by K. A. Berg
“It was easy to see when I looked,” he says with a sadness in his voice making this hurt even more. “We’ll get your father. My feelings don’t have anything to do with this plan. Alex will be the most convincing man for the job”
“I don’t like the idea of people thinking I’m running around on you.” I shake my head. “Not because of me, but because you don’t deserve that. Humiliating you in this arrangement was never part of my plan.”
“Quinn, your father tried to use my family. He tried exploiting my father’s cancer and then tried to pull my mother into this. Not to mention what he did to you. Trust me, a little embarrassment is nothing compared to the victory of making that piece of shit pay.” His voice is firm and steadfast. This has become personal to Jordan now too.
“Oh my God, Diana,” I gasp, my hands covering my mouth. “Your mother’s going to hate me. She shouldn’t have to deal with all this so soon after losing your father.”
“Relax,” Jordan hushes me. “I’ve already spoken to Mom and explained everything. She shed some light on some things I didn’t know about her and my father and why he wanted things done in the order he wanted them.”
Jordan spends the next half hour giving me a condensed version of everything that happened with his mom over the last few days. “You mean she doesn’t hate me for lying to her and your father?”
“She’s pissed we lied and didn’t come to them for help, but she’s not the type of person to hold a grudge, Quinn. She flat out told me you’re still part of this family and we protect our family. Your father succeeded in giving my mom something else to focus on. Too bad for him it’s not a wedding, but a plan to get him out of your life entirely.”
Chapter Sixteen
Quinn
“It’ll keep getting easier, Quinn. Today went great—you opened up, and it’s only the beginning. I’ll see you in a few days,” Dr. Stein says as he walks me out of his office.
This was only our second session, but he seems positive. Maybe I’m not too fucked up after all. After going over Jordan’s plan with him, I knew I would need a clear mind for it. There’s so much shit swirling inside me. If I ever want to move forward as a better person, then I need to face everything that has made me the way I am.
Ashley swore up and down I should see her therapist, but it just didn’t seem right to me. It felt weird. Dr. Patterson was a godsend for Ash, so she asked her for a recommendation for me.
Dr. Stein is an older gentleman who reminds me of a TV grandpa. He wears button-up sweaters and smells like peppermint. Surprisingly, he makes me feel comfortable. He seems to know just how to get the words flowing from my mouth.
Sitting in a chair telling a complete stranger all the screwed up things about me and my family is something I never pictured for myself, but I figured it couldn’t hurt anything to see if someone could help me find my way to a peaceful existence.
We spent today talking about the ways I’ve been dealing with everything that’s transpired in the past few months. He asked how I felt after opening up and telling everyone the truth about my dad’s threats. How I was feeling after smoothing things over with Ashley. How I felt after Jordan told me he loved me and walked out. It was a lot of talk about my feelings.
Owning up to my mistakes and trying to mend fences, regardless of the outcome, is something positive, and I did it all on my own.
Fixing things with the people in my life who care about me has made me feel better, but there’s never going to be a time when things with my father will be resolved and I’m dealing with it. After Jordan pointed out he didn’t think this battle with my father was going to end, I saw it too. My dad’s never going to let me be.
This plan better work.
All I want to do is run to Alex and see what he says. See if he thinks we’re crazy for even thinking about trying to pull this off.
The only person I’ve yet to really talk about with Dr. Stein is Alex. Even with all the bad shit going on right now, Alex is always at the forefront of my mind. I don’t know where these feelings have come from all of a sudden … I’ve gone from hating him and trying to forget him for two years to not being able to get him out of my head.
Whenever my world seems like it’s about to crumble, Alex appears and saves me from falling. Each recent encounter with him has intensified something buried deep down inside me causing all my feelings to bubble to the surface.
I thought I buried them deep down when I walked away from him, but I was so wrong. The minute my eyes landed on him in the kitchen at Ashley’s after Michaela’s baptism, they flooded back in.
Seeing him there with Tiffany, thinking they were an item, hurt bad. I’ve never truly encountered a jealousy like that before.
Lust was added in the first time he came to my place after moving back. It was easy to hate him from a distance. I could pretend he was just some asshole and no one important. Having him near made that nearly impossible. And I couldn’t help but want him.
His presence alone calls to me on some molecular level I have no control over. The moment his skin touched mine, it lit me up, reminding me of a part of myself I shut down.
Fighting him with bitterness and a sharp tongue was easy at first. I was able to keep him at a distance that way, but no matter what I did, it was never enough to keep him away. The compassion and understanding he shows me time and time again, when I don’t deserve it, has become impossible to fight.
It seems like my entire life revolves around defending myself from something or running from another. Hit after hit. I’m tired of fighting.
My rational side is screaming at me to just tell him everything. Tell him how I feel. See if he feels the same. See if there’s a way to make things work. To stop denying the connection between us.
If he doesn’t feel the same, then at least I’ll have my answer once and for all. I need to stop letting my mind manipulate things because that’s what I do. And it hasn’t always worked out the best for me. Not even close.
I’m thirty years old. It’s time to act like it. I’m working on taking my life back, and Alex is a huge part of the life I want. I need to know what he sees for us. Is he really just a nice guy who wants to help the woman he once loved or does he still in fact love me like he claimed just a few months ago?
Chapter Seventeen
Alex
As I head into Quinn’s building I have no idea what to expect. I received a text from her earlier today asking if I wanted to have dinner. That’s like asking the man stranded in the desert if he wants a drink of water. I’ve always been a slave to the woman, never been able to turn her down.
A slew of different situations dances through my mind as I walk through the door of her place.
She could tell me she’s completely changed her mind and is still going to go through with marrying Jordan.
Or she still isn’t marrying Jordan but still doesn’t want to be with me. She just wants to be friends, if that’s even possible
Or she isn’t marrying Jordan and does want to be with me.
I’m hoping like hell it’s the last scenario, but who knows. The only thing I’m certain about is no matter how many times I tell myself I’m letting go and moving on, I never truly do.
This is what this woman does to me. She turns me into an idiot who stands outside her building with rambling thoughts instead of heading inside and just finding out what’s going on. When it comes to Quinn and her life at the moment, you never know what the hell is going to happen next. Nothing is ever as it seems.
It feels like judgment day as I make my way to her door. Behind this door lie the answers to all the questions swirling inside my head. But will I like the answers? is the question of the hour.
Closing my eyes, I inhale deeply through my nose and blow it out slowly through my mouth as I raise my hand and rap my knuckles on her door.
The door opens rather quickly, almost as if she was waiting behind it for me to arrive. The apprehensive look in her eyes tells me she’s as nerv
ous as I am about how this night will go. But it doesn’t give me any help in trying to figure out which way things will play out.
“Hi,” she squeaks, a pink blush creeping up her neck to her face and ears as her voice cracks.
“Hi,” I smile back while trying to keep the rest of my face even to prevent her from seeing the array of emotions coursing through me at the sight of her. She looks beautiful, much better than the crying mess that was on my couch last weekend. Whatever decisions she and Jordan have made has eased her mind in some way. There’s a lighter air about her now and the luminous aura that was always surrounding her is almost visible again. Even in a simple long-sleeved top and those black leggings she’s always wearing at home, she looks like a super model. The sadness I’ve seen living in her over the last few months isn’t cloaking her anymore. I hope it’s a good sign. For her and for me.
“I ordered from the Portuguese place around the corner. It should be here soon. Hope you still like paella,” she says, moving aside and allowing me to make my way in.
“I do,” I grin as she closes the door. Her remembering my favorite dish from a place we ate at from time to time is a good sign. As long as she didn’t order it as comfort food for after she completely closes the door on us.
Why am I obsessed with trying to figure out if she wants to be with me? Am I sure I even want to be with her? Before the day of the wedding that never happened, I was positive I was done with her. But then when the chance to be her knight in shining armor comes around, I fall right back down the rabbit hole that comes with Quinn Taylor.
God, I sound like such a pussy. It’s going to be what it’s going to be, and I can figure out what to do about it after.
She forces a smile onto her face as she answers. “Great.” The word flies out quickly as if she doesn’t get the word out fast she’ll say something else instead. It’s obvious, to me anyway, Quinn wants to say more but is trying to work it out. She’s avoiding eye contact; I’m standing right in front of her but she’s looking in every other direction. She’s bouncing on the balls of her bare feet—nervous energy.
I give her a moment to decide. But when she doesn’t say anything after what seems like minutes of silence, I throw her a lifeline. “Say it, Quinn. I know you want to say something. Just say it. It’s okay.”
After a few more seconds of quiet, she takes it. “I kind of want to get the awkward talk done before dinner. I’d like to just hang out and catch up after,” she confesses before adding in, “If you still want to, of course.”
My brain processes what she’s saying, but it doesn’t make too much sense. Quinn wants to catch up but is worried about if I’ll still want to? Does that mean bad news for me? I’m over wondering what’s going to happen, so it doesn’t really matter what she’s worried about. It’s time to be straight. If she wants to talk now then we’ll talk now.
“Sure, whatever you want,” I tell her heading further in to the living room.
Quinn follows quietly and when I sit on the couch, she perches herself on the other side, tucking her legs under her butt and angles her body toward mine.
Staring down at the empty seat between us, she fiddles with a string on the bottom of her pants before she starts talking. “I have a lot to say. I’m just trying to decide where to start.”
When she finally raises her eyes to mine, I nod, acknowledging her comment.
“I guess first I need to thank you for being there for me. You didn’t have to be, but you have been. You’ve helped me when I needed someone to tell me everything would be okay. Somehow you always know exactly what I need to hear.” She shakes her head with a small, amused grin.
“You don’t need to thank me,” I tell her. There’s really no need for it. I’m glad I was able to help her when she needed it. She may not have completely honest with me, but that doesn’t mean I want anything bad to happen to her.
“Yes, I do. After everything that’s happened between us, you should’ve told me to go fuck myself,” she disagrees with an incredulous laugh. “I wouldn’t have helped me if I were you.”
I don’t bother to correct her this time because there’s no point. “You’re welcome,” I say, giving her the answer she seems to need.
She gives me a nod of thanks for the answer before continuing. “Jordan and I worked through a lot of stuff when he finally came back to his place.”
“How did that go?”
A pit starts to form in the bottom of my stomach. Her face gives away nothing. What did they work through exactly? If her and Jordan are going to get back together and go through with getting married, at least this time she seems to be willing to give me answers instead of running away.
“Things are definitely a little weird between us right now, but Jordan came up with a plan he thinks will work,” she answers, tucking her knees under her chin.
There’s no inflection in her voice, and it’s lacking confidence. “You don’t seem very happy. You don’t like the plan?”
“It’s a decent plan and everyone thinks it’s the easiest way to accomplish what’s best for all of us. But it’s also pretty risky and unpredictable.”
Nope, not liking the sound of that. “How unpredictable?”
Turmoil swirls in her eyes as she looks at me. “We can’t predict my father’s reaction to everything. There’s no guarantee he’ll react in our favor, and if he doesn’t we could be fucked.”
“Is this plan a secret? Are you not allowed to tell me?” I ask, unsure of why we’re speaking in riddles.
Her eyes go a little frightened as she replies. “The plan actually involves you, so, no, it’s not a secret.”
“Me?” What the hell can I possibly do?
“The main part of the plan requires you to help me. Jordan believes if he can convince my father I’m not-so-discretely running around on him, he can get him to believe Jordan wants to cut me out of the merger and humiliate me for embarrassing him. He wants us to publicly date.”
I don’t like it at all. Pretending to date Quinn won’t work out well for me. I imagine he wants us in public to have our picture seen somewhere. Pictures of her doing something wrong. With me. I can’t fake that with her. No way.
“I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”
Her head nods slowly in understanding, “I was shocked myself when Jordan brought it up. He seems to think it’s a great idea because I still have feelings for you. His words, not mine.”
“Do you?” The words fly from my lips. My hope is rising. My heart beats faster. Is it possible? “Do you still have feelings for me?”
“I still have something for you. I’m just not all too in-tune with feelings, so I don’t know exactly what it is,” she chuckles softly. “I’m drawn to you. I don’t want to be, but I am.”
Isn’t that a kick to the gut?
“So sorry,” I scoff, pissed off at her casual attitude towards my feelings. Still, after all this time, how I feel means nothing to her.
“I wasn’t trying to insult you,” she interrupts my thoughts.
“Try harder next time,” I bite back.
“Stop with the attitude, okay? I wasn’t being a bitch. I was being honest. I don’t want to be drawn to you the way I am, Alex. You deserve better than me. I can see what loving me has done to you. I know you’ll be here every time I call. And I will call because you’re the only one who quiets the noise for me. And I don’t want to keep hurting you or myself. Guilt consumes me every time I look at you.”
My head slowly turns toward her, and I take her in. She’s done it again. The anger from just a few minutes ago is forgotten. She’s talking to me. Opening up. Voluntarily. I don’t want to do a damn thing to cause her to revert back to not telling me what’s on her mind, but I also want to yell at her for thinking that way. She fucked up. But she doesn’t get to decide the fate of this thing between us alone—again.
“Why do you get to decide what I deserve?”
When my eyes meet hers, she lowers and closes them
before taking a deep breath.
All I want to do is pull her into my arms and tell her I’ll do anything in my power to help her make sure this plan works out. I want to breathe her in and feel her body against mine. Hold her to me and never let anything hurt her again.
Chapter Eighteen
Quinn
My chest burns as I inhale deeply. “I was horrible to you,” I admit. Something Dr. Stein said the other day echoes in my head. You may not be able to control your feelings, but you can control what you choose to do with them. “You never deserved for me to do the things I did to you. You always treated me like I was the most important person in the world.”
“You were. To me, you were,” he whispers, thrusting the knife right into my heart.
In just two months, Alex has reminded me of all the reasons I fell for him in the first place. His capacity to empathize with me after everything I’ve done to him. His patience and determination. His drive to help people find their happiness and reach their goals. Even if it kills him in the process.
Alex has always put me first. Everything he’s ever done when it comes to the two of us has been with me in the front of his mind. Whatever was best for me. After everything I’ve previously done to avoid being truthful and vulnerable with him, he should tell me to fuck off.
I had been angry with what he’d said about that woman letting her husband cheat on her, and I’d had a knee jerk reaction. The implications terrified me. All that mattered to me at the time was protecting myself and my career, but I never wanted to purposely hurt him. God, I feel like a complete cowardly asshole for how I left him.
“I’m sorry,” I confess. “You deserved the truth, but I didn’t even know the truth myself at that time. You were right. I let myself believe what I wanted to believe. It’s taken me over two years to realize that, but I see it now.”
