Reborn as a Vending Machine, I Now Wander the Dungeon - Vol. 03

by Hirukuma,

  This time, I turn into a coin-operated, fully automatic washer-dryer combo, and with my door open, I put water into the chamber and start spinning it.

  “Boss, you hear the sound of roaring wind and water?”

  “There’s no rivers or springs near here, is there? And there’s no wind here. It’s your imagination.”

  I provide them with some of the water in the tub by pushing it with Force Field.

  “Bffwah! What, what?!”

  “W-water? Where could water be coming fr—?”

  “Jackpot.”

  They’re up in hysterics, and the entire scene is pretty hilarious. Ah, I’m starting to have fun. I’ll go with this one next.

  I turn into an egg vending machine. My appearance changes to look like a glass-paned locker. I open all the doors and fire a volley of eggs at them with Force Field.

  The eggs are packaged in nets of ten, and I fire over twenty at once, so several strike the men in spectacular fashion.

  You might be mad at me for wasting food, but I’m trying to settle things peacefully here, so I’d appreciate it if you overlooked this offense.

  “Ow! What’s this? It’s slimy!”

  “B-boss, l-let’s get outta here! Someone’s after us!”

  “Damn, they’re making fools of us! We’re going home for today!”

  They seem to have withdrawn, so I send them off with firefly light.

  Considering their behavior, they probably haven’t repented yet. They’ll be back. Once they know I’m not here, they could wreck the inside of the orphanage, too. Tomorrow morning when I see Lammis, I’ll talk to her about how to proceed.

  The amount of light in town increases, making the Origin stratum interior seem like it’s brightened a bit. This must be morning here.

  I’ve already erased the dry ice and scattered eggshells in the yard. Now the kids in the orphanage won’t ever know what happened yesterday.

  “Good morning, Boxxo.”

  “Mornin’.”

  The two of them appear, already energetic this morning. They’re similar in a lot of respects; in this past day, they’ve turned into birds of a feather.

  Lammis has few hunter acquaintances, so it’s a relief that she made another female friend who’s close to her age. The Menagerie of Fools is a source of some unease, but Shui herself is a good-natured girl, so I’m not particularly on my guard with her.

  “Good morning, everyone. You two are up early.”

  From behind them appears Miss Director. She greets us with her usual mild expression.

  “Thank you.”

  I’ve been using “Welcome” in place of “Good morning,” but for her, it feels like this would be a better response, so I switched it up a bit.

  Oh, that’s right. If the children aren’t around, then this is good timing. I have to tell them what happened yesterday.

  “Huh? There’s a board where the items should be. Is this the thing that showed us the map?”

  That’s right, Lammis. It’s one of my many features—the LCD panel. If I use this to play the video I recorded last night, it should call up their attention.

  As I play everything from when the thugs appeared to when they retreated, everyone watches with close interest.

  “This happened last night? They’re former hunters who set up in a hideout nearby.”

  “Looks like it. Such bad children, quitting hunting and turning to a life of crime. And to think they’d dare lay hands on a guest of the orphanage…”

  Do they know them? I figured we’d bring this video as evidence to town guards or the Hunters Association and have them catch the criminals, but they failed their attempt. I stopped them before they really did anything, so all we’d be doing is reporting it.

  Maybe detaining them was a little much to ask.

  “Shui, I have to head out for a bit. Can I ask you to watch the children?”

  “Sure, but…hang on, Miss Director…”

  Huh? Shui’s cheeks are drawn back, and a bead of sweat just fell from her forehead. Miss Director goes into the orphanage and comes back out a moment later, but now a large bow is in her hands. She has a quiver on her back.

  “I will return shortly,” she says, bowing to us before leaving.

  The moment played out so naturally that no one thought to stop her. Is Miss Director going to silence them through the use of force?

  Wait, that’s too dangerous. One lady who looks like she’s pushing sixty couldn’t possibly do anything by herself. We have to go stop her.

  “Ahh, it’s been a long time since I saw Miss Director get seriously mad. Oh, you two seem to be worried about her, but she’ll be fine. She used to be a really skilled hunter, and she trained me in the bow. In her day, she stormed through this labyrinth together with Director Bear; she’s so strong that Captain Kerioyl knows she’s better than him even now. Otherwise, she couldn’t manage an orphanage in a place with such bad security. Plus, she’s got connections to people in power, like Director Bear.”

  I… I see. I can’t imagine that with her slender arms and general mood, but considering that Shui and the children aren’t disturbed in the slightest, she must be so skilled it would be ridiculous to even worry. I should believe in her and wait.

  An hour passes after that, and just as the kids are finishing their breakfast, Miss Director returns. She looks the same as when she left— Wait, looking closely, there are bloodstains on the hem of her garment, and several arrows are missing from her quiver.

  “Mr. Boxxo, I’ve reasoned with them, and they happily acquiesced. They will never bother you again.”

  “Th…ank you.”

  My instincts, not my reasoning, told me to thank her immediately. She’s still wearing that smile dripping with affection, but you can’t blame me for feeling slightly intimidated by it, where I hadn’t before.

  A-anyway, I’m just glad this quarrel with them has been resolved. As thanks, I’ll leave a week’s worth of food and drink for them.

  I immediately judge that she is not the type of person I want as an enemy. I wonder if Shui will become like Miss Director someday, too.

  Her bow skills are amazing even now, but I don’t know if the day will come when she masters that sort of power. With how happily she always eats her food, I can’t imagine her being like that.

  “Huh? It’s feels like I’m being watched.”

  I watch Shui as she shrugs awkwardly, as if she sensed my gaze, and I accidentally say, “Too bad.”

  A Stomach’s Limits

  After continuing to observe Shui, who dominated the eating contest, there’s something I’ve been wondering about.

  Whenever she eats a large amount of food, she always wears the same blissful expression. As the one selling the food to her, I’m grateful, but I began to wonder about her stomach— Does it have a limit?

  At the contest, she put away over five kilograms of fried meat and five small bottles of cola. And she ate the super-giant crepe just fine, too.

  Shui is on the small side, even for a girl, and her stomach has swelled after eating before. That means it’s not just that her gullet is connected to another dimension.

  I’ve seen female eating-contest talents on TV back when I lived in Japan, too, and most ate unbelievable amounts. Maybe it’s not a stretch that someone like them exists here.

  But still. I’ve given her food many times now, and not once have I ever heard the words “I’m so full” or “I can’t eat another bite” pass through her lips.

  And now I’ve started to think that, just once, I want to hear her say personally that she’s full.

  “Boxxo, are you sure about this? I can really have all this for free?”

  “Welcome.”

  Shui plops down on the other side of the table, and after Lammis arranges all the items I provided on it, Shui’s eyes begin to change.

  “You better not hit me with the bill afterward!”

  “Welcome.”

  I hadn’t planned to do anything
like that.

  We called her out to the tent Lammis and Hulemy were staying in so I could treat her to food.

  The two girls seem curious about Shui’s limits as well and gladly provided the space to use.

  Hulemy takes a break from her work and looks closely at me. Come to think of it, she said something before. “No human can possibly eat that much and not get fat. She must have a secret. If I can find out how it works, the information will be invaluable for women everywhere,” she’d said, fairly pumped up. Now she has a chart she made ahead of time, apparently planning to write down the results. Her pen is in hand—she’s all set.

  The issue is what to give her. I’ll call it quits on the cola for a drink and use tea instead. This is purely about how much she can eat.

  First, I give her five kinds of cup ramen—extra-large ones.

  Normally, a person could eat two of these and be satisfied, but she’ll easily get past this stage.

  After pouring in hot water and waiting three minutes, she first eats the unflavored type.

  “Mmm, this pasta is awesome! Whew, and it’s nice and warm, too. Nothin’ like eating good, hot food outside on a cold day!”

  Shui really does seem like she’s enjoying herself.

  When it comes to heavy eaters, there are some who don’t eat the food so much as devour it like animal feed. In her case, while she eats heartily, she doesn’t do it in a slovenly way. Instead, it whets the appetite of anyone watching.

  Her manner of eating at the contest enticed a lot of people, and items started flying off the shelves. If this were Japan, with her cute face, she’d have been hugely popular as a personality on food-related commercials.

  While I was thinking about it, she finished all the cup ramen, along with the broth.

  “What’s next?” she asks, eyes glittering.

  She’s far from having stuffed herself to the brim—I’m not even sure she filled one tenth of the space.

  In that case, next up is a duel against a frozen-foods manufacturer’s vending machine, one the Menagerie of Fools loved.

  They’re used to it now—since karaage is part of their frozen-foods series—but it actually has quite a few items besides that.

  Karaage, yakisoba, fried rice balls, takoyaki, French fries, fried rice, hot dogs, edamame, and even taiyaki (a fish-shaped treat filled with red bean paste) sit behind the glass.

  I’ll leave the sweet foods for later, I guess, and give her two other items at a time.

  While bringing the food out, Lammis looks very interested at the sight of takoyaki, so I warm up one serving and give it to her.

  “I can have some, too? Thank you, Boxxo. Hulemy, let’s eat it together!”

  “Sweet, I was just starting to get hungry. Thanks a lot.”

  They sit next to each other and dig in to their takoyaki. They’re friendly, as always.

  “These round things have sauce on them, and…something I don’t know, but it’s red, white, and really tasty,” says Lammis. “What is this stuff?”

  “Feels real interesting in your mouth, huh?”

  “Oh, doesn’t it? It’s all chewy and stretchy. It’s delicious!”

  The octopus seems to be going over well. Apparently there are places outside Japan where people have an aversion to it, but people in this world eat monsters, too, so they probably wouldn’t be surprised if they found out what it was.

  Ah, still, even compared to the monsters here, an octopus is pretty different. If I showed them the real thing, they might refuse to eat it… Maybe I should keep quiet about them.

  As they enjoy themselves, Shui finishes eating.

  Now that it’s come to this, I’ll give her every food-related product I can provide, one by one, until one of us gives up!

  Next is canned goods. First, oden, which has been a great help ever since I first arrived here. For the oddballs, I’ve got cans of chikuzenni (a dish typically eaten around the New Year in Japan, featuring braised chicken and veggies), nikujaga (Japanese-style beef and potatoes), yakitori (chicken skewers), curry rice, and ramen—well, maybe not that. She just ate a lot of cup ramen.

  Incidentally, there are numerous varieties of canned noodles, and I have over ten types.

  There are several flavors of canned breads, too. All right—with all this, even Shui is sure to be satisfied.

  Confident, I look over and see her emptying cans, one after another… I didn’t want to have to learn a new food-related feature. I’ll endure it. I decided I’d use only products I can currently stock for this duel. It would be cowardly to spend points to get different items and features now.

  I made light of her, thinking she couldn’t possibly eat it all, but there are only two cans remaining.

  Oh. Okay. I see. I… I haven’t lost yet. After preparing some taiyaki from the frozen foods, I decide to go with crepes for everything.

  I change into a crepe vending machine mainly found in Kagoshima, then get every single one of the many crepe flavors ready.

  These crepes taste amazing, and they’ve got some hefty volume to them. Ten crepes, after eating all that, will sit real heavy in your stomach!

  “Oh, sweets! I was just thinking about wanting something sweet!”

  Huh? She’s really happy about it.

  Now I get the feeling she can finish all these off easily.

  “Those look good, huh, Hulemy?”

  “Yeah, they look great, huh, Lammis?”

  After the two stare hard at the crepes, they turn their pleading gazes toward me, eyes watering. You don’t need to give me that face. You can have some, too, of course.

  Girls look happiest when they’re eating sweets. All three hold a hand to their cheeks, smiling as they stuff their faces.

  But now isn’t the time to languish at this relaxing scene. Shui is already almost finished eating everything.

  Maybe it was too early to move to the dessert course. I can’t exactly go back to the heavy stuff now. What else is sweet? …Got it. I’ll attack with fruit.

  I pick out bags of sliced apples and bananas, but…

  “Fruit is really refreshing, too!”

  She gobbles it all down.

  I try giving her some snack foods, too, but they immediately vanish into her stomach.

  Ah. I see. I can’t beat her. It seems I still need to ascend to a higher level of foodliness. With that vow in my heart, I’m about to admit defeat, when…

  “Boxxo, that’s enough. I’m good.”

  Incredibly, Shui says the words I’ve been longing to hear.

  She rubs her belly in satisfaction—which protrudes only a little—then leans back against her chair in bliss.

  Fu-ha-ha-ha-ha, I’ve done it! I’ve satisfied her stomach! I spent quite a bit doing it, but just knowing her stomach isn’t a bottomless pit is enough for me—

  “I’ve been on a diet lately. I gained a little weight at the eating contest, so I’ve been calling it quits when I’m around fifty percent full.”

  What…did she just say? Fifty percent?

  That took me by surprise, but Lammis’s and Hulemy’s jaws drop to the floor as they stare in awe at Shui.

  “That eating contest sure was fun. It would have been better if there was twice the amount of food.”

  I get it. I’m sorry. I humbly admit defeat.

  I was naive to think I could beat Shui. I’ll get my revenge after I’ve acquired more food-related features.

  There are a few food-related vending machines I don’t have yet that I’ve been saving for a rainy day. Once I learn them, I’ll be sure to fill you up.

  But for now, I admit my defeat and give her these words.

  “I await your next visit.”

  Several months later, after rising to food-related heights that could hardly compare to my current state, I would eventually try to get my revenge. The result was—

  A New Stratum

  I’ve been continuing my business as usual in the Clearflow Lake stratum, but demand has been going down
lately.

  Nevertheless, I’m still turning a profit. The eateries are the bulk of my orders, and I sell them ingredients periodically. I still provide contraceptives to Shirley, too, so I’m making enough money.

  If I was after more profits, I could move to another stratum and do business there, but it’s nice here, so I wouldn’t mind settling here permanently.

  Of course, I can’t move by myself, so any emigration would depend on Lammis.

  “Boxxo! Captain Kerioyl says he has a request. Let’s go together.”

  As I was lost in thought, Lammis came and spoke to me.

  The captain has summoned us, has he? I heard they’ve been doing some investigation, so our next expedition destination may be locked in. If we’re going to be fighting a stratum lord, I’ll need to save up a lot of points. Both for food provisions and Force Field activations. That’s my given duty, after all.

  “Oh, great, you’re here. Take a seat.”

  Lammis, Hulemy, and I, the invitees to the Menagerie of Fools’s tent, sit down in front of the captain.

  I haven’t been in here since Shui brought me here to brag. Inside the large tent are several wooden boxes with reinforced metal frames, and some of the Fools have them open and are rummaging through them. They must keep their personal possessions inside.

  “Like I said before. We’ve decided which stratum lord to beat next. We plan to take down the King of Souls in the Dead’s Lament stratum. I’d like the three of you to participate.”

  Just the name of the stratum sounds disturbing. It’s got to be the kind of place with all sorts of undead roaming around. And the King of Souls, is it? I imagine a skeleton mage wearing an expensive-looking robe, but I wonder what he’s actually like.

  “Dead’s Lament, huh? If I recall, that one’s filled to the brim with gross stuff like corpse fiends and skeleton fiends. Speaking of which…Lammis?”

  Hulemy seems to have remembered something, and she peers at Lammis’s downcast face; she hasn’t said a single word. I follow her gaze… Is she trembling?

  “Are we…really…g-going there?”