The Breath Between Waves

by Charlotte Anne Hamilton

  She didn’t look much different from the way she had ten years ago; she still had the plumpest lips, the brightest of eyes, and the prettiest of faces… Of course, they were adorned with a few faint lines, but those were memories—reminders that they were alive.

  “Was being the key word there, my dear, since we made it come true.” Penelope turned her gaze back towards the fire and gave Ruby’s hand a solid squeeze. “It is no longer a dream but a reality.”

  It hadn’t been a simple process, not just because of the trauma, but because of Ruby’s family, who’d tried to put up a fight against their leaving. But after having lost so much, both Penelope and Ruby had realised that life was too short not to live it the way they wished.

  So they had stayed in New York long enough for the inquest, and then had returned to Scotland and lived with Penelope’s grandmother until the compensation money had allowed them to buy a cottage of their own.

  And they’d been there ever since.

  The softest, most fleeting of sighs escaped Ruby’s lips—so quiet Penelope was certain she wasn’t meant to have heard it, and so she said nothing, watching as the flames continued to dance.

  She wiggled her toes, pleased that she was able to do so. She took care not to look at them—it was still too painful to see the reminders on her body. Especially after the nightmares. She tried so hard to pretend that she was all right, and that wasn’t so easy when she looked down and saw the gap instead of the three toes she’d lost due to her time in the water.

  Kaidan shuffled and she lowered her hand to stroke through his fur. He was always good at knowing when her thoughts led her down dark paths. He had been Ruby’s idea—somehow, she had known that having his companionship would help both of them.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” Ruby eventually asked, pulling one hand free from Penelope’s so that she could brush it through the strands of hair that had fallen loose from her braid. She gently pushed them back behind her ear, then wound her arm around Penelope’s chest. “In all these years, you never have…not to me. I know you have talked to Victoria. Not that I blame you if you don’t want to tell me…” She stopped talking when Penelope gave her hands another gentle squeeze.

  The nightmares had started not long after they had been rescued, and they had continued to haunt her throughout the years. Sometimes she was lucky, and months passed without one. Other times, it was continuous, every night ending the same way.

  And when it came close to the anniversary…there was never any stopping them.

  Yet, despite it all, she had suffered in silence, never wanting to worry Ruby with dreams.

  She had lived it as well—what had Penelope seen that Ruby hadn’t? The fact that Ruby didn’t have nightmares didn’t mean she felt it any less.

  Penelope sighed and let her head fall back against Ruby’s shoulder. She felt her shuffle a little, and her legs ended up framing Penelope’s hips. She had never felt as safe as she did then.

  It was at that moment she realised that Ruby wore her navy embroidered shawl. It had fallen from her shoulders and pooled in the crooks of her arms, allowing Penelope to reach out and trace the delicate floral embroidery that she herself had done. It had taken a long time and a lot of secret conversations with Victoria in order to recreate it, but she had managed to do so to the best of her ability.

  Perhaps it wasn’t the same as the shawl that Ruby had lost ten years ago, and nothing would ever replace the memories that had come with that one, but Penelope had wanted to give Ruby something that would remind her of her family, something that wasn’t tainted by so much darkness.

  And judging from the way her lover never seemed to take the shawl off, it had worked rather well.

  With a sigh, Penelope started to speak. “I only spoke to Victoria because she asked. And after everything, it didn’t seem right to deny her that.” Penelope took a deep breath as her eyes flickered towards the ceiling, illuminated only by the orange of the fire. She almost wanted to close her eyes, but she was worried that would make the memories too vivid. “The nightmares are always the same. I’m on the deck and Titanic is sinking, the funnels are falling, and I’m holding on to the railing, but I’m not strong enough and so I fall into the water. And everything is cold and dark. I hear everyone screaming until they can’t anymore.”

  Ruby began to rub soothing circles on the backs of her hands with her thumbs. Penelope focused on that sensation, watching the movement, as well as on the softness of Kaidan’s fur against her leg.

  “I see people swimming towards a lifeboat that hasn’t been properly launched, and they pull me aboard. We all sit, shivering, praying, sobbing…hoping that all those other lifeboats will come and pull the rest from the water, since there’s no more space in our boat for them. But no one comes.” Penelope saw Ruby frown from the corner of her eye.

  Ruby raised her head and turned towards Penelope, pressing a soft kiss to her cheek. “But they did come. I’m holding you in my arms, my love, so someone definitely picked you up.”

  Giving a soft shrug of her shoulder, Penelope huffed. “I can’t explain it. It always gets twisted at the end. We watch as Carpathia arrives, as she starts to pull everyone else to safety, but they don’t seem to know we’re here. The men start to row, paddling with their hands, desperate to get to the ship. But I can’t move…still too cold, too frozen, too sore, too numb. And they notice this and tell me that, if I’m not helping, there’s no point in keeping me. And so they throw me overboard.

  “I’m back in the water. Surrounded by so many dead bodies, all of them floating thanks to their lifebelts. I see my mother and father. I try to swim after the boat, but it’s going too fast and I’m still too tired. And then I feel something grabbing at me—and I turn, and it’s Mr. Wright, do you remember him? He was the one who invited us to the party. I met him in the water, asking after his fiancée… He died in my arms. It’s always him who grabs my ankle, just like he did that night, and he pulls me under, down, down, telling me about this great party on Titanic…” Drawing a shuddering breath in, Penelope reached up and swiped at the tears that had spilled over. Ruby’s hold around her tightened almost painfully, but it was a pain she relished.

  It was a pain that reminded her that it was just a dream, that she had made it away from the wreck alive, and that she still had plenty left to live for.

  Kaidan whined and licked her fingers.

  “My love…” Ruby sighed, one hand rising to start smoothing her hair.

  “That’s always when I wake up. And I’m always so cold, as if I’m back in the ocean and nothing will ever warm me up.”

  Ruby’s lips quirked up at the corners in that grin that Penelope loved so much. “I suppose that explains why I always find you at the fire, burning through all our coal as if our money is limitless.”

  A laugh was startled from Penelope’s lips, easing just a little bit of the tension that the nightmare had caused her. She noticed that the fire was starting to dwindle, so she grabbed the poker, reaching through the gaps in the grating to stoke it.

  Between their combined compensation from White Star, and the inheritance Granny had left Penelope, the two of them had been able to live rather comfortably. Whenever they needed a little extra, Penelope would create needlework to sell, and Ruby would sell jams and cakes at the weekly market.

  Ruby pressed a kiss to Penelope’s bare shoulder, uncovered due to the thin straps of her nightgown and the fallen sleeve of her dressing gown. It was the thicker one that she normally kept tucked away for the cooler winter months, but she had dug it out to help ease the feeling that she was back in those icy waters.

  “It still haunts me too,” Ruby whispered after a minute had passed, her lips still pressed against Penelope’s skin. “Every little sound I hear, I fear that it’s something going terribly wrong and we just don’t know. And my nightmares…”

  Penelope’s hea
d shot up, her brows raised in surprise. “You never told me you got nightmares.”

  The light from the fire danced over Ruby’s soft face, casting shadows that made it look more sunken. She sighed and lifted her head. “They’re not like yours. You know I didn’t go through the sinking like that. You made sure that I didn’t.” Ruby’s eyes narrowed a little. “That’s what my dream is. I see you shove me away, and I’m held down in the boat, prevented from climbing back out to you, and I wait, in that tiny dinghy, wondering what’s become of you. And when Carpathia arrives, you’re not aboard. No one saw you, or even knew who you were… It was like I had conjured you up from thin air. And I always wake up just as I’m screaming for you, begging for you, before you get to answer me…” A sob lodged in Ruby’s throat.

  Penelope turned in Ruby’s embrace so that she was on her knees in front of her lover, her wife, and she reached up with hands that still felt too cold to cup her face.

  Tears trailed down over Ruby’s soft cheeks in a steady stream, and Penelope brushed them away, first with her fingers, then with her lips.

  Ruby launched herself into Penelope’s arms, her grip like iron, bundling the fabric of Penelope’s dressing gown in her fists to haul her closer and closer. Her tears continued to fall against Penelope’s skin, causing chills that Penelope shoved away, focusing only on the woman in her arms.

  Her fingers entangled in Ruby’s blonde hair, letting the texture of the strands ground her as she rubbed them between her fingertips.

  “I knew there was a chance I wouldn’t find my parents in time, that there wouldn’t be a lifeboat waiting for me, and I refused to let you go down with me…” Penelope felt her own tears begin to fall and dried them in Ruby’s soft curls. “But that doesn’t make it right…pushing you away as I did…” Penelope lifted her head and moved her hands to Ruby’s shoulders to gently coax her away.

  Once again, she dried Ruby’s tears with her fingers and then cupped her face. Her heart ached as she stared at her, wondering how something so good and pure could have come out of something so awful.

  Their feelings had been so young, so fleeting, back when they met on Titanic, so brief that Penelope had felt certain they would be forgotten the second they docked in New York…and yet the wreck had ensured that they were bonded in a way that they couldn’t break. And between Ruby’s extended family thinking they knew best and society’s demands on them to be married off to men, to suffer in silence, that bond had been tested and strengthened tenfold.

  “I came back though, didn’t I?” Penelope said. Ruby nodded at her question. “I will always come back to you, my love. As long as such a decision is in my power—and even if it isn’t, I’ll try my hardest to outmanoeuvre God Himself.”

  Her words brought a smile to Ruby’s lips. She looked at her for a moment more before surging forwards and sealing her lips over Penelope’s. Penelope gasped in surprise, and Ruby slid her tongue into her mouth as her fingers curled further around Penelope’s dressing gown.

  Penelope returned the kiss, eagerly pawing at Ruby’s head, her fingers combing through the long strands of hair and tugging her closer.

  They were both breathless when they parted. Penelope felt like she was on fire, every inch of her burning from the passion that Ruby ignited in her. She sometimes wondered why she ever bothered slipping from bed to come to the fire whenever she had had a nightmare—Ruby had the ability to send her blood pumping with the merest of looks.

  “Come back to bed,” Ruby whispered, resting her forehead against Penelope’s, whose eyes drifted shut. “And know that I’m always going to be here for you—I’m never going to turn you away after your dreams have tried to claw at you.”

  With a gentle nod, Ruby stood and aided Penelope into a standing position. And then, hand in hand, with Kaidan leading the way, they moved from the fireplace back to the comfort of their bed.

  Acknowledgments

  This is another book where the first acknowledgment needs to be for my wonderful editor, Jen. Mostly because this book wouldn’t exist if it hadn’t been for them bursting into my messages with the simple request of “u + gay romance set on the titanic”. From that one message, we got here. And I can’t wait for more.

  To my family: Mum & Dad, Gran & Papa, Greg & Jenna, Jack & Tammy. I know you’ll never read this, but it still wouldn’t be possible without your support, so at the very least, you get to open the book, flip to the end, and say “Hey, that’s me”. And because I can’t forget the pets even though the only thing they think books are for is to chew, I love you: Smudge, Izzy, Clyde, Ollie, and Rico.

  My niblings: Emily, Jack, and Rosie. You’re my everything. One day you’ll get to look at this page and know just how much I owe to your existence. But for now, I’ll keep telling you I love you every chance I get.

  For my best friend, my rock, my person, my platonic soulmate, Tiana. Stumbling upon your fanfic and leaving a review for it was quite possibly the best thing I ever did. I miss you, I adore you, and I wish nothing but the best for you.

  Kristina and Amber. I never thought I would meet two people who I would understand and know so well. Especially at a crappy college writing course. Here’s to all those night outs, and the many more to come (when we’re able and not suffering from all the work we do).

  To all the friends I’ve made through the book community, know that I adore you and I wouldn’t have made it this far without your support.

  And to you, the very person who made it all the way to the end of the book to read these acknowledgments. I am so happy you picked up my book and chose to support me. I hope you enjoyed Penelope and Ruby’s story—thank you for taking a chance on me and my little sapphic heart.

  About the Author

  Charlotte Anne Hamilton is a blue-haired mermaid-wannabe who lives in Ayrshire, Scotland with her two fur-children, Izzy (chocolate lab) and Smudge (queen cat). She is currently studying Astronomy and Planetary Science and in her spare time she enjoys reading and gaming, as well as dabbling in all forms of art and her craft as an eclectic witch. Her main source of inspiration in writing and in life is the popular phrase: “but make it gay”.

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  rlotte Anne Hamilton, The Breath Between Waves