Freedom

by Jaycee Dugard

  Todd read clue number three next:

  “You moved to Wood Valley up the hill and hung out for weeks. You wanted your kids to be healthy, so they saw physicians and dentists. The hermit crabs joined you and so did the bird. However, the four kittens you rescued had to stay in foster homes. When you and the girls needed new clothes, a friend took you shopping. And others brought you a brand-new telescope so you could look more closely at the stars and continue to have your dreams. Find clue number four.”

  I guessed it was with Liz and I was right.

  She read clue number four (by this time I was really excited and very emotional).

  Clue number four read:

  Chief Sackett was good at keeping an eye on you—what a great guy! Most of the time you didn’t even know he was driving by. And, lo and behold, your first driving instructor was none other than your tall little sister Shayna! But you started to get restless and needed money to rent a house—so the next step was to plan pictures for the press, hoping they’d be satisfied for a while. Tina made you and your mother beautiful, and you graced the cover of People magazine. Now, this didn’t work out as well as it might because you were missing an important member of your team. Enter Nancy Seltzer also known as Nanny Goat! Find Nanny Goat for the next clue.

  Nanny Goat read clue number five:

  “You rented a house and moved in November 2009. Finally, you were able to be reunited with those four kittens you had in the backyard. They were bigger now but so happy to be in their new home with you. You snuck in the back door of the DMV before hours and got your driver’s license, and I was able to fulfill your wish of transportation. With the help of an anonymous donor, you were blessed with a brand-new car! Find clue number six.”

  The clue read:

  Month after month went by; your little sister left for school. You ran your first 10K at Hit the Road Jack with your own personal cop! The girls were given a patchwork of education help with tutors and home teachers, but you really wanted them to get a formal official education. See if your aunt Tina has a clue to what happened next.

  My aunt Tina read the next one:

  “Clue number seven.

  “You knew your girls were smart, but you didn’t want anything to stand in the way of them having choices about college and their future. You have always felt education is important and you knew the choices for your girls would be another dream come true. Your girls are now enrolled in public school. Find clue number eight.”

  I read clue number eight.

  “Okay, I get it! Life is hard out here, but with help I’m getting there. I’m working on my book, which is being edited as we speak. I was able to get the papers for the JAYC Foundation nonprofit. Dale helped me hold the state accountable for their mistakes, and now I’m off to find a place of my own to live. But I need help—it has to have room for my girls, my cats, my new pal Bull, and a special place for my mom. Mom—what a great word—in fact, she has the next clue.”

  My mom read clue number nine.

  “We looked and looked at one house after another. Some were too big and some were too small. Some smelled funny and some needed too much work. You wanted room for horses, so we looked at some with barns. I have never given up hope that you would be found—and now in a new part of California we have new friends and a new home. And here we are—welcome home, kid.”

  That put me over the edge as she gave me a big hug and I let the tears stream down my face. Thinking, Gosh, I must be the luckiest person alive right now to have so many people that love me. And it wasn’t over yet—I still had that big surprise to find!

  Another friend read clue number nine:

  “There is so much more to this story, more than any of us will ever know. It has become the story of how a brave young mother and her two young daughters were reunited with a grieving mother, aunt, and sister. This new, larger family has a long road ahead, but with the help of a team of friends and the support of each other, they will persevere. A new home, wonderful pets, plans for a foundation to help others. But wait! One more thing: go see Rebecca for your last clue.”

  Rebecca read the last clue that she wrote herself:

  “On the twenty-seventh of August the phone rang at six a.m. It was NCMEC [National Center for Missing and Exploited Children] calling. They had an interesting case for me to consider. It involved the discovery of a missing girl who now had two children, a mother, a sister, an aunt, and a boatload of media freaks. I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. Team Jaycee kicked into gear. We found a house for you and stocked the refrigerator with food unfamiliar to you, and the rest is history. Recently I learned that it was not our renowned competence that brought you to us. Rather, you believed that an old woman psychologist had a ranch where you could teach your daughters to ride horses. Welcome to my humble abode. The animals quickly became an important part of the team. From the moment Stella gobbled up poison, to your mad dash to the hospital with Bull, it has been clear that animals are never far from your heart.

  “However, as we look around this incredible place, there seems to be something missing. But never fear, the team is here! We reached out to your friends and searched high and low for the perfect pinecone. The prettiest of all is a pinecone that resembles a flower. It is called a wood rose. We brought one for you today—Jaycee, meet Woodrose.”

  By this time, we were all gathered at the barn as she read the last paragraph of the clue. I have my eyes closed. When I open them, Margie is there in front of me walking up with the most gorgeous horse I had ever seen. My jaw literally dropped (I really thought that only happened in movies). Love at first sight. I was so stunned I didn’t know what to say. She handed me the reins, and I just threw my arms around him. What are the odds they found this horse for me with a name like Woodrose, which is a type of pinecone? For one thing, he is a boy horse, and it just struck me as such a girly name. And second, I have always had this connection with pinecones since I was taken at age eleven. It was the last thing I touched.

  My very own horse. Wow! I couldn’t believe all my friends and family got together and bought me my very own first horse. A beautiful Western saddle, too, and reins. I led him into the arena where I got on him for a ride for the first time. Margie led me around, and I remember waving like some kind of queen on her horse. I felt so special and loved. After me, my daughters each took a turn on him, too. I don’t remember much more of that day. I was so overcome with emotion. Oh yeah, I do remember the delicious chocolate cake shaped like a pinecone that a friend had made special for the occasion. It was the first pinecone cake I had ever had, and it was yummy. It was almost like a flourless chocolate cake, and it was in the shape of a pinecone, and she had decorated it to look like one, too. It was incredible. That whole day was incredible.

  Woodrose soon acquired the nickname of Cowboy. He was previously owned by a cowboy. Margie is a horse trainer and was the one who found him for the team to give to me. She took him to her place for a couple weeks and worked with him until the big day came to bring him to me. She started to call him Cowboy during those days, and it just felt right when she did. I learned that I was the ninth owner of Woodrose. I was stunned to learn that because he seemed like such a nice horse. Why would he have so many previous owners? He is a Haflinger and some say the jokesters of the horse world. I can see that in him sometimes. He does seem to like having fun but not in a harmful way. He will pull to eat grass, but I’ve learned to just be clear about what we are doing, and he usually gets the hint. I have had so many fun rides on him throughout the years, and Margie has taught me a lot about horses. I know I will be his last owner. He will never again have another.

  When I was a kid I didn’t think about the building blocks of relationships. I knew my mom loved me and my family, and it wasn’t really something I needed to work at. As a grown-up, I know people in the real world don’t just automatically love you or even like you. You have to work on yourself and like yourself, I think, in order for others to like you. Animal
s are different. Well, I like to think they are different and they all love me no matter what. I know my dog does. Every time he sees me, I know he is so happy. It shows in every aspect of his body language. My cats love me, too. They have a different way of showing love, and sometimes I think they just like me because I feed them. When my cat Zelda seeks me out for a cuddle, I admit my mind goes to Hey, you’re just looking for a warm spot. But then I think there are a million warm spots for her in this house, and she chose me. I think that means something. Horses are different. I expected to feel a connection right away with my new horse. Although he was nice and had nice manners and didn’t seem to mind me, I didn’t get that feeling of love that I obviously felt for him already. Which made me question myself. Do I love you? How can I? I just met you, for gosh sake. Why do I go instantly to love? The real question I should have been asking myself was, Who are you? What do you like and dislike? Can we be friends? The answers to these questions came slowly, and I learned I didn’t have to be loved instantly by my horse, because I was getting something so much better than love: I was learning how to build a relationship with my horse.

  Getting to know him was a little frustrating because I wanted instant gratification. And he just would not deliver. I groomed him three times a week and learned every curve and groove of his body. I picked the eye buggers from his eyes and learned to clean the dreaded sheath. Nasty job but just a part of owning a boy horse, ladies. During this time, I was still afraid of so many things about riding and really unsure of myself. Rebecca was helping me with my confidence, and we did a lot of ground work together. She taught me how to “join up” with my horse, which required us both to trust each other and for him to acknowledge I was in charge of our relationship. The work I was doing on the ground translated into my riding lessons with Margie, too.

  My most mad moment with Cowboy came early in our journey. Rebecca, Charles, and I decided to take our horses for a walk. Just a walk: we thought no big deal. Well, one of the horses spooked at something and Rebecca got a kick to her hand and was in excruciating pain. I wanted to run to her right away, but I was tethered with a big responsibility. Freesia took off running, which made Velcro want to run. Luckily, Charles had a good hold on her. I had a hold of Cowboy, but he was getting really prancy standing in place. I felt torn between wanting to go to Rebecca to see if she was okay and getting the horses back to the barn. Charles started out with Velcro to go collect Freesia, who really hadn’t gone that far. Horses are herd animals and like to stay together. So as he got her and started walking back to the barn, I went over to Rebecca. I was shaking pretty badly at that point. Seeing her in so much pain was hard. She was about ready to pass out. I was scared. Horses do pick up what you are feeling, and even though I had a hold on my lead rope, Cowboy felt a million miles away in his brain. He kept looking in the direction of the barn and the other horses. He wanted to be with them and not me. I know it’s dumb, but I kind of took that personally. Why wasn’t he okay just being with me? Didn’t he know I wouldn’t let anything happen to him? Apparently not, because I could feel his focus was not on me. I told Rebecca that I would take him back to the barn and come back for her as soon as I could. I was scared to go back all by myself. It was just him and me out on the trail. It was a narrow trail, too, with a hill on one side and a bit of a drop on the other. He was practically dragging me at one point. We had no trust in our relationship yet.

  I didn’t realize then but I know now that it takes time to build that kind of relationship with your horse. In his haste to move forward more, he went up the side of the hill, which had me on my knees from the sudden change in terrain. I was not letting go. My hands were hurting from the rope burn he was giving me and it was hard not to be mad. In fact, I was mad! I was finally mad at my horse for being such a doofus and hurting me! Why didn’t he trust me more? As I’m on my knees with blood coming out of a cut, I wanted to give up and just let him go. Give up and go back to my friend who was hurting, but I couldn’t do it. I looked up at him and shouted, “Hey! Stop that and get down here!” Maybe it was the sound of my voice or maybe he just remembered I was there, but he took a few steps down from the hill, and I picked myself up. He started to want to pull again, and as he took the first of what was to become I’m sure his many steps, I just planted my feet and stood my ground. “No!” I said. This made Cowboy come to a sudden stop. He was surprised at our lack of motion and looked at me for what I realized was the first time since the whole ordeal started. For the first time I really had his attention, not the horses he could hear whinnying in the distance. We looked at each other and I said to him, “It’s okay, boy, we are okay,” and I patted his nose. I knew I needed to get my emotions under control so I could get back to the barn unharmed and go back and help my friend. I took a deep breath, and he did, too. I decided I needed something to occupy my thoughts for a while so I started to sing “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” over and over again.

  As we marched forward together, the mad went away and I started to just talk to him and tell him what we were doing and that we would be back with his friends soon and then I could help my friend. I realized he was just scared. I think after that he trusted me a lot more. We made it back to the barn, and I raced back to help Rebecca. Charles took her to the hospital for her hand, which turned out to have a fracture. Very scary moments, but I learned that even in chaos you have the ability to make it what you want if you just sing your trouble away! Twinkle, twinkle, little star . . . how I wonder where you are.

  Me, Nanny Goat, and Rebecca.

  Me on my first horse.

  Sitting on my new horse for the first time.

  Just Sing!

  * * *

  I love music! All kinds of music from Lady Gaga to Garth Brooks. But the music of the ’80s holds my heart. From pop to rock, I love it all. I think it’s because it’s what I grew up on. My mom would play it in the car as she drove down the freeways of SoCal cooling my French fries out the window so I could eat them.

  When I was captive in the backyard, Phillip gave me an old stereo that he said he found in a secondhand shop. It came with two speakers. He said I could play it as long as I kept the volume low, and if he ever heard it from outside, he would take it away. He would use this kind of manipulation all the time to get what he wanted. He said he would hook up the speakers for me when he had time. As days passed without him “having time,” I got frustrated and figured out how to connect the speakers myself. I was so excited when I heard that first bit of static! After searching and searching for a station, I finally found one, and I will always remember the first song I heard on that radio. Actually, I had never really heard music like this before. It had been four years since I heard music and it had changed. The song was “Waterfalls,” by TLC. Its blend of lyrics and rap was completely new to me, and I sat there captivated. It was catchy. After I heard it the first time, I would catch myself singing it to myself during the day.

  Don’t go chasing waterfalls,

  Please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you’re used to

  I loved that radio. Somehow it made me feel connected to the world again after so many years apart. A, my first daughter, was just a baby then. I would hold her and dance us around our tiny cramped room to the music. At night when she would wake up, I would turn it down real low and rock her back to sleep. All these years later I still think about that song by TLC and still find myself at times humming it.

  “Puppy Love”

  * * *

  My aunt Tina had the cutest boxer named Crash. I loved his goofy personality and the incredible loyalty he showed to my aunt. Tina had gotten Crash in 2009, a few months before I was recovered. Crash was a rescue. He got the name Crash because he had been hit by a car and nearly died. His previous owner did not want to pay to save his life and gave him up. My aunt’s vet that she had used for years operated on him and saved his life. He knew Tina wanted a dog, and as soon as Crash was well enough for a home, he introduced him to her, and she ins
tantly fell in love. Because he was a puppy and still growing, the injury left him with a bit of a gimp leg and a hip that would give him a bit of trouble, but that never stopped him from what he loved best: his ball! He would play fetch for hours if you let him. Unfortunately, Crash died at the young age of six from an inoperable tumor that was growing inside of him. We all felt his loss, but none more than my aunt.

  Crash was the inspiration for getting my own dog. I wanted one just like him but also like Rebecca’s dog, Skye, who was a Labrador retriever. Skye had stayed close to us the first three months after we were recovered. She used to check the gate any time a car drove by the place we were staying. If the car stopped, she would come back and tell us with a loud bark. In the beginning, one of the FBI agents assigned to protect us had gotten up to check with her each time she went to the gate, but after a while the agent trusted Skye to let her know if she needed to check the gate. She was a great watchdog, but even better than that was her ability to help us all feel a little better. All qualities I wanted in my own dog. Skye and Rebecca’s other little dog, named Stella, had a way of popping into the therapy sessions when they were most needed. There is nothing better than a soft dog to cuddle when you are feeling really low.