by S M Mala
‘You live in hope!’ she laughs.
‘I know you think Hal didn’t like me but I got on really well with him. We had a lot of fun and you know what?’ I’m full of gin and tonic. ‘I’m pleased he dumped you.’
‘That doesn’t mean you’re going to get your paws into him,’ she sternly replies.
‘Fat chance!’
‘Belle,’ she says seriously, turning to me and pushing her sunglasses up again. ‘If you ever touch Hal again I will kill you.’
Twenty Nine
Tuesday night is laundry night. It’s just gone past eight thirty but after the weekend I can’t face doing it on a Monday so I try to get all the bedding washed and ready for the next change (usually a month).
It’s now towards the end of summer holidays and Beth will be going back to school in a few days. I wish I could say having her home for six weeks was fun but it wasn’t. How extortionate are those summer playgroups! I’m surprised I wont’ be filing for bankruptcy after this.
There’s a surprise knock on the door and I don’t recognise the figure.
‘Hello,’ I say then he turns around.
It’s Josh
I stand there for a long time slightly stunned on seeing him again.
‘Can I come in?’ he asks and I don’t know what to do.
‘I don’t think-.’
‘I need to speak to you,’ he looks earnestly at me and I open the door letting him in. He walks straight into the living room as I head for the table where I continue to fold laundry and bed linen
‘What can I do for you?’ I ask breezily though my insides are shaking.
‘How’ve you been?’ he asks standing in the middle of the room. ‘It’s been ages since I’ve been in here.’ He smiles at Beth’s art then turns to look at me.
‘I’ve been well.’
‘Last time we met I wasn’t nice,’ he says, still avoiding eye contact.
‘It doesn’t matter,’ I fib.
‘It does.’ This is when he does catch my eye and I suddenly feel out of sorts.
‘Beth has grown,’ he says looking at a picture of us at the seaside that takes pride of place on the wall. He seems to be composing himself before looking at me. ‘You and I weren’t a mistake.’
My heart is seriously pounding so loudly I can hear it.
‘I haven’t seen or heard from you since that night at Hal’s. You were bang out of order. You said some horrible things,’ I eventually say.
‘You were sleeping with Hal!’
‘So was your wife!’ I notice his face flickers with a slight distress and I ignore it.
‘I was mortified you know,’ Josh says stepping closer.
‘Josh.’ I don’t know what to say. ‘Why are you bringing this up now? Why are you here?’
‘Every time I ask about you no one says a thing. Joan mumbles something about you being a tart.’
‘She loves me,’ I smile.
‘I’ve wanted to come round so many times, call you but I couldn’t. I knew it’d cause problems and hey, I had to think about my marriage as everyone keeps telling me.’
‘You’re divorcing her aren’t you for adultery? That’s what Joan says.’
‘She doesn’t want to get a divorce now. She wants us to try again.’
My face is like stone. I can’t move it. I’m shocked.
‘Are you going to?’ I quietly ask.
‘I wanted to see you,’ he says raising his voice and shaking his head. ‘I’ve really, really missed you and I’m sick of people telling me what to do.’
‘We can’t go back to last year, too much has happened.’
‘Like you sleeping with Hal Elliot?’ he says looking straight at me.
‘So what? Old news,’ I brazenly reply while folding up my large knickers and hoping he hasn’t noticed that lack of elastic in them.
‘Joan told me you slept with him behind her back and she was really hurt you betrayed her.’
Why that scheming bitch!
‘I did have a very short fling with him behind her back but that was before she told me I could see him in front of her face,’ I say with as much dignity as a slug.
‘Pardon?’
‘I saw Hal for a while and he was great at building my confidence and making me feel like a woman again. After my marriage, my episode with you and the crap shag, he came along and made me feel wanted and … a sex goddess.’ I can see Josh is going to laugh so I ignore it. ‘If you want me to justify what I did, I won’t. Frankly Josh, it’s nothing to do with you.’
I stand firm and watch his face. He doesn’t know what to say.
‘And for your information,’ I add, now on a roll. ‘It was because of you I ended up with a crap shag and, because of you, why I was so willing to sleep with Hal. And furthermore, I’m not ashamed of what I did with Hal. The crap shag… yes I’m mortified.’
‘How bad was the crap shag?’ he says looking at me and I see a slight smile.
‘Dismal,’ I smile.
‘And what about Hal?’
‘Oh he dumped me after a while. It was expected.’
‘And what did Joan say about your relationship?’ Josh looks a little confused. ‘It’s pretty weird you sleeping with her lover.’
‘She wanted to keep him happy and he’s so not into monogamy. You know where you stand with him. And he wanted to get his leg over with your wife so you should be bloody grateful I let him get into my knickers if only for your marriage to last a little longer!’
Josh walks to a chair and sits downs now looking up at me with a look of confusion.
‘You’ve certainly changed,’ he says.
‘Is that good or bad?’
He’s gorgeous. Still looks the same but slightly more muscles on him than I remember and his hair is lighter. His face could do with a shave but it adds to the look.
‘This is stupid,’ he says. Before I know it, Josh has stood up and grabs my face gently with his hands.
‘You know how I felt that night I slept with you,’ he says. ‘How I feel.’
‘That was then and this is now.’ Oh dear. I feel the knickers in my current pair of knickers slipping away at this moment.
‘Tell me you don’t feel the same, tell me?’
‘You should go,’ I say but he’s not loosening his grip then he leans down and kisses me on the lips. That same old electricity fires through my body but I’m not pulling away. Our tongues touch and it’s like a wave of lust lapping over me.
‘I can’t do this.’ I push him away. ‘If you really wanted me like how you told Joan, then you would have come to me.’
‘I love you.’
His mouth is over mine and I feel my head swim in his kiss. I push him away and stand there.
‘You did this to me before, remember? Waltz in and waltz out. I would have done anything for you, anything. I wasn’t enough and now you want to what? Sleep with me to prove you’re a nice guy. No thanks,’ I finish and wipe my mouth with the back of my hand and pull away. My head is spinning. ‘And telling me you loved me, what bullshit.’
‘You know what’s happening,’ he says.
‘You’re having another breakdown!’
‘Listen to me! I wanted to see you. I mucked everything up. You know how I feel.’ I can’t take my eyes away from him. Is he telling the truth?
‘I-.’
‘I wanted to call you every day to apologise.’
‘You broke my heart,’ I say.
‘You broke mine too,’ he says.
‘You said sleeping with me was forgettable. It raced through my head so many times.’
‘I’m a fuckwit,’ he says stepping closer and leaning down to kiss me. His hand is cupping my chin. ‘I wanted to hurt you because you were hurting me.’
We pull away and look at each other then he steps forward and I can’t explain what happens but he has pushed me up against the fridge freezer. I hear the contents rattle which is pretty much like my insides
His hands
are on my buttocks and I find one of my legs is wrapped around his waist, while his tongue is in my mouth. I’m tugging at his clothes and it’s like a scene from one of those French films.
I gulp to get some air. No, he won’t even let me do that as his mouth is over mine again. He’s pulling me upstairs.
‘Beth’s asleep,’ I say. ‘And you can’t come round and expect me to drop everything.’
He stops and turns.
‘Listen to me,’ he quietly says. ‘I will explain everything later.’
‘And that’s good enough for me?’
‘Have some faith.’
I can’t tell him I have no faith when it comes to men so I let him take me upstairs and I shut my bedroom door.
Josh turns and his hands are crawling up my top and he’s squeezing my breasts. This is turning me on and I know I should stop but I can’t.
What am I doing? This isn’t my rational behaviour.
Or maybe it is?
Could I have turned into a middle aged nymphomaniac?
His mouth travels down my neck and he undoes the buttons on my blouse. I look down and my breasts are already falling out of my bra in anticipation of what’s coming next. Josh then pushes me back on the bed.
‘You have to be quiet,’ I say.
‘I know the drill,’ he whispers in my ear before moving down.
I look at him as his lips nibble on my nipples and I want to say something but he put his hand over my mouth. His other hand is now stroking my stomach.
I try and remove his hand from going any further between my legs but he beats me too it. He raises his head then smiles.
He doesn’t need much coaxing as he twiddles the right button, pushed and prods then before long, I can’t help it as I start to writhe under his touch.
I try to pull his hand away but he knows I’m on the verge and his other hand is still firmly over my mouth. Then his fingers are working faster and I can feel my whole body ready to snap under the pressure, my legs spreading wider.
I have an orgasm that rockets through the base of pelvis up to my throat. Biting his hand gives me some satisfaction as I hold back every bit of noise I can.
Josh quickly puts on a condom and plunges deep inside me as my legs ride up his back.
‘God I missed you,’ I say while trying to suck the poor man’s face off.
‘Look at us, see how perfect we are,’ he gently says and I see his piston like penis filling me, glistening with my appreciation of his adept moves.
His hair is tousled and my brown limbs are covered with sweat as he moves my legs further back then holds a foot to his mouth, biting my inner step. I know he’s going to come as I look at him.
Something’s wrong. I don’t know what it is. It doesn’t feel right. I don’t feel right.
‘You feel so good, I’ve missed you so much,’ he says.
‘I missed you,’ I say, while watching him and forcing a smile.
‘Oh… I’m going to… you feel so… lovely and wet.’ I look into his eyes as he throws back his head, then leans forward as he moans with gratification, pumping his hips then pants, ‘I love you so much’. We lay there on the bed.
‘You’ve managed to have sex with me in a matter of minutes,’ I whisper into his ear.
‘I know,’ he says squeezing my breast. ‘I thought I was going to explode in my pants when you came off. I forget how much watching you turns me on.’
I lay in his arms for a moment and it’s not how I remembered it last year. Something is different. Is it me?
‘You should go,’ I eventually say, sitting up and quickly gathering my clothing. I turn to see him prop himself up on his arms. ‘What happens if Beth walks in? Do you think she heard us?’
‘I can’t wait to see her again.’
‘I can’t do this,’ I say, feeling myself go slightly wobbly looking at him.
‘Why not?’
‘It’s too messy and I need some time,’ I sharply reply.
Josh lies back down and looks at the ceiling.
‘Don’t do that,’ I say, now seeing he doesn’t look happy.
‘Do what?’ he sulkily replies.
‘Make me feel guilty.’ I drop my clothing. I go back and stroke his hair and we kiss. ‘It’s too soon.’
‘I want to make love to you all night,’ he says holding my hand then kissing my knuckles.
‘And then in the morning? What happens then?’
‘We’ll take it one step at a time.’
‘And what about Meg?’
‘She’s still seeing Hal. I think,’ he says and I see something in his face flickers again.
‘Are you here because you want to be with me or because I’m second prize?’ I ask, getting some tissues and inelegantly wiping myself down.
‘That’s a stupid thing to say?’ he shrugs and I see he’s now avoiding eye contact.
‘When you split up with Meg why did you end up going out with that Keira?’ I ask now sensing he’s starting to squirm.
‘That was something-.’
‘If you loved me so much, how comes when you walked out on Meg you didn’t come to me?’ You know, I think he’s going bright red. ‘Your burning love for me was obviously on hold.’
‘Hey,’ he says jumping off the bed and pulling his clothes on. ‘You were screwing Hal at the time.’
‘It’s only bloody Hal, there wasn’t a love thing going on!’ I lie.
‘How would I know that?’ he says giving me an evil glare.
‘And how long ago did Meg tell you she was shagging Hal for?’
He’s getting dressed and I know he’s ticking something over.
‘You didn’t contact me,’ he said.
‘Don’t turn this on me,’ I say now quickly throwing my dressing gown on. ‘You were the one who was rude to me.’
‘How comes you caught my wife in bed with Hal?’ he says snapping at me.
‘Keep your voice down!’
‘Come on,’ he says putting the last of his clothing on and throwing his jacket on the bed. ‘Tell the truth.’
‘I always tell the truth,’ I lie again and fling open the bedroom door, avoiding eye contact and walk down the stairs knowing I’m being followed. I turn around quickly and whisper. ‘Don’t start shouting at me as Beth is asleep, okay?’
‘Okay,’ he says, pursing those rose petal pink soft bloody lips that end up getting me into trouble.
‘Good,’ I say and carry on walking down the stairs, heading for the living room. I pull down the blinds and put on the side lamp.
‘Can I have a drink?’ he says.
‘Help yourself.’ I watch him with a slight smirk on his face as he open the fridge, pulls out a bottle of wine and pours out two tumblers full. He turns and holds up the glass to me. I don’t believe it. That son of a bitch is smiling.
I get my drink and stand in front of him as he looks at me with a quizzical expression.
‘What?’ I ask.
‘Tell me everything then,’ he says taking a sip.
‘I stopped seeing Hal about-.’
‘You and him really split up?’ he said, a frown appearing on his forehead that I’ve never noticed before. He’s beginning to age.
‘That night you were being bloody horrible when I cooked round Hal’s. We weren’t together. It’s then he told me he wanted to set up a surprise for Joan and I had to take her to a hotel, ply her with drinks and deliver her to this suite. Except he was humping your wife,’ I quietly say seeing Josh flinch. ‘Joan thinks I set it up when I didn’t.’ I pause and wonder how frank I should be. ‘You know the rest.’
‘I tried to speak to Hal, well he called me wanting to explain but I told him to fuck off, to coin a phrase,’ he said looking pissed off. ‘He has meddled too much with the women in my life and I personally can’t see the appeal.’
‘Are you blind,’ I accidentally say and see him glare. ‘And he says the same about you with the women in his life.’
‘So what’s t
he attraction with Hal?’
‘Ah?’ I choke on my drink.
‘Why are women falling all over themselves for him?’
‘Gosh,’ I say and wonder how honest I should be. ‘He’s very good at making you feel better about yourself.’
‘Go on,’ he says as his eyes narrow.
‘He’s good company, makes me laugh,’ I continue. ‘And great in bed.’
‘I see,’ sighs Josh downing the contents of his glass and pouring out more wine. He’s trying to hide his flinch but I’m being honest and that’s what he wants.
‘How long has he been seeing Meg?’
‘For longer than he was seeing me,’ I honestly say and he stares. ‘Hal said he slept with her before you were married.’ Josh suddenly looks shocked. ‘She wanted you, she married you.’
‘I wished she hadn’t,’ Josh sighs and puts down the tumbler before looking out into the garden.
‘You’re still cut up about it, aren’t you?’ I can tell he looks devastated or that could be down to just having sex with me. I shrug off that thought as I am a love goddess.
‘I love you,’ he says turning to look at me. ‘I really do.’
‘And I’ve always loved you.’
‘Do you want to make a go of it with me?’
‘I don’t know,’ I honestly reply. ‘I really don’t know.’
‘The whole thing is a mess,’ he says, sounding distressed.
‘Why didn’t you tell me how you felt before you got married? If you had then none of this would have happened.’
‘I wanted to marry Meg,’ he blurts out and looks at me.
‘You what?’
‘I was a torn between my love for Meg and you. I wanted to do the right thing and marry Meg but I also wanted you,’ Josh says and looks pained. ‘I knew you’d never want to have an affair but little did I know.’
I sense a tone of voice I don’t like.
‘Are you saying if I wanted to see you on the side you’d have easily done so when married to Meg, is that what you’re implying?’
‘In a matter of weeks you were sleeping with a married man, which stunned me,’ he says nodding. ‘And I thought you had morals.’
I can feel my temper rising but I will stay calm.
Before I know it I have a wet tea towel in my hand and I am slapping the man with it, using all my force.
