Shattered (Shattered #1)

by D'Agostino, Heather

  I looked down at myself. I was wearing a pair of sweat pants, and a stained t-shirt. I don’t think I’d changed clothes in four days. I did kinda smell. My hair was a ratty mess, and I had streaks down my face where I had cried off my makeup. I had absolutely no desire to shower or change.

  ooooooooo

  I made my way into the bathroom, and tossed some clean clothes onto the counter. Nothing fancy, just some jeans and a t-shirt. I turned the shower on as hot as I could stand it, and waited for it to warm up. When steam began to fill the tiny room, I stripped out of my clothes, and stepped in. As the hot water hit my body, I began to slowly relax. I didn’t realize how weak, and worn I felt. I’d been in bed for so long, and turned food away so many times that I looked malnourished, and I ached from laying in the same position for such a long amount of time. As I relaxed, and let the water run over me my grief surged to the surface. Soon tears streamed down my face mixed with the shower water.

  My sobs had started quiet, but as I felt two strong arms wrap around me from behind, I knew that they had gotten louder.

  “Shhh,” Nick whispered into my ear as he tucked a wet strand of hair back away from my face. “I’ve got you.”

  I sagged against him, and let him hold me up. I couldn’t believe after what I said to him that he was still here. I was so mean trying to drive him away, and here he was helping me.

  “I’m sorry,” I sobbed as I turned to bury my face in his chest.

  “It’s ok,” he whispered. “Can you stand up? I’ll wash your hair.”

  I nodded and braced my hands on the wall as Nick lathered up my hair. When I felt his fingers massaging my scalp, I let my eyes drift close. It felt so good. I’d showered with boyfriends before, but never Nick. We were so young when we were together the first time that we had never experienced this sort of intimacy. The thought that my dad was downstairs didn’t even occur to me until Nick mentioned it.

  “Your dad had to run to the store. I told him I’d watch you,” he placed a kiss to my cheek as he turned me under the water to rinse my hair out.

  “Mmmm,” I sighed as the water caused the bubbles to cascade down my body.

  Once he had conditioned my hair, Nick grabbed my scrubby and began soaping it up. He slowly drug it over my entire body taking his time to make sure every inch was washed. If it were under different circumstances, I’m sure this shower would have led to something else, but right now…this comfort he was offering…it was all my fragile state of mind could take.

  ooooooooo

  As we rode into Washburn, the next town over, I worked to convince myself that this was a good idea. I knew deep down somewhere that I needed the help, I think I was just so lost that I didn’t know how to ask for it.

  “It’s gonna get better. You’ll see,” Nick murmured as he reached across the seat, and squeezed my knee.

  “Mmmm hmmmm,” I nodded absently as I continued to stare out the window at the countryside. “Can’t get worse,” I sighed.

  “Leah…” Nick huffed. “I’m just trying to help.”

  “Yeah well…I’m going aren’t I? I mean you didn’t give me much of a choice,” I turned to glare at him as the anger began to flare again. I’m not really sure where this hostility toward Nick was coming from, but anything was better than the sadness that I seemed to be drowning in lately.

  “Just give it a chance…ok?” he begged. “That’s all I’m asking for…a chance.”

  “Yeah, whatever,” I rolled my eyes and slumped against the truck window once again putting as much emotional distance as I could between us.

  ooooooooo

  “So how are you feeling today, Miss Carmichael?” Dr. Bertram asked.

  “How do you think?” I narrowed my eyes at him.

  “That’s why I’m asking you. I want to know,” he tried again.

  “Well let’s see...” I tapped my finger on my chin and smirked at him. I did not want to be here, and being a bitch seemed to be the only way for me to cope these last few days. “My mom is dead, my dreams are non-existent, and I have no future. That just about sums it up. I feel great!” I waved my arms in the air with the fakest smile I could muster before slumping back in the chair, and crossing them over my chest.

  “Sounds like you’ve had a rough couple of months,” he nodded. “And you can call me Joe.”

  “Months? Try years…I’ve been dealing with having a crap life for years,” I scowled.

  “Really? Can you hear yourself right now? I don’t think things were as bad as you think they were. I understand that the loss of you mother has upended your world, but I think you need to put things in perspective.”

  “Like what?” I sighed as a tear began to trickle down my cheek. I swiped at it angrily, and shifted in my chair.

  “You had two loving parents who would do anything for you. They’ve always supported your dreams. From what I know, the whole town supported you. You have a man sitting out there who obviously cares about you, otherwise he wouldn’t be here. Am I right?”

  I nodded and wiped at my eyes again. I knew that I was being ridiculous in some ways, I just didn’t know any other way to cope. “Yeah,” I glanced around the small office I was sitting in, and noticed a picture on the wall of a little boy. He looked to be about eight. “Is that your son?” I pointed, and Joe nodded. “He’s cute. Now imagine that you sacrificed all your free time, and money to help him follow his dreams. Then, just when he was about to reach them, they all crashed down. He comes home to see you after he’s been away for years. Not days or months, but years. Only to find out that he’s missed all the time he had left with you because you’re dying. You tell me, what you would tell him, then maybe I can start to understand what it is everyone wants from me.”

  Joe removed the wire framed glasses from his face, and rubbed his eyes as he crossed and uncrossed his legs. He studied me for a few moments before opening his mouth. I was sort of shocked at what he said.

  “I’d tell him I was proud of him. I’d tell him that no matter what he chose to do in life, that he would be successful, because he cared. I would tell him that I loved him, and that I wouldn’t go back and change a thing because all those choices he had made, made him who he was. I’m sure no matter what you think… your mom was proud of you. She sacrificed all that time, and energy because she loved you. You were her daughter, and just by being her daughter you made her proud,” he leaned back in his chair and placed his glasses back on his nose. “You need to let go of the anger if you want to heal. Your mom loved you. The sooner you stop punishing yourself for the sacrifices she made for you, the sooner you can begin to heal.”

  I tipped my head down, and stared at my hands that were twisted in my lap. As Dr. Bertram’s words began to slowly sink in, my heart seemed to lighten a little. “So what now?” I glanced up at him and released a breath I’d been holding.

  He smiled at me, “Now we set up a schedule. You can come back anytime you need to, but I’d like to see you once a week at least for a month. Then we’ll reevaluate where you are. Decide where to go from there. You may not understand this now, but I’m proud of you Leah. You’re making a good decision right now by agreeing to come back. We’ll get you back to normal soon. I promise,” he smiled softly.

  “I’d kinda like to be better than normal if that’s alright with you doc. My normal kinda sucks,” I offered a weak smile.

  “Fair enough,” he nodded as he stood, walked over to his desk, pulled up his schedule on his computer, and searched for an appointment for the next week.

  ooooooooo

  When I stepped out of his office, and back into the waiting room, Nick was slouched in a chair. He sat up straighter, and blinked up at me as he took in my appearance. It still baffled me that this man who I’d treated like crap lately was still here… still taking care of me. I offered him a soft smile as I stepped into his waiting arms. When they circled around me to hold me in a gentle hug, I glanced up at him, and whispered, “Thank you,” before raising up
on my tiptoes to place a light kiss to him cheek.

  “No problem,” he mumbled against my hair as he tighten his embrace.

  I could tell as we were walking out of the office that this was a beginning. A beginning to what… I wasn’t sure, but a beginning none the less.

  Chapter 14

  Leah

  3 months later…

  I had been going to see Dr. Bertram for three months now, and things were slowly getting better. I wasn’t back to my former self yet but as the doc said, “things were improving.” I never really understood how spilling your guts to a complete stranger could help, but it did.

  Each week, when I sat there rambling on about whatever was going on in my life at the moment, it was liberating. It felt like someone was grabbing the load I was carrying, and putting it on their shoulders for a few hours. Dr. Bertram had a way with words. It was as if he knew exactly what to say to relax me. I guess that’s why he was so good at his job.

  As I walked out of his office a few hours ago, he had told me that I was doing well enough that we could cut back on my sessions. He informed me that he believed I’d be fine now, but if I ever needed him for anything just to call. He’d meet me anywhere to talk about anything. It felt good knowing that I had that power…the power to choose how things went from here.

  ooooooooo

  Pittsford was a ghost town tonight. It was Homecoming, and Nick along with every other warm-blooded American were at the football stadium. I had agreed to help my dad at the shop for a few hours before heading to the high school. He had thought we’d be busy, I mean everyone knows that pizza and football go together, but it was dead so to speak. We’d had three, yes three customers in the last two hours, and it was the middle of dinner time.

  “Why don’t you go on to the game,” my dad called as he came from the kitchen.

  I looked up from the table I was sitting at, “Are you sure? I don’t want to leave you here by yourself.”

  “I’ll be fine. You go meet Nick, and your friends. Don’t worry about me. Have a good time. I’ll see you when you stop by next week,” he smiled at me and tossed a rag in my direction. “Now Go!”

  I grinned at him, and bolted toward the door. I missed hanging out with my dad, but I was missing my friends now too. Things had been much better lately. I’d moved back to Avery’s, and Nick and I had been trying to go out, and spend time together.

  Tonight, we were supposed to hang out back at mine and Avery’s place. Nick, Cam, and Logan were going to meet us there after the game. I hadn’t really seen much of Logan lately. Avery always kicked him out early. Last week, I caught his bare ass sneaking into the bathroom to shower at 5 a.m. Avery claimed that they were just sleeping together, Logan didn’t mean anything, but I knew she cared. Avery may not want to like him, but the look on her face when she talks about him says it all.

  Logan on the other hand always has been a player. He and Nick were best friends in high school. Nick the playboy on the football team, and Logan the playboy on the basketball team. Once Nick and I had started dating, he and Logan didn’t hang out as much. I had hoped that I didn’t have anything to do with that, but their friendship seemed to have survived.

  ooooooooo

  When I reached the stadium, you could hear the thundering of shouts and cheers all the way out into the parking lot. Nick had a winning team the last three years. Conference champs two years ago, and this year they were sure to make the playoffs. Pittsford hadn’t done this well in a long time.

  I found Avery sitting about midway up, right behind the team bench. She stood, and waved her arms to get my attention. As I made my way up the steps, I watched Nick with his headphones and clipboard. He looked so in his element. It was like he was meant for this. The team was on the five-yard line, and looking to score for the third time so far.

  “What took you so long?” Avery wrapped me in a hug just as the crowd erupted again.

  “Had to help Dad. I’m done for the night though,” I cringed as the volume around me became ear piercing.

  Avery bounced up at down, throwing her arms in the air, “Whooo hoo!”

  “Maybe you should be down there with the cheerleaders,” I joked. Avery was cheer captain when we were students here. She always had a big mouth.

  “Naw, they’ve got plenty of help,” she rolled her eyes and shifted in her seat uncomfortably.

  “Huh?” I glanced at her as we sat down.

  “Remember Becca Taylor?” she cocked her head to the side.

  “OMG yes!” I groaned. “That bitch was always trying to get in Nick’s pants. I think she made it her mission to break us up.”

  “Well…check out who’s standing beside the team bench,” Avery nodded her head toward the sidelines.

  “What’s she doing here?” I gasped.

  “She’s a trainer,” Avery scowled, but the only thing she seems to be interested in is Nick.

  Sure enough, Becca was standing at the end of the team bench. Every time Nick would look in her direction, she would smile that flirty smile. She had made my life so miserable the last few months that Nick and I were together that all I could think about was knocking her teeth down her throat.

  “Easy,” Avery teased. “I know you want to kill her, but you have to trust him.”

  “I do trust him, but she’s a bitch. I see she hasn’t changed at all.”

  I nodded toward the two of them where Becca was now rubbing Nick’s arm. He flinched slightly, and pulled away from her, but she wasn’t deterred. She moved closer, and leaned up to whisper something in his ear. Nick scowled and stepped back. I would have given anything to know what she said.

  “She’s got some nerve,” Avery huffed. “He’s told her about you. I heard him before the game when she came prancing down there.”

  Just then the clocked ran out, and team ran off for halftime. “I’ll squash that. Watch,” I stood and grinned at Avery as I made my way down to the fence. Nick had yet to see me, so he didn’t even know I was approaching him.

  When I reached the fence, I whistled, and leaned over as far as I could, “Hey coach!”

  Nick turned with his head still down looking at the clipboard. When he glanced up, his face broke out in a huge grin. “Yeah?” he smirked.

  “I need to ask you something about that last play,” Nick moved closer as the team ran behind him heading to the locker rooms. “It seemed a little dominating don’tcha think?”

  “I thought you liked it when I was in charge,” he teased as he moved up flush with the fence.

  From where we were standing, me on the stands and him on the ground, we were eyelevel. Becca was a few steps behind Nick, and glaring at me. I gave her a knowing smile as I leaned closer and whispered to Nick, “I do love it when you’re in charge. Maybe you can show me later.”

  Nick groaned and leaned his forehead against mine, “You’re gonna make it hard for me to concentrate on the game.”

  “I like making things hard,” I teased as I leaned in and kissed him lightly.

  Before I could pull away, Nick dropped the clipboard, reached up, and grabbed the back of my neck effectively holding me in place. The kiss turned hungry and deep almost immediately. As his tongue dove in and tangled with mine, I leaned further over the fence. I know things would have escalated if the catcalls hadn’t started. It was as if a bucket of cold water had been thrown on me. Whistles, hoots, and hollers came from every direction as our make out session was now front and center. With the game on hold due to halftime, everyone was watching us.

  I pulled back, and grinned at him as he fought to control his breathing. Becca looked furious. I showed her that bitch. He was mine, and I wasn’t going to let her have the satisfaction of knowing she still got to me.

  I gave her a smug smile before turning to head back to my seat. Take that Becca. You may be on the field, but you’re not in the game.

  “There’s more of that later,” I called over my shoulder as I climbed the stadium steps.

  �
�I’m counting on it,” Nick chuckled as he turned to follow the team into the locker room.

  “Holy shit girl!” Avery giggled as I plopped back down beside her. “That was awesome. She was fuming.”

  “I know right?” I leaned into Avery’s side and laughed. “It felt good to do that. I’d love to know what’s going through her head right now.”

  “Who cares,” Avery rolled her eyes. “I wanna know how she ever thought she’d get between you and Nick. I mean seriously…you two were made for each other. No one had a chance with either of you.”

  “I don’t know about that,” I sighed as I thought back to my time with Will, my trainer in Atlanta. We’d dated for a few months, and things were good. I think if I hadn’t gotten hurt, and come home that it might have worked. I’d told Nick it didn’t mean anything, but it was part of the past. It didn’t mean anything now, but it had meant something back then.

  “Well, all I know is…nothing worked out for him after you left,” Avery shrugged and took a sip of her soda.

  “What are you talking about? Nick said there wasn’t anyone,” I turned to glance at her.

  “Shit!” she gasped. “I shouldn’t have said anything.”

  “No, tell me!” I took her drink out of her hands and helped myself to it. “How many?”

  “A few, I guess. No one important enough to worry about. I mean, Leah think about it…you were gone for five years. He didn’t know if you were coming back. He spiraled out of control at first. How do you think men deal with something like that? I’ll tell you…they drink themselves into a stupor, and then they have sex with some random bar fly.”

  My face blanched, “I don’t even know what to say to that.”

  “Don’t say anything. I shouldn’t have brought it up. You’ve had enough shit going on in your life these last several months to last a lifetime. Just forget I opened my big mouth. You and Nick are back together, that’s what counts.”