Magic Spanner
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And So It Comes to This
Cycling, at its heart, is an individual sport. On the bike, you are largely on your own out there. If you are doing it properly, there is not much chit-chat. Sure, you are part of a team and once you’ve got your breath back, it’s great to gather together at a pub or café and recount what you’ve just conquered, whether that be Winnats Pass or the Staines bypass. Cycling, then, is a gang of individuals. TV sports broadcasting is much the same.
As a commentator, you are pretty much on your own. Yes, I have a sherpa next to me on the ascent, but when it comes to the words that I use, I am alone on stage; naked except for the red Vuelta roadbook in front of my bits as everyone points and laughs. Sorry, that last bit was a recent nightmare.
Anyway, back to the point: I am the last man standing in the process of the production. My words, once spoken, cannot be retrieved. They will hit the Moon after around 18 minutes and then drift off into the universe. They are, indeed, all said and done. I don’t have auto-correct, except if Kelly starts star-jumping and mouthing, ‘Nooooooooo!’ It is my responsibility to put the cherry on top of the broadcast cake. Some agree that what I do is indeed the final touch; they just reckon it’s more akin to bird poo on the roof of a Ferrari.
There is a pyramid of staff that bring cycling to your screens. The race organisers and all their infighting and funding issues. The local councils and police, national sports bodies and sanctioning authorities. The rights negotiation crew and the booking staff. Operations managers and logistics. Helicopters, motorcycles, cars and trucks. Barriers, catering and cables. Data, rigging, power, guidebooks – and much more. Every job that has to be done has a team that got every single person or thing into position. Even just the TV bit: cars, tickets, passes, hotels, cameras, graphics, planners, producers, directors, lighting, sound, make-up – and those are just some of the items on what is a very long list.
Fast-forward to the action that actually pops up on your screen. If everything comes together in this mega-operation, then all you have to do is press a few keys or buttons and have your favourite sport, in all its magnificence, set before you.
And then I go and tell you what I think about it. This will either go down well or it will go down badly.
What I do for a living is a privilege. I love cycling and I love my job. It’s a hell of a merry-go-round. For now, yippee! I still have a book of tickets. One day, inevitably, I will take my last ride. In the meantime, I’m going to carry on having fun and wholeheartedly invite you all to join me.
So until the spinning stops, I say –
To my fans: ‘Hi gang!’
To those who put up with me: ‘Thank you.’
And to those who really don’t like me much: ‘Sorry.’
Bye for now.
Carlton Kirby
About the Authors
Carlton Kirby is the principal cycling commentator for Eurosport and has covered the Tour de France, the Giro d’Italia and Vuelta a España among many other cycling races.
He has worked in broadcasting for over thirty years, over which time he has accumulated legions of loyal fans who are drawn to his witty and, at times, excitable style. Known by some as the ‘language mangler’ and for his ‘Kirbyisms’ (occasional strange musings about not just cycling but the very fabric of life), loyal listeners have set up a Twitter account of his humorous comments: Things Carlton Says, @saidcarlton.
Robbie Broughton is the co-founder and managing editor of Ride Velo, an online magazine that covers features, profiles, product reviews and news of the professional cycling world.
Living in a traditional Mallorcan village he likes nothing more than setting off on his bike into the Tramuntana mountains in a deluded attempt to emulate his cycling heroes.
Acknowledgements
Well it took some time coming, but finally a window into my world is here. Two years ago Robbie Broughton pitched up at Eurosport, my long-suffering and benevolent employers, to interview me for his @ridevelo site. It was supposed to be a 20-minute appointment and we ended up talking for a couple of hours. I don’t think Robbie got a word in. Finally he could take no more as his cheeks were aching thanks to his fixed grin. We’d had fun. He asked if I’d ever thought of writing a book. I had of course but this life of mine gets busy. A series of recorded chats were planned and slotted into the season between and during races. Robbie corralled my thoughts and witterings into a series of chapters and I then Kirby-fied what you have in your hands. I have to thank my family for respecting the closed door to my office. I owe Stephanie, Teddy and Margot a fine holiday or two.
Writing can steal a part of one’s soul but I’ve enjoyed the journey. So what you have in your hands is a slice of me gladly given. I hope you enjoy the ride … that way we can plan another together!
Index
accommodation doping here
Adamo, Massi here
aero discs, wheel here
aerodynamics here, here
Amaury Sport Organisation (ASO) here
An Post–Chain Reaction team here
An Post team here
Androni Giocattoli team here
Anquetil, Jacques here, here, here
‘Antler Man’ (Dore Holt) here
Armstrong, Lance here
Astana team here
Athletic Club de Boulogne-Billancourt team here
Aucouturier, Hippolyte here
Augereau, Fernand here
Bardet, Romain here
Barloworld team here, here
Barolo, Italy here
Bartali, Gino here
beIN SPORTS here
Belgian Cup races here
Bennett, George here
bike adjustments, questionable here
biker gang party here
bladed wheels here
Boardman, Chris here
bomb dogs here
Borg, OJ here
Brailsford, David here, here, here, here, here
British Cycling here
British Road Championships here
broadcasting mishaps here
Brompton races here
Brotherton, Simon here
camera bikes here
Cancellara, Fabian here
Cassani, Davide here
Cattaneo, Mattia here
Cavendish, Mark here, here, here, here, here, here, here
Chasse, Patrick here, here
Chaves, Esteban here
cheating here
see also doping; rules, bending the
clothing, racing here
commentating/commentators here, here
broadcasting mishaps here
hotel stories here, here
interviewing riders here
on the road during tours here, here
see also Duffield, David; Kelly, Sean; Lloyd, Dan
Commonwealth Games here
Contador, Alberto here, here
Coppi, Fausto here
Cornet, Henri here
CRS (Les Compagnies Républicaines de Sécurité) here, here
Cummings, Steve here
Danielson, Tom here
Dauphiné here, here, here
de Gaulle, Général here
De Gendt, Thomas here
Degenkolb, John here
dehydration here
Démare, Arnaud here
Diallo, Patrice here
doping here, here, here, here, here, here
see also cheating; rules, bending the
Doyle, Tony here
Duffield, David here
Dumoulin, Tom here, here, here
Education First here
Edwards, Jonathan here
Eisel, Bernie here
electrical drive systems here
Euromedia here
Eurosport here, here, here, here, here, here, here
Evans, Cadel here
Ewan, Caleb here
Farina, Gianni here
FDJ team here
&
nbsp; feed stations here, here
Ferguson, Doug here
Fignon, Laurent ‘The Professor’ here
fixing, race here
flares, powder here
Flecha, Juan Antonio here, here
‘flying squirrel suit’ here
food and drink, commentators’ here
food and drink, cyclists’ here, here, here
Ford, Henry here
Friebe, Daniel here
Froome, Chris here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here
Fuglsang, Jakob here
Garderen, Tejay van here
Garin, César here
Garin, Maurice here
Garmin Sharp team here
Garmin team here
Garmin–Transitions team here
Gautheron, Isabelle here
GC Par Dossard here
GCN (Global Cycling Network) here
genetics and cyclists here
Gibb, Tony here
Giro d’Italia here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here
Giro Mountain Guard, biker gang here
Grand Depart, Tour de France (2014) here
Greipel, Andre here, here
hair doping here
Harley-Davidson FXR Evo here
Harmon, David here, here
Hatch, Rob here, here
heat and dehydration here
helicopter doping here
Herne Hill Velodrome here
Hesjedal, Ryder here
Hinault, Bernard here, here, here
Hincapie, George here, here
Holt, Dore (aka Antler Man) here
House, Ashley here
IAM team here
Induráin, Miguel here, here
interviewing riders here
JellyBelly team here
JLT Condor team here
Keisse, Iljo here, here
Kelly, Sean here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here
kermesse races, Belgian here
Kennaugh, Peter here
Kenton Road Cycling Club here
Kirsipuu, Jaan here
Kittel, Marcel here
Landa, Mikel here
Landis, Floyd here
Le Monde here
Le Samyn here
Leclercq, Jean-Claude here
LeMond, Greg here, here
LeMond, Kathy here, here
Liggett, Phil here, here
Lloyd, Dan here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here
London Olympics (2012) here, here
London Six Day here, here
Lotto–Soudal team here
Lualdi, Valentina here, here
L’Union Vélocipédique de France (UVF) here
the magic spanner (bending the rules) here
magic wheels here
‘Mankini Man’ here
Martin, Tony here
Mavic wheels here
McCarthy, Skippy here
mechanics, team here
Merckx, Eddy here
Migels, Karsten here
Milan–San Remo here, here, here, here
Milk Race here
Millar, David here, here
Millar, Robert here, here
Mitchelton–Scott team here
Modolo, Sacha here
money and cycling here
monks/monasteries here
Moser, Francesco here
motorbikes on Tours here
motorcycle traffic police, French here
Moulton, Alex here
Movistar team here, here
MTN–Qhubeka team here
NBC Sport here
Nippo–Vini Fantini team here
Nitti, Roberto here
Nokere Koerse here
Obree, Graeme here
Olympic Academy here
Olympic Games (1948) here
Oric–GreenEDGE team here
Ormond, Sophie here
Pantani, Marco here
Paris–Nice here, here, here
Paris–Roubaix here, here, here
parking, TDF here, here, here
Pascal here, here
Pelforth beer here
Petacchi, Alessandro here
Peter, Steve here
Pinot, Thibaut here
Poels, Wout here
Portal, Nicky here
Porte, Richie here, here
Porter, Hugh here
Pothier, Lucien here
powder flares here
P&P World Cycling Revival Festival here
preparation races here
protesters here
Prudhomme, Christian here, here
publicity caravans, TDF here
Purnell, Tony here
push-offs here
Quigley, Declan here
Quintana, Nairo here, here, here
Rai Uno here
RCS Sport here, here
Rendell, Matt here, here
Renshaw, Mark here
rides, greatest here
Roche, Stephen here
Rowe, Luke here
rules, bending the here
see also cheating; doping
Sagan, Peter here, here, here
Sánchez, Léon here
Saronni, Beppe here
Savio, Gianni ‘the Little Prince’ here
Scarponi, Michele here
Schachmann, Maximilian here
security here, here, here, here
Sherwen, Paul here
Simpson, Tom here
skinsuits here
Sky, Team here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here
Sky TV here
Smith, Brian here, here
smoke bombs here
Soler, Marc here
Spam jersey here
Specialized-Rocket Espresso team here
spectators, attention seeking here
sponsors, Androni Giocattoli team here
Stephens, Matt here
Storey, Sarah here
‘swanny’/soigneur here
Swift, Ben here
Team GB here
Team Sky see Sky, Team
Therapeutic Use Exemption (TUE) here, here
Thomas, Geraint here, here, here, here, here, here
time trials here, here, here, here
Tinkoff–Saxo team here
Tinkov, Oleg here
Tirreno Adriatico here, here, here
toilet breaks here, here
Torriani, Vincenzo here
Tour de France here, here, here, here, here
Adam Yates here
bomb dogs here
Bradley Wiggins here, here
Chris Froome here, here, here
finances here
first and second tours here
Geraint Thomas here, here, here, here
Grand Depart (2014) here
heat and dehydration here
NBC light production area here
parking here, here, here
protesters here
publicity caravans here
security here, here, here
Simon Yates here, here
toilet facilities here
Tour de Romandie here
Tour of Abu Dhabi here
Tour of Andalucia here
Tour of Beijing here
Tour of Britain here
Tour of Flanders here
Tour of Qatar here, here
Tour of Turkey here, here, here
Tour of Yorkshire here
track cycling here
Twitter here, here
U23 Cyclo-cross World Championships here, here
Union Cycliste Internationale (UCI) here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here
US Pro Challenge here
Van den Driessche, Femke here
Van Wessem
, Jurriaan here
Vaughters, Jonathan here
Voigt, Jens here
Vuelta a España here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here
Wellens, Tim here, here
wheels, bike here
White, Matt here
Wiggins, Bradley here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here
Wiggins, Gary here
Wild, Kirsten here
World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) here
World Championships here, here, here, here, here, here, here
Yates, Adam here, here
Yates, Simon here, here, here, here, here, here, here
Plates
It’s a great job … and no, you can’t have it! A sports broadcaster since the mid-1980s, my first live on-site cycling commentary was the 1998 VTT Tour de France … that’s Velo Tout Terrain, or mountain biking to you and me. I was finally let loose on a Grand Tour in 2005 and have covered more than 300 cycling events.
No entry fee, you just have to climb a mountain. This photo was taken from the roof of the commentary position on Monte Zoncolan, the finish of stage 14 on the Giro 2018. The mountainside probably had 300,000 people dotted all over it who bore rain, sleet and chilly temperatures. Maximum gradient: 22%. Spectators’ enthusiasm: 100%.
The Grand Tour caravan in all its glory. There are around 4,500 people involved in bringing the Tour de France to life on every day of the race. Most of them seem to be in this shot. You can see the course finish in the top left, and all the team coaches and support vehicles that have just driven the course with bikes on the roof.
Erm … did I go a bit far there Sean? Sean!? Sean Kelly is a legend. A Grand Tour winner who claimed nine monuments as well as the Paris–Nice seven times in a row! No wonder they call him The King. On any Tour day we might be together for 15 hours travelling, broadcasting and dining. No surprise that sometimes, just sometimes, I get on his nerves. The man’s a saint.
Yep … we’re lost. Kelly is old-school, in the best possible sense. He trusts instinct and he’s usually right. It’s been like that his whole career: he can read a race like no other, and he’s still doing it as a commentator. He leaves the flannel to me… and occasionally mops up the mess. It works well.
The camera-bike genius of Patrice Diallo. The ground camera operators have a difficult task: the route is strictly defined and there is real a tension in finding the shots without interfering with the race. While Patrice Diallo doesn’t operate the camera he makes sure the cameramen he pilots get the very best out of every moment. Merci maestro.