by Kyra Lennon
Oh God. My heart was like a hammer against my chest. I had to get Evie’s ticket to her, and to do that, I’d need to tell Natalie I was meeting a woman. A woman she’d told me I couldn’t talk to again. How the hell was I supposed to explain that? I wasn’t a good liar. I wasn’t a liar at all, unless you counted not telling Natalie about Evie, but it wasn’t for the usual reason a guy would lie about something like that. I wasn’t trying to cheat. I just wanted one person in my life who was separate from everything else. Someone I could easily talk to. Someone who didn’t treat me like crap. The only way for me to have that was to keep Evie a secret.
But now I’d have to lie to Evie. I was supposed to meet her at seven for a drink before the show, and I’d told Natalie I was leaving at six because the doors to the venue opened at seven.
Evie hadn’t paid for her ticket yet so, what if I told her I was ill and wasn’t going? There were no tickets left so she couldn’t just turn up and get in. I’d have to go with Natalie.
Oh!
“It’s ticket only,” I said. “I only bought a ticket for me and it’s sold out now.”
Her face fell for a second, then she said, “Okay. Well, how about I meet you after? We could go to a club later. Just don’t wear trainers.”
This was not a request and, as little as I wanted to go, I knew she’d make me regret it if I didn’t. I’d just have to figure out how to get Evie out before Natalie came to get me; something she did sometimes to make sure I wasn’t with another girl. It was pretty stupid since she’d made it clear many times that no other girl would be interested in me.
“Okay.” I tried not to sigh as I went to the wardrobe to dig out some black shoes. I’d feel and look like a prick wearing posh shoes in a place where everyone would be wearing trainers, but it’d be dark. Hopefully nobody would notice. I only hoped none of Natalie’s friends were around to see me with Evie. It would probably be too early for them, though, since the nightclubs didn’t open until much later. We’d be inside the venue before any of them went out.
I was ready way before I needed to be. The stress of lying and the panic that I might get found out had me rushing around like crazy. It wasn’t like I was even doing anything wrong, not really. I was meeting someone to see a band; something I would have done more often if I actually had friends. Natalie had scared off any female friends I had within weeks of us meeting, and my guy friends quickly got sick of me telling them I couldn’t go out with them because I was doing stuff with her.
When it was time for me to leave, I said goodbye to Natalie and she gave me her usual words. “Text me when you get there.” I nodded and left the flat.
Since I wasn’t going straight to the venue, but meeting Evie in a pub farther down the road, it was a good thing I was a bit early. I walked back to the club and took a photo of the entrance then sent a text to Natalie with it attached before going back to the pub. I was surprised to find Evie was already inside, sitting with a glass of wine and a bottle of Peroni in front of her.
She smiled as I approached, and I thought how different she looked from the first time I’d seen her. Her hair was down and swept over one shoulder in a plait like that princess from Frozen. Her make-up was subtle. She was wearing jeans, black high-heeled ankle boots and a black long-sleeved top that had those hook things to do it up, like on a corset, but they ran down the front and not the back. It suited her, and a stirring of guilt that I’d noticed made my stomach turn over.
“Hey,” she said as I sat down. “I thought I’d get the first round.”
She’d noticed what I’d been drinking in Exeter and ordered it for me. I stared at the bottle for a second in surprise at how thoughtful that was. Before I could react, she picked up her bag and handed me a twenty-pound note. “For the ticket,” she said. “Thank you for getting it for me.”
“That’s okay.” I thought my hand was shaking as I took the money from her, but I wasn’t used to this. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust her or anything, I just didn’t expect her to be so quick at paying me back.
“So, what’s been going on?” she asked brightly. She seemed happy to be out, but I was still looking around, making sure there was nobody around who would report back to Natalie.
When I was sure I was safe, I said, “Not much. Been busy at work. Haven’t been getting home until two, and then up early in the morning.”
“I’m sorry,” she said, with an understanding smile. “Most people who work late end up sleeping late.”
“Not me. No chance of that. I get told I’m lazy if I’m not up by nine at the latest.”
“By your girlfriend?”
I nodded and Evie raised her eyebrows but said nothing. I figured she’d decided that this was none of her business and… it wasn’t. But also, I sort of wanted her to ask more questions.
Why would she? She’s here because she needed someone to go out with. She doesn’t give a fuck about you or your life.
“How was your week?” I asked as the truth of my thoughts began to settle in.
No point opening up to her. She doesn’t care.
“It was good. I finished off some long-running projects this week so I’ve been paid in full and, next week, I get to start something new and fun.”
“What is it?”
“My best friend has two children and she often takes them to the soft play centre in Stockport. I go with her sometimes, and they’ve asked me to re-brand their logos and everything. It’s going to be great.”
There was excitement in her voice, and it made me smile, but also, it made me wonder what it was like to be that happy about something as an adult. I hadn’t been that enthusiastic about anything since I was a kid. Natalie was the same as Evie in that respect, although she had never been excited about work. Mostly she got excited about spending money. Maybe it was a girl thing.
“That sounds cool,” I said. “That you enjoy your work, I mean.”
“Being self-employed is amazing once you get a good client base and a good reputation. But it’s hard work at first.”
“I wouldn’t mind having a job I enjoy but I can’t do it yet. I probably won’t be able to afford it ever.”
“What kind of thing do you want to do?”
“I want to write. I’d like to work for a magazine, reviewing bands and stuff. I don’t know how to go about it because I’ve never had any training or experience. I just think I’d be good at it, but that doesn’t look very impressive on a CV.”
Evie smiled. “Enthusiasm goes a long way in that kind of job. I know some people who work in the industry. I can ask around for you, if you like?”
I shook my head. “Thanks, but I don’t think I can handle a pay cut. I know in the beginning those jobs might not pay well enough, or have enough work for me to cover rent and everything.”
“Hmm. It is difficult, even with two people splitting the bills.”
That was an alien concept to me. If Natalie worked more, I might have been able to do it, but when I’d tried to talk to her about what I wanted to do when we first got together, she’d said how hard it was to get that kind of job and do well. Stability was important to her. If I couldn’t support her, she wouldn’t stay. And she definitely wasn’t interested in working any more hours.
“I probably wouldn’t be that good at it anyway,” I said. “It’s not as easy as it looks.”
“It’s not, but that doesn’t mean you couldn’t. You know a lot about music. You know what you’re talking about. You could do it.”
Her words hit my ears then disappeared, not making it to my brain. She was just being polite. Even if I could afford to take the job I wanted, I’d probably be fired within a week for not being good enough. And then what? Back to the bar. I was better off saving myself the embarrassment.
“You should have more confidence in yourself,” she said, watching me closely. I wasn’t sure what my body language or facial expressions were showing her, but she’d read them well. I didn’t have much to be confident about, but I a
lso didn’t want her to think I was a complete loser. Right then, she was the only person in my life who had no idea what a fuck up I was, and I wanted to keep it that way. If we kept going to gigs together, she’d work it out eventually, but until then, I wanted her to see me the way I saw her. As someone who wanted to remember what it was like to have fun.
“You should take your own advice.” I hoped I’d said the words as kindly as I meant them; I wasn’t trying to offend her or snap at her. When she smiled, I let out a breath of relief that she’d understood.
“Oh, really?” she asked. “And what makes you say that?”
“I know I don’t really know you or anything, but I do know you were nervous in Exeter.”
“I was.” She gave a small shrug. “I’m kind of a mess, and it has a lot to do with the fact that I’m almost thirty and still haven’t got my life in order.”
“You have your own business.”
She nodded. “But there are lots of things I don’t have. And some things I lost. Some of them I can get back, some of them I can’t. I always thought that by the age of thirty, I’d be more settled. So, I’m trying to experience some things I missed out on, taking some risks, and trying to work out where I go from here.” Her cheeks coloured and she looked down at her drink. “Sorry. You don’t need to know this much about me.”
“It’s fine. I’m happy to listen.”
“Well, it’s all pretty boring.”
“You could tell me more of the things you want to do.”
Evie winced slightly. “You have to promise not to judge me. Please understand I was in a relationship for a really long time. And because of that, I skipped a few steps in the ‘finding myself’ process. Truthfully, I suppose that’s what I’m trying to do now.”
She smiled again, and again, I thought how pretty she was. And contradictory. In some ways, she was so confident, like when she talked about work. But personal stuff made her uncomfortable. She was one step ahead of me. I wasn’t even that confident talking about work. Music was the only thing I had any kind of authority on. I knew music. I breathed music. Music was where I was comfortable.
“No judgement,” I told her. “Tell me what you want to do.”
“Okay.” She let out a breath. “The things will seem silly but…” she paused.
I laughed; something that had been lacking in my life for a while. “Just tell me.”
Her cheeks flushed and she grinned sheepishly. “All right. I want to see Youth Authority live again. Without freaking out this time. I also want to get a tattoo and-”
“Wait.” I laughed again. “You want to get a tattoo?”
She narrowed her eyes at my amusement. “You said no judgement.”
“I wasn’t judging,” I said quickly, and I felt warmth in my cheeks. Out of habit, my body tensed then slowly relaxed again when she didn’t move. “You just don’t seem like a tattoo person.”
“Why not?” She didn’t sound offended, more amused, but I couldn’t say what I was thinking. I’d sound like I was trying it on with her. But she was waiting for an answer.
“Well, I… it’s… I thought you…”
She laughed softly as I stumbled over my words. “Okay, one thing you should know about me right up front. I’m not easily offended. You can say pretty much anything to me. It’s fine.”
“I wasn’t going to say anything bad. But I think… you seem too sensible to get a tattoo.”
Her smile dropped a little and she looked down at her drink for a second. “I’ve always been too sensible. It’s probably just who I am. But I want to break out of what’s normal and comfortable for me, because, if I don’t… I might as well give up on everything.”
A small flicker in her eyes told me that maybe she wasn’t as together as she pretended. And her words. If she was considering giving up on everything… God, I knew how that felt. My chest ached a bit when I saw on her face a look I’d seen in the mirror more than once.
“If you want to talk about anything… I probably can’t help, but if you want someone to listen, I can do that,” I told her quietly.
“Likewise,” she said. “If there’s anything you want to talk about, I’m pretty good at listening too.”
I nodded. I wasn’t sure there was any way I’d ever be able to take her up on her offer, but, for the first time in a while, I felt something wake up inside me.
Hope.
“This is amazing!” I shouted in Ash’s ear as we stood amongst the dancing crowd, watching Chaos In The Courtyard. I couldn’t handle being too close to the front—the fans there were crazier than the ones in Exeter—but we were just over halfway back, and although it was busy, it wasn’t making me feel claustrophobic.
This was my first time seeing Ash at a gig—and his first time seeing me at one too—but he looked so different. The times I’d seen him before, he was always a bit tense. Edgy. But in the club, all the stiffness in his posture vanished. Beside me, he moved to the music and sang along to the words with everyone else, seemingly forgetting the rest of the world. I felt like this was my first glimpse of the real Ash. The one who’d told me he wanted to write about bands for a living. Anyone with as much passion as he had for music would do well, no matter about his lack of experience.
He grinned, a huge smile I hadn’t seen before. “Yes!” he shouted back. “Are you okay here? Do you want to move back a bit?”
I shook my head. “No, I’m fine!”
He gave me a quick thumbs up and we turned our attention back to the stage. Adrenaline pumped through me as, instead of letting the heavy beats stress me, I allowed them to fill me up, moved with them, and focused on the lyrics, the sounds. The vibe was electric, and even though the heat in the room bothered me, I didn’t want to let it take over. I wanted to stay, deal with the pricklings of anxiety and just… be.
When the music slowed for a rare ballad, Ash and I put our hands in the air and swayed with the other people in the room, both singing along at the top of our voices.
Yes. This is a slice of what I want.
I felt alive for the first time in… I couldn’t even remember. What had I been missing out on my whole life by not getting out and being with other people who loved the things I loved? I couldn’t put a price on this level of euphoria. I wasn’t even drunk; I was high on the atmosphere.
The time went too fast. The show was over too soon, and although I was still buzzing, disappointment washed through me as the lights came up. I didn’t want to go home yet. I didn’t want to go back to reality.
As people turned to leave or go to the bar, I reached out for Ash’s wrist, gripping on to it so I didn’t lose him in the crowd. I felt him tense so hard, I let go of him immediately, my face heating. I hadn’t meant to alarm him, I just didn’t want to get stuck in the sea of people alone.
“Sorry,” I said, looking away from him, disappointed that I’d killed the euphoria so quickly. He was no longer the chilled person I’d spent the last couple of hours with. He was the nervous guy I’d met on the bridge.
“No, it’s okay,” he said, even though I could see it wasn’t. He looked a little out of breath, like he was afraid. But why? Of what? Surely not of me. I hadn’t held his wrist hard enough to hurt him. Maybe it was just that he didn’t like anyone invading his space, and I hadn’t intended to do that at all.
“I… I didn’t want to get crushed,” I said, feeling like a total arse.
“It’s fine, honest.” He looked down at me, his expression almost as mortified as my own. “I should have said earlier but, I have to go and meet my girlfriend now. I can’t…” He paused and blew out a breath. “If she sees me with you… She’s really possessive.”
Oh. Okay, that made sense. If a possessive girlfriend saw her boyfriend walking out of a club with some random woman holding onto him, I could see why that would be an issue.
“Wait. Does she know you met me here tonight?” I asked.
He shook his head, lowering his gaze to the ground.
&nb
sp; “Okay, look,” I said, “You seem like a nice person, and not someone who’s looking to cheat on his girlfriend, but I’ve been cheated on and it’s no fun. So, please don’t lie to her. Maybe she’s been hurt before too. Don’t be like so many others. Tell her the truth. She has no reason to be worried about me. I am entirely too old for you.” When he returned his gaze to me, there was still way too much apprehension in his eyes, and I added, “If you need to go, you should go. I was just saying I don’t want to be the cause of any problems between you and your girlfriend.”
And this was precisely why I’d been worried at the beginning. Jealousy could happen at any age, but this kind of ‘don’t tell my girlfriend I was with you’ shit was something I didn’t need. Like I’d said, I was no threat to their relationship. She was probably some cool chick who loved music as much as he did, and was substantially hotter than me. Although, I had to re-think the first part of that equation. If she did love music, she would have been there with him.
“You’re not the problem,” he said quietly. “But I should go.” His eyes lingered on mine for a second longer than seemed right. Still with apprehension. But it vanished and he sighed. “I’ll sort everything out with my girlfriend. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”
I thought I’d made him uncomfortable when I’d touched him. Geez. I could file this under: this was all a Very. Bad. Idea.
“It’s okay,” I said. “Thank you for getting me the ticket tonight.”
“You’re welcome. Get home safe, okay?”
I nodded. “I will. I’ll call a cab when I get outside.”
“Okay. See ya.”
He slipped through the crowd, leaving me wondering what the hell had just happened. One minute I’d been high on life, and the next, my companion was disappearing to meet his girlfriend and apologising for making me uncomfortable.
My confused thoughts helped me stay calm as the throng of people filed slowly out of the doors. When I got out, I immediately wrapped my arms around myself to keep warm. There was always such a harsh difference between the inside of the club and the biting chill outside. I knew it might take a while before I could get a taxi, and I was in no rush to get back home, so I sat down on a bench, looking around at the bright colours of the Christmas lights that adorned every pub and club entrance around me, even though I knew I might freeze. Freezing seemed slightly preferable to fighting with someone over the next cab, though.
