by Kyra Lennon
“What did I see exactly?”
Ash still didn’t look at me. “I told you she was possessive. Probably an understatement.”
“Does she always speak to you that way?”
He nodded. “Pretty much. Unless she needs something from me.”
“Why would you put up with that?” The words had slipped out of my mouth before I could stop them. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for that to sound so judgemental. But… why would you?”
When he looked up at me, the answer was in his eyes. Because I love her. His response hit me right in my messed up little heart, so much so that my hands began to shake. I’d been there. Loving someone you know is wrong for you. Wanting them to love you back just as much, and praying every day that something will change and you can get back what you once had.
“Ash. Please can I hug you?”
I had to ask before I made another move that scared him. When he nodded again in response, I stepped forward and slipped my arms around him. He held me back so tight that I thought he might break me, but I hugged him just as hard, hoping that maybe some of my warmth would seep into him. This kid was cold, not in personality, but in his demeanour. Something, most likely his girlfriend, had broken down the warmth inside him and left him hollow and detached from reality. Whatever was going on within that relationship was stripping away his self-respect.
As we finally parted, I looked up at him. “What can I do?”
“Nothing. That’s the problem. I shouldn’t have made you come all the way here because there’s nothing you can do.”
“You didn’t make me do anything. But I hoped there would be some way I could help. I just don’t know what you need.”
He sighed and ran his hands through his dark hair. “I don’t think anyone’s ever asked me that before. So… I don’t know what the answer is.”
I wanted to hug him again. To bundle him into my car, drive him to my place, make him a hot drink and talk it all through. If nobody had ever asked what he needed, who was looking out for him?
“How long have you been with your girlfriend?” I asked.
“Two and a half years. She wasn’t always like this. Not until we moved in together.”
“How long ago was that?”
“About a year and a half ago.”
Geez. That was long time to have someone sucking out your soul.
“This might seem like a stupid suggestion,” I said, “but have you ever tried telling her how you feel? That the way she is is hard on you?”
“Yeah, because that wouldn’t make me sound pathetic at all.”
Youth. I didn’t miss those days when speaking up made me feel lame. But I remembered.
“It’s not like she doesn’t know how she is. She seems to get a kick out of it.”
“Have you ever tried telling her to stop?”
He laughed bitterly. “Oh yeah.”
“And what happens?”
“Believe me when I tell you you don’t want to know.”
His head dropped again, and the colour drained from his face as if he was recalling bad memories. It was pretty clear that, right then, he wasn’t planning on leaving her anytime soon, but as far as I could see, that was the only answer. I also knew that, deep down, he knew it too.
“Ash, have you ever talked to anyone about this?”
“Nope. There’s nobody I can talk to.”
I cast my mind back through our conversations; the only time he’d ever mentioned family was when he’d said that he didn’t know his dad. He’d never mentioned any friends by name either.
“What about your mum?” I asked. “I know you said your dad wasn’t around. Do you have any brothers or sisters?”
He shook his head. “No brothers or sisters. My mum lives in Spain now. She has a new life, and she actually liked Natalie.”
“Surely she’d want to know what’s happening?”
“No. She comes back once every couple of years, usually with a new boyfriend at least ten years younger than her, and all she wants to do when she’s here is go back to Spain. She’s… she’s just all about her.”
“When did she move away?”
“When I was eighteen. As soon as I was at uni, she was gone.”
Oh, God. He really was alone.
“Well,” I said, “can we keep talking? Not now, you have to get back to work soon. But what if we keep on messaging each other, and you can talk to me anytime things get too difficult. I know I said we shouldn’t see each other again, but you’re already isolated enough. So, let’s try again. Let’s go to another gig. Maybe we can try to find some that aren’t as close to home so you don’t have to worry about anyone seeing you.”
Even in the cold, I felt my cheeks warm with embarrassment. I sounded like I was trying to get him in a hotel again.
When he laughed, my heart lightened and I looked up at him. “I know you’re not trying to get me on my own,” he said. “I understand that you’re not interested in me like that. Why would you be?”
His comment was both a relief and another tug at my heart. Did he feel that way because of something I’d done? Or because his girlfriend had killed his self-esteem?
Choosing not to respond to that particular point for fear I’d make things worse, I said, “So, what do you say? Will you keep talking to me?”
“Yes. And if there’s anything you want to go to, tell me and I’ll try to get the time off work.”
I got home from work just after midnight, exhausted as always, and ready to get some sleep. I’d got used to doing everything in a certain order, a certain way so I didn’t wake Natalie. She was bad when she was drunk, but waking her up turned her into a total monster.
I hung up my jacket, took off my shoes, and crept to the kitchen to make some coffee. Sounded like a stupid thing to drink before going to sleep, but I’d always done it, and it had never stopped me drifting off. I needed to relax before getting into bed, and so I took my drink into the living room and sat on the bean bag, where I spent most of my time. I’d fallen asleep there more times than I could remember.
I’d sat in the exact same position when I’d got home from Exeter, doing the same thing I was doing now. Trying to work out what the hell was wrong with me. And whether I’d made the right choice about talking to Evie.
She was so damn kind. I couldn’t believe I’d asked her to come to my workplace, or that she came. Why would she? We’d met twice. I wasn’t important to her. She probably felt sorry for me or something. That was the last thing I wanted from anyone. Pity. I’d got myself into this mess, and I deserved everything I got.
But I thought Evie was a bit different. Something about the way she looked at me told me that she might understand.
You selfish twat. You could have asked her about her. Instead, you let her ask all the questions. She probably thinks you’re a self-centred idiot.
Once the thought appeared, I wasn’t sure I could let it go. Maybe I should ask her… something?
I pulled out my phone and went to Twitter. It was my go-to app lately. She would probably be asleep by now, but I still wanted to try.
Thank you for coming tonight. I wanted to ask though…did you go through something like this too?
I sent the message before I could talk myself out of it. Besides, I wanted to know. Whatever it was that had happened to her, maybe I could listen. It was the least I could do since she’d put herself out for me.
As expected, there was no answer, so I exited the app, turned off my phone, and put it on the table.
“Hey.”
I stiffened at the sound of Natalie’s voice. There was no way I could have woken her. I’d done everything the same way as always.
I turned my head to see what mood she was in, and I was surprised to see her smiling sleepily as she walked towards me. She was wearing one of my t-shirts, and it hung around her loosely.
“You okay?” I asked as she sat down beside me. I shuffled over on the beanbag so she had some more room and she reste
d her head on my shoulder. Her hair was soft against my face, and it smelled like lemons. I loved her when she was like this. When she was the way she used to be.
“Couldn’t sleep,” she said, and I put my arm around her. Maybe we’d sit and talk for a while, fall asleep like this.
Maybe she’d give me something to make me remember how things were before.
She turned towards me slightly. “How was work?”
Dread hit me instantly.
She knows. She knows I saw Evie.
She must have felt my heartbeat speeding up as she looked at me curiously. I quickly told my brain I was wrong. If she knew, this was not how she would have greeted me.
“It was fine,” I told her. “Same as always. How about you? How was your evening?”
“Boring.” She yawned. “I talked to Skye on the phone for a while and then watched Netflix.”
“Sounds better than work.”
“Yeah. I wished you were here.”
This is her. This is my Natalie.
When she smiled then leaned in to kiss me, everything she’d done before disappeared. She snuggled into me for a moment then turned over a bit more, putting her leg over me, straddling me. Her eyes softened when they met mine and I placed my hands on her back as she kissed me again. She moved her hands down my chest towards the waistband of my trousers. As she opened the button and slid the zip down, I slipped my hands underneath her t-shirt and touched the soft skin on her back. My fingers reached the clip of her bra but she leaned back, like she didn’t want me to take it off and my hands automatically moved back down. She shuffled back far enough to pull down my trousers and boxers, then stood up and took off her knickers. She sank down onto me fast, and I held onto her hips as she moved up and down on me, kissing me hard.
Even though she controlled the pace, she was showing me she still wanted me, and I needed it. Needed her to let me know she still wanted me around. That she still cared. My dick twitched inside her; she felt so good, and I knew from the sound of her breathing that she was close to the edge. It was only a minute later that she let out that cry I loved to hear from her and she sank down against my chest as I came inside her with a deep, shuddering breath.
I wrapped my arms around her, trying to hold onto the moment, but as soon as my hands touched her, she backed off and stood up.
“Enjoy your coffee,” she said, before going back to our room.
I stared at the closed door, trying to understand what just happened. I’d had a small reminder of the woman I loved. The one who wanted to just sit beside me and talk. The one who cared how my day was.
But then she got what she’d wanted. Life was back to normal.
I couldn’t stomach the coffee anymore. Instead of finishing it, I stood up, tucked myself away, and lay down on the couch, my eyes fixed on the ceiling.
“Get out of the way.”
I blinked a couple of times, but I was too slow. I felt a kick to my feet, knocking them from the sofa to the floor, and I moved out of the way before she could sit on me. She held a bowl of cereal and rested it on the arm of the couch.
Yup. Definitely back to normal.
It was still only eight o’clock, and it had to have been around three before I went to sleep. I hadn’t even been thinking. My mind had gone dark, empty. I’d just lay on my back, staring straight ahead until my eyes had closed.
Lucky for me, Natalie had to go to work that day which meant I could go back to sleep in an hour, when she left. She worked in a supermarket three days a week; a job she hated but felt she had to do, as if to prove she was making a contribution. It was a joke. She contributed nothing. Sometimes she went out food shopping, but mostly, the money she earned was hers.
Instead of sitting with her in silence, I stood up and went to the bathroom to have a quick shower. A really quick one, because I knew she’d flip if I took too long. I needed to freshen up. To wash the memory of last night off me and maybe start to feel like a normal human again. I wrapped a towel around my waist after my five minute shower and walked towards the bedroom to find clean clothes.
I took my time, and she still didn’t speak to me when she came in to get her own clothes before going into the bathroom. I didn’t put too much effort into what I wore because I wasn’t going anywhere. I went to the kitchen to make coffee, feeling like I was starring in a boring version of Groundhog Day. With my drink made, I went back to the living room, back to the sofa and sat down, watching the clock. Right on time, Natalie came out of the bathroom, and I heard her moving around, getting ready. Even though I had done nothing to annoy her, I knew from her morning mood it was best to keep still and quiet.
“Clean this place up while I’m gone, babe.” She barked out the words then slammed the front door.
Calling me babe was about as meaningful as her using me to get herself off the night before. Just a word, like last night was just an action. She must have still loved me though. She had to. If she didn’t, she wouldn’t stay. She wouldn’t still smile at me in that way she had, or tell me she missed me.
She wouldn’t be here.
I picked up my phone and turned it on and, right away, I was alerted to a message from Evie.
Evie West: It was no problem. And, no, I haven’t been through anything like you have, but I know what it’s like to be in a confusing relationship.
I wondered what she meant by that. I supposed there were many ways a relationship could be confusing, but I couldn’t think beyond my own situation. What else could be confusing?
Me: I’m sorry. At least you’re out of it now.
Evie West: In a manner of speaking. It doesn’t just go away though.
Me: I guess not. Did you have any thoughts on when we can meet?
Evie West: There’s nothing much on I want to see at the moment. With Christmas coming up, there isn’t a lot going on.
Me: Can we just pick something random and go to that?
I was aware that I sounded desperate, but I really wanted to get away.
Evie West: Lol, see what you can find and I’ll try to make it work.
I didn’t need asking twice. I pulled up my browser on my phone and began searching for my favourite venues far enough away from home to need an overnight stay, and looked for upcoming shows on nights I wasn’t working. It took a while, but eventually I found one by Black Tree Vultures in Birmingham. The downside? It was four days before Christmas.
A grown-up like Evie probably wouldn’t want to or be able to go on that date. Panic hit me as my hope of some time out began to slip away. I had no idea what she even did for Christmas, and again, I felt like a prick for not knowing more about her. She’d been so good to me, listened to me whenever I needed her, and I still knew nothing.
I wiped my palms on my jeans, hoping to God that she’d be able to make this happen. I wanted something good to hold onto because I was certain my own Christmas would probably end in disaster.
I messaged Evie to check if she would be free, and waited, staring at the screen and silently repeating ‘please, please, please,’ over and over in my head. When she confirmed, right away, some of my tension eased.
For once, I’d get to spend one entire evening with someone who would talk to me, someone I could trust, and not worry about Natalie finding out.
Even though she controlled most aspects of my life, Natalie never stopped me going out to see bands. I’d been afraid that she’d say no this one time. She did grill me about having two overnight stays recently, but before that, I’d only been to local gigs in the last six months, and even those had been few. Not sure what it is about bands. You can go for months and see nothing, then out of nowhere, everyone’s announcing a tour and you want to go to everything.
I’d overanalysed every aspect of this trip. Was I wrong for lying to Natalie about where I was going and with who? Yes. No doubt about it. Lying to my girlfriend was becoming a habit, and I didn’t feel good about that. But hiding the fact that I was going with Evie wasn’t only because she�
�s female. Natalie didn’t like me going out with anyone except her and her friends. If I’d been going with a mate from work, she still would have said no. The only way I could go anywhere was to say I was going alone.
The most terrifying thing to me was the constant fear that Natalie would find out somehow. In my position, I guess most people wouldn’t have thought it was worth the risk. Because it was a risk. Natalie’s wrath would have put Satan’s to shame.
Shit.
What the hell was I thinking? What if she does find out?
For a second, my heart jerked in my chest and I broke into a sweat thinking about what she would do to me if she knew the truth. My body tensed and I could almost feel her inflicting bruises on me already, like she had so many times before.
My vision blurred as the train pulled in, and I halted, frozen, my mind locked into that place. The place of fear that kept me chained to my flat. That stopped me doing anything other than going to work and the occasional music show.
I heard her words in my head, words she’d said so many times before:
‘Do you really think anyone wants to hang out with you, Ash? Just because you like music, doesn’t mean you’re fun to be around. You’re boring and you know it.’
And then I saw her again, her hand wrapped around my throat, her other hand raised, ready to strike me. ‘I don’t want to do this to you. You’re just so fucking stupid sometimes!’
“Sir, are you getting on this train?”
I jumped, my thoughts scattering as one of the train guards approached me, whistle in hand.
I wanted to answer, but my head was so full of her. Of what she might do to me because I’d gone against her.
“Sir?”
I blinked a couple of times, and in that second, I thought about what I needed. And what I needed was twenty-four hours when I didn’t have the looming fear of being physically abused.
I picked up my bag and nodded. “Yeah. I’m getting on.”
Since Stockport was on the way to Birmingham, I was meeting Evie on the train, and as we pulled into her stop, I looked around for her as people poured into the carriage.
