The Breath Between Waves

by Charlotte Anne Hamilton

  It was a sharp contrast to the other boat, which seemed to be carrying Third Class passengers. Most of them were thin, their clothes basic and functional rather than decorative.

  She knew that so many in Third Class were joining relatives across the ocean and no doubt were excited to begin this new chapter with their loved ones.

  But Penelope just wanted to return to Scotland. It was her home, where her friends, Millicent, Deborah, and Emma were. Everything about it was familiar, from the green hills and the dreich weather to the words people said and the way they said them.

  Nothing about America was going to give the same feeling of safety and security that Scotland gave her. And, most importantly, America didn’t have her granny.

  Her right hand moved from the railing to clasp her granny’s locket around her neck. She let her fingers trail over the engraving as she watched the people board from the smaller ship.

  “That is pretty,” Ruby said after a long moment. Honestly, Penelope had forgotten she was still there.

  Penelope readjusted her grip so that it was cradled in her palm, allowing Ruby a better look. “Granny gave it to me. There’s a pressed thistle inside, so I can remember her and Scotland whenever I feel homesick.” She flicked it open to show Ruby. “There used to be a photograph of my grandfather in there, but she must have taken it out when she gave it to me.”

  “That was sweet of her. It is good to have reminders of home.”

  “It’s her I miss more than anything, truthfully. She’s always been there for me, always sticking up for me. I remember once when I was a young girl, this other girl was teasing me—we shared a nanny, so we were often watched together. I had no idea that Granny had noticed until the girl’s mother showed up. I have never seen anyone threaten and insult someone as gracefully and tactfully as Granny. The girl never bothered me again.” Penelope lowered the locket and turned towards Ruby. “What about you? Do you have any reminders of home? Of Ireland?”

  Ruby’s hands smoothed over her shawl. “Not really. Mammy was still alive when we moved… Another reason for the move was because we had no family left in Ireland. Gran, Mhamó, Papa, and Dhaideo were all gone… I was twelve when we moved to England, fifteen when my mother died. Too old to forget what I’d had before, but too young to think of keeping a memento. All I have is my stamp book, which Mammy started when she was a girl, and this.” She tugged the navy shawl further around her body until the ends were tucked firmly under her arms.

  Penelope’s throat was tight. She’d only ever had Granny. Her father’s parents had died before she’d been born, and her mother’s father had died not long after.

  And even though she and her parents never seemed to get on, the three of them acutely aware that Penelope was an accident they weren’t too pleased about, they were still there. They looked after her and raised her right, and she’d be devastated should anything happen to them.

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

  “It is what it is,” Ruby replied. Silence washed over them as they both turned their gazes back to France, watching the passengers continue to board.

  By the time the ship moved again, the sky had started to darken, and Penelope was glad that she had put her coat on. The wind was picking up, and she noticed Ruby wrapping her arms around herself.

  Pushing away from the railing, Penelope smiled at her. “You look like you’re going to drop. Let’s get you back below deck for some warmth.”

  Ruby laughed as she followed Penelope. “I wish it were as simple as that. Dinner will be soon—I believe we have a table booked at half-past-eight.”

  They went down the staircase, and when they reached E Deck and started their way down the corridor to their rooms, they passed a clock that made both of them stop.

  There were only twenty minutes until Ruby’s dinner booking, and Penelope was running late, too. “Oh.”

  “I have never been more glad that you never change the first night of a voyage,” Ruby said.

  “You don’t? Why?”

  “Mostly because the luggage is rarely organised in time. We have been rather lucky, and I assume that’s due to our room number, but I am willing to bet most other passengers don’t have theirs.”

  “I’m a little relieved to hear that, then. My parents have ours booked in five minutes.” Penelope laughed as she rubbed her forehead and tried her best to smooth her hair. She had been in such a rush to see Cherbourg that she’d forgotten to put on her hat.

  She hoped that her father hadn’t seen her. She remembered coming back from an outing with Emma and Millicent one day—they had been walking through some hidden fields and, in a moment of childish glee, had started a game of tag. Their hats had been cumbersome in the wind, so they had removed them. When it had been time to return home, Penelope couldn’t find her hatpin, and the wind had been too brisk to keep her hat atop her head without it. Her father had caught her and given a long spiel about how a young woman had to be modest and virtuous, and how no daughter of his would ever be considered clatty.

  It had been rather difficult keeping a straight face as her friends had stood a few feet away, making funny faces at her and her father.

  “I cannot believe we stood up there for that long…” Penelope trailed off, her eyes darting to Ruby’s, and tried to ignore the way her heart leapt to her throat at the soft smile on her face. It was so strange how similar she was in appearance to Caroline—the same blonde hair and blue eyes and soft features. But that was where the similarities ended.

  Caroline was always trying to appear grander than she was. Everything Caroline did was thought over meticulously. Ruby held herself with the sort of carefree, beautiful abandon that Caroline could never hope to achieve, even though it seemed to be her life’s goal.

  Yet the most terrifying part wasn’t that Penelope was attracted to her. What terrified her was just how easy it was to spend time around this perfect stranger.

  There was something in Ruby’s eyes now that Penelope couldn’t decipher.

  She swallowed, wanting nothing more than to ask what she was thinking, but decided against it. She had to attend her dinner. She didn’t want her parents taking away the freedom she had on this ship because she couldn’t be trusted to keep simple appointments.

  “I don’t think I’ll have time to freshen up after all,” Penelope said as she drew to a halt. “I’d best hurry to the dining room now, before my parents send the stewards searching for me.”

  With an awkward laugh and a wave of her hand, Penelope started to retrace her steps back towards the stairs to go to the dining room on D Deck. She didn’t even give Ruby a chance to reply, and by the time Penelope reached the end of the corridor and turned back, she was nowhere to be seen.

  Penelope stopped and leaned against the wall.

  She ground her knuckles in her eyes, cursing herself. You are not doing this. You are not developing a crush on someone else so soon after Caroline. I forbid it!

  Penelope took a deep breath and pushed away from the wall, ready to join her parents in the dining room.

  And yet, as she walked, she was pretty sure she felt her heart laughing at her foolish belief that she had any say in what it did or did not do.

  Chapter Four

  When Penelope returned to their room after dinner, it was empty.

  She was more than grateful for that. She wasn’t sure she could deal with having to speak to Ruby right now. Not after the realisation that a silly crush had already started to develop after a day.

  Not even a day! Less than a day! Honestly!

  Scoffing, Penelope moved towards her luggage.

  After changing into her nightgown and placing her clothes back in her cases, she sat on her bed and started to untangle her hair from the wild mess it had turned into over the course of the day.

  Her lips curled in distaste as it fell over her shoulder, reaching j
ust under her rib cage. Grabbing her brush, she divided her hair into sections and started brushing it into something more manageable.

  She had just finished, and was in the process of braiding it, when the door opened and Ruby entered. Her eyes were heavy with sleep. “I cannot tell you how jealous I am that you’re in your nightclothes already,” she said with a soft laugh as she let her braid fall down her back. She then moved over to her suitcases and pulled out her nightgown. “Do you mind if I dress in here, or would you rather I go to one of the bathrooms?”

  The very thought of having Ruby undress in front of her made Penelope’s mind go blank—as if someone had poured cold water over burning coal inside her head. She distracted herself by looking for her ribbon to tie her hair. “No, no, it’s fine.” She tied off her braid and tried to smile at Ruby. “It hardly seems fair to make you change somewhere else and then have to walk back here, especially when you look so tired.”

  I’ll just have to face the wall and pretend I’m not thinking about what you look like.

  Some colour started to spread across Ruby’s face. For once, it wasn’t Penelope who was blushing like a fool. Though she had to wonder what she had said—she really hoped she hadn’t said that last thought aloud.

  “Thank you, I am shattered. My brother and niece were playing hide-and-seek across the whole of the Boat Deck. You wouldn’t think there’d be so many places for a child to hide there, but trust me, there are.” Ruby rolled her eyes and stifled a yawn before she started to remove her clothes.

  Penelope grinned. “That explains the books on the table,” she said before she shuffled under her covers, turning away from Ruby to give her some privacy as she undressed. She pulled her knees up to her chest and folded her hands under her head.

  “Yes. If the book is present, they force themselves awake to read more and more. I realised quickly that, if I read ahead and recite what I can remember, they fall asleep after a chapter or so.”

  Penelope made a sound in acknowledgment as she focused her gaze on the wall— it was metal, and she was near a joint. She wanted to reply, but she was afraid of what would come out should she try. Instead, she distracted herself by counting the rivets that joined the two pieces together. Yet no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t get past five, because by the time she got to that, her resolve had weakened, and she was trying to picture what Ruby was doing—what she would look like.

  An image of her in nothing but white stockings tied with silk garters came to her mind, and she swallowed hard.

  It seemed to take forever and yet no time at all before the room was encompassed in darkness as Ruby turned off the lights before pulling herself onto the top bunk and shuffling underneath the covers. “So, how was your first day aboard a ship?” Ruby asked, in a voice soft as a whisper.

  “Not as devastating as I believed it would be,” Penelope answered, her voice just as soft as Ruby’s. “And this motion isn’t quite as bad either… You get used to it quite quickly.”

  “Most people do. It’s only a very few that find it too much and spend their journey locked in their cabin.” Penelope could hear the smile in her voice. She wished that she could see Ruby’s face. “So… What brings you aboard?”

  “Father accepted a new job.” Penelope stared at the wood that made up the slats of Ruby’s bed, noticing how the mattress dipped from her weight. “He’s a mathematics teacher. He’s…terribly clever. But he wasn’t happy with his old position and so he started applying for new jobs at more prestigious universities. He told Mother and me that there was a good chance it would mean moving to England… Then he announced that he’d been offered a position at some college in Massachusetts and had accepted, without even talking it over with Mother.” She rolled her eyes in the darkness. “But that’s a man’s prerogative, though, isn’t it?” An inelegant scoff broke free from her lips.

  Ruby was silent for a moment before she made a sympathetic noise. “So you had to leave everyone you knew and loved without any warning?”

  Penelope’s heart tightened as images of Caroline and her friends were conjured in her head. She could see Caroline staring at her in shock as she had given the news of her imminent move, and watched as it changed to chagrin as she’d said that Penelope didn’t need to do what her parents wished her to. Millicent and Deborah had been more excited than she, seeing the opportunities rather than what it would mean leaving behind.

  Penelope had been unable to match their excitement.

  Her breath lodged in her throat. “Yes. You could say that. He told us maybe a month ago? I fought it every step—believed I would be able to stay with Granny and it would be enough… Obviously, that plan did not succeed.” Her hand snaked up her torso and tightened around her locket, the press of the stones into her skin a rather reassuring pain.

  “I’m sorry you had to deal with that.”

  Sighing, Penelope shuffled a little, turning her head farther into her pillow. Despite herself, her eyes were starting to feel heavy with sleep. “Don’t be. There’s nothing more to be done now, is there?” Taking a deep breath, Penelope pulled the covers tighter around her body. She somehow knew that Ruby was mulling over the right words to say, and so she took the decision away from her.

  She wasn’t in the mood to discuss it further, anyway.

  Already, images of Caroline were cycling through her mind, and pain and worry were starting to grip at her throat. They hadn’t parted on the best of terms, but nearly two years of her life had been consumed by Caroline—she had believed they would spend the rest of their lives together. Right up until Caroline had announced her engagement to a man, and Penelope had stopped fighting the move to America.

  Now, her thoughts of the future weren’t as pure or as sweet. She knew that she would be expected to marry some well-off man and give him countless children, even though men had never interested her and never would.

  The carefree, blissful, almost childish hopes she’d had for a life with Caroline had disappeared into nothing, and there would be no way to get them back. She would merely be a pawn in the game of society.

  “Goodnight, Ruby.”

  A small sigh escaped Ruby’s lips before she replied with, “Goodnight, Penelope. I’m sure tomorrow will bring you a brighter day.”

  Those last words caused a smile to spread across Penelope’s lips, which remained on her face even after she fell asleep.

  Chapter Five

  11th April 1912

  Ruby was already gone when Penelope woke up the next morning.

  While she got dressed, the memories of the dream she’d had last night came back to her.

  Her mind had conjured up an alternate ending, where, as Ruby had undressed, she had watched and then moved to assist her, touching all the skin that was made visible with each article she’d removed. She’d followed her fingertips with her lips and tongue before pushing Ruby down onto her bed and continuing her exploration.

  Her mouth had just reached the apex of her thighs when she had woken up.

  How was she supposed to look Ruby in the eye again after she had thought about touching her so intimately? After she’d dreamt of so many ways to make her moan?

  Stepping from her room, Penelope made her way towards her parents’ cabin, hoping that they hadn’t decided to leave for breakfast without her.

  Her father greeted her as he opened the door, dressed and with his hat already in place. “Ah. Good. We were just about to come and fetch you.”

  The three of them walked in silence towards the dining room, and Penelope tried her hardest to ignore the way her eyes kept darting around, expecting Ruby to appear out of thin air. She wasn’t sure she wanted that…not with her parents still with her.

  They would no doubt take one look at her and disapprove—they usually did whenever they met someone Penelope liked. Not even her friend Emma, with all her social graces, had been able to impres
s them. They had never said as much to Penelope, but she had overheard them talking one night when they had thought her retired to her room. They had been concerned about Emma’s eagerness to better herself. It had almost made her laugh. People were judged for not working hard enough to better their lot in life, and then Emma was also being judged for trying too hard to do just that.

  Then again, looking back, Penelope realised that they hadn’t been too wrong about Emma. After she had married a coal owner, she had drifted away from her old friends, as if they were no longer good enough for her. Especially since her husband was on the rise, and, if things continued on their way, would be looking at a peerage. And that had always been Emma’s goal.

  After they had ordered their food, Penelope felt as though the silence had gone on long enough.

  She politely cleared her throat and offered them both a smile. “How was your first night aboard?”

  “Not as bad as I expected,” her mother said, returning her smile. “It was rather easy to fall asleep.”

  “Yes. She handles the sea remarkably well. It may be a different story once we get out into the Atlantic, however,” Father declared.

  Why thank you for that reassuring note, Father. Penelope drew a deep breath and fell silent once more. Her gaze dropped to the table at first, as she wondered how long it would take before they reached Queenstown today and how many people would be boarding.

  But she’d need to ask about that in order to get an answer, and considering how awkward the little conversation she’d had with her parents had been, she’d rather not. So she lifted her gaze and started to survey the dining room instead. There were several long rows of tables, causing people to mingle as they ate. Many were at different stages of their breakfast—some finishing up and readying to leave, others just being seated in their mahogany chairs, which swivelled to allow access since they were bolted to the floor. Her gaze briefly landed on the piano, a small upright one, by which a man sat playing “The Merry Widow.”