord Basin continued. ‘I hate to think of your disappointment when you learned you wouldn’t be taking him home to live with you. I would like to do something to remedy that. Now, obviously I can’t give you one of my monkeys to take home. You’ve seen what little devils they can be, and they need to be looked after by properly trained keepers . . . however, I very much like the idea of the adoption scheme, and so I’ve been thinking while we’ve been chatting – how about you adopt one of my animals? You can choose any animal you like: any size, any colour. The animal will stay here, of course, but you can come and visit it and help at cleaning-out and feeding times whenever you like.’ Felix gulped and squeezed his eyes tight shut and then opened them again. He pinched himself hard on the arm for good measure. ‘Ow! . . . Er, wow!’ he cried. ‘I’m not dreaming then? Oh . . . oh, my . . .’ Before he could stop to think, he leaped up from the cushions and ran round and round the room thumping the air and yelling, ‘This is the best birthday ever!’

  ‘Like, crazy, man!’ said Zed, clapping his hands and laughing.

  Lord Basin was laughing his booming laugh too, his belly shaking as he watched Felix do another victory lap of the room.

  Mum coughed nervously and said, ‘Well, that’s awfully kind of you, Lord Ba—’

  ‘Harry!’ Lord Basin reminded her.

  Mum nodded shyly. ‘Erm, that’s awfully kind of you, Harry, but I really think—’

  ‘Listen, my dear,’ Lord Basin interrupted, gently placing a giant hand on Mum’s arm, ‘I love to encourage youngsters to get involved with conservation, and your son has a real passion, surely you can see that? It would be an honour to have him here at Shortfleet on a regular basis. Now,’ he said, turning to Flo, ‘what about you, Miss Flo Actually? Do you think you would like to come along and help out too?’

  A smile spread slowly over Flo’s banana-clad features and she said, ‘I think I could manage that.’

  ‘Good, that’s settled then,’ said Lord Basin. ‘Just so long as you both remember one very important thing.’

  ‘What’s that?’ Felix asked.

  ‘Next time you visit – no monkey business!’

  A MESSAGE FROM THE AUTHOR

  My son ran out of school one afternoon with the exciting announcement that he and his friends were going to open their own zoo!

  ‘We’ve decided we’ll have zebras, giraffes and elephants in the garden,’ he told me breathlessly. ‘And the seals can go in our pond. But don’t worry, Mum,’ he said, patting me on the arm reassuringly, ‘I’ve said the snakes will have to go to Jamie’s, as I know you don’t much like reptiles.’

  I chuckled to myself, thinking how wonderful it was that my son and his friends had such active imaginations. I even went so far as to encourage him in his dream by asking him what other animals he thought would be good additions to his zoo.

  However, it very quickly became clear that, as far as the boys were concerned, this was not a make-believe game at all. Far from it: this imaginary zoo was to become reality.

  After a couple of weeks of feverish planning and debate, in which my son and his friends spent every waking moment writing lists of desirable zoo animals, researching their habits and feeding requirements on the Internet, and drawing up designs to show where each and every ‘enclosure’ would need to be built, I tentatively asked where the boys were going to get all these creatures from exactly.

  The answer was delivered with a look that quite plainly said: Are you completely bonkers, Mum?

  ‘We’re going to write to Longleat Safari Park and ask them to give us some, of course,’ my son told me. ‘They’ve got loads of animals there. They won’t mind giving us a few.’

  And so the idea for Monkey Business was there, right under my nose! Of course, I had to make up a few things to make it into the story that it is now as, unlike Felix and Flo, my son and his friends thankfully did not go so far as to plan a full-scale kidnapping (or ‘monkey-napping’) operation!

  I did use the Longleat idea, though, for my fictional safari park, Shortfleet. Longleat is a very famous safari park and stately home not far from where I live. It is owned by Lord Bath who, just like Lord Basin in my story, decided to give a home to lions that had been used in the making of a film. It was in doing this that Lord Bath created the first location outside Africa to open a drive-through safari park. You can find out more about Longleat and all the animals there at www.longleat.co.uk.

  However, UNLIKE Lord Basin, Lord Bath would definitely not be as easily forgiving if you tried to take any of the animals out of the park, so if you are ever lucky enough to go to Longleat, please obey all the rules of the safari park and do not try any monkey business!

  My son never did get his own zoo, although he hasn’t quite given up hope. At the last count we had one dog, two cats, two chickens, and a pond full of water boatmen, shrimps, frogspawn and pond skaters. And there has been talk recently of acquiring a hamster or a guinea pig or two . . .

  I hope you enjoyed this story. If you would like to find out more about me and my books, please visit www.annawilson.co.uk. Or you can write to me:

  Anna Wilson

  c/o Macmillan Children’s Books,

  20 New Wharf Road,

  London

  N1 9RR

  Love

  Anna

  xxx

  PS I’d love to see your pet photos too! But don’t forget to enclose a stamped addressed envelope if you want me to return them to you.

  Also by Anna Wilson

  Puppy Love

  Pup Idol

  Puppy Power

  Kitten Kaboodle

  Kitten Smitten

  Kitten Cupid

  And chosen by Anna Wilson

  Fairy Stories

  Princess Stories

  First published 2011 by Macmillan Children’s Books

  This edition published 2011 by Macmillan Children’s Books

  This electronic edition published 2012 by Macmillan Children’s Books

  a division of Macmillan Publishers Limited

  Pan Macmillan, 20 New Wharf Road, London N1 9RR

  Basingstoke and Oxford

  Associated companies throughout the world

  www.panmacmillan.com

  ISBN 978-1-447-23666-5 EPUB

  Text copyright © Anna Wilson 2011

  The right of Anna Wilson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by her in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

  You may not copy, store, distribute, transmit, reproduce or otherwise make available this publication (or any part of it) in any form, or by any means (electronic, digital, optical, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the publisher. Any person who does any unauthorized act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

  A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

  Visit www.panmacmillan.com to read more about all our books and to buy them. You will also find features, author interviews and news of any author events, and you can sign up for e-newsletters so that you’re always first to hear about our new releases.

 

 

 
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