by Kyra Lennon
Slowly, people began to drift away from the club, even though inside, there was still music playing, and I knew it would be open for a good few hours yet. I could have gone back inside for a drink, but I was a little dazed by the speed everything had happened. I wouldn’t say the night was ruined, but the abrupt ending certainly put a damper on things.
Was Ash, in spite of appearances, not a good person? Why was his girlfriend so insecure? Did he cheat on her? If not, why the secrets?
Ah well, the friendship was fine for the short time it lasted. I wasn’t sure I could see him again when I was some kind of dirty little secret. I only wanted someone to go to gigs with. I didn’t want to cause any issues for anyone.
With a sigh, I got to my feet and took a slow stroll in the direction of the nearest taxi rank. It was a hell of a cost from Manchester to Stockport in a cab. I’d gotten a bus into the city, but my anxiety didn’t allow me to get a bus home late at night. It freaked me out too much. I could have driven, but I wanted to have at least one drink, and since I didn’t go out often, it wasn’t too stressful on my bank balance.
As I was passing a large car park between two pubs, I heard the sound of raised voices. Not shouting, but the sound of two people arguing. I rolled my eyes and kept walking. There was always some kind of row going on at that time of night, usually between people who had started drinking way too early.
“You said you wanted to come!” the female voice snapped.
“No, I didn’t. I just want to go home. I’ve been working all week and I’m tired.”
“Oh, so you’ve done what you wanted to do, and now you don’t have time for me?” Her voice was spiteful and bitchy, and the guy sounded downtrodden and exhausted. Whoever they were, I hoped he got a break from the high maintenance witch.
“That’s not how it is,” he said. “You weren’t even supposed to be going out tonight. I was just going to go to the gig and come home.”
I froze. Is that Ash? I glanced across the car park, and although it was quiet and there were hardly any people around, I was pretty sure they hadn’t seen me. Even in the dark, I realised it was him. I recognised the way he stood, but if it was possible, he looked even more uncomfortable than usual. No surprise since his girlfriend was kind of looming over him. She was smaller than him, but her presence seemed large in his space.
“Fucking go home then!” she spat. “You’d better be sleeping on the sofa when I get back though.”
She stomped away towards a group of girls who were standing nearby. I hadn’t spotted them before, and they walked down a back street, all giggling together as Ash remained rooted to the spot.
My first instinct was to go to him. Whatever the hell had just happened, he probably needed someone to talk to. But also, it was none of my business. I didn’t want him to feel bad because I’d witnessed how she’d spoken to him. It had to be totally demeaning to have someone yelling in his face that way.
I watched him for a second longer, and before I could work out what to do, the decision was taken from me. As if he’d felt my eyes on him, he looked in my direction. His blue eyes, even from so far away, looked heavy with defeat.
My feet carried me slowly towards him. He didn’t move. Not to walk towards me or to turn away and, when I reached him, I said, “Do you want to get a drink?”
He shook his head. “I can’t.”
“Are you sure? You look like you could use one.”
“I need to go home, Evie. I need to get some sleep before she gets home.”
The darkness in his tone made a shiver ripple through me. “What do you mean?”
He shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. Just forget it. I’m sorry you had to see any of that.”
He started to walk away, and I reached out for him before remembering how much it had stressed him out when I’d done it earlier. I lowered my arm. “Ash, wait.”
As he turned back towards me, he spotted my hand returning to my side and he looked at me warily for a second. “Evie, please. Don’t ask any questions. Just let me go.”
Everything about him screamed that he was done. Done talking. Done thinking. It was like his brain had disconnected from the world and all he wanted to do was rest.
Boy, did I get that.
“Can you please promise me you’ll send me a message when you get home, so I know you got back okay?”
A small, slightly bitter sounding laugh left his lips that I didn’t understand. “Yeah. I will. Goodnight, Evie.”
“Goodnight, Ash.”
I’m home now. I’m really sorry about tonight.
After sending the Twitter DM to Evie, I threw my phone down on the sofa and kicked off the shoes Natalie had insisted I wore that pinched my feet, and all for what? She knew I didn’t want to go to a club; I never wanted to go to a club. I liked dark, loud venues with live music, and she liked bright lights, a DJ, and cocktails. It never used to matter. We’d found things we both liked to do, and did the other stuff with our friends, or alone.
I glanced at the clock that hung above the TV. It was getting close to midnight. That meant, if I wanted any sleep at all, I’d need to start right away. Natalie would probably get in between three and four, and then it would begin. I’d have to go through it all again, just like every other time I’d let her down.
Sickness churned around in my stomach, already anticipating what was coming.
Why didn’t I get up and leave?
But where would I go? Who would understand? Who would look at me and not think I was a fucking loser?
Natalie was right about that. She was always right.
My phone buzzed and I picked it up.
Evangeline West: You have nothing to be sorry for. I’m glad you got home safely. Are you okay?”
Ha. No. I was definitely not okay.
Me: I’m fine. Thanks for meeting me tonight. I had a good time.
Evangeline West: I did too. But… I don’t know if we can do it again.
No.
But of course she wouldn’t want to see me again. She’d watched Natalie scream at me and seen me do nothing to defend myself. What kind of man puts up with that without saying anything? I should have come home, packed up her shit and told her to go. Except that would have made me an asshole too. I couldn’t throw her out in the freezing cold when she didn’t have a place to go.
Instead, I had to watch as my one opportunity of having a friend who might understand slipped away. Because, what was I supposed to do? Beg Evie to give me another chance? Another chance at what? We hardly knew each other.
But when she’d looked at me, I felt like maybe she might care a little.
Evangeline West: If I gave you my number, would you call me? Right now?
Nope. Because even if I don’t store your number and I delete evidence of the call, she’ll probably go through my phone bill. And even though there’s nothing for her to be concerned about, she’ll still make sure I pay for it.
Me: I need to get some sleep.
Evangeline West: Okay. Please take care of yourself. And message me if you need to.
Women confused the hell out of me. She didn’t want to meet up again but she wanted me to message her? I got that she was offering me someone to talk to if I needed it, but how could that ever happen? It was only by sheer fluke that Natalie didn’t insist on checking my Twitter account. She didn’t use it herself and believed I used it to follow bands and stuff. Which I did.
Me: I will.
I wasn’t sure I meant it, but I wasn’t sure what else to say.
I put my phone in my pocket, put my feet up on the couch, and closed my eyes.
I woke up screaming. At least, I thought I was awake. The searing pain through my scalp told me I must have been, and as the sleepy haze disappeared, the room jolted around me as I was met with Natalie’s crazed stare. Her fingers were in my hair, yanking my head back so it slipped off the headrest and I was looking at her upside down.
I didn’t move. I’d learned over time tha
t moving did not help. If I just kept still, this would be over faster. Without too much pain, hopefully.
“You lazy fuck!” she shouted, increasing her grip on my hair and making moisture fill my eyes. “You’re always fucking sleeping! You’re so selfish! And why didn’t you text me when you got home?”
Still, I didn’t move, even though the insanity in her eyes told me she could have broken my neck if she’d wanted to.
Good. Do it. End it.
“Say something!” she screamed.
When I remained silent, she brought her fist down hard on my stomach, so hard my body jerked upwards and pain ricocheted through me. I still had bruises there from the last time, and I coughed, almost choking from the angle of my head and the bile that rose in my throat. She let go of my head but her fist came down on my stomach again and I flipped over, falling from the sofa to the floor.
“Yeah. You can stay down there.” She sneered at me as I tried to get my breath back. I was trying to stop myself from vomiting all over the carpet. The last time I’d done that, she’d made damn sure I regretted. She stood over me, as if waiting for it to happen again, and when it didn’t, she huffed out a sigh and stomped away, slamming the bedroom door behind her.
I balled up a piece of paper and threw it across the room in frustration. I should have been so much more productive, but by Monday afternoon, I was starting to annoy myself, hence the piss poor attempt at getting out some tension.
I’d started work on the soft play centre’s designs, but no matter what I did, I wasn’t happy with any of it. I changed colours, and fonts, and pictures, and still nothing would stick. I hadn’t even thought about the tagline, or the press release they’d hired me to write for when they relaunched. They were relying on me to get them what they needed but my mind wouldn’t settle.
It hadn’t settled since I’d walked away from Ash on Friday night. But it wasn’t only that. Jay had been calling me more and more every day, to the point where, that morning, I’d turned my phone off. I wasn’t supposed to because it meant clients couldn’t reach me – but clients would leave a message. That was what was so frustrating about Jay. If the reason he was calling was so important, a voicemail would have let me know. He was never shy about voicemails when we were together, so why now?
His persistent calls had put me so on edge, I couldn’t get my creativity to work. My business was suffering while I stressed myself out over why he was calling.
I looked back to my computer screen, where the unfinished logo mocked me. This should have been the easiest job I’d had in months, and yet, nothing looked right.
I still had a few days until my deadline, so I did something I hadn’t done in years. I turned the computer off in the middle of my working day, picked up my phone, and left my office. Even on days when I had little work, I always found ways to do something productive, whether it was reading business magazines, or following up with clients, or researching the latest trends. There was always something I could do to make sure the jobs kept coming. But since my mind was distracted, there was really no point in trying.
I went through to the kitchen to make some coffee. Maybe not the best choice since my mind was already buzzing, but I figured I’d take it to my window seat in the living room and read for a bit. It was the only thing that usually made me forget everything, and my reading nook was the perfect place.
While I waited for my coffee, I risked turning on my phone to check if I had had any work calls. To my surprise, I got just one more missed call alert from Jay, and a Twitter alert from Ash.
Ash McKay: Can you be at The Empty Bottle in Manchester tonight? I get a half an hour break at nine. I know it’s a really inconvenient time, and this is out of nowhere but it’s the only way I can talk to you right now.
Right away, worry flooded me. Had something happened? I hadn’t expected to hear from him after what I’d seen and from how dejected his last messages had sounded. I’d wanted to reach out to him to find out how he was, but I wasn’t sure it was the right thing to do, not knowing how his girlfriend would treat him if she ever found out he was talking to me. I would have messaged him during the week because the concern would have gotten too much, but I hadn’t thought he would speak out first, and definitely not to ask me to meet him.
But since he had, and since his message seemed like a plea for help, I typed back: Of course. I’ll be there.
A few minutes later, he replied: Thank you.
Since the last time I saw him, I’d tried everything I could to stop myself thinking about what I’d seen, because, when it came down to it, what I’d witnessed was an argument between a couple. But it wasn’t exactly what I’d heard that had concerned me. Sure, Ash’s girlfriend didn’t seem like a good person, if I hadn’t seen them, I wouldn’t have been so worried.
It was the way he’d almost cowered away from her. He wasn’t a huge guy, but he certainly wasn’t lacking in height or muscle. His girlfriend was tiny. Shorter than him with a small frame, and yet she seemed to dwarf him in every way. Her essence seemed to shroud and scare him almost, and when he’d spoken to me… he looked so worn down. That told me that this wasn’t the first time she’d yelled at him over something trivial, and I very quickly understood why he didn’t want to tell her he’d met me if that was how she behaved just when he’d said he was tired.
I was lucky. I had the best friends a girl could ever want, but what if Ash didn’t have that? What if he had no-one?
When I was at my lowest point, I never asked for help.
Maybe I didn’t owe Ash anything, but since I’d spotted signs of sadness in him and he had asked for my help, I couldn’t ignore it. Not until I knew for sure if he could handle whatever situation he was in.
I’d never been to The Empty Bottle before. There were several places in Manchester the girls and I frequented, but this was not one of them. Live music venues were still a very new thing to me, and I wasn’t sure what the place would be like, but it looked reasonably well kept.
I arrived at eight thirty, giving me time to relax before Ash took his break. I spotted Ash right away when I walked into the club. He was behind the bar, wearing a black polo shirt with the club’s logo embroidered on the left hand side of his chest. It was actually kinda formal for that kind of place. Most times, bar staff just wore whatever. He didn’t see me right away, so I stood by the door, hiding myself behind the people coming and going.
He looked pretty at ease there, serving drinks and making small talk with customers. But he still wasn’t as chilled as the average person. His shoulders always seemed heavy with tension, and if you looked closely enough into his eyes, they had vacancy behind them. Like no emotion ever fully reached him.
Rewind a couple of years and you could be looking in a mirror.
I straightened up and headed for the bar. It wasn’t too busy, but busier than I’d have expected on a Monday night. At the end of the room, the stage was set up for a band and, from what I understood, local and up and coming bands performed there during quieter times, but many slots were booked for better known acts. Since the place wasn’t heaving, I assumed it was a local band night.
I slipped into a space between the thirsty patrons and waited to be served. Ash was finishing up with someone when another barman approached me to take my order. Ash eyed him like he was annoyed but he didn’t say anything. I asked for a bottle of water, and as the guy walked to the fridge to get it, I smiled at Ash. It was a small, uncertain kind of smile and he returned it. When the other guy handed me my drink and my change, I gave Ash a brief nod to let him know to come and find me when it was time for his break.
I walked across the room and stood with my back against the wall since there was nowhere to sit. I probably looked as out of place as ever, but I didn’t care. I wouldn’t be staying long anyway.
As I waited, I watched Ash as he continued to work. Not just the way he was with customers, but with his co-workers too. All of his exchanges with them were polite, but he didn’t have
the same kind of banter as the others had together. There was a lot of laughter, and while Ash looked on, smiling now and again, he never really let go.
The time moved quickly, and soon, Ash was heading towards me. My stomach churned a little, and I had a moment of wishing I’d kept my mouth shut and stayed at home. Because, what if whatever he told me was more awful than I’d imagined?
What if you imagined too much?
Wouldn’t have been the first time. After all, a couple arguing in a car park was hardly unusual. What if I’d seen a problem that wasn’t actually there?
“Hey,” he said. “Let’s go outside.”
I nodded, following him out through the main doors. It was much quieter outside The Empty Bottle than it had been at the bar on Saturday night. The temperature had dropped another few degrees since then, so people weren’t lingering, but also… it was Monday.
Ash led me a little way down the street and around the corner to the club’s parking area. It was brightly lit, and the few cars parked there glittered with frost. I tightened my jacket around myself as we stopped under a small archway between the club and a closed café.
“Thanks for coming here,” Ash said, looking down at me. “I know it was a lot to ask, and I’m sorry. I just… I…”
I held up my hand to stop him. He wrapped his arms around himself; he must have been frozen in his work t-shirt. “It’s okay. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to be. What’s going on, Ash?”
He lowered his head and sighed. “I feel like I owe you an explanation. I felt like a dick for the way I left the other night, and then when you came out and saw me with Natalie… I didn’t want you to see that.”
