What Might Have Been

by Glenda Sanders

  “Very well. But I don’t want to go into it over the phone, and Missy wants to be in on our discussion. Can you come over here?”

  “To your house?”

  “We would both enjoy the pleasure of your company,” he said with playful formality.

  She was still mulling over Richard’s abrupt change of attitude and mood as she rang the Benson doorbell. When he’d left her at 6:00 a.m. he’d been like a man taking the walk from death row to the gas chamber. And now he sounded...relieved wasn’t a strong enough word.

  They both came to the door. Richard was smiling. Missy greeted her with a hug before leading her into the family room, the back wall of which was a series of glass panels that overlooked the infamous atrium. Barbara tried not to think about Richard’s interrupted tryst as she sat down next to Missy on the sofa.

  Anticipation grew thick in the room, but no one spoke. Barbara spied the pictures of Missy’s baby in the ceramic frames on the coffee table and remembered holding Missy’s hand during the sonogram, then going with Richard to buy the frames.

  The silence stretched on. It seemed to Barbara almost as though they were all afraid to breach the volatile silence and yet, at the same time, she sensed that Richard and Missy were as close to bursting with the need to tell her what was going on as she was with curiosity to find out.

  Finally, unable to stand the pressure any longer, Barbara turned to Missy with an encouraging smile. “I hear you played hooky today and went to the beach.”

  Missy grinned sheepishly. “You won’t tell, will you? I didn’t have any tests today, and I’ll make up all my work.”

  “Missy and I wanted to get away for a while,” Richard said. “We’ve always done our best talking and thinking at the beach.”

  “Your secret’s safe with me,” Barbara told Missy in a conspiratorial tone. It was good to have dissipated some of the tension, especially when another prolonged silence ensued.

  “Missy and I had a long talk,” Richard said finally. “She understands a lot of things better now.”

  Missy concurred with a gentle nod.

  “Missy’s reached a very important decision. Missy, do you want to tell her?”

  As Missy nodded, her eyes were those of a frightened child, and Barbara was reminded of how young the girl truly was, despite the fact that she was pregnant.

  “I’m not ready to be a mother,” Missy said. “I want to be able to go out with my friends, and after high school I want to go to FSU and live in the dorms. Someday, when I’m older and meet the right person, I can get married and have children when I’m ready for them.”

  Barbara’s gaze locked meaningfully with Richard’s before she turned her attention back to Missy. “That sounds like a very mature decision, sweetheart.”

  “I want to let someone very special adopt my baby.”

  Barbara’s heart ached for Missy and the tiny being inside her, but she forced herself not to let Missy see what she was feeling, especially when Missy’s chin quivered. Missy didn’t need sympathy, she needed strength and support.

  Missy looked at Richard, who nodded encouragement; then she turned back to Barbara. “I want...you to adopt my baby.” A tear trickled down her cheek. “You and Daddy.”

  Blinking back her own tears, Barbara looked questioningly at Richard.

  He grinned self-consciously and shrugged. “The cat’s out of the bag, Barbaloo. She knows all about us.”

  “Oh,” Barbara said. “Oh-h-h-h.” It was not eloquent, but it was sincere. And it was the only sound she was capable of as she threw her arms around Missy and, rocking her, succumbed to her own tears.

  “There’s no one else I’d rather give it to,” Missy said. “You’ll be a good mother. Oh, Ms. Wilson, I’m so glad it could be you.”

  Countless minutes passed before their tears were spent and sobs gave way to an occasional sniff. “Do you mind if I talk to your father alone for a moment?” Barbara asked, pulling away slightly.

  Grinning, Missy shook her head. “I don’t mind. You guys probably have a lot you need to discuss. I’ll be in my room if you need me.”

  She sounded so adult and...parental that Barbara couldn’t hold back a smile of pure affection for the teenager as she watched her walk from the room.

  Then, suddenly it seemed, Barbara and Richard were alone. For a moment they sat staring at each other like figures in a painting. Then Barbara swallowed. “You told her about us?”

  “We’d already talked about everything else. About Christine and...” He paused to collect his thoughts. “We were talking about adoption. Open adoption, where she could meet the adoptive mother, and she said, ‘You know what, Daddy? I wish Ms. Wilson was married.’”

  “She said that?”

  Richard nodded. “It floored me, too. When I had recovered from the surprise, I asked her why, and she said, ‘Because then she could adopt my baby.’”

  He smiled so sweetly that Barbara felt a brush of fresh moisture on her cheeks as she smiled back at him. Although they were close enough to touch hands if they’d reached for each other, he seemed much too far away.

  “She said,” he continued, “that you understood what a mother was supposed to be, and that you wanted children for the right reasons, and that if you were married, you could adopt her baby.”

  Barbara was too overcome by emotion to speak.

  Richard continued. “Well, it had been a day for truth and revelation, so it seemed natural to say, ‘I didn’t just know Barbara in high school. We were in love. And when we met each other again, we realized that we still care about each other, and I’ve asked her to marry me.’”

  Barbara swallowed. “Wh-what did she say?”

  “She was surprised.”

  “I’ll bet.”

  He laughed. “She wanted to know if you’d said yes. And then there was a lot of hugging and some mention of the fact that you’d be her stepmother, and then the subject of adoption came up again. She asked if I thought you’d want to adopt the baby, and if I would agree to it if you did.”

  Barbara drew in a ragged breath. Her chest felt tight. “And what did you say?”

  “I told her I was pretty sure you’d be delighted by the idea.” He waited for some reaction, then asked, “Aren’t you?”

  Barbara forced herself to reply calmly. “You know how I feel about Missy’s baby.”

  Richard chuckled nervously. “Does that mean we’re going to be parents?”

  “That depends on you.” She was afraid—afraid to believe it might really be happening. Afraid to believe that Richard could want it as much as she.

  “Me?”

  “Yesterday you found the prospect of a baby in the house pretty daunting.”

  “It’s my grandchild, Barbara. My flesh and blood. Do you think I could turn him away?”

  “Not turning a child away is not exactly the same as wanting one. Parenthood is teamwork, Richard, like marriage. I won’t settle for anything less than a full, participating partner.”

  She followed his gaze to the pictures in the baby blue ceramic frames, and caught the brightness of tears in his eyes before he blinked them away. “I’ve gotten used to the little guy’s face,” he said. “I don’t want to miss out on watching him grow up.”

  “It would have to be an adoption in the truest sense. We’d be his parents and Missy would be his sister. Missy would have to understand that.”

  “She understands. We talked about that for some time. She thinks it’s the very best solution. And so do I.”

  His gaze met hers steadfastly. “It just feels right, Barbara. I missed a lot of the joy and wonder of parenthood the first time around. This time I’m more ready for it, emotionally, financially, every which way.”

  “You’re sure?” she asked, still absorbing the full implications of the situation, allowing herself to hope.

  “This time, I’d be sharing the experience with someone I love. Besides—” He grinned. “Missy’s going to be going off to school. The baby you a
nd I have together will need a playmate around.”

  “The baby you and I have?”

  His gaze was penetrating. “Do you think I could marry you, knowing how much you want to have a child, and deny you that experience?”

  Barbara was trembling. “I didn’t think...I couldn’t bring it up when you were so involved with Missy’s problem, but I didn’t really think you would want to start all over again with a baby.”

  “And you were going to marry me anyway?”

  “I spent too many years without you not to appreciate being with you,” she said, then paused briefly to draw in a fortifying breath. “Before you came back into my life, I’d already come to terms with the fact that I’d never bear a child.”

  Her eyes met his with unwavering intensity. “I’d rather spend the rest of my life with you, being your wife and Missy’s stepmother, than living without you or a child.”

  “And now you’re going to have it all.”

  Barbara was too filled with joy to sit still another moment. Rising, she held out her arms. “Do you think the woman who’s going to have it all could start with a hug? Because—” she succumbed to a sob of pure emotion “—I could sure use one.”

  Richard rose, spread his arms and said with a flourish, “Come to papa, sweetheart!”

  “Oh, Richard!” she said, burying her face against his chest, packing into those two words, a joyous expletive and the breathless pronouncement of his name, love and hope and expectation enough to last a lifetime.

  “Better?” Richard asked after holding her for a long moment.

  “Mmm,” Barbara said. “It just needs one thing to make it perfect.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Missy.”

  “Is that all?” he asked, then shouted with full paternal authority, “Missy! Get your tail in here. Right now!”

  The teenager was there in an instant, wide-eyed and apprehensive. His voice softened as he smiled at her. “Your new mother wants a three-way hug.”

  Missy ran to them and threw an arm across each of their shoulders. They teetered and swayed as a single entity, clinging to one another, supporting one another.

  “This is a family thing, isn’t it?” Missy asked.

  “Yes,” Barbara and Richard said in unison, and then laughed.

  “I like it,” Missy said. “A lot.”

  “So do I, sweetie,” Barbara said, her eyes meeting Richard’s above Missy’s head. “So do I.”

  Epilogue

  BARBARA GASPED as the transmission gel plopped onto her abdomen.

  “Aw, come on—it’s not even cold!” the technician teased. “Relax!”

  “I’m a little excited,” Barbara said.

  “You have a right to be,” the technician said, sliding the transducer into the gel. “It’s not every day you get a first glimpse of your baby’s face.”

  A flurry of motion drew their attention to the door.

  “What’s this?” he said. “We’ve got the entire family. I’m going to start selling tickets!”

  Missy came into the room, followed by Richard, who was cradling a toddler in his arms.

  “It’s about time you showed up!” Barbara said with mock severity.

  Richard leaned over and kissed her on the forehead. “We had a diaper emergency, so I was in the bathroom when the nurse came to get us.”

  “Were you a stinky boy?” Barbara asked the toddler.

  “Puu-uuey!” the toddler said, holding his nose.

  Barbara chuckled. “You little ham!”

  “Puu-uuey!” the toddler repeated.

  Barbara groaned and rolled her eyes. “What are we going to do with two at the same time?”

  “Love them,” Richard said, smiling broadly. “And stock up on vitamins.”

  “I’m looking for a face,” the technician said. “There’s an arm in the way. If the little fellow will just move a little bit.”

  Barbara, Richard and Missy stared at the monitor with rapt attention. Barbara grasped Missy’s hand.

  “There!” the technician said exuberantly. “Eyes, nose and mouth!”

  “Oh!” Barbara said. “Oh, Richard, Missy, look! Willy, do you see the face. That’s your baby brother. Or sister.”

  “Which is it?” Missy asked.

  “Let’s find out,” the technician said, slowly moving the transducer, pointing out arms and legs. Finally he paused the transducer. “Looks like a brother to me!”

  “A boy!” Richard said with a delighted chuckle. “What do you think of that, Willy? You’re going to have a baby brother.”

  “Baby in Mommy’s tummy,” Willy said, his eyes, so like Missy’s, twinkling as he spoke.

  “That’s right,” Richard said. “Mommy has your baby brother in her tummy.”

  “Love the baby,” Willy said.

  “Yes, we do,” Barbara said. “We love the baby just like we love Missy and Willy.”

  “You may feel some pressure while I do these measurements,” the technician said, but he went largely ignored.

  “It’s going to be pure pandemonium with two boys in the house,” Richard said. “Missy, don’t you want to go to college locally so you can stay at home and help out?”

  “No way!” Missy said. “If this baby is as rowdy as Willy, I’d never get any studying done!”

  Richard and Barbara exchanged amused grins, but Missy turned serious. “I’m glad you had your sonogram before I left for Tallahassee.”

  “I insisted,” Barbara said. “After all, this baby is your brother.”

  “Do you think I could have a picture of him to go with the family portrait we had done?” Missy asked. Meeting Barbara’s eyes, she squeezed Barbara’s hand and smiled. “I want to be able to see both my brothers every day.”

  “Of course you may have a picture,” Barbara said.

  The next morning Richard, Barbara and Willy stood in the front yard waving goodbye to Missy. As her car, loaded to capacity with the clothing, stereo equipment and other items essential to a college freshman, disappeared from view, Richard said, “I know she has to grow up. And I know she’s doing what’s good for her. But I’m going to miss her.”

  Barbara stretched her arm across his waist. “Even with Willy here, the house is going to seem empty without her,” she agreed.

  “Not nearly as empty...” Richard said, letting his voice trail off. After a beat of thoughtful silence, he began again. “When I think of how empty it would have been if I hadn’t found you again, it makes my gut tie up in knots.”

  “But you did find me,” Barbara said. “And we have Willy, and the new baby—”

  He spread his hand over her rounded abdomen and smiled. “Yes,” he said. “But they’re only ours until they grow up and go off to live their own lives. You and I—”

  “Are never going to have to waste our energy on regrets or wondering what might have been,” she finished for him.

  “It’s strange,” he said. “We lost all those years, and yet now, we have it all. Everything except the years we can’t bring back. Do you think...?”

  “What?” she asked.

  “That in some crazy way, we appreciate it more because of those lost years?”

  “I know I do,” she said.

  “I guess I do, too.”

  “That just leaves one problem,” Barbara said.

  “What?” Richard asked, showing his alarm.

  “We have to decide which of us is going to get that water hose away from Willy.” She bobbed her head toward the corner of the yard, where Willy was attempting to turn the handle of the water faucet with scrunch-faced determination.

  “Not again!” Richard said. “Willy!” He jogged toward the toddler, but he was too late. The faucet yielded and Willy picked up the garden hose and waved it wildly through the air. By the time Richard was able to wrest the hose away from him and turn off the water, father and son were drenched.

  “Daddy all wet!” Willy said, giggling delightedly from the security of his fa
ther’s arms.

  “He sure is,” Barbara said, laughing at the aggrieved scowl on Richard’s face. “But we love him, anyway, don’t we?”

  “Love Daddy,” Willy repeated, and Barbara could only nod in agreement as she watched Richard’s expression soften with a father’s tolerant love.

  Poor Richard. He was such a marshmallow. But then—that was one of the reasons she loved him so much.

  ISBN: 978-1-4592-8606-1

  What Might Have Been

  Copyright © 1994 by Glenda Sanders Kachelmeier

  All rights reserved. Except for use in any review, the reproduction or utilization of this work in whole or in part in any form by any electronic, mechanical or other means, now known or hereafter invented, including xerography, photocopying and recording, or in any information storage or retrieval system, is forbidden without the written permission of the publisher, Harlequin Enterprises Limited, 225 Duncan Mill Road, Don Mills, Ontario, Canada M3B 3K9.

  All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of publisher.

  All characters in this book have no existence outside the imagination of the author and have no relation whatsoever to anyone bearing the same name or names. They are not even distantly inspired by any individual known or unknown to the author, and all incidents are pure invention.

  This edition published by arrangement with Harlequin Books S.A.

  ® and TM are trademarks of the publisher. Trademarks indicated with ®are registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office, the Canadian Trade Marks Office and in other countries.

  www.Harlequin.com