The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate
Page 15
Let me begin by saying that we cannot make our spouse speak our love language. Love is a choice. We can request love, but we cannot demand love. Having said that, let me suggest some reasons why your wife may not be speaking your love language. She may have grown up in a home where she received few positive words. Her parents were perhaps very critical of her. Thus, she did not have a positive role model of speaking Words of Affirmation. Such words may be very difficult for her to speak. It will require effort on her part and patience on your part as she learns to speak a language that is foreign to her.
A second reason that she may not be speaking your love language is she fears that if she gives you Words of Affirmation for the few changes you have made, you will become complacent, and you will not go on to make the major changes that she is hoping for. It is the mistaken idea that if I reward mediocrity, I will curtail the person’s aspirations to be better. That is a commonly held myth that keeps parents from verbally affirming children. Of course, it is untrue. If a person’s primary love language is Words of Affirmation, those words challenge the person to greater levels of accomplishment.
My suggestion is that you initiate the love tank game discussed in the book. You ask her, “On a scale of zero to ten, how full is your love tank?” If she answers anything less than ten, you ask, “What could I do to help fill it?” Whatever she says, you do it to the best of your ability. If you do this once a week for a month, chances are she will start asking you how full your love tank is. And you can begin making requests of her. This is a fun way of teaching her how to speak your love language.
14. Can emotional love return when it has been gone for thirty years?
“We are not enemies. We don’t fight. We simply live in the same house like roommates.”
Let me answer this question with a true story. A couple came to me at one of my seminars. The husband said, “We have come to thank you for bringing new life to our marriage. We have been married for thirty years, but the last twenty years have been extremely empty. If you want to know how bad our marriage has been, we have not taken a vacation together in twenty years. We simply live in the same house, try to be civil, and that’s about it.
“A year ago, I shared my struggle with a friend. He went into his house, came back with your book The Five Love Languages, and said to me, ‘Read this. It will help you.’ The last thing I wanted to do was read another book, but I did. I went home that night and read the whole book. I finished about 3:00 a.m. and with every chapter, the lights began to come on. I realized that we had failed to speak each other’s love language through the years. I gave the book to my wife and asked if she would read it and tell me what she thought of it. Two weeks later, she said, ‘I read the book.’ ‘What did you think about it?’ I said. ‘I think if we had read that book thirty years ago, our marriage would have been very different.’ I said to her, ‘That’s the same thought I had. Do you think it would make any difference if we tried now?’ She responded, ‘We don’t have anything to lose.’ ‘Does that mean you are willing to try?’ I asked. ‘Sure. I’ll try,’ she said. We discussed our primary love languages and agreed that we would try to speak each other’s language at least once a week and see what would happen. If anyone had told me that in two months, I would have love feelings for her again, I would never have believed it. But I did.”
His wife spoke up and said, “If anyone had told me that I would ever have love feelings for him again, I would have said ‘No way. Too much has happened.’” She then said, “This year we took our first vacation together in twenty years and had a wonderful time. We drove four hundred miles to come to your seminar and enjoyed being with each other. I’m just sad that we wasted so many years of simply living in the same house when we could have had a love relationship. Thank you for your book.” “Thank you for sharing your story,” I said. “I find it greatly encouraging. I hope you make the next twenty years so exciting that the last twenty will be a dim memory.” “That’s what we intend to do,” they both said together.
Can emotional love be reborn in a marriage after thirty years? Yes, if the two of you are willing to try speaking each other’s love language.
15. I’m single. How does the love language concept apply to me?
Through the years, many single adults have said to me, “I know you wrote your original book for married couples. However, I read it and it helped me in all of my relationships. Why don’t you write a book on the five love languages for singles?” And so I did. It’s entitled The Five Love Languages Singles Edition.8 In the book, I seek to help single adults apply the love language concept in all their relationships. I begin by helping them understand why they felt love or did not feel love growing up as a child.
One young man who is incarcerated said, “Thanks for sharing the five love languages. For the first time in my life I finally understand that my mother loves me. I realize that my love language is Physical Touch but my mother never hugged me. In fact, the first hug I ever remember getting from my mother was the day I left for prison. But I realize that she spoke Acts of Service very strongly. She worked hard to keep us in food and clothes and to provide a place to live. I know now that she loved me; she simply wasn’t speaking my language. But now, I understand she really did love me.”
I also help singles apply the love language concept in their sibling relationships, work relationships, and dating relationships. I have been so encouraged by the response of single adults. I hope that if you are single, you will discover what others have discovered. Expressing love in a person’s primary love language enhances all relationships.
THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch
An interactive version of this Personal Profile is also available at www.5lovelanguages.com
THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES
Profile for
Husbands
You may think you already know your primary love language. Then again, you may have no clue. The Five Love Languages Profile will help you know for certain which love language is yours—Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, or Physical Touch.
The profile consists of 30 pairs of statements. You can only pick one statement in each pair as the one that best represents your desire. Read each pair of statements, and then, in the right-hand column, circle the letter that matches up with the statement you choose. It may be tough at times to decide between the two statements, but you should only choose one per pair to ensure the most accurate profile results.
Allow at least 15 to 30 minutes to complete the profile. Take it when you are relaxed, and try not to rush through it. Once you’ve made your selections, go back and count the number of times you circled each individual letter. You can list the results in the appropriate spaces at the end of the profile.
Your wife may not do some of these, but if she did, which one of each pair would you prefer?
1
My wife’s love notes make me feel good.
A
I love my wife’s hugs.
E
2
I like to be alone with my wife.
B
I feel loved when my wife helps me do my work.
D
3
Receiving special gifts from my wife makes me happy.
C
I enjoy long trips with my wife.
B
4
I feel loved when my wife does my laundry.
D
I like it when my wife touches me.
E
5
I feel loved when my wife puts her arm around me.
E
I know my wife loves me because she surprises me with gifts.
C
6
I like going most anywhere with my wife.
B
I like to hold my wife’s hand.
E
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br /> 7
I value the gifts my wife gives to me.
C
I love to hear my wife say she loves me.
A
8
I like for my wife to sit close to me.
E
My wife tells me I look good, and I like that.
A
9
Spending time with my wife makes me happy.
B
Even the smallest gift from my wife is important to me.
C
10
I feel loved when my wife tells me she is proud of me.
A
When my wife cooks a meal for me, I know that she loves me.
D
11
No matter what we do, I love doing things with my wife.
B
Supportive comments from my wife make me feel good.
A
12
Little things my wife does for me mean more to me than things she says.
D
I love to hug my wife.
E
13
My wife’s praise means a lot to me.
A
It means a lot to me that my wife gives me gifts I really like.
C
14
Just being around my wife makes me feel good.
B
I love it when my wife rubs my back.
E
15
My wife’s reactions to my accomplishments are so encouraging.
A
It means a lot to me when my wife helps with something I know she hates.
D
16
I never get tired of my wife’s kisses.
E
I love that my wife shows real interest in things I like to do.
B
17
I can count on my wife to help me with projects.
D
I still get excited when opening a gift from my wife.
C
18
I love for my wife to compliment my appearance.
A
I love that my wife listens to my ideas and doesn’t rush to judge or criticize.
B
19
I can’t help but touch my wife when she’s close by.
E
My wife sometimes runs errands for me, and I appreciate that.
D
20
My wife deserves an award for all the things she does to help me.
D
I’m sometimes amazed at how thoughtful my wife’s gifts to me are.
C
21
I love having my wife’s undivided attention.
B
Keeping the house clean is an important act of service.
D
22
I look forward to seeing what my wife gives me for my birthday.
C
I never get tired of hearing my wife tell me that I am important to her.
A
23
My wife lets me know she loves me by giving me gifts.
C
My wife shows her love by helping me catch up on projects around the house.
D
24
My wife doesn’t interrupt me when I am talking, and I like that.
B
I never get tired of receiving gifts from my wife.
C
25
My wife can tell when I’m tired, and she’s good about asking how she can help.
D
It doesn’t matter where we go, I just like going places with my wife.
B
26
I love having sex with my wife.
E
I love surprise gifts from my wife.
C
27
My wife’s encouraging words give me confidence.
A
I love to watch movies with my wife.
B
28
I couldn’t ask for any better gifts than the ones my wife gives me.
C
I just can’t keep my hands off my wife.
E
29
It means a lot to me when my wife helps me despite having other things to do.
D
It makes me feel really good when my wife tells me she appreciates me.
A
30
I love hugging and kissing my wife after we’ve been apart for a while.
E
I love hearing my wife tell me that she believes in me.
A
A:_____ B:_____ C:_____ D:_____ E:____
A=Words of Affirmation B=Quality Time C=Receiving Gifts
D=Acts of Service E=Physical Touch
Interpreting and Using Your Profile Score
Your primary love language is the one that received the highest score. You are “bilingual” and have two primary love languages if point totals are equal for any two love languages. If your second-highest-scoring love language is close in score but not equal to your primary love language, then this simply means that both expressions of love are important to you. The highest possible score for any one love language is 12.
You may have scored certain ones of the love languages more highly than others, but do not dismiss those other languages as insignificant. Your wife may express love in those ways, and it will be helpful to you to understand this about her.
In the same way, it will benefit your wife to know your love language and express her affection for you in ways that you interpret as love. Every time you or your wife speaks the other’s language, you score emotional points with one another. Of course, this isn’t a game with a scorecard! The payoff of speaking each other’s love language is a greater sense of connection. This translates into better communication, increased understanding, and, ultimately, improved romance.
If your wife has not already done so, encourage her to take The Five Love Languages Profile for Wives, which is available on page 197. Discuss your respective love languages, and use this insight to improve your marriage!
THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch
An interactive version of this Personal Profile is also available at www.5lovelanguages.com
THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES
Profile for
Wives
Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, or Physical Touch? Which of these is your primary love language? The following profile will help you know for sure. Then you and your husband can discuss your respective love languages and use this information to improve your marriage!
The profile consists of 30 pairs of statements. You can only pick one statement in each pair as the one that best represents your desire. Read each pair of statements, and then, in the right-hand column, circle the letter that matches up with the statement you choose. It may be tough at times to decide between the two statements, but you should only choose one per pair to ensure the most accurate profile results. Once you’ve finished making your selections, go back and count the number of times you circled each individual letter. List the results in the appropriate spaces at the end of the profile. Your primary love language is the one that receives the most points.
Your husband may not do some of these, but if he did, which would you prefer?
1
Sweet notes from my husband make me feel good.
A
I love my husband’s hugs.
E
2
I like to be alone with my husband.
B
I feel loved when my husband washes my car.
D
3
Receiving special gifts from my husband makes me happy.
C
I enjoy long trips with my husband.
B
4
I feel loved when my husband helps with the l
aundry.
D
I like it when my husband touches me.
E
5
I feel loved when my husband puts his arm around me.
E
I know my husband loves me because he surprises me with gifts.
C
6
I like going most anywhere with my husband.
B
I like to hold my husband’s hand.
E
7
I value the gifts my husband gives to me.
C
I love to hear my husband say he loves me.
A
8
I like for my husband to sit close to me.
E
My husband tells me I look good, and I like that.
A
9
Spending time with my husband makes me happy.
B