Redemption

by Robin Covington

  Carlisle

  “I came back for you.”

  I can’t lie, not about this. Even though every part of me is screaming for me to deny this truth, I can’t. I barely get the words out of my mouth before Mateo is on me, his lips pressing against mine, his tongue pushing for entrance I freely give. It isn’t the sweet, tender kiss you would imagine after months spent apart. No, this is rough and brutal and almost painful in its intensity.

  I am on fire. My skin is burning, my blood running hot like lava in my veins. I move my hands from his shirt to around his neck, pulling him even closer when he groans like this contact just might kill him.

  The slow burn in my belly is amazing, confirming that the sensations that had gradually returned were back and making me ache with need. My own experimentation with fingers and toys has produced orgasms and I am so relieved to experience them again. But they are nothing like his touch and I arch into it, barely registering the clatter of my crutches to the floor at our feet.

  I’m not worried about falling. Mateo has me wrapped in his arms and he was holding me tight.

  “I missed you so much, Tesoro.” His words breathed against my cheek make me shiver and I blink back the tears of joy at hearing him call me “his treasure” once again. “I missed you.”

  “I missed you too.”

  Laughter erupts behind us as a group of people walk by, reminding me of where we are. Anyone can walk by and see us.

  Anne can walk by and see us.

  Mateo is not mine.

  I lower my hand and push at his chest, ducking my face away when he leans back in for another kiss.

  “Stop,” I demand, emphasizing my point with a shove. He moves back and I lower myself to the bench behind me, running a hand over my heated cheeks. What had been fiery passion was now nothing but the ache of unfulfilled longing and burning shame. “We are not these people.”

  There are two beats of silence before he speaks and his voice is heavy and dark. “Fuck.”

  “We can’t do this, Mateo. We shouldn't be doing this at all. What if Anne had seen us?” I raise my face to look at him and see what I know is reflected on my face. “She would be devastated, hurt. We are not the people who would do that to someone else.”

  “You’re right Carlisle. You’re absolutely right.”

  His voice breaks and he raises a hand to his face but I see his expression before he covers it up and what I see kills me.

  Stricken. Devastated. Broken. Ashamed.

  Those words are the first that come to my mind and I feel sick.

  “I won't deny that I still have feelings for you Mateo but I don’t want what we had to be spoiled by us making it ugly and hurtful.”

  “Neither do I.” He finally looks at me and I can see the pain and confusion in his eyes and etched in the lines on his face. “Anne is a good person.”

  “She is and now is your time with her. We had our chance, yeah?” I nod and attempt a smile but my lips are too wobbly with the tears I am fighting to hold back. “I think we just need time. Time to adjust.”

  Time to avoid each other until I don’t love him anymore.

  “It’s just... ” He stops and considers his words and I hold my breath, wondering what he will say next. “We just need time.”

  We stare at each other for several long moments as the party is happening all around us. In another time we would have been out there with them, holding hands, dancing, kissing. Maybe we would have left the party and come to this very spot for deeper kisses and whispered promises for later. Our being together would have hurt no one and we wouldn’t have hurt each other.

  “I might have made a mistake coming back to Nashville,” I say.

  “Don't say that.”

  “I think it was selfish of me to expect for us to be able to start over or be friends. We have too many people in common to avoid each other and sooner or later this is going to ruin whatever we could hope to salvage.”

  “I will miss you too much if you go somewhere else,” he says, before he kneels down in front of me so we can be eye level. “This is really fucked up right now and I have no clue what I’m doing or what I’m going to do but I don’t want you to go. It’s selfish and I have no right to ask you but I’m doing it.”

  My heart squeezes at his words and I feel something else in my chest and I recognize it for what it is: hope. Hope for him to come back to me. Hope that maybe I can learn to be content with just having him in my life. Hope is a bitch. She’s the friend who swears to always be there and then ditches your ass when she gets a boyfriend. I hate hope.

  I can’t afford to have hope where Mateo is concerned because I will always yearn for the thing I cannot have. Somebody has to be the honest one in this crazy mess. It looks like it is me.

  “I don’t think I can promise you that, Mateo.”

  He opens his mouth to protest and I brace myself for his protest, but we are interrupted by Max appearing in the opening of the alcove.

  “Mateo, Anne is looking... ” He sees his cousin at my feet and his eyes grow wide with shock and so many questions. “Is there something wrong? Are you okay Carlisle?”

  I muster a smile for him and even pat Mateo on the shoulder like he’s a good dog who just obeyed my command to fetch or sit. “The crowd was too much with my crutches so Mateo brought me over here to rest for a bit, but now I think I really just want to get a cab and head home.”

  Mateo’s eyes clash with mine and he frowns, shaking his head as he picks up my crutches and stands. “You don’t have to go.”

  I break eye contact because if I keep looking at his gorgeous blue eyes, I will stay. “I think I’ve had enough excitement for tonight. It’s time for me to go.”

  Mateo hands over my crutches and I hook them over my forearms and rise to my feet. I avoid touching him and smile at Max. “Can you take me to the lobby so that I can hail a cab?”

  “I can take you,” Mateo offers but I shake my head.

  “I think I’ve kept you from Anne long enough.” It’s a borderline shitty thing to say and I know but I’m in full-on retreat mode and with the way he’s looking at me, I’m not sure he’ll just let me go. “It was good to see you Mateo. Thanks again.”

  He gives me a significant look but he goes, leaving me behind with Max who doesn’t look like he’s buying any of it.

  “Just don’t.” I hold up my hand when he opens his mouth. “I can't talk about it. I’m all talked out.”

  “How do you know what I’m going to ask?”

  I give him the same look Mateo just gave me. “It’s what I would ask.”

  He nods. “Fair enough but if you need to talk... ”

  “I’ll call Kit.”

  He laughs and offers his arm to me as we head to the elevators. “I like having you back in Nashville Carlisle Queen. I hope you decide to stay awhile.”

  “We’ll see,” is all I can answer.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Mateo

  “I thought you were staying with Anne,” Zane says as I walk through the door at three in the morning.

  I throw my keys on the table behind the sofa and walk to the fridge, opening it and snagging a beer from the shelf. I pop the top on the edge of the countertop and walk back to the couch where Zane is sitting and ease myself back on the cushions.

  “What? You didn't bring one for me?” he asks, his hands open wide in the universal signal for “what-the-fuck-one-way”?

  I flip him the bird and take a sip of my beer, dodging the pillow he throws at my face when he gets up to get his own beverage.

  “If you're this much of an asshole, I bet Anne threw you out.”

  “I broke up with her,” I say and take another sip while staring at the scuffed top of the coffee table we got for ten bucks at Goodwill the first week of sophomore year, when we moved out of the dorms and into our first apartment. “This table is a piece of shit, Zane. We should get a new one. You’re working now, buy us a new fucking table.”

 
He sits down next to me and places his feet on the table in question. “I like this table. I had my first three-way on this table.”

  “Sentimental value for the win,” I say and chug back the rest of the bottle.

  Zane hands me his beer.

  “I kissed Carlisle at the party so I broke up with Anne.”

  “Do you want to kiss Carlisle again?” he asks.

  I nod. “More than I want to do anything else on the planet.”

  “Well, then breaking up with Anne was the right thing to do.” I shift to look at him and he examines me, his expression twisted with his confusion. “What? What’s going on?”

  “I don’t know if I can be with Carlisle. We’ve got a terrible track record, so much shit under the bridge.”

  “You guys weren’t together long enough to have a track record. It will be like starting new.” He shrugs. “It’s probably better to start new.”

  “Just let all that shit go? Act like it never happened?” I lean back on the sofa and stare at the ceiling. The dart we threw up there about a year ago is still wedged in the drywall. “A fresh start.”

  “Brand new except that you two crazy kids are already in love. You never stopped. I know it. You know it. Max knows it. The only one who didn’t know it was Anne.”

  “Well thanks for making me feel like a bigger dick,” I grumble and pick at the label on my beer bottle. “I didn’t mean to hurt her. I thought Carlisle and I were done.”

  He shakes his head and laughs. “You two are never going to be done. You’ve got epic love song written all over you. Trust me, I know it when I see it.”

  “I need to talk to her. She was talking about leaving Nashville.” I reach for my phone and slide the screen to access my contacts, too late remembering that the number I had for Carlisle was disconnected when she left. “Fuck, I’ll have to ask Kit for her number tomorrow and then figure out where to find Carlisle.”

  It blows my mind that I don't know where the person I love most in the world actually lives.

  “I have her number and I also know where she’ll be tomorrow,” Zane says with a grin on his face that says I’m going to pay for the information.

  I groan but I know that whatever the price, I’ll pay it.

  “I’m not wearing a dress or eating anything alive,” I warn him and groan when all he does is laugh.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Mateo

  I’ve never seen Carlisle swim in person, only on TV.

  I walk into the competition size pool at the University and nod at the lifeguard watching her closely as she shoots through the water like a bullet. Her long and lithe body moves in one flawlessly executed movement and the sheer power of it takes my breath away.

  “She’s amazing isn’t she,” the man standing next me says as she dives under the surface and executes a perfect flip turn. “She was born to be in the water.”

  “She’s so fast,” I say and I know my voice is full of awe.

  The guy chuckles beside me and glances down at the stopwatch he’s holding. “Not fast enough for her, I’m afraid.”

  “Is she tough on herself?”

  “I won’t be able to get word in edgewise with the ass chewing she’ll deliver to the girl in the mirror.” He picks up a clipboard and writes down something on the sheet and smiles. “Easiest coaching job I’ve ever had. So much talent and drive. I almost don’t need to be here.”

  Carlisle stops swimming and looks over at us, her eyes flaring wide with surprise at my presence. I wave and she waves back, a slight smile lifting her lips. She glides through the water, grips the edge and hauls herself out. A wheelchair is just behind her and I step forward to go help her but the guy next to puts a hand on my arm, stopping my progress.

  “Unless you want to pull back a bloody stump, you need to let her do it. She’ll ask for help if she needs it.”

  I stay where I am and watch her movements as she rolls the chair to her, sets the brake and lifts herself into the seat. She rolls over to a bench and removes her swim cap and grabs a towel, throwing it over her shoulders before joining us. She smiles at me but her focus is on her coach.

  “How did I do, Joe?”

  “You need to shave fifteen seconds off your time,” he looks at me and grins when she mutters “fuck” under her breath, “And you need to work on keeping your hips from dipping down too low. It gives you too much drag. Use your weight work to strengthen your core and it should help a lot.”

  She nods and if the fierce determination on her face is any indication, she’ll make it happen.

  “Got it.” Done with business, Carlisle makes the introductions. “Joe Griggs this is Mateo Butler.”

  We shake hands and then he moves off to gather their practice stuff.

  “What are you training for?” I ask, suddenly nervous about my real reason to be there.

  “I’m going to compete in the next Paralympics.” She’s running the towel over her body and squeezing the excess water out of her hair and delivers the news that she is going to compete on an international level again like it’s something we all do.

  “You’ve got a long way to go,” Joe replies.

  “And every time you tell me that, I am more and more determined to tell you to kiss my ass.” She punctuates her words with a directly aimed glare.

  I laugh at the exchange, enjoying the play between the two of them, the pink of her cheeks. Her eyes are like emerald fire and I know it’s the joy of competing.

  “I think you’ll make it,” I offer and she turns to Joe and gives him an “I told you so” look before returning back to me.

  We stare at each other for a few minutes and I can see the big question of why I am here hanging over both of us.

  I take a deep breath and decide to jump in with both feet. “I broke up with Anne.”

  She pauses, her lips parting on a silent “oh” at my disclosure.

  “I’m sorry for that,” she whispers, “She seemed to be a very nice person.”

  “She was and she deserved more than what I could give her. So I ended it.”

  My words fall into the silence as I watch Carlisle and she looks everywhere but at me. Her fingers twist the towel in her hands, the biggest clue that she’s as nervous as I am.

  I decide to put us both out of our misery.

  “I was running errands today and you were on my list.”

  Her eyes snap to meet mine and her cheeks flush bright pink with her surprise. I can see her pulse pounding on her throat and she swallows before she answers.

  “At least I made the list.” Her lips twitch with the hint of a smile and it gives me the guts to continue.

  “You were first on the list but I was trying to get the nerve to come see you.” And then I keep going. “I wanted to see if you wanted to go out with me sometime. On a date.” I press my luck when her smile gets wider. “If you have time for a coffee now, I can wait.”

  “Will my wheelchair fit in your trunk? I got a ride from Joe, so I’ll need one home.”

  “I’ll make room.”

  ***

  The coffee house down the street from the University aquatic center is crowded and we opt for a table outside on the patio where it is quiet and almost deserted. Dusk has settled on the city and it’s a little chilly in the air but the outdoor space heater and my excitement over being here with Carlisle keeps it at bay.

  I come back to the table with our drinks and a couple of brownies and I settle into the chair next her wheelchair. I should probably give her some space but I don’t know if I can stand to be even a table-length away from her. She doesn’t seem to mind since she’s leaning towards me, our arms brushing against each other as we move.

  We both take a sip of our drinks but before it has a chance to get weird, I jump in.

  “It was really great to see you swimming again.”

  She brushes a stray curl off her face and tucks it behind her ear and my fingers itch to do that for her. I grip my coffee tighter in an effort to k
eep them to myself.

  “At the rehab place in Texas they really pushed me to get in the pool. Once I realized how much it helped my progress you couldn’t keep me out of it.”

  “And the Paralympics?”

  “That was me, being me. If there is someone to beat, I’m on it.” She shrugs her shoulders. “Time will tell if I’ll be successful or not.”

  “If I know you, you’ll dominate the field as usual.” She shrugs again and we stare at each other for several long moments before she begins, never breaking eye contact with me. I have no desire to look anywhere but at her so I’m good with it.

  “And what about you and medical school?” She reaches over and touches my hand, letting her touch linger before she returns it to her cup. “Max and Kit told me you’re doing great.”

  “I love it. It’s hard and I’m tired all the time but I’m glad I went.” I bump her with my shoulder and give credit where credit is due. “I’m glad you convinced me to go. I love working in the free clinic and I’m already planning to go into the General Practice track.”

  “So the Butler family practice will be a reality then?” she asks.

  “I’m sure Mari is happy up there looking down on her big brother.” I need to touch her so I reach over and take her hand, holding it between us. “Is this okay? I just can’t sit next to you and not touch you.”

  “It’s more than okay,” she whispers and I lean over, brushing our lips against each other. Soft and gentle, the hint of coffee on our lips. I pull back and her eyes are closed so I move in again and take another until she sighs. “People are probably watching us.”

  “They’re just jealous.”

  She laughs and moves away, just a little, enough for us to look at each other as we talk.

  “How often are you in the wheelchair?”

  “It depends on so many things. I use it far less than the crutches but if I have been on my feet a lot or if I my body decides to boycott, I’m usually in for a day or two. I’ve learned to read my body and the signals and I can stay out of it if I respect my limits and keep up my exercise.”

  “Do you still feel like you made the right decision?” I ask and I hold my breath not sure I’m ready to hear the answer. She seems to be happy but I know how hard the early days were for her and how much she doubted her choice.