Gold Standard

by Kyell Gold

  They were, he told himself firmly, and besides, I was never attracted to other guys. I never wanted to sleep with Sal.

  Oh no? the voice mocked him. What about that time at camp when you got him to go skinny-dipping?

  That wasn’t.

  Or the time you slept over at his place and managed to work it so you were in the same bed?

  I was nine!

  Or the time.

  Stop!

  He pressed his paws to his eyes, feeling the dampness leak out through the pressure in his head. Was it.could it be? Could it be that he wasn’t upset about Jenny dumping him, not because he didn’t love her, but because he didn’t like girls? That the signs had been there his whole life that there had been this thing inside him, and he’d never known? He wished he’d never met the fox, never gone to the municipal pool.

  He would find out how to fight this. The dream was just a dream. As the pearly light of morning crept through his windows, he decided to go see Father Joe.

  The church was very different on Saturday morning. Empty of the Sunday crowds, it felt larger and more imposing, yet at the same time more personal because he was the only one there. Father Joe wasn’t anywhere about, so Kory took a moment to look around.

  He’d never been in the church by himself. For years, it was just the place where he was dragged every Sunday. In the last two years, he’d begun to see what his mother saw in it, a repository of strength for the troubled, guidance for wanderers, love for all. He rarely acknowledged it, because none of his friends talked about church except to lament the loss of a Sunday morning or to cut short a Saturday night. Now, standing alone in the light of the stained glass and beatific muzzles, he felt their love focused on him. He looked up to the rafters far above and took a moment to fortify himself. They will help me, he thought. This is my trial.

  Towards the front of the church, he found a sign that showed the way to Father Joe’s offices. They were actually in a small building beside the church, he discovered when he followed the signs and found himself outside. He knocked on the door and heard the sheep’s cheery, “Come in.”

  Father Joe smiled and motioned for him to sit down. Warily, Kory did, taking the small stool closest to the modest desk, reading Father Joe’s name on the simple nameplate. The crucifix on the wall to his left depicted a Dall sheep Jesus, but the portrait opposite was a popular rendition of Jesus Lion, with the medieval-style halo and a tear visible on the tawny cheek ruff.

  “How are you, Kory?” The priest moderated his booming voice to the small quarters of the office.

  His idea that Father Joe might want to take advantage of him seemed ridiculous now, in this placid and proper setting. “I’m okay,” he said automatically, and then said, “well, not really.” Fatigue pulled his shoulders down; he slumped in the chair, confused about what to say next.

  “Want to tell me about your dream?”

  “No.” He couldn’t talk about that with anyone, not yet. He had to start somewhere, though. “I want your help. I want to fight it.”

  The sheep’s large yellow horns bobbed sympathetically. “Why don’t you tell me what’s been going on?”

  “I met this guy.this fox.I want to stay friends with him, but I keep thinking.see, he told me he’s.you know.” He hissed in frustration, one webbed paw squeezing the chair arm. “He’s, you know, he doesn’t like girls.”

  “He’s gay,” Father Joe said.

  Kory met his eyes, seeing no judgment there, nothing but understanding. “Yeah. So anyway, he, uh, I really like talking with him, but not.”

  “Did he make a pass at you?”

  “No. Well, sort of, the first day we met, but not like touching or anything.”

  “Are you worried that he will?”

  “No.” He looked at the sheep, begging him to figure it out so he wouldn’t have to say the words.

  Father Joe inclined his head slightly. “Are you worried he might `turn you gay’?”

  Kory squirmed in the chair, looking away from Father Joe, but that turned him toward the crucifix, which was no better. “No. I mean, I keep thinking.but it’s not his fault, I know people are just born that way.”

  “Do you think you might be gay?”

  There it was. He looked in the other direction, at the Lion on the wall. “I still like girls,” he said defiantly.

  “Kory,” Father Joe said gently. “This is a confusing time of life for you, and a confusing issue to be dealing with.”

  “I don’t want to deal with it,” he snapped. “I want to fight it. I know what the Church says.”

  The sheep’s horns bobbed again. “I know what the Church’s official position is. I also know how I want to minister to my flock.” He reached into his desk and pushed a small card across the desk. “I happen to hold out hope that the Church will moderate its views. In the meantime, these people can help you out. It’s a Catholic group. I know David.” He tapped the card. “He used to be a priest. He felt he could better serve by leaving the Church, though it was a hard decision for him. He’s a good wolf.”

  Kory stared at the card. He could read the words Dignity/USA on it, but nothing else from his position on the chair. He made no move to pick it up. “You’re supposed to tell me I’m going to hell if I give in.”

  “Yes, I suppose, but if you knew that, you wouldn’t have needed to come see me.” The sheep looked shrewdly at him. “You came here to ask my help, and it may not be what you wanted to hear, but it’s the best I can do. In this day and age, it’s not a crime to be gay. The best thing you can do is find out whether the Lord made you that way. Popular culture gives us all sorts of ideas that might be right for us or they might not. It might just be that in meeting a gay person for the first time, you’re curious about what it’s like. Or it could be that for the first time, you’re opening yourself to something that’s been hidden in you all along. What’s important is that you find out what God’s plan for you is. Remember the Gospel of John?” He grinned when Kory shook his head. “Upon seeing a blind man, the disciples asked Jesus whether the man was blind because of his sins, or the sins of his parents, and Jesus told them it was neither, that he was blind `that the works of God may be made manifest in him.’ Jesus was saying that his affliction was not a punishment but a part of God’s plan.”

  “But doesn’t that mean that it’s something I should fight? I mean, don’t blind people want to see?”

  “They do, but sight may not be granted to them. In that case, of course, it was; Jesus healed the man and restored his sight. But I don’t think homosexuality is an affliction.” Kory winced at the word. “Yes, God does set trials for us. But I believe God loves us, and the trials he sets for us are designed to make us better people. I have seen the ordeals some people go through trying to fight their own nature. I do not believe that those trials are set by God.”

  “Then why would He do this to me?” Kory hated to hear himself whine, usually.

  “It is not for us to know God’s plan,” Father Joe said. “It is for us to live the best we can. Please take the card, Kory. They can help you more than I will be able to.”

  Kory reached out and took the card in his fingers. It had a name and a web URL on it. He slipped it into a pocket and stood up. “Thanks, I guess,” he said. He’d been hoping for more, something definite, something supportive, rather than just vague `we can’t know what God wants for us.’

  “One more thing, Kory. I just want you to hear again: God loves us. Maybe this is His way of showing you love.”

  Unable to think of a response other than to repeat his thanks, Kory did so, and walked out.

  Sal had invited him out to celebrate the end of his grounding, but he put him off `til dinner. He wanted to be away from people he knew, and in the water. Samaki worked Saturday afternoons, so the municipal pool would be safe. Rather than swimming and racing through the lanes, he floated on his back with his paws behind his head and closed his eyes. Here, it was peaceful, and with his ears under the water, h
e couldn’t hear the shrieking of the guppies running around. The water helped settle his thoughts, helped him organize and sort through them. He kicked lazily off of one wall, paddled gently to the other, turned around without using his arms, and kicked off again. For over an hour he drifted back and forth, tail waving lazily in the water below him.

  He couldn’t believe that Father Joe hadn’t offered to help him fight. It was wrong, he knew it was wrong, and it was wrong of him to want it.

  Wasn’t it?

  The black fox’s image floated before his eyelids. He hadn’t pressured Kory at all, except with his eyes, and his sleek black form, and that tempting patch of white fur.and that long, fluffy tail that begged to be stroked and held. It didn’t feel wrong; it was the fact that he wanted it and knew it was forbidden.but why was it forbidden, exactly?

  Samaki would, presumably, not mind. And Kory had finally admitted that he wanted to try. So what was he afraid of? God? Maybe, at first, but after talking to Father Joe, he wasn’t so sure. His friends? They didn’t have to know. Nick? Nick wouldn’t care. His mother? Yeah, his mother would freak. If she knew. But since turning about eleven, had he let that stop him from doing anything?

  He opened his eyes and stared up at the blue and white tiled ceiling, fifteen feet above his head. Could it be that simple? He could just try it once. He could try it, and then the dreams and the images would go away. And if they didn’t.he would deal with it then.

  The tiles of the ceiling seemed to come into sharp focus. Had he just decided to sleep with another guy? It had happened so smoothly and quickly that he hadn’t even been aware of the decision; he’d just turned around from the other side to find himself looking back across the line. What surprised him, too, was how the tension had drained from his body, as though he were one with the water. He dropped his arms to his sides, felt the eddies ruffle his fur as his arms slid downward. Sleep with Samaki. Well, not necessarily that; at least let himself go a little further than just touching paws. He rolled the idea around in his mind, getting used to it, finding that the shivers of wrongness were fading. It didn’t have to be anything sexual, even, come to that. Just hugging, maybe. He’d give the fox a hug.

  Yeah, right. He snorted at himself. At least, he felt, it was important to draw the line between experimenting and actually being gay. He just wanted to experiment. Nothing wrong with that.

  Having made the decision, though, he found that it was unexpectedly difficult to work out how to carry it out. Because of his clumsy protestation of heterosexuality, he felt embarrassed enough; on top of that, how was he to initiate anything in the first place? He tried to recall how things had started with Jenny, and was annoyed to find gaps in his memory. They’d gone to the movies, something they’d done many nights before, but that night, they’d kissed, and groped. After that it was natural that the next time his mom was away, Jenny would come over and they would go further.

  What had happened at that dinner? Or just after? He couldn’t remember. The time had just been right. Or maybe she’d made the first move. He tried to picture scenarios in his head, but each one seemed more awkward and bumbling than the last. When he realized that his thoughts were getting to the point where his swimsuit wasn’t hiding them very well, he got out of the water and walked slowly home.

  There was a message from Samaki, of course. It had arrived right after Kory’d left to see Father Joe, and he hadn’t checked before heading to the pool. He smiled, reading it. The fox didn’t ask if things were still okay in so many words; he talked about what a fun night he’d had and how his mom would be happy to have Kory over the following Friday night if he still wanted to come. That last part made Kory write back right away. Of course I still want to come, silly, he said. I’m pretty sure as long as I’m not grounded I can come.

  The problem wasn’t that he wouldn’t be allowed to come over, the problem was that he wouldn’t be allowed to stay over. It’d be easier if they had time, if they didn’t have to separate by ten. Then he wouldn’t be rushed into doing more than he wanted to. He thought about that while doing homework, and then chatted with Samaki for a couple hours after dinner about the second Foundation book, the one in which the Mule shows up and messes up all of Seldon’s predictions. Only once did the previous night’s topic come up, when Kory assured Samaki that everything was cool, even though they wouldn’t be double-dating anytime soon. He said it jokingly, but Samaki responded seriously that if they both had dates, he wouldn’t mind going out with Kory and his date, and Kory said that of course that would be cool, he just meant they wouldn’t both be dating females (or males). Then he felt flushed, because Samaki seemed a little hurt, and also because that wasn’t precisely what Kory had meant, so he changed the subject.

  Sunday he went to a movie with Sal, the Schwarzenotter one for real this time. It was nice to sit with his friend and watch the film and push his other concerns temporarily away. They walked out of the movie laughing about it. After the movie, while swimming at Sal’s house, only twice did Kory glance at his friend and think, wow, nice body. How many times had he thought that without realizing what it meant? The thought made him uncomfortable, so he pushed it away.

  They talked about school, and about Debbie, but when Sal asked about Samaki, Kory steered the conversation away. That didn’t stop him thinking about the fox, though, especially when Samaki called him on his cell phone in the middle of the conversation. He took the call without thinking about it, then realized where he was and told the fox he’d call him back later. The next time the phone rang, he just turned the ringer off, a little annoyed that Samaki was calling again.

  He arrived home to find his mother and a cold dinner in the kitchen. “Kory, are you aiming to get grounded again?”

  “No!” He checked the time. “Sorry, I’m a little late, but.”

  “I tried to call and you didn’t answer your phone.” She had her arms folded, which was always a bad sign. If she had her paws on her hips, you were okay.

  “I didn’t hear it,” he protested, and then remembered the call he’d shut off. Uh-oh.

  “What did I tell you about the phone?”

  He sighed. “Always make sure I can hear the ring. Always pick up if you call. I’m sorry, Mom. I really didn’t hear it. We were in a loud place and I didn’t think.”

  She put her paws on her hips. “All right, Kory. Cold dinner will be your punishment. Then get right to your room and finish up your homework.”

  It was already done, but he didn’t tell her that. He’d just gotten an idea. “Hey, Mom,” he said as he walked into the kitchen, “Samaki’s mom invited me to dinner this Friday. May I go?”

  She considered that while he sat down at the table. “I suppose so. I’ll call her and find out when I should drop you off.”

  “Thanks, Mom.” He took a bite of the cold mackerel and peas. “This is really good.”

  She sighed. “Oh, let me heat that up for you.” She whisked his plate away and tossed it in the microwave. “Don’t chew your claws,” she said as he put a paw to his muzzle to cover his grin.

  After dinner, Kory went to his room and called Samaki. He told him that he’d be coming to dinner and that their mothers would be talking, and they went on chatting for over an hour. Eventually, the fox had to go get his homework done; working most of the weekend didn’t leave him much time. Kory stripped to his boxers, feeling glad and guilty that he didn’t have to go to work. He swam a couple laps before surfacing in his brother’s room.

  “Hey, Nick.”

  Nick looked up from his television. Kory didn’t want a TV in his room, but Nick had pestered their mother for nearly two years until she finally broke down and gave him one. He had on some extreme sports show where a snow leopard was racing down a hill on what looked like a toothpick. “Hey, Kory,” he said, turning the sound down and raising his eyebrows in mild surprise. “What’s up?”

  Kory floated on his back in the water, looking up at Nick’s posters. He had sports figures on his wal
ls, and Kory knew that in one drawer of his dresser was the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated: Otters from a year ago. He turned his head to look at Nick. “Remember those pictures Sal gave me that I wouldn’t let you see?”

  “Yeah?” Cautiously more interested, Nick slid to the floor and lay on the towel that he’d spread out there, facing Kory. The towel was wrinkled and stained, and hadn’t been washed in a while. Kory was always surprised his mother allowed that, and that Nick could stand it.

  “How’d you like to see `em?”

  “Yeah! I.what do you want me to do?”

  “You got plans for this Friday night?”

  “Uh-uh.”

  Kory spun lazily in the water. “I’ll give you ten bucks to go see a movie and stay out past curfew.”

  “You’re bribing me to be grounded?” Nick’s tail curled up.

  “Kind of.”

  “Make it twenty.” Nick grinned as Kory stared at him. “I gotta buy popcorn. And a drink.”

  “Fifteen.”

  “Aw, Kory, that’ll only buy a ticket and popcorn.”

  Kory sighed. “All right, all right. Twenty.”

  “Cool.” Nick lifted himself up onto his elbows. “Why? What’cha got goin’ on?”

  “Oh, nothin’,” Kory said. “I just want Mom to be worried about you and not me.”

  “Why? What are you gonna be doing?” Nick squinted. “Am I gonna get in more trouble after Mom finds out what you’re doing?”

  “No,” Kory said. “I’m going over to a friend’s for dinner and I.I don’t want Mom to pick me up at eleven. I just wanna hang out longer. She won’t leave if you’re not home. You know how she worries.”