My Mother in Law's Lover

by S M Mala

  God, this is so bloody typical. I get caught sleep talking with Joan’s fancy man. ‘It must have been a nightmare.’

  ‘No it was definitely ‘Josh’.’ He’s really grinning now. ‘Is he someone you know?’

  ‘No.’ I wondered if I drooled when it happened.

  ‘The married man?’

  ‘Definitely not.’

  Suddenly my heart sinks.

  I should be with Josh now.

  My life is an utter mess.

  ‘What are you doing tonight?’ Hal asks slightly startling me.

  ‘Having dinner with Beth, listening to her moan, a bit like her nana and then off to bed.’

  ‘Would you like to come for a drink with me?’ he gently asks.

  ‘Why?’

  ‘I’m actually enjoying your company.’

  ‘I’m pretty boring, as my daughter has pointed out.’

  ‘I don’t think so,’ Hal says.

  ‘You’ve been nice to me,’ I say apologetically. ‘I’m not used to good looking men wanting to spend time with me. They usually leave.’ As soon as I say he sits up and looks interested.

  ‘How comes?’

  ‘They die or they go off with someone else,’ I say, as he raises his eyebrows.

  ‘You’re sick of being let down?’

  ‘I’m sick of feeling like shit,’ I honestly reply and force a smile.

  ‘In the end of the day Belle, you are in control of your own destiny.’

  ‘Which means what?’ I laugh realising he’s going to come out with some San Fran hippy shit.

  ‘You have to live your life to your own rules, no one else’s.’

  ‘Believe me I have bent all the rules in the past few weeks and I’ve got no joy from it,’ I sigh then bite my bottom lip.

  ‘You need to have fun,’ he says walking to the steering wheel. ‘Uncomplicated fun.’

  ‘No such thing. Everything comes with a price,’ I announce.

  ‘Not always. You need to liberate yourself,’ he smiles and starts the boat.

  It’s alright for someone like him to have that motto to life but not me. I can’t get away with having fun because something always goes wrong. The only liberating thing I do is go to the corner shop without my bra on. Then I suspect they think I’ve shop lifted bread rolls as my boobs hang down to my waist.

  ‘We’ll be back soon,’ he says. ‘Do you want to steer?’

  ‘Do you want to get back in once piece?’ I laugh pulling one of my ‘don’t be stupid faces’.

  ‘There’s more drink in the kitchen, help yourself.’

  Half an hour later, after carefully studying him for my dirty dreams, I stand by his side. I’m happy, due to three bottles of beer.

  ‘I’m sorry if I ruined your morning.’ I look at him and I can’t see what’s going on behind the glasses. ‘It was really kind of you to take me out.’

  ‘I’m sorry if you’re not enjoying yourself,’ he replies.

  ‘With a beer in my hand everything’s fine. I’m just feeling sorry for myself.’

  ‘Really?’ Hal pushes up his glasses and stares down at me. Suddenly he grabs my shoulders and kisses me, sticking his tongue in my mouth.

  I’m in shock.

  ‘What are you doing?’ I say pushing him away, feeling my head spin. ‘I don’t think my liberation should start here and not with you!’

  ‘You’re cute,’ he says, slowly stretching his arms out and smiling to himself.

  ‘I don’t sleep around,’ I say trying not to show that I’ve told a big fib. Shit, is that what he has heard about me? ‘And you shouldn’t slip your tongue in!’

  ‘What’s your hang up? Not into sex?’ he asks pulling back down his sunglasses.

  ‘Since my husband died, I’ve been virtually a virgin!’

  ‘What do you mean ‘virtually’?’ He’s starting to laugh. ‘I only kissed you. This doesn’t mean we’re going to get married. I could screw you on the deck and no one would know.’

  ‘You what?’ My face is burning and so are the tops of my arms. I thought he was being nice but he’s taking the piss!

  I reckon Joan put him up to this. He certainly wouldn’t do this out of his own will.

  ‘Sex? Do you like sex?’ he says, moving closer as I step back then he grabs my head and kisses me, slipping his tongue fully in, while his hand gently squeezes my tit. I feel a twitch between my legs. I put this down to the beer.

  No, this isn’t right.

  I push him away.

  ‘Leave me alone,’ I say. ‘Stuff like this just gets me into trouble?’ I can see his willy is saluting me through his shorts. My expression says disgust but my loins say lust.

  ‘I promise not to touch you again,’ he says confidently. ‘If that’s what you want.’

  Why am I disappointed to hear that?

  He’s going to tell Joan I started it and then I’m going to be dead for messing with her love god.

  Shit!

  We get back to land and he jumps off to talk to some man at the side. I slowly walk off but my balance is off kilter. He grabs my hand and yanks me back to shore. I stumble off.

  ‘I’ve got a taxi to take you back to the hotel. Bye.’ He quickly says.

  ‘Sure.’ I feel like an unwanted refugee. ‘Thank you for-.’

  What? Snog? Tit touching? Before I can say anything, Hal has sprinted off.

  It’s past one o’clock and I run to my room, get showered and changed. I saw Maggie and Beth when I came in, so I’m heading towards them.

  Still reeling from my self inflicted humiliation, I want to drown my sorrows in copious amounts of wine. One more night and then we’re back home to reality. I’m slightly dreading it.

  ‘Belle!’ It’s Joan. I turn and she’s sitting on the terrace, all relaxed and gorgeous. I’m trying not to panic.

  ‘Hi there!’ I say with as much gusto as I can muster, looking about as breezy as small draught through a door.

  ‘Where’ve you been?’ she asks. Now what to do? Tell her the truth or lie?

  ‘I went out on a boat trip with-.’

  ‘You look like you’ve caught the wind.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Your face looks a little bit… sore. Are you sunburnt? I didn’t think you would,’ she says, smirking to herself.

  ‘Why wouldn’t I? I can get darker you know.’

  ‘You look like an over cooked sausage. Any darker and they’ll think you’re a pigmy.’

  ‘Why’s that?’ I know what’s coming up next.

  ‘Short, black and wild.’

  ‘Oh, shut up you bigoted cow! Go and top up your sun damage,’ I say. She really is a backward bitch and what makes it worse, she knows better than that, except when it comes to me.

  ‘Sense of humour failure, my sweet?’

  ‘I was with Hal,’ I blurt out and wait to see what she’s going to do. She sips her drink and settles into her chair.

  ‘I know. He mentioned it last night. Did you have a nice time?’ Well, this isn’t the desired effect I wanted.

  ‘Yeah, it was fine. We went swimming.’ Now she’s laughing. ‘What’s funny?’

  ‘He must have died of shock when he saw you in a costume. Poor thing is probably relieved you didn’t sink the boat.’ Oh, how I hate her. Why doesn’t she give it a rest?

  ‘I’m going.’ I walk off towards normality but I’m sweating a bit because I do look like a baby Buddha compared to the stick insect. Then I stop and walk back.

  ‘What?’ she says scrunching up her face.

  ‘Why have you suddenly let your secret shag become public?’ I ask looking at her.

  ‘It’s never been a secret,’ she sniffs and carries on reading.

  ‘How comes I’ve never met him before?’

  ‘I was ashamed to say I was related to you, okay?’ Joan sighs and looks at me up and down.

  ‘But you’re not now?’

  ‘Of course I am.’ She bares her fangs. ’It’s a cross I
have to bare.’

  That woman has a way of making me unworthy of existence.

  ‘Maggie, I’m sorry, I should have been back ages ago,’ I say a few moments later while I hug and kiss Beth who, in return, pushes me away. ‘Do you want to go and do your own thing?’

  ‘I went jumping in the waves,’ Beth says now trying to take me to the sea.

  ‘Oh I’ve had enough of the sea today,’ I reply letting out a big sigh at the same time as letting out my tummy.

  ‘How was your trip?’ she happily asks then stops to look at me. ‘Were you good?’

  ‘I was very well behaved,’ I reply before glancing at Maggie who looks slightly more disbelieving.

  ‘I thought so,’ Beth sweetly replies. ‘Because if you were silly then he’ll tell nana and she’d be angry.’

  ‘I was perfect,’ I reply standing up straight.

  ‘Okay,’ she says swaying from side to side. ‘Then that’s alright then.’

  ‘Beth see there’s your friend Rebecca, go and say hello,’ Maggie says pushing her along.

  ‘Oh yes. I’ll be back. Bye Belle!’ she says.

  ‘Beth!’

  ‘Mama,’ she corrects then runs off.

  ‘Did you enjoy your morning?’ Maggie asks eyeing me up and down. ‘And did you just lie to your child?’

  ‘I was bloody well behaved but he was … he’s a strange man, don’t you think?’

  ‘He’s a wonderful man just,’ Maggie is searching for words. ‘Open minded.’

  ‘Open minded? He practically tried to snog me,’ I say full of indignation. ‘What does he take me for?’

  ‘If he takes you then that’ll certainly put a smile on your face,’ she laughs and pats my hand.

  ‘I don’t know why I bothered to go with him, to be honest. I made such a tit of myself.’ I flush and Maggie smiles.

  ‘He’s a nice man,’ she continues.

  ‘He thinks I’m a twit.’ What I really want to say is ‘an easy tit’.

  ‘Did he mention Joan?’

  ‘He told me it was none of my business.’

  ‘That sounds like him,’ she says laughing.

  ‘And he bolted off as soon as we got back though he did ask me to meet him for a drink tonight. Bloody cheek!’

  ‘Let Beth stay with me then you can meet up,’ Maggie says. ‘You’re in need of a good night out and it is the last one.’

  ‘With him? Anyway he’s Joan’s man and I couldn’t face her wrath if I get my mucky paws on him.’

  ‘Thinking about it are you?’

  ‘No!’

  Seven

  I head off to bed at 9.30pm, looking at the loved up couples and feeling a massive surge of jealousy again. I sleep easily, thanks to the bottle of rose wine I consumed over dinner. The phone rings.

  ‘Hello?’ I say.

  ‘Are you sleeping?’ I recognise the voice. It’s Hal. I look at the clock and it’s ten thirty. I gulp hard and my heart is beating fast.

  ‘How are you? I’m so sorry about today, I’m not usually-.’ I sit up wondering what this phone call is about.

  ‘Up tight?’ he laughs. ‘Do you want to meet for a nightcap?’

  I don’t say anything for a moment. I wonder where he is?

  ‘I’ll take your lack of response as a ‘yes’. Walk through the terrace to the beach and see what you find,’ says Hal, then he hangs up before I can say no.

  This feels quite weird but I’m excited. There are a few people scattered around as I get to the end of the terrace and walk onto the beach.

  There’s no sign of him.

  I can see the moon’s reflection in the sea. This would be romantic but when you’ve got a boat going across the view and you can hear screaming south London voices, it sort of spoils the atmosphere.

  ‘Hello.’ It’s Hal. He’s all in black and looks mighty fine. I have sweaty palms.

  ‘Hi,’ I say.

  ‘Follow me madam.’ I walk behind him as he leads the way to his place. He doesn’t turn around or say anything then stops.

  ‘Why are you walking behind me?’ he asks.

  ‘I’m just following.’

  He grabs my arm and pulls me so I walk beside him. This feels rather odd. I look around to see whose watching.

  ‘If I didn’t know any better, Belle, I’d say you were scared to be spotted with me.’ He has a point there. Where’s hawk eye? She has got to be about, somewhere.

  ‘I don’t want to get a kicking from Joan, that’s all,’ I nervously say. He laughs.

  We get to where we went the first night for dinner and I trip up over the step.

  ‘Very graceful! You made the ground shake,’ he laughs.

  ‘Good, I like a bit of … what’s the word for shaky ground?’ A bit like what I’m on, come to think of it because I’m with Hal. ‘I know! Earth quake.’

  ‘You write for a living? You have a wide grasp of the English language,’ he sarcastically says.

  ‘Look honey, chop, whisk, beat and steam are very important words in the land of food,’ I say, thinking I’m being clever.

  ‘Sounds like something you do in the sack,’ he mumbles. I gulp for a second. ‘Are you coming in?’

  ‘Okay.’ Shouldn’t I be strutting with my hair gently blowing in the wind trying to look sophisticated and sexy?

  I scurry along and follow my dashing host to the terrace. It looks quite small today, must have been the booze that made it seem larger, like most things in life.

  ‘This way,’ he says as I follow him to the kitchen where he hands me a bottle of wine and two glasses. ‘Can you take them to the balcony?’ He’s too handsome for his own good especially when he smiles.

  I’m nervous.

  I sit and wait for him to join me. A few minutes later he follows, beaming from ear to ear. I kick off my shoes and pull my legs to my chest. He looks at me, opens the bottle and pours out the wine.

  ‘I think you need to loosen up,’ he says.

  ‘I don’t need to get drunk to … what do you mean loosen up? You think I’m uptight?’ I quickly put my legs down.

  ‘Nervous maybe?’ he gently comments.

  ‘Of what?’

  ‘Me.’

  ‘Don’t be stupid!’ I lie trying to look laid back. He hands me a glass and sits on the chair opposite. ‘And you tried it on with me today, not the other way round.’

  ‘Maybe,’ he says sipping his drink.

  ‘You like Joan?’ I say. My face is giving the game away as I feel a grimace starting.

  ‘Yes,’ he laughs out. ‘She’s a lovely lady.’

  ‘Really?’ I can’t hide my shock.

  ‘Why so surprised?’ He tilts his head to one side and I catch a glint in his eyes.

  ‘Are you banging her?’

  ‘Jesus don’t hold back then!’ he says choking on his drink. ‘Is that a problem?’

  ‘Not to me,’ I say, with a twinge of envy. ‘Why did you ask me out? Has she put you up to this?’

  ‘Not this.’ He’s leaning back grinning at me. ‘You’re a pretty woman, do you know that?’

  ‘Thank you.’ I blush and break out into a sweat. Hal leans closer and kisses me on the lips. ‘What’s that for?’

  ‘No tongues,’ he smiles, millimetres from my face. He has very good skin, that’s how close I am. ‘You really are lovely.’ He’s going to kiss me again but this is wrong.

  I jump up, spilling my drink over his trousers.

  ‘Shit I’m sorry Hal!’

  ‘Don’t worry,’ he says smiling up at me, brushing his crotch. ‘I’ll go and get changed.’

  ‘I better go. We’re leaving early tomorrow.’

  ‘You’ve only been here for a few minutes,’ he says shaking his head in disbelief. ‘You don’t want another drink?’

  ‘It might end up on you again,’ I say turning to walk out.

  ‘I’d like to make love to you.’

  ‘What?’ I’m gob smacked as I turn and he smiles at me. ‘What did
you say?’

  ‘You heard.’ I take a few moments to let his comment sink in.

  ‘That’s a stupid thing to say.’ I start to laugh like a hyena to hide my nervousness the end up snorting like a pig which makes him laugh.

  ‘Funny is it?’ Hal grins though.

  ‘Thank you for cheering me up. I’ve had a few crap weeks but you’ve made my day.’

  ‘I’ve heard about your liaisons.’

  ‘Oh.’ I stop laughing.

  ‘Sleeping with a married man the day after his wedding is special.’

  ‘Did Joan tell you that?’ That woman really is a cow.

  ‘And the other married guy was for fun?’

  ‘I’m not going to explain myself!’ I sound cheap and cheerful, well, maybe not the latter at the moment.

  ‘You made out today you hadn’t slept with anyone else since your husband,’ he says laughing at me. ‘What a liar!’

  ‘I don’t think two one night stands … and an afternoon bunk up constitutes anything, do you?’

  ‘I’ll give you another one night stand tonight. It’s a good offer.’

  ‘You mean it’s the best offer I’m going to get.’

  ‘We’ll see,’ he grins.

  ‘If you want to tell tales on me to Joan, you can say you shoved it up my arse or something, because that can’t constitute for sex,’ I snap. ‘I’m not a slapper!’

  ‘I never said you were,’ he smiles. ‘Do you like it up the arse?’

  ‘How dare you!’ I step backwards and look at him in horror, now touching my rump knowing he’s the type of bloke that likes that sort of thing.

  ‘Would you like to have sex with me?’

  ‘I’m never going to have sex again. It gets me into trouble and certainly not with you.’

  ‘Don’t you find me attractive?’ He stands up and walks to the balcony, looking over the railings before turning to face me.

  ‘You’re all right.’ I want to lick him all over.

  ‘Not your type?’

  ‘My type is buried six feet under.’ I knock back the remains in my glass and breathe deeply.

  ‘I see.’ Hal smiles and turns away. ‘I understand why you’re virtually a virgin.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Sometimes you’ve got to let go and have fun. You see,’ he says turning to look at me. ‘You’re in dire need of confidence boosting. Personally I find having great sex helps.’