Mutual Feelings

by Billy Taylor

  My phone started to buzz as we exited and made our way back to the car. Natalie was calling me, which I thought was strange. Maybe she was trying to call Zac, but her phone was on silent. Zac’s phone is always on silent.

  “Hi, Natalie.”

  “Will. I’ve been trying to call you! Where have you been?”

  “Sorry. Ted and I are out in the countryside so the signal isn’t great. What’s up?”

  “You need to come to hospital. Zac and Autumn were in a car crash.”

  “What? Are they ok?”

  “I don’t know. I’m in the waiting room waiting to find out now. But you need to come to the hospital, now.”

  “We’ll be right there.”

  Ted and I broke every speed limit possible as we drove to the hospital, and we arrived there twenty minutes later. We burst into the waiting room and found Natalie sitting there.

  “How are they?” I asked, rushing over to her.

  “Zac is fine. I just saw her, but I came back to here to wait for you,” she said. “And Autumn is being operated on. I don’t know why, but I think she is going to be ok.”

  I rubbed my face with my hands and dropped onto a chair across from her. “Can we see them?” I asked. My heart rate was beyond a normal level. I think it was beyond any possible level. I could feel every part of my pulse thumping and echoing around me.

  Before Natalie could answer, Zac’s mum appeared. “How is she?” I asked, rising to my feet. “Can I see her?”

  She put her hand on my forearm. “She is fine. Don’t worry. You can come and see her with me now.”

  “Do you know how Autumn is?” I asked. “Have you heard anything about her?”

  “No. I haven’t. I have been with Zac.”

  I took a deep breath and tried to compose myself. I turned back to Ted, who was blankly staring forward. “Ted,” I said.

  “Go,” he said. “Go and see her. I’ll text you if I hear anything about Autumn.”

  I nodded. “Ok.” Natalie, Mrs. Williams, and I walked through the ward for a few minutes and got into an elevator to the third floor. We turned left as we exited it. Then we turned left again into a smaller room.

  There were maybe ten hospital beds and I saw Zac on the third one, sitting with her legs crossed. She looked unharmed. She looked like her normal self. Her dad was sitting on a chair at the end of the bed. He was about to stand and most likely cause a scene and not let me see Zac, but Mrs. Williams told him to sit down and remain quiet. Which he did.

  When Zac saw me, she looked horrified. “What are you doing here?” she asked loudly.

  “What do you mean what am I doing here? You were in a car crash, Zac. I had to see that you’re ok.” I knelt down beside her and went to take hold of her hand, but she flinched and moved it away.

  “I’m fine. You don’t need to be here.”

  I opened my mouth, but I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t think she would react like this. I only wanted to see that she was ok. She looked so angry and frustrated with me. “I was worried about—”

  “I’m fine. Now go.”

  “Have I done something wrong?”

  “I don’t know why you’re here. I don’t want you to be here. So please leave now, Will.” She looked over at her dad and he stood from his chair, indicating that if I didn’t leave he would assist me.

  I got to my feet and looked down at Zac. “I just wanted to see that you were ok.” Zac didn’t even make eye contact with me. She was looking in the opposite direction. Natalie and Mrs. Williams were standing behind me. They looked slightly shocked and upset, too. But I presumed that was because of Zac being in hospital, not because of the way she had reacted to me being here. I forced a faint smile at them both, which they returned, and then walked back the way I came. I didn’t bother to say good-bye or try to stay. All I know is I felt broken as I left. I had no idea what had happened to her, or why she didn’t want to see me, and then she just told me to leave.

  When I returned to the waiting area, Ted was still sat there. I sat beside him and blankly stared forward. “Have you heard anything about Autumn?” I asked.

  He shook his head. “How’s Zac doing?”

  “She looked fine. She was sat on a hospital bed like nothing was wrong. Her mum said that they were waiting to run some final tests and scans on her. To make sure that all her vitals and everything were ok. And when I saw her she got so angry with me for being there, and she told me to leave…”

  “I’m sorry.”

  I could feel my bottom lip beginning to tremble. I wiped my eyes and sniffled my nose. He squeezed my shoulder and then sat back in his chair. “You should go home,” he said.

  “No, it’s fine.”

  “Go home,” he said again. “I’ll text you when I hear how Autumn is doing. I don’t want you sitting here all upset.”

  “Are you sure?” I asked.

  “They probably won’t let you see Autumn even if you do stay.” He said.

  “I know, but I still want to stay and find out if she is ok.” Ted took my hand and placed the car keys into them. “I’ll see you later.”

  “Ok. Please let me know how she is doing when you find out, please.”

  “I will.”

  I drove home and sat down on the sofa. A few tears rolled down my cheek as I did, and then five minutes later I fell asleep. And when I woke up, Zac was sat on the edge of the sofa, rubbing my shin.

  For a second I thought I was dreaming.

  “Hey,” she said.

  “Hi. How are you feeling?” I asked.

  “I’m ok. How are you?”

  “I’m ok. Have you seen Autumn?”

  She shook her head. “They wouldn’t let me in. Have you?”

  “No. Ted told me to go home and he would let me know if he heard anything. Did you see him?”

  “No.” She took off her beanie. “I wanted to come and talk to you about today, at the hospital, and about last night.”

  I sat up and made eye contact with her. Zac’s mood had completely changed compared to earlier. I scratched my head before saying, “We’ve basically merged into a relationship, Zac. I know it’s an unusual one, but I thought that’s what we had become. I’ve wanted to talk to you about it, but I could never find the right words. The way we have been recently is more than just sleeping together. I certainly know that. I want to be with you, and I thought you wanted to be with me. I don’t think there is anything scary about that. I know you’ve been hurt in the past, but if you’re worried about me hurting you or cheating on you, then you clearly know nothing about me… A relationship is just like coming home. That person is home. That’s all it is, Zac. And if that isn’t what you want, I don’t think I can see you anymore. As much as it hurt hearing that you kissed somebody else, I could get over that. That wouldn’t be a problem unless it became a reoccurring thing. But today, at the hospital, when I didn’t know what had happened to you… It could have been so much more serious. You could have… You could have… Something a lot worse could have happened. But you just dismissed me like I was nothing. And it felt like you’d forgotten about all the time we had spent together, and you didn’t care about me, the parts of my life and the people I have opened up to you about. And it felt like you didn’t care, and it felt like you had ripped out a part of me, and simply thrown it away. And I can’t begin to explain how much that upset me. So if being me with isn’t what you want, then I won’t be able to see you anymore. I can’t see you if you’re wanting or spending time with other people. My feelings for you are too strong. And if you don’t see other people, but want to continue doing whatever we’re doing, then I can’t do that either. Not if you can just dismiss me like you did at the hospital. I’d rather deal with the pain of not having you in my life than deal with the pain I’m going through now.”

  I wiped my eyes and remained still and facing forward. I didn’t know if I loved Zac or hated her. I didn’t know if I wanted to her to leave or to stay. “It’s been a long
day. Let’s get some sleep and we can talk about this tomorrow. I can’t think straight until I hear about Autumn,” I said.

  Zac got to her feet and said, “Ok.”

  She held out her hand for me to take it, but I declined. “I’m going to stay on the sofa tonight. I want to wait up for Ted.”

  Zac walked over to me. As I stared at the floor her socks came into view. She rested my head against her, and ran her hands through my hair. And then she placed me onto the back of the sofa, and she sat on my lap. She started to kiss my neck, and I looked up at her and our eyes met. I quickly picked her up and went into my bedroom. We got into bed and then I let her go and got out.

  “Good night, Zac,” I said, standing by my bedroom door before closing it behind me. I returned to my seating position on the sofa. The time on my phone read 10:38 p.m. It seemed so much later than it was. And the later it got, the more concerned I became. I stayed awake for another hour before I fell asleep again. I woke during the middle of the night at around 1:00 a.m. I quickly glanced at my phone and only saw the one on my phone’s clock.

  I could hear lots of smashing and breaking and yelling. The source of the commotion appeared to be coming from Ted’s bedroom. My heart started to race because I thought someone might have broken in or was trying to break in. I raced into my bedroom to check that Zac was ok. She was fast asleep. Undisturbed.

  I closed my bedroom door and then walked over to Ted’s bedroom. He should have been home by now. I had to push open the door, as there was something stacked behind it. And when I opened the door and stepped inside, I could see Ted standing there, yelling and crying and throwing things against his wall. His room was turned completely upside down. It looked as if a tornado had torn through only moments ago.

  After a few seconds he noticed me standing there and stopped. He started crying even harder. “She didn’t make it…” He wiped the tears off his cheeks, but they were replaced by more immediately after. “When Autumn’s mum finally appeared and told me how she was doing, she told me that they were just about to turn off the life support machine. That I had two minutes to say good-bye. She just looked like she was asleep. My beautiful girlfriend just sleeping. She had some bandaging on her head. That was it. She looked as beautiful as when I first saw her. They said… said that she hit her head too hard during the impact. Her side took the full force of the crash, and there was too much swelling on her brain. There was nothing they could do. Two fucking minutes to say good-bye. I thought they were joking. I thought it was a joke. And then I saw all the doctors gathered around her and all the machines she was hooked up to. I didn’t know what to say to her. I couldn’t stop crying. I just told her I loved her and told her to wake up. I thought she was going to wake up any second and tell me that she was ok and that she loved me, too. And that everything was going to be ok. And then just like that she was gone. I’d lost her. My beautiful angel taken away from me. I don’t know what to do, Will. Why isn’t she here?”

  Ted screamed and then he continued to smash anything he could get his hands on. I stood there crying, watching him, before I walked over and wrapped my arms around him.

  He struggled to break free, but my grip didn’t budge. And then he stopped struggling. He cried and yelled into my shoulder as I cried and kept my arms around him. “Tell me this isn’t real, Will. Please tell me this isn’t real,” he repeated.

  I don’t know how long we were stood there. It could have been minutes. It could have been hours. Ted was so exhausted that he just collapsed in my arms. I cleared up the mess on his bed the best I could and then put him in it. As I exited his bedroom, I saw Zac stood like a statue in the living room. She saw me crying and she instantly knew then what had happened. She placed her hands over her face and then she started to cry. I paced over and put my arms around her and I started crying even more. She sobbed into my chest and let out a loud cry. I took her to my sofa and rested her on me. I couldn’t think of a word to say to make any of this better. Every inch of me was in pain. I was numb. I couldn’t imagine what Ted was going through, how he must be feeling. And I couldn’t stop thinking about Zac and how she was feeling.

  I tightened my grip around her and held her close to me. Zac exhausted herself like Ted and she fell asleep on me, too, leaving me sat there with her in my arms, staring forward. I glanced over at the clock and it read 4:26am, and the next time I glanced over to it, it read 8:08am. I rubbed my face with my hand, then picked up Zac, carried her into my bedroom and placed her into bed. I woke up three hours with Zac lying on me, her head resting on my chest. She lifted her head and stared up at me. Her beautiful blue eyes were red from crying.

  NEW MESSAGE FROM TEDS DAD

  I’m so sorry to hear about Autumn. We adored her so much. Do not worry about work. Jeremy will take over. Take as much time off as you need. The new flavour project is on hold until your return. Please take care of yourself and my son. Everyone sends you their love.

  I got up and made Zac and I a smoothie. I just tried to find something to do for a second to take my mind off Autumn. But it didn’t work. I brought them to my bedroom, and Zac and I sat on the edge of the bed.

  She stared down at her smoothie and had a sip. “About us,” Zac said.

  “We don’t have to talk about that now,” I replied.

  “I need to.”

  “Ok.”

  “I need some time. Time to think about Autumn, and time to think about you. Just give me a few weeks and I can talk to you. But please wait until I contact you first.”

  “Whatever you need, it’s yours.”

  “I just need some time,” she whispered, her eyes tearing up again. “I can’t believe she’s gone. I’m never going to see her again.” She put down her smoothie and then she started to cry. She put her arms around me and cried into my neck.

  I held her for a few minutes and cried myself before I asked her if she wanted to go home. And she said she did. So we got up and packed her things, and then I drove her home.

  I walked her inside and we stopped outside her apartment door. “Do you want me to come in?” I asked.

  She was looking down at my feet, and she shook her head. I stepped forward and kissed her forehead, covered by her beanie, and then held her in my arms for a few minutes. I stepped back and was about to say good-bye before she placed a hand on the back of my neck, pulled me in, and kissed me. It seemed before the kiss had even started, it was ending, and she was closing her apartment door behind her.

  I watched it for a moment, in hope she would open it again, but she didn’t. So I began to walk back to the car. Then I could hear her crying. I stopped and returned my sight to her apartment door. My whole body started to tremble because I knew I couldn’t go back there and put my arms around her and hold her and let her know that I loved her. But I had to walk away. I felt so helpless, and I started to cry as I forced myself to walk away.

  April 14th

  “Let’s go,” I said to Ted. He put on his black suit jacket and nodded. I opened the apartment door and allowed him to walk through it first. I closed the door behind us and we began to walk downstairs.

  I watched him as he walked downstairs, his head staring down at his feet. He hadn’t said a word since that day. Not one. Losing Autumn has been so hard on everyone. But I know this has destroyed Ted. And I don’t know if he will ever recover from this.

  Ted stared at the car door as I unlocked the car. He didn’t open it. He just looked at it. I walked around to his side, opened the door, and helped him into his seat. I got into the driver’s seat and placed the key into the ignition. I waited to see if Ted was going to put on his seatbelt. He didn’t. I told him to do it three times before I leant over and did it for him.

  I drove us to the church, unclipped Ted’s seatbelt, and helped him out of the car. The church was already full when we walked in. Everyone was there, Autumn’s family, friends, Ted’s parents, Natalie, and Zac. Ted and I walked to the second row and took our seats. And then I switched off. I
could say it was a lovely ceremony, and that everyone said such caring and loving words about her, but I honestly don’t know what anyone said. I couldn’t believe that this was Autumn’s funeral. I keep thinking that it was a dream, and any second I was going to snap out of it, and I was really sat on my sofa with Zac as we sat and talked about today’s Sundiscussion with Ted and Autumn. This isn’t real. She isn’t really gone.

  Autumn became such a big part our lives, and we all loved her, and now we were losing a member of our family. It’s too hard to understand.

  Ted and I were one of the last few people seated in the church. The sound of everyone leaving the church switched me on again. Everyone was leaving to bury Autumn’s coffin. Ted and I got to our feet and followed them. Ted and I stood together as they lowered Autumn into her grave. He looked so empty and lost. I saw Zac and Natalie amongst everyone. Zac was crying. And I had to fight everything inside of me to not go over to her. They didn’t come over to us or say hello afterwards. They left like everyone else.

  Ted and I were the last ones stood around Autumn’s grave. Her parents stayed for a long time, too. But they left us alone after a while.