The Unlucky Lottery Winners of Classroom 13

by Honest Lee

  On the basketball court…

  Or at the spelling bee…

  Or in the kitchen making popcorn for family movie night…

  Or at the mall with friends…

  Or…

  Hey! Wait a second!

  CHAPTER 10

  Lily

  Lily is a girl of few words. For instance, if you asked her how her weekend was, she would likely grunt, “Fine.” Or, “Cool.” Or, “Meh.”

  And if you asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up, she’d answer, “Astronaut.” She wanted to go into space and explore the stars.

  According to her dad, her first spoken word was “NASA.” He thought it was rather cute—because he thought baby Lily was mispronouncing “Dada.” But no, she really was saying “NASA.”

  When Ms. Linda informed the class they were going to become billionaires, the other students talked a mile a minute about stuff they were going to purchase or things they were going to do. Lily only looked at her check and said, “NASA.”

  So Lily bought NASA. Yes, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration is now owned by Lily Lin from Classroom 13.

  Lily’s been tight-lipped (no surprise there) about the new rocket she has them building for her. I’ve heard construction will be finished in about twenty years. But if you ask Lily when it’ll be ready for blastoff, she just says, “Soon.”

  CHAPTER 11

  Jacob

  Jacob Jones knew exactly what he was going to buy with his winnings. (Or more accurately, who he was going to buy.) He announced, “I’m going to buy a family!”

  This confused the other students of Classroom 13.

  “But you already have one of those,” Benji said.

  It was true. Jacob did have a family—but he didn’t like them. He had a mother and a father who both kept to themselves. They never hugged Jacob, or spent time with him, or asked how his day was. Instead, when they came home from work, Mr. and Mrs. Jones would retire to their separate bedrooms.

  To keep him company, Jacob left the TV on twenty-four hours a day.

  There were lots of shows he liked, but there was one show he loved. It was called Just the Twenty-Two of Us. It was a classic comedy about the Jordans—a quirky family of twenty-two people crammed together in the same small house. If that wasn’t hilarious enough, Mr. Jordan, the dad, was a basketball coach who treated his family like a team. When things got too crazy at home, he’d blow his whistle and shout, “Time-out! Family foul!”

  Then everyone would laugh—the family, the live studio audience, and, of course, Jacob. Jacob loved the catchphrases. “Time-out!” he’d repeat, blowing an imaginary whistle. “Family foul!”

  (Jacob liked to pretend the studio audience was laughing at his jokes, too.)

  Jacob loved Coach Jordan’s family more than anything. They were always there for one another. And they were always there for him. He wanted to be one of the Jordans. But that wasn’t going to happen. That would take a miracle…

  …or $1,037,037,037.04 in cash.

  The minute the check cleared, Jacob kicked his parents out of the house and moved all the Jordans in.

  “Good-bye, Jacob Jones!” he said to himself. “Hello, Jacob JORDAN!”

  Jacob was so excited, he greeted his new family at the door by singing the Just the Twenty-Two of Us theme song:

  “Having a family’s like having a team,

  Twenty-two people LIVING THE DREAM!

  Our family’s got game,

  Our family’s got trust,

  So let’s work together,

  Just the twenty-two of us!”

  When he finished the song, Jacob bowed. He expected his new family would cheer and clap and surround him with a group hug—just like they did on the show.

  But they didn’t.

  In fact, not one member of the cast looked happy. Instead, Jacob’s new sitcom family began asking him some very un-sitcom questions.

  “Is this not catered?” Jeremy Jordan (the youngest family member) asked.

  “How long is this gonna take? I have a photo shoot at nine and another thing at ten,” Jess Jordan (the older sister) said.

  “What’s the Wi-Fi password here? I need to watch my horse races,” Jordan Senior (the grandpa) said, blowing cigar smoke everywhere.

  “What’s my motivation for this scene?” Coach Jordan asked Jacob. “Am I like, ‘Family foul,’ or am I more like, ‘Family FOULLLLLL’?!”

  Over the next few days, things got worse. His new family didn’t want to sing their theme song. (Instead they complained a lot.) They didn’t want to get into hilarious situations at the grocery store. (They didn’t want to clean up after themselves either.) They didn’t want to laugh over a family recipe gone wrong. (But they did expect five-star chefs to prepare all their meals.) They didn’t even care if Jacob applauded when they entered a room. (In fact, they gave him strange looks when he did.)

  Jacob didn’t understand why everyone was acting so weird. They weren’t acting like the TV characters he loved. They were acting like… like… actors.

  Hoping they would come around, Jacob gave them more money to act like his favorite characters. But they moaned and groaned the whole time. At the end of each day, their agents called and asked for more money.

  And the catchphrases? They charged Jacob extra every time they said them.

  Jacob was broke by the end of the first week.

  Finally, he had enough. He blew his whistle. “Time-out! Family foul!” he shouted. “None of you are acting like how you are on TV! Don’t you understand? The people you portray on TV are wonderful. They bring laughter to the world. Don’t you want to be better in real life?”

  The actors shrugged. Janice (the mother) asked, “Does it pay more?”

  “Actually, I’m out of money,” Jacob said.

  Jacob expected an “Awwwwwwww!” from the studio audience.

  But there wasn’t one.

  The mob of snobby TV stars stomped out of his house and back into their limousines without a word.

  Coach Jordan didn’t even let Jacob keep the whistle.

  Jacob didn’t want to be Jacob Jordan anymore. He wanted to be Jacob Jones again.

  So he sold his TV, got enough money to move his real parents back home, and swore off TV for the rest of his life.

  Then he went and got himself a free library card.

  CHAPTER 12

  Olivia

  More than anything, Olivia loved to learn. Even though she was still young, she wanted to stay in college as long as she could when she was older. So rather than spend any of her money, she put it all in the bank.

  Why would she do such a thing?

  Because college is very expensive. (Just ask your parents.)

  CHAPTER 13

  Classroom 13

  Like Santiago, Classroom 13 didn’t get a dime either—even though it was there on the day Ms. Linda promised to share her winnings. The Classroom wasn’t a student, but it had feelings, too—and its feelings were hurt.

  The 13th Classroom vowed revenge on all the students one day.…

  CHAPTER 14

  Ava

  Ava was so excited when she got home with her check for $1,037,037,037.04, she asked her parents right away if she could start spending the money. They said, “No.”

  She spent it anyway.

  If you know Ava, you know that she is a great friend. When William forgot his lunch one day, Ava shared her lunch with him. When Chloe spilled cranberry juice on her blouse before class photos, Ava lent her a sweater. And when Lily told her a secret, Ava promised not to tell anyone—and she didn’t.

  Ava wanted to share her newfound wealth with her friends. So she texted everyone and asked what she should spend the money on. The next day, she did exactly what would make her friends happy.

  She bought an island—a whole island—in Hawaii. (Not one of the big ones, but one of the small ones.)

  Ava built a huge castle on the island. The castle had everything he
r friends could think of: Tennis courts. Swimming pools. A movie theater. A dock with boats and Jet Skis. A ranch full of horses. It even had a waterslide park and cotton-candy machines.

  She and her friends couldn’t wait until it was ready. It took a while to build everything they wanted. But once it was done, Ava rented a private plane and flew everyone there.

  For forty-seven hours, they had the most amazing time.

  Then the ground started to shake. Puffs of black smoke began to burp out of the island mountain. The island’s “director of fun” (who was actually Ava’s mom, Heather) called Ava and said, “Hi, sweetie. I think maybe we should leave.”

  At first, Ava refused. But when the volcano erupted, she decided her mom was right. She and her friends (and all the horses) crammed onto her private jet and took off into the sky.

  As they flew to safety, Ava looked out the window and watched her island sink beneath the surface of the ocean. “Oh well,” she said. “At least now the fish have a cool place to hang out.”

  CHAPTER 15

  Teo

  Teo loved roller coasters, junk food, and fireworks. (He also loved dogs.) So when he got his check for $1,037,037,037.04, he wasn’t sure how he was going to spend it. At least not until he realized that there was a certain amusement park that has roller coasters and junk food and daily fireworks shows.

  Teo didn’t even bother asking his parents if he could spend the money. He just started spending.

  He called up the owners of this amusement park franchise and asked if he could buy it. They thought it was a prank call and hung up.

  Teo called back. He asked again. They said, “No,” then hung up.

  Teo called back a third time and explained, “I have 1.037 billion dollars, and I would like to buy your amusement park.”

  “Oh! That’s a lot of money. In that case, you can buy one of our theme parks.”

  “There’s more than one?!” he asked.

  “Of course!”

  Teo ended up buying the one in Florida. He invited all his friends and cousins and uncles and aunts and grandparents for a week. (Even though he didn’t want to, he finally told his parents they could come, too.)

  For forty-seven hours, they rode roller coasters and ate too much junk food. Then ate more junk food and rode more roller coasters, until everyone had thrown up at least once on one of the rides. Except his dad, Luis, who had thrown up several times.

  Teo, his friends, and his family didn’t have to wait in any lines and all the food was free. (Well, it wasn’t totally free. They still had to tip the waitstaff.) It was a truly amazing time. But the best part hadn’t even happened yet. Teo was saving the best part for last—the fireworks show.

  At the end of the second day, Teo demanded that the theme park have the biggest, brightest fireworks show they’d ever had in the history of fireworks shows. And they did. It turned out to be too much.

  The world-famous amusement park burned down.

  Teo was super annoyed for several days. Then he remembered he still had some money left: $37,037.04, to be exact. So he bought a German shepherd, a Siberian husky, and a new Xbox, and then took his family on a cruise. It was a really nice vacation.

  CHAPTER 16

  Earl

  Remember how you thought I made a mistake here? Well, I didn’t.

  The teacher (Ms. Linda) won $28 billion—that is, $28,000,000,000.

  She agreed to split it evenly with each of her students (27 in total), minus one (Santiago, who was sick that day). That means 26 students.

  If you add Ms. Linda, that’s 27 people total.

  So $28,000,000,000 divided by 27 is $1,037,037,037.04.

  At the end of Chapter 2, I said: “Later that day, twenty-five students walked out of class with a check for over a billion dollars: $1,037,037,037.04 each, to be exact.”

  (Go on. Flip back to here and check. See? I’m telling the truth. I’m Honest Lee.)

  Did you notice? There were twenty-six students who won the lottery in the class, but only twenty-five students left that day. Why is that?

  Simple. One of the “students” never left. You see, Earl lives in the classroom. Earl is a hamster.

  During the first week of school, Ms. Linda counted her students. She had twenty-six in total. But all the kids insisted that the class pet, Earl the Hamster, was also a student.

  Ms. Linda did not like arguing with her students, so she agreed. Earl became a student of Classroom 13 that day.

  But how did Earl get the money? Well, he signed the contract, of course.

  You see, Liam was something of a prankster—meaning he loved to pull pranks. And when he signed the contract for the lottery winnings, he thought he’d be funny and have Earl sign it, too. He colored the hamster’s paw with a black marker and stamped it on the contract.

  When it came time for everyone to collect their winnings, Liam explained it to Ms. Linda. “Well, if Earl signed the contract, then he’s entitled to his share, too. After all, I am a woman of my word,” she said.

  So, yes, Earl received a check for $1,037,037,037.04.

  What did he do with it? He shred it up with his cute little claws. Then he peed on it.

  CHAPTER 17

  Mark

  Mark was the most handsome student in Classroom 13, and all the girls had a crush on him. But he only had eyes for one woman—Wonder Woman. Well, more specifically, Lynda Carter, the actress who played Wonder Woman in the 1970s TV show.

  When he was little, he dreamed of guest-starring on the show and becoming friends with Lynda. So when he won his lottery winnings, he knew exactly what he was going to do with his money. He would make his dream come true.

  Mark hired a group of the world’s most brilliant scientists (recommended to him by Triple J). Then he explained, “I want you to build me a time machine so I can go back in time to the 1970s.”

  “That is immoral!” one scientist said.

  “It’s dangerous!” said another.

  “You could destroy the fabric of all space and time!” said a third.

  Mark threw his money at them. All of it. Every dime. The scientists suddenly changed their tune.

  “What a fantastic idea!” one scientist said.

  “A brilliant use of money!” said another.

  “Let’s get started!” said a third.

  So this group of scientists worked night and day for weeks until they had finally built a real-life time machine. “It’ll only work twice,” the scientists warned. “Once to go there, and once to come back. Got it?”

  “Got it!” Mark said. He hopped inside and pushed the button. The whole world outside turned into bright light. The machine shook so hard, Mark thought his brains were going to poop out of his ears.

  Instead, the time machine popped out on the set of Wonder Woman. “Who are you?” asked the director.

  “I’m a time traveler from the future. I came back in time to see if I could be a guest star on the Wonder Woman TV show.”

  “Are you SAG?” the director asked.

  “What’s SAG?” Mark asked.

  “Screen Actors Guild,” the director said. “You can’t be on TV unless you’re part of the labor union.”

  Mark slapped himself in the face. He should have done a little more research before coming all the way back in time. He was so bummed. He wandered toward his time machine, kicking rocks as he went.

  “Why the frown, kid?” someone asked.

  Mark turned around. “Lynda Carter?!”

  “That’s me.” She smiled with her perfect smile.

  Mark suddenly didn’t care about being on TV anymore. He had finally met his big crush. He explained everything that had happened. And then he and Lynda had a good laugh about it. She even taught him to do her Wonder Woman spin. Afterward, she autographed a black-and-white picture for him. She signed it To my favorite time traveler. Love, Lynda.

  When Mark came home, back to the present day, he didn’t have any more money, but he was the happiest boy in C
lassroom 13.

  CHAPTER 18

  Mya & Madison

  Mya & Madison felt twice as lucky as everyone else in Classroom 13. This was because they were twins.

  These twins had two of everything—two matching beds, two matching toothbrushes, two matching unicycles, and, yes, two matching checks for $1,037,037,037.04.

  Some of the kids wondered if the sisters would combine their lottery winnings for a whopping total of $2,074,074,074.08. That would make them twice as rich as everyone else.

  But the twins didn’t want to keep the money. They wanted to spend it.

  As they almost always did, Mya & Madison had the exact same thought, at the exact same time: “We should each buy two of EVERYTHING and put it on a boat!” Mya & Madison said at the same time. “Like a Noah’s Ark… of stuff!”

  “But if we each buy two of the same thing, then we’ll have four of everything—which is weird, because we’re not quadruplets,” Madison said.

  “Ew. Quadruplets are weird,” Mya said. “Well, if we each buy one of something, then together, we’ll have two of everything!”

  Mya & Madison smiled at the exact same time and said, “Then we’ll have twice as much stuff as everybody else!”

  The Ark of Stuff plan was a go.

  Mya & Madison shopped until they dropped—well, at least until their feet hurt. The girls went on a shopping spree, buying two of everything they’d ever wanted.

  They bought two sequined pantsuits, two bedazzled cell phones, two glittered swimming pools, two emerald-crusted backpacks, two diamond-covered bicycles, two opal Hula-Hoops, two golden trampolines, and so on. (If there was anything shiny and expensive, they had two of it.)