The Breath Between Waves

by Charlotte Anne Hamilton

  By the time she had finished speaking, the smile had fallen off Ruby’s face and she had removed herself from Penelope’s arm, taking several steps backwards. She looked more upset than angry.

  “Ruby—” Penelope tried.

  “I thought we were supposed to be having fun?” Ruby shook her head slowly before she turned and left the room, the door clicking softly behind her.

  Chapter Thirteen

  It took Penelope only a second to move towards the door, pulling it open with more force than necessary. Her heart raced in her chest as she scanned the corridor.

  Instead of Ruby, she found several other people strolling aimlessly. No one looked, or even glanced her way as they meandered past.

  Her gaze darted back and forth as she tried desperately to work out which way Ruby would have gone. Her heart thudded out a rapid rhythm as she stepped over the threshold, closing the door behind her.

  Her feet were moving before her mind had caught up to her. She only realised that it was in the direction of her parents’ room when their door opened and both her mother and father stepped outside.

  Penelope froze, staring at them as she hoped and prayed that they wouldn’t turn to face her. However, her luck had never been good, and so, after linking arms, that was exactly the direction that her parents turned in.

  For a brief moment, they didn’t notice their daughter standing there like a startled deer, and it gave Penelope a chance to study them. She almost couldn’t believe that the man and woman in front of her were, in fact, her parents.

  Their eyes were locked as they talked softly to themselves, and they had gentle, almost loving smiles on their faces. It made Penelope wonder if all they had ever needed was some time without her to remind them of how their lives had changed.

  Or maybe it was that they were stuck aboard a ship where they knew no one else and so they were finally able to talk and rediscover each other. It was better than thinking that her parents would do better without her around.

  Her parents glanced away from each other, then spotted Penelope standing in the middle of the hall. Their smiles remained in place as they drew to a halt in front of her.

  “Are you feeling better, dear?” Her mother asked. She pressed her free hand against Penelope’s forehead. The leather of her gloves was so soft and cool, and as her mother moved her hand from Penelope’s forehead to cup her cheek, Penelope couldn’t stop herself from leaning heavily in, desperately craving the soft touch.

  “I am.” It felt like a lie, even though she did feel better. Her heart was still racing from the altercation with Ruby, and whilst she wanted nothing more than to continue her search, she also knew that the damn ship was too large for her to find Ruby now. She could be anywhere.

  “We were just going for a walk along the promenade on the Bridge Deck,” her father announced, sending his wife a teasing smile as he added, “Your mother is rather adamant about trying to spot a whale.”

  Penelope stared, trying to wrap her head around this change in her parents. She’d never seen them so affectionate. She cleared her throat when she noticed that they expected her to say something. “A whale? Wouldn’t Titanic’s size scare them off? And the sound of her engines?”

  “Rightly so!” Her father turned back to his wife and added, “Really, dear, whales are intelligent creatures. They are going to avoid the forty-six-thousand-ton lump of metal slicing through the water.”

  Penelope’s mother’s lower lip jutted out in a small pout, which made Penelope swallow thickly. Her mind immediately replayed her earlier conversation with Ruby. And, judging by the way her father’s eyes softened and he reached up to stroke the backs of his fingers down his wife’s cheek, he also found the action adorable.

  “Well, even if that is the case, I am still adamant about trying. You get rather foolish people, perhaps you get rather foolish whales as well.” Her eyes met Penelope’s and her pout retreated into a smile. “Would you care to join us? Or do you have other plans? I know you’ve become close with your roommate… We spoke to her earlier. She seems rather nice.”

  Penelope cleared her throat and gave a jerky nod of her head. “Yes. Yes, she is.” Her eyes darted over her mother’s shoulder, hoping that Ruby would miraculously appear there. She had to hide her disappointment when she was greeted with strangers. “Shall we head up to the promenade? We don’t want to miss these whales.”

  Her mother frowned at her for only a moment before her father gave a low laugh, diverting her attention. Penelope stepped aside, allowing her parents to overtake her. It was only then that the full import of her mother’s words dawned on her, and her steps faltered just a little. Her parents never liked her friends. They normally considered them too bad an influence on Penelope, or unworthy of her time. And yet they had deemed Ruby to be “rather nice,” which was probably the highest praise her parents could give.

  Penelope allowed herself one last glance over her shoulder, almost willing Ruby to appear. It made her wonder if her parents had known things about her old friends back in Scotland, or if they were just willing to say nice things since Ruby was only a temporary companion.

  Penelope heaved a sigh as she realised that Ruby wasn’t going to appear. She had no idea what had gotten into the other girl, why everything seemed to be getting her so wound up, but she wanted to know and help her figure it out.

  And she couldn’t do that if she didn’t talk to her.

  Folding her arms around her midriff, she followed her parents from E Deck to the promenade on the Bridge Deck.

  She and her parents stayed out on the deck right up until dinner, eagerly looking for whales and other sea creatures. They had lost track of time so much that they didn’t even bother changing or freshening up.

  They went straight from the promenade to the dining room, and Penelope’s heart dropped to her stomach when she found Ruby dining with her sister and brother-in-law.

  Their eyes locked, but before Penelope could smile at her, Ruby looked away.

  And didn’t look back again.

  She left before Penelope, and then Penelope’s parents mentioned continuing their whale-spotting adventure. Penelope happily joined them, since she knew she wouldn’t find Ruby anytime soon.

  After the fifth involuntary convulsion that her body gave in a desperate attempt to warm herself up, her father tutted and turned to her. “Darling, why don’t you skedaddle down to your room before you catch your death?” He shook his head. “I still don’t know why you didn’t go back for your coat. You know it gets chilly in the evenings.”

  Penelope had a perfectly valid reason. She hadn’t wanted to run the risk of meeting Ruby—not after seeing her dismissive look in the dining room. The courage and determination she had felt earlier had left with that fleeting glance.

  But all of that wasn’t exactly something she could admit to her father, so she merely forced a smile. “Very well. But I will not be happy if I leave and a whale appears.”

  Her father laughed softly and pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead. The touch made Penelope frown as she pulled away.

  She couldn’t remember the last time her father had kissed her forehead like that.

  “I—” she started, almost ready to just blurt out and ask what had changed before thinking better of it. It wasn’t as though it was a bad change, so she wasn’t going to say something and risk her parents going back to how they had been before.

  “Goodbye,” she said instead, then turned and left.

  She walked to the stairwell, but before she crossed the threshold, she stopped and turned back to see what her parents were doing. She wanted to know if it was some elaborate show they were putting on, whether they had finally noticed how their relationship had warned Penelope off marriage and so were trying to pretend to be happy in order to inspire her.

  As if such an act would wipe away the years of sitting in the same r
oom and never saying a word, creating an atmosphere so tense Penelope always felt as if she were suffocating.

  But her parents still stood talking animatedly arm in arm, so it obviously wasn’t just for Penelope’s benefit.

  She suddenly realised that she had been so busy fighting this move that she hadn’t considered that perhaps it was best for her parents. That maybe this change was causing them to re-evaluate where they stood and to talk openly—to remember why they had fallen in love and gotten married.

  With a soft smile on her lips, Penelope headed towards her room.

  With every step she took, her heart leapt further and further into her throat. And when her door was finally visible, she felt as if it were going to burst from her mouth and choke her. Her hand trembled as she reached for the handle, and she had to take a deep breath before she pushed the door open.

  The second she stepped through the doorway, her heart plummeted to the pit of her stomach.

  The room was empty.

  Judging by the clothes neatly folded over one of the chairs, Ruby had returned and then had left again. Whether she had decided to attend the party alone or if she had retreated to her sister’s room for some privacy, Penelope couldn’t say.

  With a huff, Penelope started to undress, finally slipping into her nightgown and crawling into the bottom bunk.

  She tried to ignore how big the bed seemed without Ruby’s body pressed up against her, but she couldn’t settle.

  Everything just seemed wrong.

  She was too hot with the covers over her, but too cold when she pushed them off. She tried lying on her back, side, and stomach, to no avail. Every position just brought its own discomfort.

  It felt as though it took an eternity for every minute to crawl by.

  When she heard the click of the door, her breath lodged in her throat.

  Her eyes closed—feigning sleep was the better choice when the alternative was confronting Ruby when they were both tired.

  “Penelope?” Ruby whispered as the door shut behind her.

  Penelope remained on her side, facing away from the door, eyes shut. Her hands were tucked under her pillow, and she allowed herself to rub her fingertips along the mattress, the gentle motion enough to ground her.

  Ruby sighed and, as the sound of fabric rustling filled the silence, Penelope assumed she was getting changed. Then she felt the bunk shake as Ruby hauled herself from the ground up the ladders to the top.

  Another sigh filled the room.

  “The party was even busier tonight,” Ruby said as she finally fell still. “I think word is starting to spread. I can’t imagine what it will be like on the night before we dock.” She huffed out a small laugh. “The musicians changed a little, but they were still good. At one point, everyone was showing off their special talents. This one man was juggling with knives! And do you remember Betsy? Albert’s girl? She can bend in ways I never thought possible!”

  Ruby fell silent for a moment, the seconds stretching on so that Penelope wondered if she had fallen asleep. She gnawed on her lower lip to stop herself from asking Ruby to continue and instead focused on the back and forth of her finger on the mattress.

  “And all throughout it,” Ruby finally continued after she took a deep inhale, “I kept turning my head to the side, wanting to see your reaction.”

  The mattress above Penelope moved as Ruby adjusted her position once more.

  “My father is dying. Cancer. And his last wish is to walk me down the aisle. Because he’s already done it with Victoria. He wants me safe and secure before he dies. And it terrifies me—the thought of losing my father and the idea of marriage to a man. So I vowed to have fun on this voyage because it would be the last time I’d get it. Because a world without my father in it would be so empty for me.

  “I never expected to meet someone like you, though. Nor to feel what I do. And so I just wanted to build some more memories—not just fun ones, but meaningful ones. Which is why I wanted to attend that blasted party every night until we reached New York. But it wasn’t until I got there that I realised that spending time with you would be more fun, even if we just sat in this room and cuddled.” Ruby let out a long sigh as she shuffled once again. “Goodnight, Penelope.”

  Penelope’s heart had returned to her throat. Her tears trailed cold, wet lines over her nose and down her cheek onto the pillow. Her hand no longer stroked the mattress but fisted into the pillow, clutching at it as though it were a lifeline.

  Her lungs ached as she tried to stay quiet and keep her breathing even.

  The tears on her face were uncomfortable, yet she didn’t move to wipe them away. She knew that, if she moved even an inch, she would leave her bed and climb up to Ruby’s. And she couldn’t do that. Not now.

  So she remained wound up tight, her jaw clenched, her lungs aching, and her fist clutching her pillow until her body couldn’t take it anymore and she allowed sleep to claim her.

  Chapter Fourteen

  14th April 1912

  Penelope stared out at the ocean, amazed at how clear it was.

  Only the odd lump of ice floated by. It felt surreal as she stood by the back of the ship and watched the propeller cut through the waves at an incredible speed.

  Especially when she didn’t really feel as if the ship was moving that fast.

  She closed her eyes and smiled, feeling the wind caress her face as if it were a lover. She had only known two in her life, and the gentleness of this touch reminded her more of Ruby than of Caroline.

  Ruby with her easy smile and easier attitude, who seemed to take everything in her stride.

  Who, even though she had lost her mother and was losing her father, hadn’t once seemed in pain. Being in her presence was like a breath of fresh air after being held underwater for so long.

  Penelope had never quite been that carefree, but she had been able to feel before. And it hadn’t been until she’d met Ruby that she’d realised how long she had gone without doing so.

  Penelope drew her shoulders back and pushed away from the railing.

  She walked past the few couples who had risen as early as she, though most of the people she did pass were members of the crew—stewards and sailors.

  When she made it back to their room, Ruby was still asleep, her long, blonde hair in disarray, casting a golden halo around her head. She had bundled the pillow up underneath her cheek, and had both arms wrapped tightly around it.

  Penelope gnawed on her lower lip as she reached up and brushed away a strand of hair that had fallen over Ruby’s face. The contact was enough to make Ruby twitch, and she rubbed her head into the pillow with a groan.

  She hated waking her, but it was getting close to breakfast-time, and she didn’t want Ruby getting into trouble with her family.

  “Ruby?” Penelope called softly, brushing at another strand of hair and tucking it behind her ear. Ruby’s blonde brows furrowed as she stirred, her legs shuffling under the covers and her arms tightening their hold around the pillow. “Ruby.”

  Her lips spread into a sleepy smile as she stared at Penelope with half-lidded eyes. “Morning,” she whispered. “I’m surprised you’re talking to me after I stormed away like a child last night.”

  Penelope chuckled. “I wasn’t much better myself.” Her fingers wound through Ruby’s hair, gently rubbing circles on her scalp. “Alas, we don’t have much time to talk about this. Breakfast won’t be long, and then there’s the church service afterwards.” Ruby’s nose wrinkled, causing Penelope to laugh. “Not a fan of church?”

  “Not a fan of the preachers of church. I’ve read the Bible, and nowhere does it say half the things they claim it does.” She moved a little so that her chin was propped on her hands. “Are you a fan of church?”

  “Not at all. I have my faith in God, but I don’t believe half the things in the Bible.” Penelope rolled her ey
es. “Nor the way that they constantly bicker amongst themselves, trying to decide which interpretation of a book is more correct.”

  Penelope pulled away after a final brush over Ruby’s cheeks, but Ruby’s hand grabbed hers, stopping her in her tracks. She entwined their fingers, and Penelope felt her heart throb.

  “But… We will talk?” Ruby’s voice sounded so small that Penelope felt her chest constrict in response.

  Penelope leaned forwards until her chin was resting on their hands and her face was only an inch away from Ruby’s. “As soon as church is over, we will come back here and talk.”

  She couldn’t stop herself from pressing her lips to Ruby’s in a soft, gentle kiss. Ruby was like a magnet, and she was too weak to try and fight it.

  Once Ruby was dressed in a simple blouse with a cotton lace cardigan and a tan A-line skirt, she started to brush her hair. Penelope stood aside and watched for a moment as Ruby winced with every comb of the bristles through the knotted strands. Then she stepped up behind Ruby and gently pulled the brush from her hand.

  Ruby stared back at her through the small mirror, eyes wide as Penelope parted her hair down the centre.

  Starting at the bottom, Penelope started to untangle the mess Ruby’s hair had gotten into from sleeping with it down and unbraided. It was soft to the touch, like silk, and Penelope adored combing her fingers through it as she worked.

  Ruby grabbed Penelope’s hand, stopping it from reaching for a pin to fix a curl in place.

  She opened her mouth, but Penelope felt something rise in her chest, and she blurted out, “I heard what you said last night.”

  Ruby’s hand tensed over Penelope’s, and Penelope clasped her other one tightly over Ruby’s. She gave it a tight squeeze, hoping to God that she was being reassuring.

  She licked her lips and pressed on. “And I just want to say I’m sorry. I’ve been thinking about the things you said, and I realised that I let my former lover, Caroline, take away parts of me. And one of those is trusting in happiness. She’s had me believing that I couldn’t trust happiness, that it would always go wrong, and so I learnt to push it away before that could happen.”