Irrefutable

by K. A. Berg

  I slide down next to him, thankful not much glass made it back to this side of the room and wrap him up in a hug. Jordan’s arms immediately drop and wrap around me. His fingers dig into my arms as he wails into the crook of my neck. He holds on to me so tightly I feel suffocated, which probably isn’t half of the pain he feels. My silk blouse sticks to my neck and shoulder as Jordan’s tears saturate it.

  “Let it all out,” I whisper to him as I run my hands up and down his back in comfort.

  We sit there on the cold, uninviting hardwood in his dark, depressing dining room for what feels like hours. Nothing about the room is comforting. This is the last place Jordan should be right now.

  “Come on, let’s get out of these clothes and get in bed,” I suggest. “It’s been a long day.” The soft blue of his bedroom walls will make for a much better background than the deep red in here. It may sound stupid, but I feel like color always affects your mood. If you’re sad or angry, darker colors tend to add to your bad mood. Brighter, softer colors can help lift you up, pulling you from the darkness.

  Jordan nods and pushes up from the floor, pulling me with him. I lead him through the kitchen, avoiding the glass mess this way, toward his bedroom.

  “You coming back?” he asks, his voice gravelly and vulnerable.

  “Of course,” I smile. “If that’s what you want.” He asked the same thing last night and the night before too. Jordan and I have never shared a bed until three nights ago. He didn’t want to be alone, and I couldn’t blame him.

  I cross the hallway to my room and quickly change out of my black dress, opting for my fun, pink Victoria’s Secret sweatpants and a white tank. Bright colors, brighter mood. I reach into my drawer for a pair of my favorite fuzzy socks and then head back to Jordan’s room.

  As I enter, I find Jordan sitting on the side of his bed now wearing a pair of sweatpants and a white t-shirt. His head rests in his hands until he hears me make my way further into the room. A pair of red, tear-swollen brown eyes look up at me and I wish I could do something—anything—to take his pain away. Jordan never hurt anybody. He’s good people. He doesn’t deserve this.

  I crawl up onto the bed and sit back against the headboard. It takes only a few seconds before Jordan follows suit. But instead of lying next me, he lays his head down in my lap and cries.

  “It’s not fair, Quinn,” he sobs. “I knew this was coming, but we were supposed to have more time. I know deep down he knew his time was coming and didn’t say anything. I should’ve noticed he wasn’t doing well. Why would he hide it? I had so much left to ask him. So much left to tell him. Why? Why him? There are many people out there who deserve to die a horrible death, but he wasn’t one of them.”

  I can’t agree with him more. People like my father, child molesters, and murderers get to live among the rest of us while the good are gone. Now I understand the saying “Only the good die young” much better.

  “I know, sweetie,” I try to comfort him. “He was such a wonderful man and the world won’t be the same without him.”

  His entire body rises and falls as he takes deep breaths trying to calm himself down. My fingers run through his short hair as he tries to gain some composure. It doesn’t take long for his breathing to even out as he falls into a deep sleep. The alcohol and stress from the day finally pulling him under.

  Staring down at him, I wonder how the hell I’m going to tell him about everything I’ve been keeping from him. Saying goodbye to Martin was hard, even for me. But it also taught me something. We never know how long we have here in this life. We only get one shot. Jordan deserves to live life to the fullest. Marrying me will keep him from having that. Doubts have been plaguing me for days leading up to the wedding, and now I know I can’t do this. He deserves the kind of love his father wanted him to experience. A true, soul-gripping kind of love. I can’t give him that. All I’m going to do is drag him down. Who knows if it’s already too late to keep him from being in the line of fire when it comes to my father?

  I’ve held up my end of the deal. We gave Martin the peace he was looking for. There’s no reason to keep Jordan tangled in this web of lies and blackmail. He no longer has a horse in this race.

  But how do I tell him I’ve been lying and keeping things from him? We’ve always been upfront about everything, and I know he’s going to be mad I didn’t tell him this. As a friend, he’s going to be hurt, but as a businessman he’s going to be pissed. I didn’t give him all the risks up front.

  I take in the redness around his eyes and nose, evidence of the pain he’s already feeling. I don’t want to add to it, but I know I don’t necessarily have a choice. I have to tell him the truth. I’ve betrayed his trust by keeping this from him. He should’ve had the choice to back out.

  How the hell do I get myself out of this fucking mess without hurting anyone?

  Chapter Five

  Alex

  “How did she seem today?” I ask Ashley as soon as she makes her way down the back staircase of her home leading into the den. They got back from the funeral about an hour ago, and when I showed up twenty minutes ago, Tanner told me she was upstairs feeding the baby and putting her down for a nap. It’s felt like an eternity waiting for her to finish.

  I spent the morning waiting for her call telling me she and Tanner were on their way back from the funeral. Tiffany threatened to duct tape me to a chair on several occasions if I didn’t sit still. I wanted nothing more than to be there for Quinn today, but my presence would’ve only made things harder for her.

  Plus, if we’re being completely honest, despite wanting to be the shoulder she leans on, I’m still angry at her. She still owes me a lot of answers. Frankly, it hurts to be near her and having no idea what’s haunting her makes it much harder. We’re going to have to have a heart to heart soon because this hot and cold running through my body when it comes to her is enough to drive anyone to the brink of insanity. Just when I convince myself I’m done with her, I get sucked back in and my feelings take over my rationale.

  Just a few days ago, I was close to getting through to her, and she was considering changing her mind about marrying Jordan. Then she was gone. To be by his side.

  Jealousy isn’t something I should be feeling toward Jordan right now. His father just passed away, and he deserves nothing but my sympathy. But it’s hard. He has my girl. Again.

  “She looked tired and worn out but okay,” Ashley answers. Images of Quinn from a few days ago flash in my mind. The shocked look when she saw me walking through her door. The pure agony on her face as she fought with herself over what she should do. I could tell she didn’t want to hurt Jordan or provoke her father. It was also clear this was slowly killing her. She was terrified of all the possible outcomes.

  I have to assume Jordan’s father dying is only adding to her stress. She can’t exactly back out now if she wants to. One, she would look like a heartless bitch if she broke it off with him after his father died on their wedding day. And two, she wouldn’t do that. The old Quinn who didn’t let people get close to her, would’ve been out at the first sign of trouble. This Quinn let him in. She won’t abandon the people she loves when they need her, and I’ve seen firsthand how far she’ll go to help someone.

  Quinn never left Ashley’s side after her accident even though Ashley was a huge bitch to her. Day after day, she endured everything Ashley dished out at her, most of it unjustifiable, but she never turned her back. It killed her inside. Seeing her friend so hurt upset her and Ash’s lash outs just made it worse. I’d told her to put Ashley in her place many times, but she was always worried of the backlash.

  Until one day Quinn exploded. The explosion caused Ashley to wake up and smell the coffee and things ended happily-ever-after, but Quinn lost herself for a little bit. It took her a while to come back but she’d been happy to do it because Ashley needed her even though she wouldn’t admit it.

  Ashley sighs as she takes a seat on the couch and curls into Tanner. “She didn’t lea
ve Jordan or Diana’s sides the entire time. I didn’t really see her speak to anyone other than them and the director. I barely got a nod and smile as a greeting from her. It looked to me like she was trying to hold everything together for them.”

  I glance at Tanner because it sounds like Ashley is describing Tanner at their son’s funeral. Tanner got through that day by focusing on making sure everyone else was okay. Regardless of all the anguish and pain he was feeling inside himself. It’s completely different, yet the same.

  “She’s doing what she has to so she doesn’t fall apart,” Tanner adds in. He must have been able to see something in my eyes when I looked to him. A need for reassurance that Quinn is okay?

  My imagination wanders to torturous images of doing what she needs to. I haven’t been celibate since we broke up, and I don’t think Quinn has been either, but I certainly don’t want to be thinking about it in detail. Will she lose herself in Jordan to get through all this stress? Everything just seems to keep piling on top of her.

  “What if this brings a new level of intimacy to their relationship that wasn’t there before? Regardless of how she was feeling the other morning, things have changed for her. She does love him, and she’s as loyal as they come. She’s not going to leave him now.”

  Tanner and Ash both look at me funny, so I elaborate for them. “People bond over terrible things all the time. It’s not unheard of. And with everything Quinn is dealing with mixed with what Jordan is now going through, it’s entirely possible things could turn romantic. Two people seeking comfort in each other. They’re essentially alone in this battle with Quinn’s dad, and Jordan losing his father just cranks up the emotion.”

  Ashley immediately shakes her head no. “I have no idea what’s going on with the two of you, but I don’t think it matters either way. Quinn isn’t that woman anymore. At least that’s what she told me, and I believe her.”

  I remember Ashley telling me Quinn claimed she didn’t indulge herself in sex like she used to. Quinn told her she had grown up. And she wasn’t sleeping with Jordan. I didn’t know she actually believed her. “You do?”

  “I do,” she repeats. “She’s not sleeping with Jordan.”

  Ashley seems sure, but I’m not. Quinn brings out this side of me I don’t like. I haven’t had to see her face to face this much since we broke up. Distance was great for fooling myself I was fine without her. Seeing her, hearing her, being near her, it brings it all back and I don’t like it. I hate this pull I have to her, but I fucking love it too. I love the connection we have. I love the way she looks at me when she’s letting me in.

  “God,” I grunt out in frustration. “I hate this rollercoaster that comes along with her. I hate feeling like this. I should hate her. But I can’t. No instead I want to save her. But for what? For her to run from me again? To finally break me? There’s no guarantee with her ever. And now she’s turned me into a raving lunatic. I’m not the insecure guy waiting to be dumped, but she’s turned me into him. Why do I want to do this to myself again?”

  “Because you love her,” Tanner answers. “Because she’s worth it. You just have to wait out the storm. It won’t last forever, and there’s paradise waiting for you on the other side.”

  “Wait,” I huff. “Waiting for the next obstacle to pop up. Waiting for her to make a decision. Waiting for her to stay or run. I’m not sure how much more waiting I have left in me.”

  “You have more left in you than you think you do. When it comes to the woman you love, you can wait out anything standing in your way. The question you need to figure out is if that’s the way you really do love her or just the way you think you do.” The look in Tanner’s eyes as he makes his comment draws my attention. It’s a look that speaks of no regrets and unconditional love when it comes to his wife. He doesn’t regret the absolute hell he went through to get his girl back when she shut him out of her life completely and blamed him entirely for the death of their unborn son.

  At one time, I did love Quinn unconditionally. I’d have gone to hell and back for her, but she broke my heart and my trust. I’m not at a place yet to say whether or not my love or trust can be rebuilt. I won’t know until I get the whole truth from Quinn.

  I promised myself I would get the answers from her I needed to move on, or we were going to work on us and move forward together. But now is not the best time to get into what I need without completely pushing Quinn too far.

  For now, I’ll have to settle for helping her through this because of the love I used to have for her and hope it’s enough to keep me going until we make some progress. I just hope it doesn’t do too much damage to me in the process.

  It’s hard getting myself into this without any assurance from her. But I guess we all do crazy things in the name of love.

  Chapter Six

  Quinn

  Tonight’s dinner invite from Ashley couldn’t have come at a better time. I haven’t really had the chance to speak with her since the rehearsal dinner. I know she and Tanner were at the wake and the funeral, but there was no time to talk to her. She’s sent a few thoughtful texts, knowing I needed time to myself. But she also seems to know when I need people too.

  Jordan went back to work this week—only a week after his father passed away. I didn’t think it was the best of ideas, but Jordan made some compelling points I couldn’t argue with.

  “I can’t sit around knowing there’s how much has to be done at the office,” he explained when asked what the rush was. “And I need something to occupy my mind other than the fact he’s not coming back.”

  “Jordan, I think you need more time,” I tried to convince him. “Going into the office and knowing he’s not coming in and he’s not a phone call away is going to be hard. You need to give yourself time to heal.”

  “I’m never going to heal, Quinn,” he snapped at me. He scrubbed his hands over his face and took a deep breath, composing himself before he continued. “I have to go back into the office no matter what. Sooner rather than later. Putting it off isn’t going to make anything better. It’s going to hurt. I’d rather deal with it all at once than start moving on and having the wound ripped open again when I go back to work.”

  When I went to open my mouth and say something, he stopped me.

  “This is what I need to do, babe. This is all I have left of him. I want to make him proud. I want to take what he built and continue to make it better. He left big shoes to fill, and I’m not going to fill them from home.”

  I can totally get behind that—let him do his thing. Not that I have any right to tell him what he should and shouldn’t be doing right now. I’m just trying to make sure he eats and sleeps.

  I ring Ashley’s doorbell and wait for someone to answer the door. Why didn’t I just go through the garage like I usually do? It’s freezing. Thankfully, the door opens rather quickly and Tanner smiles at me from the other side.

  “Hey Quinn,” he greets as he waves me inside.

  “Hey,” I smile back quickly taking off my coat, hoping to shake off some of the bone-deep cold I’m feeling. “Smells good in here.”

  “Yeah, Ashley went all out tonight.” The way he says she “went all out” has a funny vibe to it. He kind of chuckles as if it’s the punch line of some joke.

  My eyes narrow in suspicion. “All right, what’s going on?”

  Tanner gets a brief reprieve when we hear a whine come from the kitchen. I follow him back and we head toward the baby. Michaela’s sitting in a strange highchair thing that reclines, calling out for attention.

  “Sorry, baby girl,” Tanner coos in a disgustingly sweet daddy voice. It kind of creeps me out, but Ashley thinks it’s the hottest thing ever. “But I brought Aunt Quinn back with me.” Again, his voice has this “off” tone to it. And it all clicks together for me. “You’re buttering me up. Good food. The baby. What’s going on, Tanner?”

  “Nothing. You’re here for dinner,” he says as he takes the baby out of the chair. “You’re just having dinner
with me and not Ashley.”

  “We’re having dinner?” I ask gesturing between the two of us. “Why?”

  The hand not holding Michaela runs through his hair and he sighs. “I’m worried about you, Quinn. I’ve been here with you before. The last time you tried to hold someone together after something terrible happened, it took its toll on you. And you had help. You had me and Alex. Now you have no one you trust. And we need to talk about it.” He hands the baby over to me and turns, walking over to the oven. “But we’re going to do it over dinner. I don’t even want to know the last time you ate a decent meal.”

  It’s been a long time since Tanner and I have had a heart to heart. We were each other’s rock after Ashley’s accident and the long months of rehab and depression. A deep-seated bond formed between us during that time. But when Ashley finally pulled herself out of it, the bond remained, but it was more of an unspoken one. We knew we had each other’s backs if we ever needed each other again. I guess he feels I need him right now. I can’t fault him for it. If they had told me why I was really coming over, I would’ve bailed, and they knew it. I get why they lied.

  Michaela swats the side of my face and laughs. “When did she start doing that?” I ask. Last time I saw her she didn’t have quite this much mobility.

  “About a week ago. She’s starting to learn she can control her hands, and it’s her favorite thing to do.” He laughs as she does it again. “Ashley yelled at her the first time she did it, and Michaela started bawling, and then Ashley started crying, so now we kind of just occupy her hands with something else. I’m not equipped to handle that much crying all at once.”