by Billy Taylor
“Whatever feeds your panda,” she replied. We prepared some noodles, as they’re quick and easy to make, and Ted and I ate them. Zac wasn’t hungry, so she got a chocolate milkshake from the fridge. Then we sat down and watched Zac’s film suggestion, The Bridge To Terabithia.
At first we thought it was a kids’ movie, and it kinda was. But as the film progressed it then decided to rip your heart out, just as she described. I believe it would have hurt less for someone to punch me throughout the entire length of the film than it would to watch it. I couldn’t stop crying, and there was no way to cover it up. Zac was sat on the edge of the sofa and her hair was covering her face so I couldn’t see if she was crying or not. When I checked on Ted, you would have thought someone had poured a bucket of water over his head he had been crying so much.
After the film finished Zac casually said in a cheerful manner, “So what did you think, Ted?”
Ted rose from his sofa and said, “I can’t believe you made us watch that, you cruel bastard.”
“You said you wanted a sad film.”
“Not one that was going to destroy my life!” He stormed away and headed towards his bedroom.
“Where are you going?” Zac asked.
“To sit and cry in my room alone!” he yelled.
Zac giggled and then she turned to me. “Aw, Will. Are you ok?”
I shook my head and just managed to say, “No.”
She patted my knee and said, “Will you be ok to drive me home? I can see you’re in an emotional state at this present moment.”
After about three or four attempts of me trying to talk I said, “Thirty minutes. Maybe thirty years. I’m not sure.”
February 2nd
“So who’s Zac, Will?”
“Hello, Mum. How are you?”
“I’m good. Who is this Zac girl? Is she your new girlfriend?”
“No, she isn’t my girlfriend. She is just a friend.”
“Ah, friend. So you’re just friends, if you know what I mean. Wink, wink.”
“No! And don’t ever say wink, wink again.”
“Hm. Rosie has evidence that says you’re more than just friends. Why else would Zac call her and ask if she’s your girlfriend?”
“When are we having dinner?”
“Aha, got you. Rosie is going to her friends up north somewhere for a week or two, and then when she gets back we were going to go to the coast for a few days. I was thinking we could all have dinner together on the twenty-eighth?”
“You haven’t got me. I’m ignoring what you’re saying about her. And ok, the twenty-eighth is fine with me. How long is Rosie staying for before she returns to America?”
“I’m not sure. She said she might go at the beginning of April. So you have plenty of time to see her before she leaves.”
“Ok. I’ll speak to you soon, Mum.”
“Ok. Love you. Bye.”
“Love you too. Bye.”
February 8th
Sundiscussion Topic:
Who would win in a fight between a T-Rex and Darth Vader?
“I’ve been meaning to ask this one for a while,” Ted said, and then he kicked us off with his opinion. “I’m going to go straight in and say the T-Rex. I don’t have an explanation as to why. It is just a gut feeling.”
I sulked as I pictured an actual fight between a T-Rex and Darth Vader. “I’d say Darth Vader,” I said. “His powers and his lightsaber would be no match for the T-Rex.”
“Ok. So it’s a tie. Zac, you’re the deciding vote,” Ted said, his focus moving onto Zac.
“I think they’d both die,” she said. Ted flapped his arms and sighed.
“Hold on,” I said. “Allow the lady to explain her theory.”
“Thanks, Will,” Zac said. She sat up and said, “I think before Darth Vader can react the T-Rex will just eat him, but while he’s being eaten he uses his lightsaber and swings frantically, tearing the inside of the T-Rex. And you may think he’ll climb out of the decapitated T-Rex or whatever, but I think he would die moments later because he will have been badly damaged by the T-Rex’s powerful jaws and huge-ass teeth.” Her beautiful blue eyes flicked over to me as she finished. She blinked a couple of times with a blank expression on her face.
Ted slapped his knee and sighed. “I think Zac has won this one, too.”
February 14th
“Are you getting Zac anything for Valentine’s Day?” Ted asked as we sat and ate our lunch on our sofas. We were having chicken nuggets.
“I’m sending some flowers to her apartment. I know we agreed that we wouldn’t be doing things like that, but she can’t not have at least some flowers sent to her on Valentine’s Day. She’s working, too, so I thought it might cheer her up.”
“Aw, little Willy is in love,” Ted teased.
“And here I was thinking we were going to have a sensible conversation,” I said.
“You should send her some lingerie.”
“I’m not sending her lingerie.”
“I knew you would say that, which is why I took the liberty of sending her some from you.”
I sat upright and stared across at Ted. “Please, tell me you’re joking,” I said, closing my eyes and hoping he was.
“Where is your wallet, Will?” he asked. My eyes immediately flicked over to my bedroom. I got up and walked over to it. I felt my jacket pockets, and my wallet was nowhere to be found. As I reentered the living room, Ted was holding up my wallet.
“Please, tell me you’re joking,” I said again.
“What is a number between thirty-one and thirty-three, Will? And what is the second letter of the alphabet?”
“Thirty-two and b,” I replied. And as I did so I shut my eyes and realised this definitely wasn’t a joke.
“Doesn’t 32B happen to be Zac’s bra size, Will?”
“Maybe,” I answered.
He picked up his laptop from the table and opened it to show me the order he had placed. “Did you know they do same-day delivery now? How amazing is that?”
“Oh, Ted, why?” I moaned.
“I’m doing you a very big favour here. You will be thanking me later.”
“Give me my wallet,” I said, snatching it from him. “What did you order?” I asked.
“Just four pairs of bras and panties, relax. Black, blue, green, and red. I think the red one will look nice.”
“This isn’t funny. She’s going to think I’m a lunatic.”
“I don’t know. I think it’s funny. But like I said, you shall be thanking me later.”
I threw numerous cushions at him before spending the rest of my day cautiously watching my phone, expecting her to ring me any second to yell at me for how weird this was in case Natalie called her and told her what had arrived for her. It got to about 8:00 p.m. She would be due home any minute according to the timetable she told me. And then at 8:17 p.m., as I lay on my bed, watching my phone charge, it started to ring.
“Hello.”
“Hello. It’s Zac.”
“I know. How are you?”
“I’m good. I just got home from work not long ago.”
“I see. How was work?”
“It was ok. So I got your flowers.”
“Oh good. Do you like them?”
“Yes, thank you. I also got your other gift.”
“Ah. Do you like those…?”
“They’re very nice. I’ve been meaning to buy some actually, but you know, I need money to do that.”
“Oh really? Well, it worked out conveniently then.”
“It did. So what are you doing right now?”
“I’m in my bedroom. How about you?”
“I’m outside your apartment door.”
“Are you?”
“Yep.”
I hung up the phone and exited my room to open my front door. And there she was, in her beanie, with her phone in her hands.
“Hi,” I said.
“Hello,” she said, walking past me and into my bedr
oom. “Although I am wearing your gift, I’m not here because you bought me underwear. Let’s make that very clear. Natalie has a guy around for dinner so instead of hiding away in my bedroom, I thought I would come here,” she said, poking her head from behind my bedroom door. I closed the apartment door and turned around in puzzlement. Ted was still sat on his sofa.
“Hi, how are ya?” he asked smugly.
“She just said she’s not here because of the bras and whatever else you bought her, so I’m not thanking you,” I replied as I walked into my bedroom and shut the door behind me.
February 20th
“I’m going to stay behind today. I have some other things that I need to do,” Ted said as I was putting my coat on, about to leave the office.
“Ok, man. Do you need me to stay behind with you or?”
“No, it’s fine. I was hoping you would leave me the car, though.”
“Ok, sure. I can walk home. Zac is at the apartment already as you know so she doesn’t need picking up.”
“Ok, thanks, Will.”
“So what is it that you need to stay behind and work on?” I asked.
He shrugged. “Bits of crap.”
I nodded. “Ok. Well, if you need me, call me, otherwise I’ll see you when you get back.”
“I will. See you later.”
I closed our office door behind me and then began to walk to the stairs. Jeremy was still sat at his desk as I did.
“Any plans for the weekend, Jeremy?” I asked.
“I have a date,” he replied.
“Who’s the lucky guy?”
“Some guy from the new gym I found. He’s an instructor there.”
“Nice! I hope it goes better than the last date you had with someone from the gym.”
“Thank you, Will. What are your plans for the weekend?”
“I’m just going to go home and put my feet up.”
“I wish I could do that, but my quest for true love prevents me from doing that without a man beside me.”
I smirked. “I understand. You can tell me if the instructor is that man on Monday.”
“I can. See you later, Will.”
“Bye, Jeremy.” I opened the doors and began to walk downstairs. When I reached the bottom of the staircase, my phone buzzed in my pocket. The screen flashed to show me that I had a missed call from Zac. So I called her back.
“Hey.”
“Hi. It’s Zac.”
“I know it is, I have your number saved.”
“Ok. Are you still working?”
“I’m about to walk back now. Ted is staying behind so he is keeping the car.”
“Ok. Could you pick me up a milkshake?”
“A milkshake?
“Yes.”
“What flavour?”
“Chocolate.”
“Ok. Chocolate milkshake, got it. Anything else?”
“No. That’s it, thanks.”
“Ok. I’ll see you soon with your milkshake.”
“Ok. Bye.”
“Bye.”
I picked up a couple bottles of chocolate milkshake for Zac and then returned to the apartment. I passed Zac a milkshake and then placed the other in the fridge.
“Thank you,” she said, opening it and taking a sip. I sat on the sofa after making some chicken and rice. Zac said she had already eaten. We watched a reality television show she insisted on watching. And during the final minutes of the fourth episode of the same show, two hours later, Ted entered the apartment and dropped onto his sofa with an ice pack on his right eye without saying a word.
Zac and I faced each other and frowned. “Did somebody punch you?” I asked him. He sighed and lowered the ice pack. His eye wasn’t black or bruised; his eye and cheek were just very red and flushed.
“Guys, I think I’m in love,” he said.
“With the guy who punched you?” Zac asked with a small smirk.
“No, of course not, you fool. With the girl who punched me. Well, it was more of a backhanded slap than a punch.”
“Why don’t you explain what happened to us? Before we think you’re weirder than you already are,” I said.
Ted sat up. “So, I was at the museum—”
“Wait, why were you at the museum? I thought you were staying behind to do some extra work?” I interrupted.
“I did, for like five minutes. But I thought I would give you two some space so you could have dinner together or whatever. So I decided to check out the museum. I got there at like five-ish and it was closing at six thirty, so that gave me plenty of time to have a wander around. I don’t know if you saw the article, but two guys went into the museum one time to examine an old pirate gun that they had on display there. And it’s rumoured that it led them to some form of treasure. So I thought I would go see this gun since the story sounded pretty cool. I also wanted to see the dinosaur section with all the fossils, but that was the farthest away section, meaning I had to walk through all the other sections anyway. The first couple of sections were about trains and old timepieces and other boring things so I quickly scanned them. And then the next section was much more interesting, it was a jungle, like the whole theme of the room was a jungle, apart from the floor. And it had sound effects playing, too, so you could hear rainfall and frogs and monkeys. In there it was talking about global warming, and how if we don’t act now then soon it will be too late and we’ll all die. As I was leaving that section, they have this automated monkey that senses your movement and screams and jumps towards you, and I nearly physically shit myself. Thankfully, there was no one around to see me freak out. Maybe the security man on the surveillance was laughing his head off watching me—”
“Ted, can you skip to the part where you were punched?” I interrupted again.
“Backhand slapped,” he corrected. “I found the gun and took a look at it. It appeared to be an ordinary old-fashioned gun. It didn’t seem anything special, but you know I couldn’t collect further information because it was in a glass display. I was pretty disappointed—”
“Ted.”
“Right, I’m in the dinosaur section, admiring a Diplodocus skeleton. No idea if it was real or not, but it appeared real. It wasn’t full scale, so I’m guessing it was the remains of a younger Diplodocus.” I nodded, and I could see Zac watching me and then turning her head to nod as if she knew what he was talking about. I was going to laugh at her, but Ted carried on talking. “And as I’m admiring the Diplodocus skeleton I can hear a tour guide explaining something about the foundations of the museum or whatever. She came from the opposite section I had come from, which means I must have walked around the museum the wrong way. Not that it really matters. She had her back to me and she was talking about one of the exhibits, but she wasn’t talking to anyone. Nobody. She was alone and going on about this exhibit. So she was either crazy or she worked there and was rehearsing her speech during the tour. I decided to guess the second option. But I kept my attention on the skeleton and decided to stay there and let her pass through. Anyway she stopped not that far away from me so I still don’t understand how she didn’t see me. Although I’m glad she didn’t. She was talking about the Diplodocus remains, and mentioned that the main person who discovered these remains was called Theodore. And obviously I’m stood there like ‘Hey, that’s my name!’ so I turn around naturally out of curiosity, to see the side of her goddess face, and two seconds later she backhand slaps me straight in the face.” He replicated the backhand as he spoke. “She was clearly trying to offer her hand to the skeleton, and she obviously had no idea I was stood there. Total accident. I took it well, though. I only said ‘Ouch’ and then placed a hand over my face.”
Zac and I glanced each other and began to snigger. “Hey, it bloody hurt! I could feel my eyes watering! She must have apologised three hundred times within the first minute to me. And I kept reassuring her that I was fine and she didn’t need to apologise, but she took me to the first aid room of the museum. She kept apologising as she frantically
searched for some wipes or something for my eye. She seemed to be more distressed than me. But she was explaining about how she had only been working there for two months and was about to take over the tour because the girl who did it before quit recently and unexpectedly. That was her third time around rehearsing and now she’d whacked someone in the face. She was in such a state of panic that she couldn’t open the wipe packet. I put my hand on her shoulder and told her to relax and take a deep breath because it was an accident. And then she told me her name was Autumn. And then I introduced myself. But she was unreal. Without question the hottest girl I’ve ever met. I think she must have been on holiday recently because her skin was tan. And it looked so soft and smooth. She had short brown hair, down to her chin, maybe a bit longer, I don’t know how to judge hair length. All I know is that it was short. But it was her eyes.” Ted wandered off for a moment as he gazed past Zac and me. “Her eyes. I can’t describe them. They were so… I don’t know—”
“I know what you’re trying to say, Ted,” I said, looking into Zac’s eyes, which made me feel the exact same way.
He rubbed his eye and continued, “She joked about the Theodore previously mentioned, which gained my attention in the first place, and I had to pretend that I hadn’t heard her. Anyway while I was heroically sat there with her lightly dabbing my eye with this wipe, I was thinking of a way to ask her out or see her again. Then I remembered I came in the car. So, I left it there and got a taxi home, which means I can go back there again tomorrow and see her. But she also gave me her number to call her tomorrow so she knew I was ok.”
I watched Zac as she pouted and pondered over Ted’s story. “Are you feeling ok then?” I asked.
“I’m fine! My eye stings, that’s it, no need to worry.”
“Ok good. We can go and pick up the car tomorrow.”
“Actually, no, Will. I was hoping Zac would come with me.”
“What? Why?”
“Because I’m going to take her on Autumn’s tour around the museum and then afterwards we can all chat and Zac can tell Autumn how amazing I am and that she should have dinner with me sometime. And then Will and I can go the day after if that doesn’t work.”
