by Shad N Freud
He turned, looking each one in the eye. “And where did it get us? Squabbling amongst ourselves over minor infractions against each other’s powers. How many of you have a physical residence? Matter. Use any form of lighting? Energy. Have living beings attending your temples? Creation. And yet, I use your gift once Chrona, by way of the technology I developed by myself, I should mention, and you throw a bitch fit.”
“Correct as always, uncle.”
Everyone at the table turned to face the new arrival. Ghallorican walked over to the violet seat, tapped it with an index finger, and turned the seat into a mild gray color. He then grabbed the reserved sign, staring at it for a moment before he tossed it over his shoulder and turned the seat backwards to sit down straddling it. “Much as I love these little family reunions, Uncle Conrad was right to do as he did.” He pulled out a box of bonbons from the Earth that Matter originated from and tossed them to him, the box bouncing off his chest. Ghallorican shrugged. “You did say once that the day you did my work for me, you’d teach yourself to eat chocolate with your ass. Well, better get on it.”
Gaia glared cutely at her “nephew” as he tapped his finger on the glass table, causing six cups of coffee to appear in front of the “people” seated around the table. Ghallorican smiled with each of his gnashing mouths as his face roiled and bubbled. “I made a deal with Pops. He doesn’t have his minions ruin my plans and I don’t make sure his get dashed. When you threw the spanner, I may have given it a slightly greater impetus than you expected, to ensure the wrench got where it was going. It broke the switch. So, mi familia, the situation has already been resolved. The multiverse gets to keep grinding away, Cthulhu’s plan failed, and we all get to quietly hate each other from a distance. Well, except for me and Chrona. Ain’t that right auntie, you sexy beast?”
“Get fucked with a chainsaw, you little shit.” Chrona snarled, her face becoming rather leonine for a moment before reverting to normal.
“Maybe later,” Ghallorican snarked cheekily as he stood from his seat. “You guys gave me just enough power to be an equal of any of you, and I get to be Switzerland. Pops never gets invited to these little get togethers, as his presence is kind of a little bit apocalyptic, so I show up for him. Uninvited. Really, I’d think you guys would have figured it out by now, but c’est la vie.” He looked over his shoulder as he walked out the door and called, “See you next crisis!”
Matter rubbed his temples. “We should have drowned him in his bathwater when he first came to us. Little shit has been a boil on my ass ever since.”
He looked up at the rest of the table. They all seemed to be mulling Ghallorican’s words over. Finally, Chrona spoke up. “I propose a compromise. As I’m the offended party, I ask that you be restricted. I ask that you must Be Matter for another millennia in this realm’s time, and you must remain in your home on Mechanicus during your exile.”
Gaia was staring at the ceiling, behaving like her perceived age and seemingly ignoring what was happening in front of her. She giggled as a stream of butterflies spouted from her index finger. “Gaia!” Chrona snapped, getting the girl’s attention.
She pouted, then gestured, the butterflies forming a thumbs up before reforming into a much ruder gesture, causing the little girl to giggle impishly. The others made their agreeance known and Conrad glared at them all. “Great. So, another thousand years? Can’t wait. Totally worth it.”
“Then it’s agreed. You are to remain in Mechanicus until Ghallorican comes to free you.”
“Joy,” Matter growled as he disappeared in a flash of orange light. The others disappeared after, in their varied colors, leaving the cooling cups of coffee in front of the chairs that reverted to their normal colors.
A waiter looked at the table that no one had been seated at and scratched his head as he stared at the coffees that had appeared out of nowhere, as well as the seven small bars of…nothing. The small bars of nothing he quickly pocketed. Certainly not one-kilogram bars of orichalcum, worth roughly a thousand times their weight in gold. He then walked into the dining room and flipped over a particularly vile tourist’s table, gave the manager the finger with both hands, and ran as fast as he could for the commodities exchange. He needed to go find out how wealthy he’d just become.
Epilogue
In a dark place, grotesque monstrosities lumbered about a mostly barren landscape under a red sky. The corroded metal skeletons of buildings long since ruined were filled with small hovels made of bent, burnt metal. The corpses of various floating cities were still being picked clean by scavengers, seeking resources to survive. One in particular looked at a screen showing readouts for the energy levels in the area. A monstrosity crept up behind him and lunged, trying to give him a less than affectionate hickey, only to be cut in half by a vibrosword as the being continued reading.
A tear in reality formed and the being pointed his gauntlet at the rip, spraying it with a positron stream to stabilize the tear. It formed into a portal to a run-down warehouse. Under the being’s mask, a withered face smiled, revealing yellowed teeth and black, receded gums wet with necrid. Finally, the being would be leaving this blasted plane and possibly finding the salvation he sought for his home. With any luck, McGillicutty Corporation would rise again.
So swore Engels McGillicutty as he stepped through, the portal closing behind him.
∞∞∞
In Italy, at the Sinesterem di Madonna Negro, the main doors flew open as Cenere entered, his coat whipping in the breeze as he made his way to the Superintendent’s office. Camilla was following along behind, pushing a high-end baby stroller with the twins sleeping peacefully. He knocked and waited for the man inside to answer before opening the door.
“Cenere? Is that you?”
Cenere smirked as he peeled a piece of licorice gum out of his pack and slid it into his mouth. “Indeed.”
“So, Carl released you?”
“Not exactly,” Cenere said with a smirk as he peeled his glove off, showing off the crossed pitchforks. “I left here a boy and returned the third most senior Grand Inquisitor of the Church. I believe I have a few apologies to make here, but I have a favor to ask.” He gestured towards Camilla and the twins. “We’d like to get married. Technically speaking, we’ve been engaged for the last sixty-seven years – don’t ask – and I need to make an honest woman out of Camilla here. Would have been by sooner, but we’ve both been busy, and she wanted to lose the extra baby weight so she could fit into the dress she wanted. So, think we can swing it? We’ll need seating for at least fifty people.”
Cardinal Fernando di Florres blinked then began to laugh uproariously. The twins were clearly Cenere’s, which should have been impossible, and this gorgeous gun bunny carrying at least six hidden guns, including one in the stroller, seemed to have collared the most infamous rake the school had ever seen. “Cenere, I’d be more than happy to see you chained to this young woman for the rest of your life. But first, I believe Cardinal Montagne might want a few words with you.”
Camilla looked at her man with a quizzical expression. Cenere laughed sheepishly as he explained what had happened, and she laughed her ass off. “Yeah, sure, keep laughing. Guy’s one of the more powerful sorcerers in the Eye on top of being a master duelist. Better get to training with Jin if I have to fight the bastard.”
∞∞∞
Down in the lowest level of Hell, Lucifer smiled as he perused his selection of Hell-grown pineapples. He selected a particularly fresh one and tested the rigidity of the serrated leaves. Perfect. He plucked the pineapple from its basket and skipped over to Adolf Hitler as the man went about in his S&M French maid outfit, cleaning Lucifer’s palace.
Lucifer cleared his throat and pointed at the pineapple. “It’s that time again, Adie-poo. Bend your knees and grab your toes.”
Hitler sighed as he did as he was commanded to, and Lucifer pulled the once feared fascist’s lace panties down, spit on the pineapple, then crammed it Up Der Fuhrer’s Ass. Hitler mo
aned in a mixture of pain and pleasure…mostly the former, though the former was becoming the latter.
All done with his task, Lucy skipped down the corridor, whistling a Spike Jones song as he made his way to his HV room. Life was good.
∞∞∞
In Purgatory, Carl chuckled as he watched the nigh endless line of the condemned get their “greatest hits” read off to them by Bob before being poked in the backside with a pitchfork by the imps on poke duty, chivvying the unwilling damned (read: Permanent Oven Residents), nodding to the faithful who strolled up to the gates of Hell with a spring in their steps, and laughed as he watched the truly wicked members of his faith dive head first down the slide. The wicked ones just wanted to get the party started while the others were either resigned to their fates or begging not to burn.
He shook his head as he checked his ledger and looked at the velvet rope that separated the Hell side of Purgatory from what had been nicknamed the “demilitarized zone”. The red velvet rope that ran between wrought iron posts was vibrating rapidly. He tilted his head and held up his hand to get Bob’s attention. “Take over for me. Lock down the gate. I’m going to go suss this out.”
Bob nodded and pressed a button, summoning a squad of Pitlords who quickly took positions to cover the gate as iron barricades popped up, giving them cover in case of an attack. As the Pitlords set up their weapons, Carl grabbed the oversized greatsword he’d used while in his Baal persona and slung it over his shoulder, slipping a cigarette into his mouth and lighting it with his zippo. The rope was severed as a wall of white light flashed upward from the ground, and Carl paused as he watched the light fade, an alabaster marble wall with golden veins standing in its place, the rope hooked onto the new wall. In the center of the wall, roughly twenty-five yards away, was an ebony wood door with a bright red plaque that said “Beaumont”. The moment he reached for the door, his Archducal ring flashed, and he heard the door unlock.
He stared at the door, his hand shaking slightly as he carefully opened a door sized for a man eight feet tall. Inside, there was a massive pile of building materials, as well as all of the tools necessary to build a house, till the fertile soil of the zone, and set up a small farm. He saw that the walls that ran from Hell to Heaven changed color in the middle, shifting seamlessly to black marble with crimson veins. He did some quick math in his head and began to laugh.
He was currently standing in Hell’s half acre of the space walled off. And, on the other end, a white door appeared. The door flew off its hinges as a red headed woman wearing shining white plate mail drew a greatsword of her own and began running for his side of the compound.
“I’ll have yer guts fer garters, yeh trespassin’ gobshite!” Carl heard her scream as she charged him, and his heart stopped for a second, the voice all too familiar. He could see the woman’s blue eyes glowing within her helmet and was almost skewered by the beautiful creature trying to kill him. Finally, he grunted as he brought his ridiculous weapon around, slapping her away with the broad flat side of the sword a First Class Soldier would sell his soul for, knocking her to the ground, dazed but largely unharmed. He dropped the weapon and crawled over to her on his hands and knees, gently plucking the helmet off her face to confirm his suspicions.
She was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen, and he had trouble seeing her as tears welled up in his eyes. Her eyes flared open and her face twisted into a vicious snarl. “Unhand me yeh daft tosser!” She decked the scaly bastard in the face and shook her hand afterwards.
Carl began laughing, falling backward as the woman snarled, drawing a knife and jumping on top of the laughing devil beneath her. She raised the dagger, intent on stabbing him with it when she smelled a familiar licorice smell. The distraction was enough for Carl to roll over on top of the woman, pinning her to the floor as he spit his cigarette out. She struggled to free herself until he leaned down and gently kissed her on the lips.
A golden light flashed brightly as the pair became suffused with a glow that burned within their souls, and for a bare instant, Carl looked like he did in life before his skin became scaly again. Her glowing eyes widened as she stared into the suddenly very familiar brown eyes of her husband. Her mouth opened in shock as she realized who the devil pinning her down was. Tears began to well up in her eyes as he let go of her wrists, and she reached up to his face.
“I’ve waited sixty long years to see you again, Tryst. I am so sorry.” Tears began to stream down Carl’s face as he stared down at his wife, guilt and memories of his time in the Pit coming unbidden back to the forefront of his mind. “I…I should have…”
She silenced him with a finger, tears running down her own face as she smiled up at him. “No need, me bonny lad. There was never anything to forgive. Now kiss me like ye missed me, Greenie.”
The doors to both planes of the afterlife closed, locked, and a “Do Not Disturb” sign materialized.
For Tristanna and Carl, afterlife was good.
The End
...Well, it’s the end until we continue the story in Necessarily Evil: Conspiracy
