Separation Anxiety

by Lisa Suzanne

  “They love you,” he said, kissing the top of my head. “But, then, you’re very lovable.”

  I stiffened. They loved me. I loved him. He called me “lovable.” Why couldn’t he just say that he loved me, too?

  “What’s wrong?” he whispered.

  “You can’t say things like that to me,” I said, feeling hurt and frustrated all over again. I pulled out of his arms because being there was too comforting. It was too warm and loving, and it was sending me all the wrong signals after he didn’t say the words. I wasn’t sure why I felt that way, but I couldn’t help it.

  “Like what?”

  “You can’t call me lovable but not say the words back to me,” I blurted.

  Fucking beer. Truth serum, just like vodka. And wine.

  He sighed. “Veronica, it’s not because I don’t. Because I do. It’s just…” he trailed off.

  It didn’t escape my notice that he’d just admitted that he did love me. He had said, “Because I do.” If he’d have finished that sentence, it would’ve been, “Because I do love you.”

  “It’s just what, Jesse?” I asked, my voice venting my frustration as I turned to look up at him.

  “I’ve never said it before to a woman.” His voice was flat and he stared out over the water, running a hand through his hair as he refused to meet my eyes.

  Understanding dawned on me.

  This was difficult for him because it was new territory. He’d spent the last fifteen years avoiding getting close to people, most likely as a direct result of what happened with his sister. He was scared of getting attached. He wasn’t scared of commitment; that was completely different. He was committed to his job, to his woodworking, to the labels in his refrigerator. He’d proven that he could commit.

  But he didn’t get attached to people. He’d learned the hard way that anyone could be taken away from him in an instant, so he’d formed a lifestyle that allowed him to make the decision of when to end things.

  That was why he chose flavors of the week. That was why he’d never been in a serious relationship. That was why no woman had ever seen his bed. That was why no woman had ever met his parents. That was why he’d never told anybody about his sister.

  And, apparently, that was why he’d never told a woman that he loved her.

  It really showed me how one major event in a person’s adolescent life could so profoundly affect every single aspect of his adult life.

  So what was it about me that was so different?

  What was it about me that allowed him to open up as much as he had?

  I didn’t know, and I didn’t know if I ever would. All I knew was that I was happier with Jesse by my side than I had ever been in my entire life.

  I turned into him and wrapped my arms around him. We stood in a hug by the ocean water, and I suddenly understood my Jesse far better than I had even just that morning.

  My Jesse.

  It had a nice ring to it.

  “Thank you for being honest with me,” I replied.

  We walked along the shore, allowing the water to roll in and out over our feet. It was chilly in early March, but having Jesse by my side warmed me. Everywhere.

  His fingers laced through mine as we walked in silence.

  “Can I ask you a question?” I asked, afraid to push him after all he’d confessed to me that day but suddenly needing the answer.

  He nodded.

  “Who is Carly?”

  He glanced quickly at me, seemingly a little taken aback at my question.

  “You just always come back from seeing her with this haunted look in your eyes.”

  “I know. I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be sorry. I just want to be there for you if you want to talk about it.”

  “Thank you,” he said.

  It was awkward for a second, and then I said, “So do you? Want to talk about it?”

  He shook his head. “I’m not really supposed to.”

  A thought crossed my mind, so I asked, “Is she a student?”

  He shook his head. “No. I volunteer at the hospital.”

  “You do?” I asked, impressed yet again by this kind man and his generous soul.

  “I have for years. I started in transportation, but switched to the psych ward as part of my internship for my undergrad and my Master’s degrees. And then once I got my doctorate in school counseling, I started volunteering with suicidal patients.”

  Wait. What? “You have a doctorate?” I asked.

  He nodded.

  “How did I not know this, Dr. Drake?”

  He chuckled. “Because I don’t want people calling me ‘Dr. Drake.’”

  Smart, modest, and hot. How did I get so lucky?

  “When did you manage that?” I asked.

  “I finished it about a year ago. My undergrad degree is in psychology secondary education. I taught at Central for two years while I worked on my Master’s. The year you started was my second year as a counselor. I decided to continue on for my doctorate.”

  “Do you like volunteering?” I asked.

  He nodded. “Yes, except some people just remind me of my sister, and Carly’s one of them. It’s difficult to see her like that and feel helpless.”

  I squeezed his hand, and he stopped walking and pulled me into him. He buried his face in my neck. “Thank you, V,” he murmured, and then I felt his lips on my skin.

  “For what?” I asked, surprised at his second unexpected display of emotion of the evening.

  He pulled back just far enough to gaze at me, still holding my body close against his. “For being here. For being you. For making me want to talk about things I’ve never wanted to talk about with anyone before you.” His voice was soft and sincere.

  “You’re welcome,” I said, leaning forward to press a gentle kiss to his lips. I was still dumbfounded as to how, exactly, I had become that person for him, but I knew that somehow, he’d become that for me, too. Really, he’d become the most significant person in my life in a very short period of time. Maybe it was because we’d been friends first. Maybe it was because we’d provided comfort and support for each other when clearly we’d both needed it.

  Whatever the case, I knew that now I’d never find a way to live my life without him in it.

  His arms tightened around my waist as his mouth opened to mine and what started as a sweet kiss turned into a scorching hot embrace.

  It didn’t matter where we were; the park by his house, the side of the road, the beach with the ocean waves rolling in. No matter what, when Jesse Drake’s mouth found mine, everything else in the world ceased to exist as I lost myself in him, in the gentle caresses and sweet taste and aggressive dancing and clashing of tongues.

  He pressed two kisses to my lips and then pulled back and leaned his forehead to mine. “I do, V.”

  It was his way of telling me that he loved me, and I knew that. And now that I understood his reasons, I was perfectly fine with waiting until he was ready to say the words I needed to hear.

  “I do, too, Jesse.”

  He laced his fingers through mine and we headed back to his parents’ house. I felt like something had changed between us on that walk. The Jesse I had known that morning was a completely different man from the Jesse I knew now, and I fell harder and harder for him with each new surprising revelation, with each new exposed secret, with each new painful discovery.

  We sat on the patio with Jesse’s parents and chatted. Jesse’s fingers were twined with mine, and I felt calm and peaceful, something I had been missing for the past year as I lived with the heavy burden of secrets and a marriage that was over.

  I loved that he didn’t care about displaying his affection for me in front of his parents. It was one of those small things that spoke so loudly to me.

  Jesse and I stayed outside and continued talking well into the night after his parents headed in to bed.

  “I have a question,” I said as Barry the dog pawed at the patio door from the inside, wanting to c
ome out.

  “What?” Jesse asked, standing to let Barry out. The dog hopped right up into my lap, and I ran my fingers down his soft fur. He settled into my lap.

  “Why is this dog named ‘Barry’?”

  Jesse laughed. “It’s actually after Barry Manilow. My mom’s a huge fan.”

  I giggled. “So is my mom. Our parents would get along great.” I realized what I’d said after I had said it; my parents weren’t going to be too keen on my new relationship considering they wanted me to try just one more time to mend things with Richard. And they’d be especially judgmental when they found out that Jesse and I began our relationship when I was still married. The fact that I was waiting to have sex with Jesse until I wasn’t married wouldn’t matter. No one would see it that way, anyway. No one would believe that we weren’t sleeping together, especially given Jesse’s reputation with the ladies and the fact that I was living with him.

  “I’d love to meet your parents someday,” he said. “And your brothers.”

  “So,” I said, changing the subject. As much as I loved them, it was too nice a night to talk about my judgmental family. “What are the sleeping arrangements?”

  “What do you mean?” he asked.

  “I mean, where am I sleeping? Where are you sleeping?”

  “The guest room.”

  “Both of us?”

  “Yes. We’ve been sharing a bed for awhile now, V. I’m not about to stop now just because we’re at my parents’ house. Besides, the alternative is one of us taking the couch, and I’d hate for you to get all cramped and sore from sleeping on the couch.”

  I giggled and smacked him in the shoulder, and then I thought about how different our families were. My parents would never, ever allow me to sleep in the same bed as someone I wasn’t married to under their roof.

  We headed in and up to the guest room. There was a queen bed in there, and the room was spacious with its own bathroom and walk-in closet. We both got situated; I pulled shorts and a t-shirt out of my bag to change into for bed, wishing I’d have thought to bring something a little sexier than an ASU t-shirt and cotton shorts.

  I headed into the bathroom to change while Jesse unpacked a few items from his bag. I shut the door behind me and changed into my t-shirt, and then I opened the door again to grab my make-up bag with my face wash and toothbrush.

  When I came out of the bathroom, Jesse Drake stood in front of me.

  Completely.

  Totally.

  Naked.

  Holy Jesus.

  I needed to remember to thank Judy and Phil for creating this absolutely perfect creature.

  My brain turned to complete mush as I stared.

  I gawked.

  I gaped.

  I knew my eyes had to be glazed with lust, but I couldn’t help it. I was staring, and it wasn’t at his belly button. No, it was about six inches south of his belly button.

  He froze in place, and I watched with admiration as his sizable asset moved gradually from flaccid to erect.

  You know how the first time you saw a penis, you were a little grossed out? Maybe it was a picture from a textbook in health class when you learned about STDs, or maybe, like me, it was in your friend’s basement when you were in seventh grade and Kenny Durango pulled it out.

  Not one single thing about Jesse Drake’s penis was gross.

  In fact, just the very sight of it made my mouth water and my lady parts tingle.

  I couldn’t help but think about what it would feel like for him to slide that beautiful penis right into me as an ache started forming in my lower abdomen and a throbbing sensation took over the lower half of my body.

  Neither of us spoke, and my eyes gradually lifted to meet his. He didn’t look embarrassed or bashful or inhibited.

  In fact, his eyes heated over as we stared at each other like we were in a staring contest.

  “Uh,” I stammered after a few beats too long. “I’m sorry,” I mumbled.

  He chuckled. “Don’t be,” he said easily, and I briefly wondered how he managed to maintain his composure while he stood there naked.

  “Okay,” I said, glancing down again at his now fully erect penis. I couldn’t help it. It was there. It was out. I felt like it was looking at me, and it would be rude not to look back.

  A salacious grin spread lazily across his face. “See anything you like?” he asked, a hint of teasing in his voice.

  My eyes met his again, and even though I turned twelve shades of red, I managed a quick nod of my head before I darted back into the bathroom.

  Well.

  Guess I didn’t have to wonder what that looked like anymore.

  My damn mouth was still watering as I thought about what he would taste like, every perfect part of that anatomy under my willing tongue, and my damn body was still tingling and throbbing as I thought about what his naked flesh would feel like against mine.

  Someday, I’d find out.

  I could feel my heartbeat pulsing everywhere in my body. I could hear it in my ears.

  I was out of control with lust for this man, and this fucking waiting game had to end soon. I was a strong woman, but I had needs, too; needs that I was sure Jesse Drake would easily fulfill.

  I gazed at myself in the mirror. Somehow I felt different than I had sixty seconds earlier, and it wasn’t just the buzzing in my brain or the tingling in my legs or the flushing in my cheeks.

  It was seeing that picture of flawlessness and adding that to the fact that he’d confessed his true feelings for me.

  It was being in California at the beach with the right man even though I was still married to the wrong one.

  I took a deep breath as I thought about how that problem would work itself out in a few months, and then Jesse and I would be free to do whatever we wanted to.

  And I knew what I wanted to do with him.

  All. Night. Long.

  And probably all day long, too.

  I brushed my teeth and washed up for bed, and then I finally exited the bathroom. Jesse was wearing just a pair of basketball shorts and lying on the bed scrolling through his cell phone, and there went the saliva forming in my mouth again.

  He really was something else.

  “Hey,” he said softly, glancing up at me and tossing his phone on the bedside table.

  I felt awkward for a moment, unsure of myself after seeing him naked.

  “We’re even now,” he said with a grin, and I giggled, still standing in place.

  I loved how he always knew just exactly what to say to break the tension.

  “Come here,” he commanded softly, and he sat up a little in bed and patted the bed beside him on my side. Yes, we had “sides” already, and I delighted in the fact that sharing a bed with Jesse had already become a habit.

  He didn’t have to ask twice.

  I climbed in beside him, and he pulled me close so my head rested on his chest.

  He kissed the top of my head and then breathed me in. “I know I already said this, but I’m glad you’re here,” he murmured.

  “I’m glad I’m here, too,” I said.

  He turned off the light and shifted so he was lying on his back, his arms wrapped firmly around me. I was suddenly sleepy and felt myself drifting.

  “Good night, V,” he said after awhile.

  “Good night, sexy Jesse,” I said, halfway between awake and asleep.

  CHAPTER 13

  I awoke with a gasp in the dark.

  “What’s wrong?” I heard Jesse mumble beside me.

  My heart was pounding so hard I thought it was going to pound right out of my chest.

  The dream was complete. Now that I’d had the extreme good fortune to see Jesse Drake sans clothes, the piece of my dream that had always been missing was now filled in.

  And holy hell, it was a good dream. It was one of those dreams that I knew was going to stay with me for the rest of the day, the rest of the week. Hell, maybe the rest of my life.

  “Nothing,” I whispere
d back, and I snuggled into his side as I recalled the dream that I couldn’t wait to make a reality.

  It had started much like we fell asleep. It was so vivid, though, as if it had really happened. Jesse woke me when his mouth covered mine, our tongues clashing together violently. It wasn’t soft and sensual; this was animal and carnal and primal.

  He pushed into me and held still as he placed his arms on either side of me to support his weight, and then he pulled back and slammed forward, pushing me so hard in pleasure that my head hit against the headboard. I braced myself for the onslaught of passion, holding my head still against the headboard so that when he crashed into me again, my body met his and didn’t buckle under the force.

  He leaned his head down and grabbed my breast in his mouth, rolling my nipple between his teeth as I cried out in some mixture of pleasure and pain. He sucked hard as he thrust back into me, and I screamed out, unable to control the animal instinct to yell out in satisfaction even though we were at his parents’ house.

  He pushed me higher and higher, and my body clenched tightly in delicious anticipation with each hard drive. I screamed out his name as he yelled mine back at me, and when I felt that snap that happens right before my body was going to splinter into a million tiny pieces of fantastic gratification, I awoke with a start.

  I was hot for Jesse; that much was obvious, but now my panties were soaked with need for him all from one ridiculously provocative dream.

  The next morning I woke to lips pressed against my neck and scruff tickling my skin as Jesse spooned me. My body ached for release, and I knew that I would need to find some alone time to take care of that since I couldn’t exactly proposition Jesse, as much as I wanted to.

  Sleeping next to him was becoming a little too much for me. It was obvious that I had needs that only he would be able to fulfill, and based on the erection that was currently pressed against my lower back, he clearly had needs that he needed to take care of as well. And I’d be more than happy to take care of those needs for him.

  So obviously we were both hot for each other, but there was little we could do about it until June.

  “Good morning,” I whispered, thinking about what a good morning it was, indeed. I could tell through the shadows that the blinds on the windows provided that it was a sunny day outside, and I couldn’t wait to start our first full day at the beach together. I vaguely wondered what time it was, and then I realized that I was on spring break for the next two weeks with this dream of a man, and time suddenly became something so completely irrelevant.