Let Me Fall

by Foster, Lily

  I slowly repaired my relationship with Thomas. Three years later we were nearly there. I think now he could understand what happened to me. When Thomas looked at me now, I think he saw the person that he knew and loved again.

  He was so much older now, nearly fifteen. He still attended Briarwood, along with Zach and his other friends. Thomas had a girlfriend, too—a cutie by the name of Ingrid who played the cello like a sad angel. It was hard to reconcile the serious expression and the somber sound of her music with the lively, silly girl who emerged once she laid down her instrument. Ingrid and Thomas seemed to fit together like two pieces of a puzzle.

  There were times I’d sneak a look at them, watching as Thomas pushed her on the tire swing in our backyard. I’d watch the two of them talking, hardly able to contain their smiles around one another. In those moments, I felt as if I might burst with happiness for Thomas, because he deserved everything good and wonderful in life. But soon after I closed the curtains, a gnawing sense of loss and longing would plague me. I had no romantic life to speak of. No lips had touched my own since Jeremy.

  It had been nearly three years since that summer night when I’d waved goodbye to Jeremy from my bedroom window. He was better off without me.

  But not one day passed when I didn’t think about him.

  Jeremy had given up on me. I didn’t blame him. I was an empty shell—nothing like the girl I once was. Nothing like the girl he had fallen for.

  For a very long time I felt as if I had nothing to offer.

  “Holy crap, Carolyn, that guy who works in the coffee shop with Tori is totally checking you out right now.” Ava, a friend from school, was always trying to set me up.

  “Robert? I don’t think so, Ava. I see him all the time and we just talk, like, no flirting whatsoever. Anyway, I’m covered in mud right now, so I’m pretty sure he is not checking me out.”

  “Maybe he’s into getting down and dirty. Did you ever think of that?”

  “Well then he’s more your speed,” I teased back.

  “We need to hook you up, Carolyn. Maybe not with Robert, but there’s got to be a guy you’re into. You are a hottie and every hottie needs a man.”

  “Don’t go all matchmaker on me, bitch, ok? The only thing I need right now is a job.”

  “Did I just hear someone say they need a job?” Robert asked as he approached us with fresh beers.

  Ava chirped, “Hey, maybe you can work side by side with our girl, Carolyn. You can teach her everything there is to know about caramel soy latte frappe smoothies!”

  “Uh, yeah,” Robert said, looking at Ava liked the cracked individual that she was, “I don’t know what that is exactly, but I am assistant manager there now, Carolyn. If you’re interested, I’ll definitely hire you.”

  “I appreciate the offer, but I need something in the evenings. I’m volunteering at Briarwood this summer as an assistant teacher.”

  “All right. I’ll keep my ears open for you.”

  “Thanks.”

  Robert looked at Ava sort of like he wished she’d evaporate. When she stayed put, he looked back to me and asked, “Any chance I could take you out sometime?”

  I’d become an expert in the art of the gentle let down. I didn’t consider myself anything special in the looks department. I mean, I didn’t have guys trailing behind me begging like Taylor seemed to have. But over the past few months, I guess the growing sense of self-confidence and well-being I was projecting was drawing the guys out of the woodwork.

  I wasn’t ready. Not even close.

  “Thanks, Robert, but I’m not dating right now. I’m sorry.”

  “It’s cool, Carolyn. I guess I’ll see you at the shop?”

  “Definitely. You know I can’t get through my mornings without my java.”

  As soon as he was out of earshot, Ava threw her head back in exasperation. “What was that? I’m not dating right now?”

  “I’m not,” I answered, smiling. That was another thing—I pretty much did what I wanted to do and said what was on my mind now. It felt…freaking great.

  “You heard her, Ava. When the right guy asks her, she’ll say yes,” Tori stated definitively as she wrapped her muddy arms around my muddy middle.

  I peeled her arms from me, laughing. “I’d say yuck but I’m just as disgusting as you are.”

  “Who did you turn down, anyway?” she asked.

  “Your boy, Robert.”

  “Oh, yeah, he’s sweet on you, Carolyn. He’s nice enough but I’m with you on this, either the feeling is there or it’s not.”

  “You two are out there,” Ava retorted. “What happened to just giving someone a chance?”

  “I’ve lived to regret that,” Tori said, rolling her eyes. “Anyone remember Darren?”

  We all laughed, thinking about Tori’s high maintenance, metrosexual, overly man-scaped boyfriend who lasted all of three weeks. “Darren tweezed his eyebrows more than I did. His idea of fun was breaking out some tooth whitening strips. He was obsessed with watching pro soccer, not because he was into the sport, but so that he could copy their hairstyles.”

  “Anyone need to use the bathroom?” Ava asked. “I have to brave the portable potty.”

  “No,” Tori and I said in unison, scrunching up our noses.

  When Ava left, Tori asked, “You ok?”

  “I’m good. No, I’m great, actually. Just not into Robert, even though he’s a really nice guy and all. I’m just not ready for that.”

  “I get it.”

  “Have you seen him?” I asked cautiously.

  “No,” she answered, smiling. “But I love it when you break down and finally ask about him. I haven’t seen him in a few months. The last time he came into the shop was around April. He told me he was taking on a big project in New Haven…Really long days and six-day work weeks.”

  “I saw him,” I admitted in a barely audible whisper.

  Tori’s eyes went wide. “You did?”

  I shook my head. “Not saw him like I was with him or talking to him or anything.” I cringed as I said, “It was more like I watched him. He was walking into that gourmet food shop on Main and I just sat in my car and waited for him to come back out. Just to get a glimpse of him. Like a stalker,” I added, laughing at myself.

  “Oh, Carolyn, I wish I could tell him that. It would make his day.”

  “Yeah, but it would be your last day,” I threatened. “Anyway, I think that ship has sailed. Not gonna play it off like I don’t miss what I had with him, though, ‘cause I do.”

  “I’d never know that, Carolyn,” Tori said, sadly. “You hardly bring his name up, like, ever.”

  I paused a moment to swallow back a tear and then shook my head and smiled to let Tori know I was all right, because I was. “I can’t go back there, you know? And I think I’ve built it up in my mind, making what we had more than it was. Anyway, it was a long time ago and he’s moved on.”

  “You don’t know that.”

  “Last I heard he was living with Vanessa.”

  Tori rolled her eyes. “She doesn’t live there now…Hasn’t for a long time.”

  “Doesn’t matter anyway,” I said grabbing Tori’s hand. “I’m so much better now, I know that, but I’m still a lot for someone to take on, you know?”

  “You’re the best kind of wonderful to take on, Carolyn. I know that for a fact.

  “I don’t have time for a girlfriend right now.”

  “I don’t recall saying you needed a girlfriend, I recall saying that you needed to get laid,” Frank pestered. He was annoying the crap out of me today. “Sadie has a friend. She’s really nice and just your type…long brown hair, smoking body.”

  “How is that my type, asshole?” Was he kidding me? Did he think I was looking to screw a Carolyn look-alike?

  Frank ran his hands through his hair in frustration. His tone softened. “Look, I’m just saying that this isn’t healthy. It’s been a long time.”

  “Three years. I’m well awa
re.”

  “Exactly. I think you should let her go.”

  “I let her go three years ago.”

  “Great! So there’s no reason for you not to come out with us this Saturday. You, me, Sadie and her friend.”

  “A double date? How adorable.”

  “Come on, Jeremy. I’m not asking you to marry her. Just have some fun. See how good it feels to have a girl in your life again.”

  “I’ll think about it,” I said. “Now will you please get outta here so I can finish up? I promised my dad I’d come by with dinner and I still have a shit-load to do.”

  Frank’s words were ringing in my ears: See how good it feels to have a girl in your life again.

  I did want a woman in my life. I wanted to feel again. I wanted to feel lips on mine, wanted to run my hands over soft, creamy curves, wanted to feel the sweet pleasure of sinking into the warmth of her. Problem was, I wanted one girl in particular and I couldn’t have her.

  Three years ago, the night she turned her back on me, a part of me died. I’ll never understand it. I knew she was suffering. I knew that her grief and her misplaced guilt was extreme—I did. But I couldn’t understand how she could just cut and run. One day we were falling in love, the next day we were over. I used to tell myself that she’d come around. I listened to everyone who told me to just give her time.

  I’d finally given up a year ago.

  Sitting in the coffee shop with Tori during her break, I’d broken down and asked if Carolyn ever talked about me. Yeah, I’d resorted to acting like a needy, middle-school aged girl. Tori shook her head, her eyes sad. “She’s not seeing anyone, Jeremy,” Tori assured me, but the knowledge that Carolyn was back in school, tutoring, socializing…carrying on without needing to know one iota of information about me? It was a slap in the face.

  I buried myself in work. All that time I’d been missing her…waiting for her to come around, I worked. I set a goal for myself and did little else but work towards achieving it.

  It paid off eventually. Denny, my first boss, was close to retirement. The day I passed my final licensing requirements, he offered me a fifty percent stake in his business. I jumped at the chance to buy into an established outfit. For a year now I was officially a full partner in Tri-State Electrical.

  Shit, I was so proud the day that our new invoices and business cards were delivered, listing Denny’s name on one side and mine on the other, both with the word proprietor underneath. In that moment, though, I’d only wanted to call her. I wanted Carolyn to know that I’d done it—that I was finally my version of a success.

  When Tori shot all my hopes to hell that day in the coffee shop, I decided to literally wake up and smell the fucking coffee. I decided to move on.

  Problem was that I couldn’t.

  “That basket is for the golf getaway. The gift certificate for lessons, the weekend stay in Hilton Head, his and her golf gloves, and the golf balls go in there.”

  “Aye, aye, captain,” Ava teased as she set about arranging the basket. Having her help was great. She was one of those crafty girls who could stuff a basket and tie a ribbon in a way that made Martha Stewart look like a novice.

  I looked around the first floor of my house with a satisfied, contented smile. This was the first year that I was fully back in planning mode for the annual Briarwood Gala. The gala was a huge deal every November, the school’s biggest fundraiser, and my mother chaired the event. Along with the ten or so women that my mother recruited, I had Ava, Taylor and Tori helping. They fit right in.

  I refreshed all the hors d’oeuvre trays and poured my friends another round of mimosas as they sat around my large kitchen island, where bits of tulle and ribbon were strewn all over. It was nothing crazy, but my mother liked to make these preparation days into somewhat of a social event, to thank the women for donating their time.

  “This is the basket I’m bidding on,” Taylor said, as she looked over the service menu attached to the gift certificate donated by one of the most exclusive spas in Connecticut. “They fly mud in from the Aegean and slather you in it from head to toe.”

  “Didn’t we do that last month?” Tori joked. “I don’t recall my skin glowing after that mud run. I just remember finding bits of dried mud in all my private nooks and crannies for days afterward.”

  “I wish I was on basket duty with you girls.” My back was to the woman’s whiny voice. “You look like you’re having so much more fun than the crew I’m with.” I turned to see her tip her chin over her shoulder to where a group of my mother’s friends were making table seating arrangements. I didn’t know her name but recognized her face; she had helped out last year.

  The group had changed. My mother still had her core crowd but had recruited some new faces for the cause to replace people she no longer was on speaking terms with. Samantha’s mother used to be her second in command. Erica’s aunt had also been an old friend who worked tirelessly on this benefit. After my mother had gotten wind that my two friends were behind some of the most hateful garbage being hurled at me, though, she confronted them. I mean she actually went to Samantha’s house and then Erica’s house to give the girls and their parents a dressing down in person. Suffice to say, those women now volunteered for other worthy causes.

  This woman looked younger than the others and out of place. She was attractive, with long, silky black hair. Her clothes looked expensive but were, in their own way, cheap. She showed a bit too much skin for a casual Sunday morning among other women, and her wrists, fingers and neck were weighed down with a gaudy amount of gold. “Do you have room for one more here?” she asked as she plopped herself onto a stool and took the mimosa I’d just poured for myself.

  All righty then.

  “Sure,” I said, recovering. “You can be in charge of the Night on Broadway basket. Here are the show tickets, the gift certificate for dinner at Carmine’s and the parking voucher.”

  “Great!” she chirped, dismissing me and turning back to my friends. “So, girls, tell me about yourselves. I’m desperate. I’ve just spent the last hour listening to those ladies talk about hysterectomies and arthritis.”

  The girls didn’t laugh but smiled uncomfortably. After all, she had just insulted my mother’s friends.

  “They might be a few years older than you,” I said, defensively, “but you were paired up with a federal judge, someone who regularly competes in triathalons and a fairly successful novelist. I doubt they’ve been boring you with details about their medical history.”

  “I’m just joking, Carolyn,” she said, rubbing my shoulder in an overly familiar manner. I mean, I didn’t even know this chick’s name. She remedied that. “I’m Beth, by the way.”

  All the girls introduced themselves. They were polite but on guard with this one. There was just something about her that rubbed me the wrong way. While Beth ingratiated herself with my friends, I went over to grab some more basket fillers. “I see Beth Peterman has abandoned her post,” my mother observed dryly.

  “What’s her story?”

  “She’s desperate for friends, I think. She married Bryce Peterman a few years ago. Wife number three. She’s not from around here and I think she’s had a hard time fitting in. She was very helpful last year, though, and I can use all the help I can get.”

  “What is she, like, thirty years younger than Mr. Peterman?” I asked, disgusted. I used to babysit for the Petermans before his last divorce, when he was still on wife number two.

  “Maybe not quite thirty…more like twenty and change,” my mother answered, smiling. “Here, take these items for the Napa Getaway basket.”

  As I approached the table, I heard Beth rambling on about her high school days in Nevada. She was the head cheerleader. Wow. “Hate to interrupt this walk down memory lane,” Taylor said, her smirk barely concealed, “but I have to run, Carolyn. I’m due at my mother’s by two.”

  I hugged Taylor tight when I thanked her and walked her to the door. “I’m glad things are going well with
your mom.”

  “Me too,” she smiled. “You hit the jackpot with your parents, Carolyn, but my mom…Well, she’s trying and I can’t ask for more than that, right?”

  I squeezed her again and then returned to my friends…and Beth. Ugh, she was giggling like a schoolgirl over something Ava had said. “Did you all go to Westerly High?” Beth asked.

  “These two did,” Ava said, gesturing to me and Tori. “I went to school in Darien.”

  “I have a friend around your age,” she said to us as she ran her finger around the rim of her glass slowly. “Jeremy Rivers. He went to Westerly. Do you know him?”

  “How do you know Jeremy?” Tori asked in a tone that was none too friendly.

  She shrugged her shoulders and smiled innocently. “He did some work on my house. We became…friends.”

  It was clear what she was implying, but this chick wasn’t completely stupid—she was too reliant on her sugar daddy’s millions to spell it out completely.

  “I’m good friends with Jeremy,” Tori said in a challenging tone. “I’ll be sure to tell him I met you.”

  “Oh, please do,” she practically begged. “He’s such a great guy.”

  Oh. Come. On. Someone her age should be saying: he’s a great kid.

  My mind flashed back to a night years ago, in my basement. Jeremy was telling me about his first. Taylor. Taylor, Willow, Beth…they didn’t mean anything. Was she that Beth? Being in Taylor’s presence never made me uncomfortable, but this chick? My skin was crawling. I was doing the math in my head. If it were so, then he was in high school at the time and she was…not. “Were you with Jeremy?” I blurted out.

  “Carolyn, let it go,” Tori said quietly, in warning. Beth’s eyes went wide. I guess I’d said that a little loudly.

  My mother approached then, sensing something was up. “Beth, I think these girls have the baskets under control. Maryanne and Madeline really need some help with the invitation list. Would you mind?” she asked, gesturing towards two women seated on the far side of the living room.

  I shook my head, laughing ruefully as she slinked away. “Seriously? She’s repulsive and he’s…he’s an ass.”