Hard to Let Go

by Laura Kaye

  “Or the initials GW,” Nick said. “Remember Merritt listed GW for his contact?” With everyone agreeing, he scribbled down the idea.

  Katherine paced around to the back of the table and came to a rest against her younger brother, who put his arm around her.

  “You all right?” Jeremy asked.

  She nodded and gave him a smile, but it appeared strained or reserved. Then again, maybe Beckett was reading too much into it. It wasn’t like she directed that many smiles his way, and when she did, they were usually in the midst of some snarky exchange.

  “What else?” Nick asked, surveying the group.

  “Private cell phone numbers with call histories and text exchanges,” Beckett said. “E-mail exchanges, for that matter.”

  Nodding, Nick added it.

  “How do you propose to get this kind of information?” Kat asked.

  “We’re not there yet,” Nick said. “Just brainstorming the kinds of information that, should it fall in our laps, might be helpful to proving what we need proved. But, look, I know this whole conversation puts you in an awkward place, so maybe I shouldn’t have asked you to help . . .”

  “There’s no way you can get any of this legally,” she said. Despite what she’d said, her tone hadn’t been critical. More musing, maybe?

  “Really, you don’t have to be here,” Nick said, tapping his pencil against the pad.

  “No, no. It’s just, you guys are taking a lot of risks in all this, aren’t you?” she asked.

  “Can’t be helped,” Nick said, his tone shorter and his brow cranked down. Beckett had seen that expression often enough to know Nick was losing his patience.

  Kat frowned and stepped out from under Jeremy’s arm. “I’m not trying to criticize—”

  “Then what’s your point, Kat? Because we’re trying to keep anybody else from dying here,” Nick said, rising to his feet and crossing his arms. The folding chair screeched against the concrete floor.

  Beckett’s protective instinct roared to life, and he grabbed Nick’s arm and hauled him back a step. Nick glared at him and pulled free, turning back toward his sister.

  Kat didn’t look the least bit cowed. Instead, she marched up to her much-taller brother and braced her hands on her hips. “Wow. Stand down, soldier boy. What is it with you guys and barking at me today? Especially when all I wanted to say is that I think I can help you. I think I have access to some of what you need.”

  KAT FELT LIKE she’d just jumped off a high cliff and hadn’t yet hit the bottom. Because she’d opened the door to sharing information and documents with her brother and his team, even if he was being an ass right now. Or maybe she was just overly sensitive. After all, she had to admit that she still felt a little off-kilter after her encounter with Beckett—both the mind-blowing sex and obvious regret immediately afterward.

  Really, she shouldn’t have been surprised by the latter. And to the extent she was, she kinda wanted to smack herself. Given their usual M.O., why had she expected anything else from the guy? And why the hell did he look about a thousand times more attractive to her stupid eyes now that she knew what his face looked like when she sucked his cock and what he sounded like upon orgasm?

  “What?” Nick asked. “What are you saying?”

  Nick’s words pulled her out of her thoughts. “Exactly what it sounds like. I’m saying I can help you.” She sighed and tucked her hair behind her ears, and then let the words fly that would commit her to their mission, and to a whole new path. “My office at Justice has been investigating Seneka Worldwide Security for almost a year. I have access to some of the exact files you’re discussing.”

  Nick’s pale green eyes went wide. The room went still and silent. And then all hell broke loose.

  “You can’t share that,” Nick said.

  Jeremy was almost instantly at her side, his face set in an uncharacteristic frown. “Dude, you could totally get in trouble. You can’t do that.”

  “Holy shit,” Marz said, rising to his feet. His chair scraped on the floor, sending their little three-legged German shepherd puppy, Eileen, scurrying out from underneath and growling in fright.

  And though Beckett didn’t say anything, tension roared off of him as a storm slid in across his face.

  Even the silence from the workstations where Becca, Sara, and Jenna sat seemed loud. Kat glanced their way and found Nick’s, Shane’s, and Easy’s girlfriends wearing matching concerned and sympathetic expressions. And she totally got why. The five women in the house, including Emilie, had talked more than once during the days since Kat had arrived about wanting to be able to help out in this whole mess. Becca gave her a little nod of encouragement.

  Kat took a deep breath and braced for a fight. She knew Nick wasn’t going to let her do this easily. He wouldn’t be Nick if he wasn’t crazy overprotective. “Nick—”

  “No, Kat. And that’s final.”

  He’d already lost this fight. He just didn’t realize it. Kat crossed her arms. “Really?”

  Shane rose slowly to his feet. He’d been the only one not to have an obvious reaction to what she’d said. “I think you should listen to what she has to say, Nick.” Shane’s gray eyes cut to her. “Why is Justice investigating Seneka, anyway?”

  Nodding in his direction, Kat said, “Thank you.” She was especially appreciative because Nick and Shane were best friends, and though Kat didn’t know exactly what had happened between them, Becca told her that they’d recently patched up some old misunderstandings. She could only imagine that taking the opposite position from Nick wasn’t easy for Shane. “In a nutshell, Justice is investigating Seneka for contract fraud, bribery of Afghan officials, and a shooting incident in which nine unarmed Afghan civilians were killed.”

  “Jesus,” Shane said. “Prosecuting something like that must be a bitch.”

  Kat nodded. “You could say that.” This case was a perfect example of why it was sometimes hard to fight the good fight. The difficulties of obtaining and preserving evidence in war zones and of gaining proper jurisdiction for prosecutions in American civilian courts were a few factors responsible for dragging this case out.

  Shane exchanged glances with some of the other men, and then looked back to Nick. “With charges like that, her files will definitely have some of what we need. You have to hear her—”

  “I heard her plain and clear,” Nick said. “And the answer’s still no.”

  “You realize I don’t actually need your permission to do this, right?” Kat said. “You need something I have the ability to give. It’s as simple as that.”

  Nick threw out his arms and dug in his heels. “This isn’t even your fight, Katherine.”

  Oh, she knew she was in trouble when he broke out her full name. But no way was she letting that BS stand unchallenged. “Are you freaking kidding me? I was up on that roof, remember?” She pointed at Jeremy. “Why is it Jer’s fight but not mine?”

  “You better fucking believe I remember what happened up on that roof. Thank you for making my point for me. In spades. And Jeremy’s different,” Nick said, raking at his dark brown hair and pacing. His hair wasn’t long, but it was longer than Kat had seen since before he’d gone into the Army.

  “Oh, this should be good. Please tell me how Jeremy being involved is different from me getting involved. And for the love of God, please tell me it doesn’t have anything to do with his penis.” She crossed her arms and cocked her head. Then waited.

  Nick glared as his shoulders rose and fell in a troubled sigh. “Gimme a little frickin’ credit, wouldya? I don’t want him in the middle of this any more than I want you to be, but I brought the trouble to his door, which didn’t give him a whole helluva lot of choice.”

  Jeremy held his hands palms up, highlighting the ink that ran down both arms. “That’s bullshit, Nick. You and I had a whole fight about this back at the very beginning, remember? I demanded in.”

  “I thought you were on my side in this,” Nick said. “She’s out
, and that’s final.” He slashed a hand through the air to end the debate.

  Arching a brow, Jeremy crossed his arms and stepped closer to Kat, so it was like the two of them were facing off against Nick. At least she’d won one brother over. “This is all feeling very familiar,” Jer said.

  Kat glanced between them, not sure what they were talking about.

  “She’s right,” Becca said, rising from the table and coming up to Nick. Her pale yellow shirt almost matched the color of her hair. “I was there the night you and Jer got into it. Remember?” She took Nick’s face in her hands.

  Nick grasped Becca’s hand, pressed a kiss to her palm, and shook his head. “Not the same, Sunshine. It’s just not.”

  Kat watched them together for a moment, once again grateful for Becca’s presence in Nick’s life. When she was around, he seemed to unwind by several kajillion stress levels.

  “Nick,” Kat said. “I want to help, and I can help.”

  “But at what cost?” Beckett said. They were the first words he’d uttered during the whole exchange.

  Kat met his gaze, but couldn’t read the emotions behind the words. His mask was firmly back in place, now, wasn’t it?

  Nick threw a hand out toward Beckett. “Thank you,” he said, in a tone like he’d been vindicated.

  Taking a deep breath, Kat shoved her anger and frustration back. She and Nick both had tempers, so losing her cool wasn’t going to help resolve this. And no way was she letting Beckett get underneath her skin in this moment. This whole situation was too damn important. “At the same cost everyone else in this room is willing to pay,” she said, in response to Beckett. “I’m no different.”

  Stepping closer, Nick shook his head again. His tone was gentler when he spoke. “Except you are different, Kat. You have a fuck-ton to lose. Things you could never get back, like your license to practice law. You worked damn hard for that. And it’s an important job. One that makes a difference in the world. I lost that. But I’m not letting you lose it, too.”

  “I appreciate the concern, Nick. But some things are more important than a job. Don’t you think I’ve thought this through? Considered the risks? I’ve worked through all of this, and I want to help.”

  Nick sighed. “Kat—”

  “Jeremy almost died,” she said, her throat unexpectedly closing up on the last word. She sucked back a sob that came out of nowhere and pressed a fist to her mouth. Tears filled her eyes. “And you last year,” she said in a thin voice. Over Nick’s shoulder, she made eye contact with Beckett, whose blue eyes were blazing at her. She was way too vulnerable right now to figure that out, though, so she dropped her gaze to the floor between her and her brother.

  A hand slipped into hers and squeezed. She glanced to her side to find Jeremy peering down at her with a strained expression.

  Without a second’s hesitation, Kat turned, pressed up onto her tiptoes and threw her arms around Jeremy’s neck. “We could’ve lost you,” she whispered, tears sneaking down her cheek. Talk about a delayed reaction. The roof collapse had been three mornings ago, but a wave of fear and grief suddenly washed over her.

  Jeremy’s arms came around her back. “Hey, it’s okay. I’m okay.”

  A fast shake of her head. “I know.” She batted away her tears. “I just . . . I can’t lose you guys.” Still leaning against Jeremy, she turned toward Nick and nailed him with a stare. “I can’t lose you. And if I can offer something that makes this even a little less dangerous, that gives you even the smallest advantage, you have to let me. Do you hear me? You have to. Because if you don’t and something happened . . .” She swallowed the knot forming in her throat again. “I would never be able to forgive myself.”

  The muscles in Nick’s jaw ticked. “Which is how I would feel if something happened to you. To either of you.”

  “I know, and I get it,” Kat said, crossing to stand in front of Nick, who towered over her. Well, pretty much everyone did. “But the reality is, Jeremy and I are already in it. How long do you think it takes Seneka to discover you have a sister who lives alone in D.C.?”

  Nick’s eyelids sank closed like the thought had physically hurt him, but Kat wasn’t above playing dirty to get her way. Not on this.

  “Sonofabitch,” Beckett bit out under his breath.

  Glancing around, she met the gazes of each of the guys who stood all around them. The conflict they felt was clear in their expressions, so Beckett wasn’t alone in his sentiment. She turned back to Nick. “You need me, Nick. And I need you to want me, too.”

  “Goddamnit, Kat,” he said, his voice way softer than the words he uttered.

  “Is that a yes?” she said, giving him a small smile.

  “I agree to this and you do exactly what I tell you. No questions asked. No busting my balls. No going off on your own,” Nick said, glaring down at her. But she could see the concern behind the scowl.

  “Of course,” she said, his agreement taking a load off her chest, making it incrementally easier to breathe. “I’ll try to keep the ball busting to a minimum.”

  Beside Nick, Shane chuckled. “I see the skill of persuasion runs in the family. She’s as hard to say no to as you are.” He clapped Nick on the back.

  Nick shoved his arm away, feigning annoyance. “Fuck off, McCallan.”

  Which made everyone chuckle.

  “Fuck all y’all,” Nick said. “Except you, Sunshine. C’mere.” He pulled her into his arms, one of which bore a new tattoo of a sun and Becca’s initial, and gave her a quick hug.

  Becca laughed and patted him on the back.

  Then Nick was standing in front of Kat again, bending down so he could look at her eye-to-eye. “Thank you. I don’t like it, but I get it. So, thank you.”

  She nodded. “You’re welcome. But don’t thank me until we know for sure that I’ve actually helped.”

  Chapter 5

  Kat returned to the scene of the crime, otherwise known as her bedroom, and tried not to stare at the wall against which she’d earlier had the best sex of her life.

  Focus, Kat.

  Right. She’d come back here for a reason. In order to access her systems at work, she needed the randomly generated digital code from her SecurID token. It changed every sixty seconds and was one of two steps required to access files on the virtual private network at Justice. The small, key-fob-type device sat atop her closed work laptop on the nightstand next to the bed. The time she’d taken off work this week hadn’t been planned, so she’d stayed up late last night writing a brief—the perfect alibi, should it become necessary, for why she’d be accessing these files.

  As voices approached from the main part of the apartment, Kat grabbed the token and her computer. Marz had asked her to bring the machine over to the gym before she logged in so he could look over and beef up its security features.

  “Hey,” Jeremy said from the doorway. Charlie hung in the hallway behind him.

  “Hey,” she said. “What are you guys doing?”

  Jeremy shrugged. “Just hanging out. Some of the Ravens are back from their shifts out at the roadblocks, so dinner madness is getting underway.”

  Kat nodded. “Okay.”

  Leaning against the doorjamb, Jeremy crossed his arms and gave her a funny look. “Question for ya.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Which Raven is it?” he asked, humor playing around his mouth.

  “Which Raven is what?” Kat hugged the laptop to her chest.

  He tilted his head and lifted his brows like she should know what he was asking. “Which Raven is it I smelled on you?”

  Heat crawled up Kat’s neck. She chuckled and pushed by him into the hall, giving him a small shove for good measure. “What the hell are you talking about, Jeremy?”

  “When you hugged me, you smelled like man and sex. Now, I love both men and sex—” He winked at Charlie, who looked a lot like he’d rather be anywhere else in the world just then. “—so I don’t have a problem with it at all. Just curious wh
o the lucky Raven was.”

  Holy shit! She thought about saying there’d been no Raven. Since that was, in fact, the truth, and could thereby lead her brother to wonder who else that left, Kat bit her tongue. Leave it to freaking Jeremy to be able to sniff out sex, for God’s sake. She walked backward away from him. “You’re an idiot. You know that, right?”

  “That wasn’t a denial,” he called, amusement plain in his tone.

  Kat flipped him the finger and kept on walking, though she was under no illusion that he’d let this go. Why were brothers such pains in the asses anyway?

  In the kitchen, a dozen or more people crowded around the breakfast bar—Ravens and Hard Ink folks alike—talking and laughing and chowing down on chili that Becca and Emilie had made earlier. With so many people working and living here now, they’d all been pitching in with the nonstop production of food, but Becca and Emilie were by far the best cooks among them. Kat couldn’t wait until it was Nick’s turn to make dinner; she’d already put in an order for sloppy Joes—his specialty.

  Nick saw her through the crowd and winked. She gave him a small smile, glad they’d been able to come to an agreement about her helping.

  Not seeing Marz, Kat made for the gym and found him in his usual spot. “Do you want to go eat with the others before we do this?” she asked.

  He took the laptop from her hands. “Thanks, but I’m gonna wait for Emilie to come back down so we can eat together.”

  Kat smiled. “Aw, aren’t you sweet?” She put a little sass in the words, but it was true. Marz was a total sweetheart, a good guy through and through.

  He patted his hand against his chest and smirked. “Heart of gold, baby. Heart. Of. Gold.”

  Laughing, Kat nodded. “Yeah, I know. All you guys do.”

  Marz indicated for her to enter the password to her laptop, and then he said, “Yep. Even Beckett.”

  She stepped back from the computer and gave him a frown. Why the hell had he said that? “Yeah, sure,” she said as nonchalantly as she could. Because, honestly, while she would give Beckett the benefit of the doubt on being a good person—he was here helping Nick, after all—she couldn’t begin to figure the guy out.