by S M Mala
He glances at me before slumping on the sofa as I knock back the brandy and my body goes into alcoholic shock.
‘So?’ he says and puts and arm across the back of the sofa, crossing his leg. ‘Are you going to give me a lecture?’
‘No,’ I reply momentarily lost in thought. ‘I went round to Joan and she told me everything.’
‘Which is what?’
‘She knew you fancied Meg months ago.’
‘Go on.’
‘And you promised her I’d be the last one and you’d be faithful until she dies. Well she didn’t say that but I presume that’s what she thought.’
‘I started sleeping with Meg long before they got married you know,’ he says quite icily. ’Then she decided to marry him and calls everything off.’
I’m sat there open mouthed as he takes the glass from my hand and I feel hurt.
‘Speechless? That’s a first,’ he says staring hard at me.
‘It’s a little screwed up, don’t you think?’ I say, not liking his attitude. ‘And you used me.’
‘I did at first but then things changed,’ he says in a lowered tone.
‘I see.’ I can’t hide my annoyance. My confidence has also received a massive dent.
‘Are you upset?’ he says frowning.
‘Of course I bloody well am!’ I snap.
‘Why?’
‘I don’t like the idea of being used, that’s all,’ I say and look at him staring back at me.
‘You used me.’
‘No I didn’t.’
‘For sex?’
‘Didn’t you do that to me?’ I reply and can see he has a hint of a smile. ‘You wanted Meg, you couldn’t get her so you go for the husband’s … I don’t even know how to describe myself?’
‘Don’t tempt me,’ he laughs and shakes his head.
‘What is this about?’ I say feeling upset but trying very hard not to show it.
‘I was seeing Meg and I knew she was going to marry Josh but then Joan tells me something about you.’
‘Me?’
‘She told me her godson appeared on her doorstep confessing his love for you and was in two minds about pulling out of the wedding.’
‘To which she talked him out of it,’ I say shaking my head. ‘Then they get married-.’
‘And I hear the husband spends the night after his wedding with you which is pretty strange,’ Hal says focussing directly at me. ‘Then Joan has the party and the rest is history.’
‘Why did you make a play for me?’ I say shaking my head. ‘What did you aim to get out of it? ’
‘I don’t know,’ he says shaking his head.
‘I think you wanted to make Meg jealous,’ I say through gritted teeth because I feel foolish about thinking he actually fancied me. ‘Didn’t work though, did it?’
‘You’re wrong. It worked,’ he says and fills up his glass. ‘Except everything started to change.’
‘Yeah you had to screw three women,’ I snap and grab his glass from his hand taking a sip and trying not to throw up when I swallow.
‘Don’t get upset,’ he gently says as I flash him the dirtiest look I can muster which probably makes me look like I’m retching.
‘Were you seeing Meg when you bought me that dress?’ I suddenly feel giddy and don’t really want to know the answer as I sit down.
‘It has been on and off for 18 months,’ he calmly replies.
‘And Josh has no idea?’
‘Do you think he’d have come round to dinner if he did?’ Hal laughs out and shakes his head.
‘As we’re being honest with each other,’ I say trying to compose myself. ‘Why did you invite them round to dinner when I was there?’
‘I wanted to see how Josh would react to seeing you in front of Meg,’ he ponders for a moment. ‘And then I decided I didn’t want to upset you. It was too late to cancel and that’s why I wanted you out of the way.’
‘But you did upset me.’ Josh’s face flashes into my mind.
‘Josh upset you not me,’ he calmly replies.
‘Are you in love with Meg?’
Do I really want to know?
‘No,’ he sharply replies and I feel oddly relieved. ‘I really like her but I’m not in love with her.’
‘Then why do you want her to leave Josh?’
‘Don’t you want him?’ Hal says looking at me and waiting for an answer.
‘You’re doing it for me?’ I laugh at how ludicrous it sounds.
‘Belle you were devastated that night. I didn’t realise how much you loved him,’ he gently says before sipping his drink and I can see he isn’t happy. ‘And how much he loves you.’
‘Then why let Joan catch you with Meg? You didn’t have to do that. It was really heartless,’ I sigh.
‘Why do you care?’ he shrugs and scratches his head.
‘I do care.’
Hal stares at me for a moment and I don’t know what he’s ticking over.
‘Who do you really care about?’ he suddenly asks.
‘I care about the people I love.’
‘Does that include Joan?’
‘I don’t love Joan but I don’t want her to be unhappy because she’ll make my life hell.’ I sit there for a moment and think it about it carefully.
‘Look, I had no choice,’ he says earnestly, the ice slightly melting. ‘Joan won’t listen to me.’
‘You know Joan is going to tell Josh?’
‘Good, he should know,’ he smiles and sips his drink. ‘His wife should tell him.’ The sunlight is on his face making his eyes luminous for a moment.
‘What are you getting out of this?’ I ask gently.
‘What are you going to get out of this?’
‘Me?’ I gulp. ‘Joan hates me more than usual, Meg hates me as per normal, Josh is going to find out that I walked in on the pair of you and will continue to hate me and you?’
‘What about me?’
‘You can’t like me that much if you forced yourself to screw me so Josh would ditch Meg or Meg would ditch Josh,’ I say making a pig snort with my false laughter.
‘I never said that.’
‘Well it’s what you wanted.’
‘You know that’s not true,’ he says, topping up his glass again and leaning forward. ‘What did Joan say?’
‘She was inconsolable. You humiliated her in front of me and I get the blame.’
‘She’d do the same to you if she could,’ he quietly replies and stares at me.
‘Yes, well that might be the case,’ I say, knowing he’s speaking the truth. ‘But you have to talk to her face to face, tell her how you feel. I’ve never seen her so upset Hal.’
‘No,’ he says and I swear he’s smiling.
‘You have to.’
‘I’ll speak to her when I’m ready so if you don’t mind,’ he says looking at me then nodding his head towards the door. ‘I think I’ve told you enough.’
‘You want me to go?’
‘Yes,’ he says and looks away.
I stand up feeling a great spin in my head due to too much brandy which certainly is not making me randy.
‘Tell Joan I didn’t know about your surprise?’ I earnestly say. ‘I don’t like the idea of seeing her hurt by the man she loves. It’s happened to me several times in the past few months and it’s not nice.’
‘It was only Josh which is one,’ he says looking at me.
‘Just talk to Joan.’
‘You’re showing compassion,’ he says raising his eyebrows.
‘I know you’re not happy, Hal, it’s written all over your face. Maybe you’re not doing the right thing?’ I say wondering what’s wrong with him.
‘I’m doing what I have to do,’ he says sharply.
‘What’s your problem?’ I say and walk up towards him, then plonk myself on the sofa. ‘You’re acting weird.’
‘You care?’
‘I do care,’ I say gently and see the angst on his face.
> ‘You think I lead a fantastic life, don’t you? Going off with who I want whenever I want,’ he sighs. ‘You think I’m totally dispassionate about everything.
‘You have a great time,’ I nod seeing he looks upset. ‘And the only reason I think you show a lack of love is because you don’t want to get your fingers burnt.’
Hal turns to look at me and I see a flicker in his face.
‘I’m getting older and I don’t know what I want.’ He sips his drink. ‘But I know I can’t be with Joan any more.’
‘You were happy with her for years,’ I quietly say touching his leg. ‘What’s changed?’
‘I have,’ he says. ‘It’s funny. I’ve spent the past year with women that Josh, your Josh, has slept with or wants. It’s bloody ridiculous.’
‘Oh,’ I say realising his ego is at stake here. ‘You surely can’t be feeling insecure, not you? That’s my thing.’
‘I’m only human you know. I don’t want to compete with younger guys. I’m losing my looks for god’s sake,’ he says and rubs his gorgeous concerned face.
‘You’re beautiful,’ I say and touch his chin. ‘When you’re not using your dick or being mean, you’re funny, intelligent and sometimes, this is only sometimes, the perfect man.’
‘You’re sweet,’ he says and looks genuinely touched. ‘I’m sorry for landing you in shit.’
‘You’ll tell her I’m innocent?’
‘She’ll figure it out sooner or later.’
I look at him and I have to ask.
‘Was everything between us pretend?’ I wait for an answer and he tilts his head before he smiles.
‘Out of anyone I think the pair of us have been the most honest with each other.’
‘How so?’
‘Joan has constantly lied to you about Josh and a heap of other things. Josh has lied to himself about you and Meg is lying to everyone about being faithful.’
‘I lied to Joan about you,’ I say and sigh, seeing this lovely guy’s sad face.
‘Okay, maybe one slight hiccup but I asked you to do it, so I take half the blame,’ he laughs.
‘You didn’t tell me about Meg.’
‘I told you there was someone else.’
‘While you were pretending to be interested in me?’
‘It wasn’t all pretend.’
‘Good,’ I say smiling at him. ‘I may have only a small ego but, you know, it still matters.’
‘Are you going to get Josh now I’ve made it all good for you?’
‘Pardon?’
‘He’s going to be a single man by the end of the day so are you going to bag your man?’
‘If he wants me he knows where I am.’
‘You’re too good for him, you know.’
‘The problem is who am I good for?’
We sit in silence for a moment and look at each other as I feel pretty sad right now.
‘We won’t see each other again, will we?’ I ask, my tummy lurching in pain.
‘I don’t know,’ he says and looks at me before leaning closer. ‘I hope you get what you want.’
Hal kisses me gently and slowly. I stand up and walk to the door.
I know that was a goodbye and I don’t want to leave him as I turn to take one last look.
‘I hope you get what you want,’ I say before feeling a sharp pang of despair knowing I might never see him again. ‘You deserve to be happy too.’
Twenty eight
It’s the middle of August, approximately seven weeks since Hal gave Joan the shock of her life and me a slight glimmer of hope that I’d hear from Josh.
Not a word.
Joan isn’t telling me what’s going on and I’m waiting for a good opportunity to ask her but I’m so scared she’ll tell me something I don’t want to hear.
Joan’s still not herself.
I know the signs of a broken heart and she’s nursing a bad one. Her face has aged and she genuinely looks unhappy. Hal gave her the official brush off over the phone. He couldn’t do it in the flesh but I don’t blame him to be honest. No doubt he was humping Meg at the time.
I think Joan realises she can’t put chains around a man who thinks he’s Houdini!
And in some ways she’s blaming me for the whole thing even after I put my spin on it that if she helped me get Josh in the first place then Meg would never have cropped up on the scene.
She’s still not buying it.
‘What are you thinking?’ she asks as we sit on her balcony overlooking the late afternoon sunshine.
‘Nothing,’ I say, taking a sip of my very strong gin and tonic before looking into the living room to see Beth laughing at the television.
‘No surprise there,’ she purrs and sits back in her chair, sunglasses firmly on her nose, enjoying the warm rays of sunshine.
‘Have you heard from Hal?’ I ask as she’s not looking as distraught as before.
‘Why do you ask?’ she says and I see a slight smile on her face which I take for a ‘yes’.
‘You’re smiling which has been a rarity,’ I say wondering what’s going on behind those glasses.
‘I’ve not seen or heard from him but I did hear, if you’re interested, that Meg and him are having problems,’ Joan says gleefully.
‘Is he trying to win you back?’
‘Not yet but he will,’ she says confidently.
‘Have you heard from Josh?’
‘What is this?’ she snaps and pushed her sunglasses up. ‘Twenty bloody questions?’
‘I was just asking.’
Damn it. My plan of catching her in a good mood and making her spill the beans isn’t working.
‘He wants nothing to do with you,’ Joan says with a wide smile. ‘He’s safe and please leave him alone. I don’t want you to have anything to do with him. If you care about him you’ll do as you’re told.’
‘So have you heard from him?’ I ask taking a massive swig of my drink and wishing I could push her over the balcony for a moment.
‘Yes I’ve heard from him,’ she sighs. ‘He’s very well and happy to be out of the relationship with Meg. When I saw him last he was ecstatic.’ I see her smile to herself.
‘Great!’ I say through gritted teeth.
‘Your theory that he’d want you wasn’t exactly right,’ she says very cheerfully. ’Poor deranged and deluded Belle.’
‘Rub it in,’ I say knowing she would.
‘You’ve got no one.’
‘Neither have you!’
‘But I can get someone,’ she says confidently.
‘Have you met someone?’
‘No but I could if I wanted to but you, on the other hand, can’t,’ she says smugly.
There’s no point arguing with her as she has a strong case.
‘I thought you weren’t interested in men anymore? It’s not so long ago you said you’d rather be on our own,’ I remind her as she rolls her eyes at me.
‘I was distraught.’
‘And you made me promise not to ever see Hal again, even if he wanted to explain himself,’ I snap.
‘That still stands,’ she says harshly and pulls down her sunglasses. ‘Has he called you? Made any contact?’
‘No!’ I honestly reply. ‘And he’s still owes me money.’
‘Shouldn’t that be the other way round considering the poor man had to see you naked on numerous occasions? I’ve probably not heard from him because he’s in therapy or something.’ Then she lets out her false laugh and I know she’s back on form.
‘You can’t upset me Joan, so you might as well put a sock in it.’
‘Wanna bet?’ she glares. ‘He’s selling his house after all the work he put in, he doesn’t want it.’
‘Why not?’
‘Memories of screwing you I suspect,’ she smirks.
‘And Meg and who knows who else?’ I bite back.
‘Anyway when he gets his new place I’ll make sure I’m the only woman getting into his bed.’
‘In your
dreams.’
‘I love him Belle, or haven’t you grasped that bit?’
‘Not after what he’s done? Surely you can’t-.’
‘I will get him back but on my terms. I knew it wouldn’t work with Meg as she is highly strung and not the cleverest girl in the world.’
‘I thought you liked her,’ I snipe and am met with an evil glare.
‘I was wrong!’ she snaps. ‘Hal’s in the States and when he’s ready, he’ll make the right decision.’
Joan smiles and raises her head to the sun. I can she has been booted recently as her forehead is smooth as plaster.
‘So you’re expecting contact shortly?’ I ask knowing she has a plan. ‘And he has done this before? Broken your heart then turns up on your doorstep?’
‘You haven’t helped matters to be honest, with your meddling.’
‘Don’t blame me!’ See I’m still getting it in the neck.
‘Why couldn’t you find a man that hasn’t got anything to do with me,’ she says. ‘You know I would never have slept with someone you cared for, not in a million years.’
‘Probably because you’d think they were too lowly for you,’ I laugh.
‘Based on your wayward sexual history they’ve probably committed suicide!’
‘You’re not nice,’ I say, feeling all the waves of sympathy I had subsiding and being replaced with the need to kill her. ‘No wonder Hal has to shag everyone else in sight.’
‘He won’t be doing that with you again.’
‘Why are you so sure?’
‘When I last spoke to him-.’
‘When he was dumping you,’ I cheerfully interject.
‘He said being with you was a mistake,’ she sighed. ‘And you complicated everything. He clearly didn’t enjoy any of your time together.’
‘That’s not true!’ She’s a spiteful old cow but that’s what happens when you’ve been hurt. ‘I’m not proud about what happened. I don’t know what I was thinking.’
‘You were getting laid by Hal. I mean what other chance did you have?’
‘Josh?’
I notice Joan flinch.
‘He’ll never want to be with you again, believe me.’
‘I don’t care,’ I lie looking at the melting ice in my glass.
‘Liar! It didn’t turn out the way you expected it, did it?’ she yells.
‘No,’ I quietly say and feel sad knowing he didn’t care enough about me to even call. ‘I’ll find someone new, one day.’
