by Kyra Lennon
“That’s the one,” Evie said, placing her finger on one of the designs in the book.
I looked down to see she’d chosen an open umbrella, with a hand holding onto it and a bit of an arm, as if it were reaching out, offering the umbrella to someone. There were raindrops all around the umbrella, and each section was a different bright colour.
“Why an umbrella?” I asked.
Her eyes flicked up to look at me before gazing back at the picture. “Well, I’ve been thinking a lot lately. About the things that happened to me, and to you. Neither of us would probably still be here if it wasn’t for the fact that we have friends. Sure, a lot of the things we’ve gotten through have been because of our strength, but we all need help sometimes. So, I guess it’s kind of a metaphor. When it’s raining, if you look hard enough, there’s always someone out there who’s willing to hold out an umbrella for you, to keep you dry.”
Her cheeks flushed a little, like she was embarrassed by how much thought she’d put into this. Like she’d exposed a vulnerability, or a part of herself she hadn’t meant to share.
I smiled. “I like that.”
“You do?”
“Yeah.” I looked over at Dave, who was walking towards us. “Maybe I should get one too.”
Her eyes widened. “Really?”
I nodded. “As long as you don’t mind that I’m stealing one of the things on your to-do list. And they can fit me in today too. Before I change my mind.”
Evie laughed. “I don’t mind. But, would you get an umbrella too?”
“If that isn’t too weird.”
I hadn’t really thought about the connotations of that, and now I could feel my cheeks warming. Would she think I was trying to engage in some odd friendship bonding ritual, or that I was some weirdo trying to get closer to her by us getting matching tattoos? I mean, we had met in the rain. She had literally held her umbrella over me, the night I was considering suicide. It made sense in so many ways, but I didn’t want it to seem like I was being creepy.
She laughed. “As long as we’re not getting each other’s names on the tattoos, I think we’re fine.”
“Yeah, I’m not that stupid. Tattooing names somehow always equals disaster.”
It was the classic tale. Two people get their names tattooed on each other, and then, shortly after, something bad happens and those two people are stuck with a bad memory forever. At least with an umbrella, Evie’s metaphor would always make sense if anyone ever asked about it.
Evie was about to answer when Dave stopped in front of us and said, “I’m ready for you, Evie, if you’ve found something suitable.”
“I’m ready,” she said, although apprehension crossed her face as she glanced at the chair she was about to sit in. Then she looked at me, grinning. “Is there anyone else free? My friend here wants one too.”
What better way was there to spend the B&B money my mum gave me? Okay, yeah, it could have gone towards my deposit, but Evie’s impulsiveness was rubbing off on me. Maybe because I wanted to go into the new year with something new. Something other than crippling anxiety and a string of self-doubt.
Dave nodded and turned, calling over to the guy behind the counter. “Yo, Jimmy. Got a job for you.”
Jimmy looked like almost every young guy who came into the club I worked in. All dressed in black, face piercings, and spiked up black hair. He stood up, smiling. “Do you know what you want?”
I nodded, pointing to the same umbrella Evie showed me. “But can you make it less… girly?”
Jimmy laughed. “Sure. I can make yours plain black if you want?”
“That’ll do for me.”
“Okay,” Evie said with a deep sigh, looking more and more terrified with each passing second. “Let’s do this.”
Some time later, Evie and I left the tattoo shop, both of us smiling, but Evie more than me. As we got outside onto the street, she gripped the front of my jacket and jumped up and down.
“I did it, Ash! I did one thing from my list of things to do, and that was a big one!”
I laughed at her enthusiasm as a couple of strands of hair fell from the loose bun on the top of her head. “You did. And you did really good.”
“I know!” She let go of my jacket and we began walking towards her car. “I thought I would throw up or something, but I was totally fine. I can’t believe it. And I can’t wait to go home and spend the rest of the afternoon looking at it!”
Even through the wrap we both had around our tattoos, they were visible enough. I hated to think about how much she’d be looking at hers once the wrap came off in a few hours. Evie had had her tattoo placed on the top of her arm, and mine was on my shoulder, where I no longer had any bruising—so we weren’t totally matching. I didn’t regret my in-the-moment decision at all. Although I wasn’t as good at expressing it, I felt as excited as Evie. I never made decisions just like that. Everything was weighed up with precision and a lot of anxiety.
But there was no one judging me, analysing my every move now, and it felt fucking great to just do something. I’d always heard that girls get their hair cut after a break-up.
Well, guys get tattoos.
“Thanks, Evie,” I said suddenly. The words fell out of my mouth without me realising what I was saying.
We both stopped walking and she turned to me, curiosity on her face. “What for?”
Shit. I need an answer.
But the answer was too big. She’d been saving my life from the day I met her. A simple thank you was not enough.
I shuffled my feet, trying to work out exactly what I wanted to say. It was a weird time and place; in the middle of the street outside a tattoo shop, my back stinging and trying to fend off the late December cold. But I needed to tell her.
“I just… this wasn’t how I expected today to go. I didn’t expect to find myself laughing or even smiling for a while yet, but because of you, I have. And sure, my back is stinging like a bitch right now, but it was worth it. I’m glad I came with you today and I’m even more glad you ran out of that club in the rain. Life would be a lot different if you hadn’t.”
“…life would be a lot different if you hadn’t.”
I looked up at him, both of us shivering from the cold, and thought about what he’d just said.
“Life would be a lot different for me too,” I told him.
And it would. I would have been to fewer places, and I’d have stressed over Jay more, and I’d have not smiled as much.
I wouldn’t have been reminded that I could still feel. Even if those feelings were pain for someone else, and had caused a lot of my own memories to resurface. I’d spent so long with them locked away, I’d started to believe I didn’t have any emotions left inside me. That maybe I would never feel anything again.
And as much as those memories hurt, they reminded me I was, in fact, still alive. Still breathing. And that there would be times when I could smile and have fun.
I could do something on impulse.
I could do the things I wanted to do, and they wouldn’t always be as harrowing as that first time I went to a gig on my own. Sometimes, they’d be liberating, like the tattoo was.
Smiling up at Ash, I said, “Thank you. In a very unexpected way, you have actually changed my life. If nothing else, you’ve helped me achieve one thing on my to-do list of things to achieve before I’m thirty.”
Urgh. Thirty.
“When are you thirty?” Ash asked, as we started to walk again.
“March 4th. And I like that, for one more day, I can still say, ‘not until next year’.”
Ash laughed. “It’s not that big of a deal, you know? Just another day, really.”
“Well, you can say that because you’re not even twenty-five yet. And you won’t be for another two years.” I nudged his arm with mine and he laughed again.
“Well, I’ll be twenty-four in August. That’s… closer to twenty-five.”
I rolled my eyes, but couldn’t help chuckling. “One d
ay you’ll be close to thirty and you’ll understand. Maybe it’s different for men, though,” I mused.
“How?”
“Because men get more handsome as they get older, but with women, everything gets wrinkly and saggy.”
“Men don’t get wrinkly?”
“They do, but… it somehow looks different on them.”
“I don’t think you need to worry about that for a long time yet,” Ash said, and I looked up at him as we reached my car.
“No?”
He shook his head, and then he smirked. “Well, at least not until you’re thirty-one.”
My mouth dropped open and he laughed and quickly moved away from me around to the passenger side of my car.
I smiled to myself. I knew I’d probably just caught him on the same tattoo high I was on, but it was nice to see him more relaxed around me. And just relaxed in general.
I unlocked the car and we got inside and put on our seatbelts.
“Evie?” I looked over at Ash, and he said, “If it’s okay with you, would I be able to take you up on the offer of going out tonight?”
When Ash had said he wanted to get a tattoo too, I’d been surprised. The way he’d stumbled over his words had amused me, but I loved that he wanted to join me on my mission to break out of my rut. But I’d never been more shocked than when he’d said he wanted to come to Keely’s with me. I’d thought he’d much prefer the quiet of my house to a party, even though it was never going to be a wild one. In some ways, I almost would have preferred something a little more upbeat, just because I felt so liberated after taking a step in the right direction. I didn’t want to stop.
I never did New Year’s resolutions, but I was planning to make it my aim to get out more, enjoy myself more, and do more things that scared me—because the tattoo was scary as hell.
As Ash and I approached Keely’s front door, he said, “Are you sure they don’t mind me coming?”
He’d asked at least four times during the day, and I’d even showed him the text from Keely saying he was welcome, yet somehow, he still wasn’t sure. I guessed it came more from nerves than anything else though. It was one thing going out to a club to see a band, where he could blend into the crowd, but here, he was a bit more exposed. It didn’t help that he still had a hint of bruising at the top of his neck, but I doubted anyone would notice it. He’d worn a t-shirt with a collar, which would hide most of it. I knew he was conscious of it though, because he’d kept adjusting it until I’d told him it was fine.
“They really don’t mind,” I told him. “But if you want to go home, we can. Now, or just if you get too uncomfortable later.”
He looked at me with apprehension in his eyes, as if he was thinking he would have been better off staying at mine.
“I don’t want to make you leave,” he said. “We’ll stay as long as you want to.”
He really was incredibly thoughtful, and his blue eyes sparkled a little in the glow from the fairy lights hanging tastefully around the porch. He’d even had a bit of a shave, trimming up his beard.
Maybe if he was just a bit older…
I shook the thought from my head. “Let’s just see how things go.”
I reached up and rang the doorbell, clutching the bottle of red wine I’d brought with me. I didn’t drink it myself, but I knew Keely loved it, and there would be others who would too. Keely and Nick always made sure to stock up on everything people might need, but I never felt right going over empty-handed.
“Evie!” Keely said, opening the door and ushering us in. The low hum of chatter from the living room and kitchen could be heard, and there was some pop music playing too. It wasn’t a big party atmosphere, but there was a definite buzz in the air, and I handed her the wine as I took off my jacket.
“Hey! You look amazing!”
And she really did. Her blonde hair was shiny and straight, and she wore tight blue jeans that showed off her figure—you’d never have guessed she’d had two kids—and a black low cut top. Sparkly earrings dangled from her lobes and her make-up was perfect.
“You look great too,” Keely said, and I thanked her but wasn’t sure I looked that good. I’d also chosen to wear blue skinny jeans, with a red off-the-shoulder top, my hair also down and straight for a change.
Keely’s eyes fell on Ash. “Keely, this is Ash,” I said, looking up at him. He’d become almost rigid again, even though I could tell he was trying to seem casual. “Ash, this is my best friend, Keely.”
“And I’m Nick!” Nick hopped out into the hallway, a bottle of beer in his hand. “Keely’s better half. Do you want a drink?”
Ash’s eyes shifted towards me quickly but then he nodded. He shrugged out of his jacket and I took it, holding it with mine.
“There’s loads of stuff to choose from,” Nick told him, making absolutely no big deal of Ash’s awkwardness, and Ash’s shoulders seemed to unclench a little.
I had never loved Nick more.
Nick gestured towards the living room. “Right this way. I’ll show you what we have.”
I gave Nick a grateful smile as Ash walked on ahead of him into the living room and then got swallowed up amongst the people. When they were gone, I hung up our jackets as best as I could on the already full coat rack, and when I turned back to Keely, I saw incredulity on her face.
“What?” I asked blankly.
“What?” she screeched, and I was grateful that people were too engaged in their own conversations to hear her. “Did you forget to tell me something?”
My eyebrows drew together.
“Evie. You said he was younger than you. You said that lots of times. But you failed to mention he’s gorgeous!”
If it weren’t for the fact that I had just had a similar thought, I would have been taken aback.
The thing was, I had never been looking at him that way. I’d seen him as first an acquaintance, then as someone who really needed a friend, just like I did. I couldn’t deny that, with everything he’d been through, the fact that he’d still managed to be there for me when I needed him had made me think of him as a best friend. But that was as far as it had gone until that fleeting thought outside.
“You think?” I asked.
“You don’t?”
I shrugged, concerned that now it had been pointed out, I was thinking about it. God, I’d only been in the door thirty seconds. I had a feeling it was going to be a long evening.
“Keely, his looks have been the last thing on my mind,” I told her honestly.
“You didn’t notice when you first met him?” She sounded astonished and I laughed out loud.
“You’re acting like I walked in here with a Hemsworth. The first time I met him, I was in the middle of a panic attack, remember? He could have been the hottest guy in the world and all I would have cared about was not being inside that club anymore.”
She shrugged. “Fair enough. I’ll shut up.” But the smirk on her face told me she wouldn’t, and I sighed.
“Stop it now,” I told her firmly. “He has been through some serious trauma. What he needs is someone in his life who doesn’t want anything from him. I’m not about to ruin that by getting all googly-eyed over him.”
Keely held up her hand. “Okay. Fine. I’m sorry. Let’s go get a drink.”
Good plan. I suddenly realised how much I needed one.
As I followed Keely through to the living room, I stopped to greet mutual friends and have a quick chat. I was a little anxious about how Ash might be feeling, in a strange house with someone he’d only just met, but I also hadn’t seen some of the people in the room since last New Year, and I found I was enjoying catching up. It wasn’t long, maybe ten minutes at the most, but I eventually made my way through to the kitchen where there were a few more people, mostly men standing by the drinks on the breakfast table. Keely was talking to the couple who lived next door to them, and I found Ash talking to Nick by the door that led to the garage.
I watched them for a moment before approac
hing. Both guys were holding a bottle of beer, although it looked like Ash had hardly had any of his yet, but his body was a lot less tense than it had been when we’d arrived. He and Nick were chatting as if they’d known each other forever.
“Here you go, Evie Bear,” Keely said, approaching me from the side with a glass of chilled white wine in her hand and holding it out for me. She was holding a glass of red for herself.
“Thank you,” I said, taking a bigger sip than I’d intended. Maybe it was the surprise of Ash taking to the party so quickly. Or maybe it was just Nick. He was so chilled that you couldn’t help but feel relaxed around him.
Keely and I walked towards them and they looked our way. Nick smiled brightly, and said, “Evie, where have you been hiding this guy? You didn’t tell me he was a football fan.”
“I didn’t know,” I said, shrugging, the reminder that there was still probably a lot we didn’t know about each other prickling at me for some reason.
“We never talked about it,” Ash said. “Which is weird when you think about how many things we have talked about.”
I nodded in agreement. We’d discussed music, TV shows, movies, food, places we liked to go and places we wanted to go. But somehow, this particular thing had passed us by.
“I’ve already decided I’m taking him to a match one day,” Nick went on, nodding in Ash’s direction, and I chuckled. I guessed he’d had more than a few beers. Sober, he was pretty quiet, but after a couple of drinks, he was more confident. Not in a brash way, just more outgoing than usual.
The four of us stood chatting for a while, more drinks consumed by all of us, and I loved how easily Ash spoke with Keely and Nick. He seemed to actually be enjoying himself, and it was refreshing to see him that way when out in public. It probably helped a lot to know that, in Stockport, in the house of my best friends, there was absolutely no danger of Natalie showing up.
While we were chatting, I suddenly became aware of a raised voice from the living room and people talking faster, the tone less casual and a bit more anxious.
