Freedom

by Jaycee Dugard

  I think in the beginning I might have had more of a reaction to these robbers or maybe not. It’s hard to tell now. I can’t tell you one thing that made me better. I can’t even tell you why I’m not scared of everything in my world. All I can say is I got the best therapy in the world, and I had the best therapist in the world, and I had the best team working with her to help me and my family. I have the best mom, and I have the best family and friends. Even though I went through some very unlucky things, I don’t count myself an unlucky person . . . well, mostly. Bad things still happen to me, like the time I burned my back after putting one of those icy hot packs on and sleeping with it overnight. The next morning, I pulled it off and had the worst freezer burn ever. It hurt like crazy. Dumb things happen. Life happens all around us every day. I just deal with every situation, new or not new, with what’s in my brain. Some of that is new. Like the skills I learned when working with my friend Jane in the beginning, which really helped me prepare for doing those things by myself. So there’s not an easy answer of why I’m okay. I want to be okay and I think that helps a lot. I want to be out there in the world, going to places like Monkey River, Ireland, and the Grand Canyon. Seeing and doing all I can.

  From the train we got on a bus that would take us to the canyon. Luckily, I landed a window seat on the bus, so my first sight of the Grand Canyon was not blocked. I remember thinking whoever named this landmark was right. It was grand in every sense of the word. Beautiful colors throughout the different layers make it look like a painting. In fact, I think it doesn’t really look real. It’s just too big to be real.

  We decide to walk on one of the trails leading down into the canyon. I remember one boy commented on my choice of shoes, thinking they were not appropriate for walking. I chose to differ with him and said my Skecher sandals were actually quite comfy and quite adequate for the task. He obviously knew nothing of shoes.

  Tina really wanted to see the sunrise over the canyon. I kind of wanted to see it, but I didn’t want to get up so early. She won and we arranged to have a taxi pick us up at four in the morning to get us to the lookout we wanted. Our taxi driver wanted to know our position on desalination. At four in the morning my opinion was not quite forming. I was still half asleep. I was really thankful for the sweatshirt I had purchased the night before, because this morning was freezing. Taxi man went from talking about the state of the ocean water to classic cars in the blink of an eye. He said he liked to work on classic cars and fix them up and that his newest project was a 1980 Honda Civic. I remember looking at my aunt and rolling my eyes and thinking, Gosh, when did 1980 become classic? Wow, I felt old. I guess I missed more years than I thought and suddenly being born in 1980 was ancient—well, at least classic—status. I felt a little like Rip Van Winkle, waking up to this whole new world. Even though I feel a million years old sometimes, I’m only in my thirties!

  We finally arrived at our spot and it was a little scary being dropped in what felt like the middle of nowhere in the dark. Our eyes adjusted, and we found a spot to sit and wait. Others came and found their spots, too. I guess we weren’t the only crazy people who wanted to see the sunrise. As it got lighter out, I could make out more details around me. Looking out over the canyon, though, made me dizzy. I thought I saw the ledge and I thought I could make out the bottom. As it got lighter, though, I realized that it wasn’t the bottom and that the bottom was a long, long way down. The sunrise was spectacular and well worth the lost sleep. Having that special moment with my aunt was like eating a really good piece of chocolate cake but without all the calories.

  Our next fun thing was a helicopter ride over the Grand Canyon. I took my trusty Dramamine so I wouldn’t ruin the experience for myself. I thought it would be scary lifting off, but it was almost like the hot-air balloon ride I took. We just lifted up and it felt very smooth. My daughter was a little nervous at first. She really enjoyed it after she got used to the motion. We could all talk to each other with the headphones they gave us to put on during the flight. The pilot played music related to flying like “Come Fly with Me,” by Frank Sinatra, “I Just Wanna Fly,” by Sugar Ray, and “Elevation,” by U2. A little cheesy, but hey, I like cheesy. Hence my favorite movie being The Princess Bride—can’t get cheesier than “As you wish” and other great lines that I could probably quote quite easily. As you go over the trees and approach the canyon that one song that goes . . . well, I can’t really write it out, but you know the one with the drums. It’s from the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey. Well, anyway that song comes on when you fly over the canyon and it feels like the bottom just drops off underneath you and you get the feeling that all the air has left your lungs. It felt like we were falling, but we weren’t and that song is playing. It made it all seem much more dramatic than it really was. Once I recovered and told myself we were still in the air, it was easier to look around. What a sight. There were storms gathering in the distance. You could literally see the rain falling. The bottom of the canyon had a river going through it in places. Everywhere I looked it was just simply beautiful. We saw a couple of hawks or maybe they were eagles flying in circles on the hot air currents. Some of the formations we could just fly right over while others we had to climb to pass. There was even another helicopter that flew close by to us and then went on its way. The whole experience was really cool, and I was sad to have it end after only an hour and half of fly time. It was such a fulfilling, rewarding experience to be in such a beautiful place. I feel like I have seen the canyon by air, and next time I would like to explore the bottom by mule.

  Baked Potatoes

  * * *

  One of my kids’ pet peeves about me is why I don’t give more to homeless people we see on the street. Well, for one, I’m a little afraid of them. It’s an irrational fear because I wasn’t harmed or kidnapped by a homeless person. I also know that they have lives and families like everybody else and have just fallen on hard times. I guess for me the main thing is I sometimes feel that they don’t use the money in the way that I feel would be best. I think I don’t fully trust those I don’t know. I would much rather know where my money is going and how it is being used. Maybe I’m a control freak. It’s weird how some experiences can have a good effect on you and some experiences make you think the worst.

  One such experience that I think had more of an impact on me than I thought was one time when what appeared to be a nice-looking man asked me for some groceries. I was going into Walgreens and thought, Okay, I’m in a public place, safe. Why not help him out a bit? He looked harmless. I told him I would buy him a few things. He went and picked up a few things and I grabbed what I came in for. We entered the checkout line together. As I was paying for the few items he brought, I see him looking at the magazines. He immediately picked up one for ’tweens and remarked, “Wow, these kids look so grown-up.” I got a really bad vibe from that and immediately thought, OMG, I just bought groceries for a pedophile! We parted ways at the checkout counter, and I hurried to my car and locked the doors before I drove off. Who knows if he was a pedophile or not? It was just plain creepy. It reminds me not to judge a book by its cover because you never know who a person really is. Even a clean-cut person can harbor secrets. Phillip and Nancy always appeared to be two normal people, but look at all the nasty secrets they were hiding in their backyard—literally! Experiences like this have a tendency to make me think all homeless people are scary, but another time I realized that they do not intend any harm even if they look really scary.

  One day Rebecca and I were going into a market. There was a grungy-looking homeless guy on the street, and he asked for some money for a baked potato. Rebecca gave him the money. I told her, “He’s not really going to use that for a baked potato.” She said, “Maybe he will.” He really reminded me of Phillip in appearance in a lot of ways if he ever grew his beard out. Which made me feel really uncomfortable about just being around him. That was my projection, though, and in reality I knew nothing about this guy and judged him on his appearan
ce only. My bad! Because, well, when we came out, that guy was chomping away on his baked potato from Wendy’s. I was wrong that day and it really bothered me. Shouldn’t I give more? I think the question of how much to give is something we all struggle with. I know I do, but I give in the ways that I can.

  I get a lot of fulfillment from the JAYC Foundation and the good we are able to provide for families. We have helped a family recover from the murder of their son. We were able to connect them with Transitioning Families and their animal-assisted program where they got to relax and reconnect after the blow to their family. I think what we give most to families is similar to what it feels like to have a warm, comfy blanket fresh from the dryer wrapped around them so they feel safe to let whatever emotions or feelings running through them out. I think every family needs support and therapy to get them to see that they can be okay again. That they just have a new normal now.

  I think running the foundation has made me grow as a person, too. Being the president of anything is not all it’s cracked up to be. In fact, it’s pretty dang hard. Turning away any family is really hard, but I know we can’t help everyone who applies. I have to maintain a budget and careful thought is given to the families that do come up before my board of directors for a vote on whether we can help. I would like to take every case, but being in charge has made me realize that making choices is a part of being in charge. Even the president can’t do it all, and each day I am thankful I am surrounded by very good friends and a team that has lasted the test of time. They help me in every way. I think having a foundation that specializes in one area can be good, and it can also be really hard sometimes. Because of this, it can be hard to get funding for something that people don’t know a lot about. Nobody really uses “reunification” in their day-to-day lives. To the families we have helped, it is emblazoned in their lives forever. They know how important it is to try to keep their families working together after a major blow.

  The JAYC School Groups have become an important aspect of the foundation as well. I think it’s important we teach kids how to be caring to one another. My little sister was bullied after I was taken, and when I found out upon my return, that made me really sad to think about her going through that. I am really glad to see this program taking off. We now have the groups in Alabama and New Hampshire. Anything that gets kids working together and cooperating is good in my book. I remember my friend Lanae telling me about a little girl who was kidnapped for four years. She was found and reunited with her parents. Seems like a perfectly nice story with a happy ending. Well, I thought so, too, but it turns out that, meaning well, her parents put this little girl back into the same school she was in before. The students had heard stories throughout the years of the missing girl, and I think they were scared. But that doesn’t excuse the constant bullying she received. I thought, Why, if this happened to my sister and now this little girl and who knows who else, why isn’t there a program or speakers to go to schools that have experienced a trauma? Because I do think it’s traumatizing not only to the family but to the community as well. Kids get scared and sometimes they lash out in mean ways because they don’t know any better. The Just Ask Yourself to Care! groups were born from this need I saw in schools. It’s a way to incorporate caring, compassion, safety, and attunement to others all in a fun, animal-centered, eight-week journey through the Pony Express. It’s fun but it’s also learning. It’s the best of both worlds.

  We have our very own program for law enforcement officers who sometimes get stuck in a rut. A lot of ruts, I think, happened in my case and mistakes were made. The JAYC LEO program centers on giving officers, parole agents, any kind of official, really, a chance to explore and get out of their ruts. It’s fun to watch the officers work with horses. Most of them have never been around horses, so this really puts them out of their comfort zones. It makes them better listeners, too, because they don’t want to get their feet stepped on. We take the time to talk about self-care, too, because like I always say, you can’t take care of others until you take care of you! The team is great at facilitating these workshops and say they are one of the most fulfilling aspects of the foundation just because of the participants’ reactions and seeing their eyes open to new possibilities in their line of work. A real transformation of hopefulness enters them and rejuvenates them to do their jobs better. Because let’s face it: they have one of the toughest jobs out there.

  Pass the Cheese, Please

  * * *

  One of the few times Phillip and Nancy took us out on a trip was to the arboretum in San Francisco. To the average onlookers, these outings probably looked like any ordinary family having a nice picnic on a park bench. In fact, we were anything but ordinary, and Phillip had an ulterior motive for bringing us there. He felt it was a good place to hear the force. The force is what he called the angels he said he could hear. And apparently the big fan generators that were in the park were the perfect conductors of these voices. I always thought he saw Star Wars one too many times given his “force” reference. He made us each take a turn with the headphones to see if we could hear it, too. The voices, that is.

  So if you ever passed a table with one person wearing headphones, well, I guess you saw us. It was always so embarrassing to be there. I just wanted to enjoy the semi-freedom of being in the open fresh air, even if I wasn’t completely free. At least my daughters got the chance to play around while it wasn’t their turn. His quirky behavior was part of our norm, and even though we would roll our eyes to each other when Phillip and Nancy weren’t looking, we knew not to act out in any other way. These kinds of outings would last anywhere from an hour to several.

  Nancy was always the one to hear it. I wonder if the weed she smoked before had anything to do with it. Anyway, I guess we all make assumptions, and assuming we were a normal everyday family was probably what everyone did that day. I don’t blame anyone for that. We all assume. Makes me wonder about what I assume about things that I have seen. Most people never would have thought some psychopath and his crazy wife had us as captives in a million years. Part of that was my fault, but the evil you know is sometimes better than the evil you do not. And he was the evil I knew. I hope this little story does make you wonder, though. Maybe one person or several can be saved a little sooner. We all have the ability to Just Ask Ourselves to Care a little bit more in this life.

  My Inner Circle

  * * *

  I have been thinking and thinking: How am I going to end this book? For months I have not had the answer, and I just realized why. Because my life has not ended! How can I end a book if I still feel I have so much to experience? I haven’t tipped the top of the iceberg yet—in fact, that sounds really fun. I might have to go to Antarctica for that one day. But every book needs at least some kind of conclusion or something. So what should I write about? What else is there to say? And then I look around . . .

  My cat Emma is lying on the couch beside me. Come to think about it, she’s been there every day that I have sat here writing. And then there’s Zelda; she’s there in bed waiting for me every night. She sleeps right by my side without fail. My trusty dog Bull is asleep in his bed. I know come five he will become Mister Annoying and beg for his dinner. I will procrastinate because I want to write one more paragraph, but his beautiful, big, brown eyes will stare at me, his big body will be quivering, and the pull will be too much. He wins. Dinnertime. These make up my faithful inner circle. They are the ones who never judge and are always there. Even when they are not.

  I recently lost one of the cats we were able to bring back with us from our captivity in the backyard. His name was Mousey and he was mine for such a short time. A few months ago, he started losing weight rapidly. It was really weird because he was eating all his food and still looked really skinny. Petting him I could feel his backbone. I also noticed that he was throwing up a lot more than just hairballs. I took him to the vet thinking it was just a bad case of worms. I had no doubt the vet could help him. It actually feels so co
mforting to know I can take my pets to the vet now. No more worrying if they are sick and begging Phillip to take them in. The vet did a check and became concerned with a lump he thought he felt in his abdomen. He recommended an X-ray right away. What about worms? I asked. He didn’t think it was worms and suspected Mousey had an obstruction somewhere in his gut. We did the X-ray. He told me there was something there but without exploratory surgery he wouldn’t know. Whoa, hold your horses! Surgery? I just came in for some worming medication and you’re telling me you want to perform surgery? He said, We could do an ultrasound but that it would be pricey. I said, Okay, let’s do the ultrasound. I didn’t want my cat being opened up like that and explored. It sounded really scary. He said to take Mousey home and keep him separated from the other cats and see if he poops or pees. He would call when they had the ultrasound equipment. I took him home.

  As I was riding my horse the next day, I got a call from the vet. They had run some blood tests on him, too, and the results seemed okay. I could tell he wanted to tell me something else. He said he would like to do another X-ray before the ultrasound. I took Mousey in again and we did another X-ray. The look on the vet’s face this time really had me worried. These are the moments I hate in life. Sometimes the look on someone’s face says it all. It was the same look my vet gave me before I had to make the decision to put my horse Ed down. He looked at me and said he thought exploratory surgery was best. I didn’t want to answer. I knew the choice was mine to make. I could take him home right now. And part of me really wanted to. I wanted to deny this reality. I wanted to live in ignorance of anything wrong with my beloved cat. But I couldn’t, and I found myself saying okay. A simple word, but it had such a lasting impact on my life. I picked up my kitty and told him I would be leaving him for a short time and I would be back to pick him up. I left with an empty carrier that day. The vet said the surgery would take several hours and he would call when he had more news. Before I left I had to sign the paper. The dreaded paper I didn’t even know existed until that moment. The paper that gives the vet permission to euthanize if he feels it necessary. I signed that paper with glazed-over eyes.