by K. A. Berg
“But why?” he asks, his eyes pleading with mine. I’m having a hard time gauging his tone of voice. He sounds angry but also hopeful. His anger is justified, can’t hold it against him. But what is he hopeful for? Me or answers?
“Because I’m kind of emotionally broken. I’m fucked up. My parents did a number on me and then people around me just continued to justify those beliefs for me. I let myself get close to you and it scared me. My promotion slipped through my fingers and it messed with my head. My dad knew how to play me and manipulated me into thinking you were the reason I wasn’t getting the job, when it was because of him. Then I took something you said and twisted it to give me a reason to run.”
I spent almost my entire first session with the doctor going over this. Going around and around getting back to the same point. My need for my father’s approval. After leaving his office that day, I spent the rest of the day thinking about it all and talking it through with Ashley. She’s seen my father and me at our finest over the last decade.
I let him and my need for his approval subconsciously take over all my decision making. College. Work. This wedding. No matter how hard I tried to defy him, in the end he’s always found a way to get what he wanted from me. It’s been a hard pill to swallow. Alex saw it years ago and tried to point it out to me, but I didn’t want to hear it.
“Why are you telling me all of this now?”
“Because you deserve the truth. No matter how this ends, you need to know why I did what I did. And I need to accept responsibility for it.” Despite being unsure of where this night will take us, I feel lighter. Relieved even. I’ve taken a step in the right direction and owning my actions—even though they weren’t good—gives me a small sense of accomplishment.
As he leans back against the couch, Alex closes his eyes and lets out a sigh. His hands go to his hair, and he runs his fingers through it as he tries to figure out whatever it is going on in his head. The silence is almost deafening, but thankfully it doesn’t last long. He sits forward and levels me with a serious stare. “Where were you hoping to go with this, Quinn? I know there’s another reason behind this, and I’m trying to read between the lines, but I don’t want to read something that’s not written. I need you to spell out exactly what you’re trying to say here, because to me it sounds like you’re apologizing so I’ll fake date you.”
Wow, that kind of stings. First Jordan says I’m manipulative, now Alex. “You think I want to fake date you?”
“Well… you went from explaining your fiancé wants us to date in some grand scheme to blackmail your father back, I’m assuming, to giving me the answers I’ve been trying to get from you for years. Seems a little too convenient, no?”
I guess I deserve that. “Have I really become that woman? The one who men assume is trying to get something from them.”
His face contours into this pained look as he thinks about my question. “Normally I’d say no, but you've got to admit you giving me the only thing I’ve ever asked of you at a time you need something from me is a little sketchy.”
His doubt in me cuts deep. I’ve never purposely manipulated anyone. But lately that’s how people are seeing me. It makes me feel more like my father than I’d ever want. Except Alex is wrong. “I didn’t tell you for you to do me a favor,” I counter. “You thought I was saying I didn’t want to be drawn to you because it was this awful thing. I was trying to explain to you why me being drawn to you is bad. I’d be stupid to not want to be with you, Alex. You’re the best person in the world. My whole being comes to life when you’re around. I feel safe and at ease. So yes, I still feel something for you, even knowing I should let you go.”
Alex reaches out and places his hand on my thigh. My skin heats as the feelings his touch creates creep up my chest to my neck until I can feel it burning in my ears. A huge part of me has been dormant for a while. A part of me I lost when I walked away. It’s like the smell of cookies baking. As soon as the familiar scent hits your nose, you can taste it in your mouth. It’s just like that. Getting a small reminder of what I used to have
“Are you letting go, Quinn? Or are you holding on?”
I stare into the hazel pools staring back at me. The green and brown swirls are warring emotions. I want to hold on so bad, but can I live with letting go again if things get bad? I don’t even know for sure if Alex wants the same thing. He said he loved me just a few months ago, but that doesn’t mean shit. Why would he want to get back on the crazy train with me?
Denying it won’t help me. If I don’t tell him how I truly feel, I’ll have to live with the lingering questions that will follow me for the rest of my life. What if I told him the truth? What if he loved me too?
“You don’t have to hide from me, Quinn. No matter what, you can always be honest with me. I promise to always try to see your perspective. You just need to let me try.”
“I am trying. I’m just scared, Alex,” I confess. My eyes slowly meet his as I raise my head. My arms instinctively move, wrapping across my body as if I can shield myself with them. Vulnerability isn’t something I’m familiar with at this point in my life.
“What are you afraid of, angel?” he asks sliding closer to me on the couch, closing the distance between us. Hearing the reverence in the way he says “angel” warms my soul. The closer he gets to me the more my nerves settle. His touch soothes me as he wraps his arms around me. When he secures my head in the crook of his neck, most of the fear vanishes. This is Alex. No matter what I tell him, he won’t use it against me. The words slip past my lips with little resistance.
“Of you.”
My answer causes Alex to panic slightly and I’m suddenly being pushed back while strong hands grip my head. He forces me to look at him as he stares into my eyes in shock. “Why are you scared of me?”
The incredulous way he says “me,” as if he isn’t anything to be afraid of, has me shaking my head in disbelief. Doesn’t he get it? “Because you have the power to destroy me.”
His hands slide down the sides of my face, cradling me as he rests his forehead against mine. His eyes continue to bore into me as he starts speaking, “I don’t want to destroy you, angel. I have no intention of ever hurting you. I want to make you happy, love you, and see you succeed. I want to see you be vibrant and free again. And help you get there, but never destroy you.”
“The only love I’ve ever had hurts, Alex.” I explain. “I don’t know how to love someone at this point in my life. I want to. I’m working on getting there. There’s nothing more I’d love to do than love you. But I also have to find myself in the process. I’m a mess. I have no right to ask you to wait around for me to get there.
“That’s not true,” he argues as a gleam starts to glow from his eyes. It’s mesmerizing and easily distracting. But he always got that look when he knew he was about to win in some way.
“What’s not true?” I ask taking his bait.
His brilliant eyes keep me enthralled as they get closer and closer. A shocking pulse courses through my body the moment his lips meet mine. As quickly as I feel the soft, familiar touch, it’s gone.
“I’ve never hurt you, angel, and I never will,” Alex whispers before molding his lips to mine again. This time my lips feel like they’re being lit on fire. The way my mouth yields to his despite my fears is scary as hell… but also a huge fucking turn-on. I haven’t felt this spark in so long. Everything is lighting up, like someone flipped the switch that turns on all the carnival rides.
Thank God Alex has the strength to pull away because I don’t think I have the willpower. And I don’t want to do something stupid and hide behind sex. I need to talk this through and try to rein in my newly awakened ability to feel.
“Not once did I ever betray you, or even think about it. I love you wholeheartedly,” Alex tells me, his voice oozing conviction. “You just weren’t ready for it then, so you didn’t see it. But you will this time around. But right now, all you need to do is remember I could never hurt you,
Quinn.”
It’s hard to see as the tears well quickly in my eyes. The guilt rushes back in as he reminds me he was nothing but great to me. And with the guilt comes the fear. Fear this will all be too much for him. Baggage follows me around by the truckload. Being with me wasn’t easy before and being with me now would be a whole new level of difficulty. I have so much to get through and so much to work on. Nobody wants to sign up for that. Plus, I already proved I’m not worth it.
“But I can hurt you. It wouldn’t be the first time.” My hands barely make it to my face before the tears begin to fall. Alex’s arms squeeze me as he pulls me into his warm chest again. After a few minutes, I’m able to get myself together enough to continue sharing. I’m on a roll and I’m not going to give up this easily.
“I suck at this, Alex. Part of me is broken right now. What happens next time I hurt you? What happens when I screw up again and you decide you’ve had enough? Hell, you’ve already had enough. I won’t recover from this a second time.”
As much as it pains me say, I feel like it’s almost inevitable I’m going to fuck this up again. I won’t make it through getting close to him and then losing him again. Last time I didn’t realize exactly what I had or what I was doing. This time I can’t choose to ignore what will be missing if this goes wrong.
Chapter Nineteen
Alex
I uncurl the fist Quinn has tucked under her chin, intertwining her fingers in mine and squeezing. Her pain and fear are profound, hanging in the air surrounding us, like another person in the room. My heart hurts for her … and me. I can’t go through losing her again either. But I also know living without her sucks. I’m willing to take the risk.
Things will be different this time around. For that to happen she has to let go of her fears. I have to let go of mine.
“Angel, no part of you is broken. There’s nothing wrong with you. You know how to love—I’ve seen you do it. I’ve felt your love. Even when you were fighting it. We’ve got a lot to work through if we want this to work, but don’t let fear hold you back. You have nothing to be afraid of.”
My chest rises and falls thinking about how close I am to finally having everything I ever wanted with the one woman I wanted it with. I just need to get her to take the leap with me.
“I love you. I have for a long time. Nothing would make me happier than helping you see yourself the way I see you.”
Her body rears back from mine and she peers up at me with shocked eyes. “You mean it?” Quinn has always been this force to be reckoned with, but in this moment, she reminds me of a small child looking for compassion and understanding.
“If you want me, I’m here, angel. No place I’d rather be than right here.”
All the pain and anguish I’ve felt over the last two and half years at the hands of this woman don’t seem to matter anymore. This is all I’ve ever wanted with her. To be let in. She’s opening herself up and allowing herself to be vulnerable, and her actions reach down deep inside and heal a place inside me that’s been a void since we broke up.
And I’m not the only one beginning to heal with all that has transpired today.
An array of sensations passes through Quinn’s eyes. Relief. Shock. Security. Excitement. Determination. Pressure. It all courses through Quinn at once as my words crash over her. Her arms wrap around me and tears stream down her face.
“It’s okay, angel. Just trust me. One day at a time. That’s all we’re going to do. All you have to do is let me in little by little.” Her sobs slow and her body begins to relax. “You just need to talk to me and know I’ll always try to understand. If you can do that, we’ll be okay.”
“You sound so sure,” she sighs. “You always make everything sound easy. I know we can make this work, but I also need to work on me. I need to get through this shit with my dad and get myself in a good place. I can’t do both at the same time though. It’s not fair to me or us.”
“I’m not going anywhere, angel.” I can’t help the way my endearment for her just rolls right off my tongue. “So why don’t you tell me about this plan Jordan came up with.”
Quinn angles her head up to mine and the hesitation in her eyes is evident. “You sure you want to get mixed up in all of this?”
There’s no reservation from me at all. “If it means helping you, then you can always count me in. Tell me what we’ve got to do.”
She takes a deep breath and starts to explain their plan. “Jordan wants to have a PI follow us around taking pictures of the two of us together. Make it look like I’m not even hiding I’m cheating on him. He’s going to take those photos to my father and try to convince him to let him in on the scheme to have me investigated. Then we’re going to take whatever we find to the lawyers. Hopefully, we can flip the script on him and have him arrested.”
Wow. This is a lot to take in. “Jordan wants to encourage your father to actually make the call?”
She nods her head before tucking it under my chin again. “He wants him to think he wants to get back at me for cheating on him and cut me out of the merger.”
“What if he doesn’t take the bait and your father tells Jordan to piss off?” This plan doesn’t sound smart at all.
“That’s the unpredictable part I was talking about before.”
Her relationship with her father has been volatile and vindictive. I don’t feel poking the bear is the best idea.
“I’m worried for you, angel. I don’t like this,” I admit. “There’s many ways for this to go wrong.”
“I know, but I don’t see what other choice we have.”
Her face falls as the words pass her lips and I know she was hoping I would tell her this would work, and I thought everything was going to be okay. There’s no way I can do that. I refuse to tell her that knowing it’s not how I feel. No matter how much she wants to hear it.
The doorbell rings giving us a minute alone with our thoughts while I get the door. After paying the delivery guy, I take a seat back on the couch, placing the food aside on the coffee table.
Quinn said she wanted to get all the awkward out before dinner so we can move forward and catch up. I happen to agree with logic, and I pick back up right where we left off. The food can wait a few minutes.
“Okay, if you want to do this, I’ll help. But you have to be honest with me. No more running. No hiding.”
“I’ve told you everything.”
“I get you wanting to work on yourself, and I’ll be patient, but we don’t need to wait. I’m done watching you from a far. We will do this at whatever speed you want, but we’re doing it starting now.”
Quinn’s eyes bulge from her face and storm over. They flitter back and forth like they’re watching a really fast movie reel. She’s imagining a hundred different possible ways for how this could turn out. Quinn’s eyes suddenly stop moving and she peers up at from under her lashes. The clouds have cleared, and she holds my gaze. If I weren’t staring at her, I might’ve missed just the slightest nod of her head. Her barely-there agreement.
“It’s going to be different. Not bad different, but no more babying you. No more biting my tongue so I don’t scare you. I have wants and needs and you’re going to hear about them. I’ll hear about yours. I want a life, Quinn. If you can’t give me that, you need to tell me now.”
Sadness contours Quinn’s beautiful face. “Alex, I don’t even know if I’ll have a life when this whole thing is done and over. I can’t promise something I might not be able to guarantee. Even if this works out in our favor, I still have a lot to work on. I’m a mess. I need to try and sort me out. All I can give right now is the promise to try.”
This moment right here is the most I could ever ask of Quinn. This is what I’ve wanted—to be let in. Actions speak louder than words, so even though Quinn isn’t giving me what I asked for, she’s giving me more.
She’s offering to try and letting her feelings out, giving me the best thing ever—honesty. The old Quinn would’ve found some way to tw
ist wanting a life with her into the most horrible thing ever and run.
The woman in my arms isn’t that person anymore. She’s grown, but also has the weight of the world on her shoulders. Even though she’s at max capacity, she’s willing to make room for me.
Leaning down, I press my lips to hers and enjoy the warmth coursing through me. “Trying is perfect, angel. But you aren’t fucked up or broken. We’ll do everything we can to make sure this plan works. When your dad is finally out of the picture, we’ll work on you, but there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re just a little lost.”
I hate the way she currently sees herself, and her father is doing a great job of slowly destroying her. She’s in pain and it kills me to see her struggling. Nothing can stop me from bringing back the light inside Quinn.
It’s been enough heavy for the night. I want to get to the part where we laugh and have a great time. Grabbing the bag of food, I pull out the containers and open them up while Quinn grabs plates and forks. I guess we’re on the same page of taking a break from all the hard stuff.
As we sit back down, I decide it’s time to start learning all I can about Quinn and this new version of life with her. “Tell me about the business you and Jordan are working on.”
The mention of her soon-to-be company sets off a small glimmer of light in her eyes and her entire body relaxes. Words begin to tumble out of her mouth effortlessly. The more she talks about it, the brighter the light gets. I’d give the world to see that light shine at its full brightness. I’m making it my life’s mission to make that happen.
Chapter Twenty
Quinn
“How are you holding up with everything going on?” Ashley asks as we head upstairs from the den to put Michaela to bed.
She and Tanner asked Alex and me if we wanted to have dinner tonight. It’s been a very long time since the four of us were together, civilly anyway. It feels both right and awkward at the same time. I took the tiny break offered up by Ash when she asked if I wanted to come upstairs with her.
