Sanguine

by Carolyn Denman

  The floorboards were chilly as I tiptoed out of the room. What had happened to the old lino that used to curl up in the corners? The fake wood under my feet was just weird. I followed the grain all the way to the tiny kitchen of the old farmhand cottage and tried to focus on my first task. Brewing coffee. How did that work again? There was a machine that looked vaguely familiar, but it had buttons and levers and I was fairly certain I was going to screw it up if I tried to use it. Opening every cupboard, I searched around for the coffee tin. Surely every kitchen had coffee somewhere? Eventually I just put the old kettle on, relieved that I at least recognised what it was, and then set about making breakfast, raiding the fruit bowl and trying not to care about the lack of variety in it.

  The next thing I knew, Bane came blundering into the kitchen, crashing through chairs to get to me. He moved me away from the stove, switching off all the knobs and nearby power points.

  ‘Lainie, that’s not quite how it works,’ he said, his husky morning-voice sounding tense. The kettle was spitting like a frightened lizard and boiling over because I’d overfilled it. I squeezed back some unruly tears. Aunt Lily was going to be cross with me and I didn’t want anyone cross with me.

  ‘It’s all right,’ he assured me. ‘Be patient with yourself. It’ll all come back to you soon, I promise.’

  He looked down at the meal I had laid out for us, and then glanced back at me in amazement. The orange I had carved for him looked like one of the flowers I could see from my shelter in Eden. I had found some other vegetables too. One by one he examined them. Each one was a replica of a plant or animal from across the Boundary. I couldn’t tell him about it, or write anything down, but I could carve images. No way could I begin to understand how that was supposed to work.

  I picked up a butterfly-shaped pear and held it to his lips.

  ‘Lainie, that’s far too beautiful to eat, it would be a waste!’ he exclaimed, stretching out a fingertip to touch it.

  Why was everything so confusing? I wasn’t doing anything right. How could something be too beautiful to eat? He’d seen it. It wasn’t wasted. Not eating it would have been wasteful. I tossed the pear back and slumped into my chair.

  ‘Okay! It’s okay. I’ll eat it. I was trying to tell you that it was pretty, that’s all,’ he said, pulling out a chair for himself.

  Then why didn’t he just say that? My teeth snapped together in annoyance. It was going to be a very complicated day.

  As he nibbled on the butterfly, I studied his movements, taking note of every subtle cue. The language he didn’t even know he was using. He looked different this morning, healthier, more relaxed. He was still wearing the loose pants he’d slept in and hadn’t had time to put on a shirt in his rush to prevent me from getting electrocuted. His hair was much shorter than the last time I had seen him, but still looked beautifully sleep-tousled. His enormous pale grey eyes were locked on mine and they were full of joy. And questions. It was obvious that he wanted to know why I had come back so I started to tell him about Dallmin. After a few seconds he stopped me.

  ‘I’m sorry. I don’t know what you’re trying to say.’

  Right. English. Out loud. I knew that. I took a breath and started again. The words sounded so harsh to my ears. For so long I had only spoken in English to Annie and Dallmin, and only really when Dallmin had pestered me to teach him. It was a good thing he’d learnt so fast, he would need it now.

  I expected Bane to be horrified by what Annie and I had done, letting Dallmin cross over the Event Horizon so easily, and yet he looked happy. So I asked him why.

  ‘Because it means I have time. I agree that we need to find him as soon as possible, but I was worried you might change your mind and leave again too quickly for me to convince you not to,’ he explained.

  ‘You don’t want me to go back.’

  He put down the pear, took hold of my hand and looked me right in the eye. ‘Of course not. But I know you were happy there so I’m not certain what you want.’

  At last, he was starting to make sense. He thought I had two wants.

  ‘Are you happy to be home?’ His words were careful, like he was asking someone if they were ready to turn off a loved one’s life support machine. So serious.

  I glanced out the window to where the grey hills stretched up to try to hold on to the last of the morning stars. Different, and yet still pretty. I would never tire of that view.

  ‘It smells like baking cookies here. Not literally,’ I clarified, wincing at the burnt electrical smell that didn’t bode well for the kettle. ‘I mean in my heart. It smells like cookies in my heart.’

  ‘You like cookies.’ His voice was hopeful, although somewhat uncertain. ‘You want—’

  ‘I want you. I understand that now,’ I butted in, automatically signing as well, to make myself very clear.

  He looked both relieved and joyful, but as I leant over to kiss him he pulled away again, whispering something under his breath. Things were complicated here and I was having trouble reading him again.

  ‘Bane? Do you have two wants? Have you been happy?’ I tried to remember the reasons I’d thought he would be happy for me to be gone. He’d had other things to do and couldn’t be near me to do them. Like the army. ‘Army!’ I cried in a sort of squeaky whisper. What if he had joined the army and had to leave me?

  ‘No, Lainie. I have not been very happy. I only ever wanted you. I joined the Army Reserves because Lily said you wanted me to, and because I thought I could learn something that might help if … if you ever came back and …’ he swallowed. He didn’t wish to tell me. I shrugged. Then I’d rather not know.

  ‘All is well,’ I reassured him, smiling as I realised how dippy that must sound to anyone who didn’t know Annie. Then I remembered something else. ‘Do you have to go back? There are … rules?’ The whole concept felt wrong. He should do whatever he liked.

  ‘No. It’s just the Reserves. I’m free to leave at any time. I’ve already told Tim.’

  ‘Tim brought you home.’

  ‘Yes. He’s a good friend. I owe him a lot.’

  I brightened. ‘Then I’ll give him something. What does he like?’

  Bane’s mouth twitched in an almost-smile as he thought about it. ‘He likes a lot of the same things you do.’

  ‘Fairy bread.’

  The almost-smile finally blossomed into a soft laugh. ‘I was thinking more along the lines of comics, gaming and really fat books, but food works too. He’s always hungry.’

  With a grin, I grabbed a piece of carved fruit from the table and darted out of the cottage, racing towards the main house. When he caught me halfway up the hill I got distracted again, as I taught him to play the way people played in Eden. We chased each other around the home paddock laughing and throwing gumnuts at each other until Bane tripped over Wendy, who was clearly on my team, and then slipped in the mud and the dog and I won fair and square.

  The sun had recently risen and I could hear the rooster announcing to the world how handsome he was. A light mist rose from the dam, swirling around the wood ducks as they glided through the water leaving serene little v-shaped ripples behind them. It wasn’t so bad here. Not if I could still play. I showed him how to run up a tree trunk and flip over. He picked it up quickly. Then I taught him one of the easy dances I’d learnt. That was no problem for him as I knew it wouldn’t be.

  We danced together on the lawn until I got bored and bowled him over onto the damp grass so I could have a rest. He laughed while I peppered him with kisses and traced my fingers down his muscled arms, marvelling at the change in his physique since I had last seen him. My fingertips lingered on a long-faded scar on his right wrist. It looked like it had been a really painful wound and I noticed him watching me warily. Obviously he didn’t want me to ask about it so I kissed him deeply instead. A few moments later he pulled away, looking apologetic. I smiled and sh
rugged. If he didn’t feel like kissing me now, that was fine. Sort of. I was beginning to remember what it was like to have conflicting desires.

  ‘We need to take it slow for now, is that okay?’ he asked, sounding a bit uncomfortable.

  ‘Of course,’ I smiled, laying my head on his chest, looking at his wrist again. Something about his scar was bothering me and I couldn’t quite focus on what it was. Rather than fret about it, I closed my eyes and listened to his heart beat. It beat in perfect time with the music of the river—it was wonderfully soothing.

  Eventually I remembered Tim and jumped up and bolted to the house before Bane could stop me, picking up the fruit on the way. I tiptoed in through the back door, down the hallway and into the lounge room, where there was a snoring tangle of long limbs asleep on the sofa. Still panting slightly, I leant over and kissed him to wake him up. A bleary eye opened, focused on me, and then with a weird gargling sort of yell, Tim leapt up and tripped over the end of the sofa, tangling his foot in his woollen blanket as he went. Crouching down, he clutched at the blanket, trying to cover himself up. He was wearing silky looking shorts, what was the problem? Had I done something wrong again? I glanced back at Bane who was laughing so hard that he snorted. Heartened, I turned back to Tim and held the apple out.

  Tim looked from me to Bane, and then at my little gift. His eyes widened. ‘Is that an apple?’ His voice still slurred and sleepy.

  I nodded. It was shaped like a humming bird. I had practised for weeks to get it right and it was one of my favourites. It was only a little bit muddy from being dumped on the grass while Bane and I were dancing.

  Tim took it from me and inspected it with his eyes all squinty. ‘I’ve never seen anything like it. It looks like something you’d find in an expensive Malaysian hotel. Did you make this?’

  ‘Yup,’ I said, out loud and all.

  ‘It’s beautiful, thank you.’

  He stood there, looking uncertain, and I whimpered in frustration. Not him too. It was food.

  ‘You’d better eat it, mate, she’ll only get confused if you don’t,’ Bane told his friend in an amused tone.

  Tim nibbled on a wingtip, wincing as if it was a real bird. Somehow I would have to find something better to give him. He’d brought Bane home to me so I wanted to make him as happy as I could.

  ‘Come on, Lainie, let’s give him a chance to wake up. How about we go back to the cottage so we can get out of our pyjamas and then we can make some pancakes, if you like.’

  I didn’t understand why Tim needed a chance to wake up. He was already awake, wasn’t he? I followed Bane out the front door anyway. Pancakes sounded fun.

  ‘I can’t believe how long your hair is,’ Bane said, tying my thick plait into a giant knot while I licked syrup from my fingertips. ‘Did you need it to escape from a tower or something?’

  I glowered at Noah, who grinned back. Tying my hair in knots used to be one of his favourite pastimes when we were kids, so he knew how I felt about it.

  ‘She probably never even once considered cutting it in the last three years,’ Noah said, showing Bane how it was done by sticking a spoon handle into the knot just to see if it would stay. ‘We’ll have to get the shearers to clip it when they come to do the sheep. Ordinary scissors won’t cope.’

  The look on his face challenged me to come up with a clever retort, but his smile dissolved quickly when all I could manage was to splutter out a couple of words. ‘Three years?’

  With a groan he undid my ridiculous hair style and crouched down next to my chair. ‘Just over three. You left in January, and it’s now the end of April.’ He gripped my hand and looked me in the eye, concern clouding his sunny expression.

  ‘Not possible. Don’t even joke about something like that,’ I complained, cross that he would mess with me that way. I yanked my hand away, rolled up another pancake and added it to my sculpture. Across the table, Aunt Lily sighed and I refused to look at her. The last thing I wanted to see was that sympathetic look in her eyes that meant that Noah was telling the truth.

  Tessa stood up and produced an overly sunny smile. ‘Tim, could you please give me a hand hanging out the washing? It’s a big basket and I’m not supposed to lift anything heavy.’

  ‘Of course,’ he said, nicking one more pancake from the stack by the stove before following her out. Everyone else stayed silent until we heard the laundry door close. Then they all looked at me with puppy dog eyes.

  ‘Time travels the same in Eden as it does here,’ I insisted, poking a toothpick savagely into my pancake unicorn’s forehead. ‘And I’ve only been gone a year … or so.’

  Noah crossed his arms. ‘What colour is it now?’ he asked me, stumbling a little on the words. Talking about the Living Fruit was difficult, especially with Aunt Lily in the room, but I knew what he meant.

  ‘Orange,’ I mumbled, feeling a little sick, yet determined to prove myself right.

  ‘And how many times have you seen it change to orange?’

  Plucking at my lower lip, I tried to think. There had been that time when Beltana had first told me what orange was like. I remembered because Noah had visited soon after, and I’d chased him around until he agreed to taste it and he’d made a stupid joke about Adam never having stood a chance, and I’d had to remind him that Adam was supposed to eat the Living Fruit—it was the other tree that had caused all the problems. It was when he’d come to tell me that the government had put a hold on all coal seam gas mining and were planning a parliamentary inquiry into its side effects. The mine north of the farm had miraculously run out of gas anyway—he’d come back to tell me that too … Then the next time I remembered thinking that it seemed like such a short time since I had last seen it turn orange …

  ‘It’s no good,’ I shrugged. ‘I can’t remember. It’s all too hazy.’

  Over by the bench, Bane was scowling into his coffee mug. He looked upset, and I couldn’t work out why.

  My aunt passed me a cup of tea and a damp cloth. There was lemon juice all over my hands which I hadn’t really noticed. ‘Are we sure that time moves the same?’ she asked.

  ‘Yeah,’ Noah replied. ‘Technically it does. But it … feels different. Kind of like when you play a really good computer game and suddenly realise that it’s four am.’

  Bane tossed his nearly full mug of coffee into the sink and then proceeded to collect everyone’s dishes whether they’d finished with them or not. Definitely annoyed. His body language was clear. I had done something he didn’t like. I opened my mouth to ask what the problem was, but he glanced away. He didn’t want to talk about it, so I kept quiet. Instead I sat still while Noah filled me in on everything I had missed.

  Chapter 18

  After breakfast I invited Bane to come for a walk around the paddocks with me, hoping it would help to smooth out my curled-up memories. Autumn was a gorgeous time of year on a sheep farm. Everything that had been dry and dusty finally began to heal with the first of the rains, and the new grass grew in frenzied bursts to try to beat the first frosts. Autumn lambs bounced everywhere, clean and new. There was something about the smell of sheep that made everything feel right. Automatically, I checked on every water trough and dam level we passed as I had done ever since I could walk, and noticed every loose bit of fencing wire and every wobbly post along the way. Unlike before, I also noticed the way the trees slept as they waited for their next drink, and the way sunlight bounced joyfully off the old tin shed, caught in silken webs by the tiny spiders who never stopped searching for a better quality neighbourhood in which to build their next home.

  Everything felt so familiar, and yet still confusing—when I tried to say hello to the sheep they kept running away from me, birds flew off every time we got anywhere near them and I had forgotten how stinky everything could be. I’d brought along some carrots for the horses, and was thrilled when they didn’t flinch away. Alonso even rubbe
d his head against me when I scratched the hollow part under his jaw. It made me wonder how the zebra filly was doing. I would miss watching her grow. Or would I? Perhaps it really would be better for everyone if I went back. I thought I knew what I wanted, but Bane was difficult to read and so I was as confused as ever. Most of the time he seemed to crave being close to me, and yet he kept pulling away. He said he was glad that I was back, only he wouldn’t tell me what I had done to annoy him. The subtle complexities of relationships outside of Eden were beyond me. It wasn’t like I’d been very good at them even before I’d left. Perhaps he was the one who needed time to adjust. That sounded right, but my mind was having trouble wrapping around the concept. Things were far more straightforward back home in Eden. No secrets, no doubts, and complete trust that everyone liked you.

  Hands grasped my shoulders and turned me until I was face to face with my Guardian. In an instant my body reacted to his touch in a way that I hadn’t felt in all the time I had been away. He was so close, and vibrant.

  ‘Something’s bothering you,’ he said, eyebrows wrinkling in a frown. Frowning. Not smiling. It was all very tricky.

  ‘Me? You’re the one who’s annoyed and won’t tell me why. Do I need to give you time to adjust?’ I asked, somewhat feebly. It was so hard to know what he wanted when he gave such conflicting body language.

  His eyebrows rose in alarm. ‘Time to adjust? Oh, because I asked to take it slow?’ He gave a regretful smile, and then frowned again. ‘Wait, what makes you think I’m annoyed?’