by Kyra Lennon
I looked to Nick and Keely to see if they’d sensed it too when my heart froze in my chest.
“Evie. There you are.”
Jay.
It felt like the entire kitchen had paused as Jay and I stared at each other.
God, he looked good. He was wearing jeans and a smart, black button-down shirt. His black hair was messy, but then again, it always was. It was one of the strange little things that had attracted me to him in the beginning.
“What are you doing here?” Keely asked, breaking the silence, and as he walked towards us, people began to go on their way again, back to minding their own business.
“I knew Evie would be here tonight,” Jay said. It was as if my friends wanted to protect me as both Keely and Nick had stepped slightly in front of me, shielding me. “She’s always here at New Year. We used to come here together, or have you forgotten?”
I hadn’t forgotten, but I couldn’t get any words out. My chest tightened at the sight of him, all the memories both good and bad rushing through my mind, and I wanted to run.
This was why I hadn’t wanted to see him. I knew what would happen. I knew it would be overwhelming, and all those doors I still hadn’t yet closed would burst open, everything tumbling out in a mess of emotions I didn’t want to feel.
“I’m pretty sure Evie made it clear she didn’t want to see you,” Nick said firmly.
Jay nodded, his deep brown eyes finally meeting mine. “I know. And I’m sorry. I really am, but I can’t… I couldn’t be in town and not see you, Evie. I just want to talk.”
“What about?” I asked, my voice cracking a little, and I took a drink of my wine, hoping it would help.
“Can we please just go somewhere and talk?”
My heart. It felt like it was going to burst from my chest. I really didn’t want to do this, but since he hadn’t got the message the last time I’d told him I didn’t want to see him, what choice did I have? Maybe if I spoke to him for five minutes, we could put an end to it. He would leave and I could enjoy the rest of the evening knowing he wasn’t going to come back.
That didn’t make it any easier.
“Evie,” Keely said, turning to me. “What do you want to do?”
Drawing in a shaky breath, I said, “I’ll talk to him.”
She nodded, looking me in the eye, and I knew that she knew I would make that choice. To get it done and dusted once and for all. “You can use the spare room.”
“Thanks.” I turned to Ash, who was eyeing Jay with both suspicion and… something else I couldn’t quite read. Maybe it was protectiveness. He looked like he would be ready to throw Jay out himself if necessary. “I won’t be long,” I told him, and he nodded.
I handed Keely my glass, my hand still shaky, and Jay and I walked back through the party and up the stairs to Keely’s spare room. Once inside, Jay sat down on the bed, but I just closed the door and leaned back against it. I needed to feel the door handle in my hand, reminding me I could leave any time I wanted.
The room was dark, but I didn’t want to put the light on. I could see him well enough from the light streaming through from outside.
“Evie, please. Will you sit down?”
I shook my head. “I don’t want to. This wasn’t fair, Jay. Showing up like this, unannounced. It wasn’t fair.”
“I know.” He ran his hands roughly through his hair, and now I was closer to him, I saw he looked tired. His eyes were dark and he’d lost weight. But even with all of that being true, he was still Jay. The good-looking boy I’d fallen in love with. The sweet guy I’d married.
I was hit by a wave of guilt for dodging him when he seemed so desperate to talk to me, but I’d needed to protect myself. Needed to keep the distance we both promised to keep. Face to face… I couldn’t avoid anything anymore.
“What’s going on, JJ?” I asked, my nickname for him falling from my lips as if no time had passed at all, and his eyes softened.
His hand ran idly across the duvet cover he sat on, his gaze moving away from me to look around the room. “Who was that guy downstairs?”
Of course he’d be wondering about that.
“He’s… a friend,” I said, not wanting to tell him more. I didn’t owe him any kind of explanation about Ash. Or anything, really.
“Just a friend?”
I sighed. “Jay, what do you want? Why are you here?”
“I miss you, okay?” he snapped, looking up at me again. “I miss you, and I miss us, and I needed to see you. To be around you.”
He looked so lost. A physical embodiment of the pain I’d heard in his voice on the phone.
“Why?” I asked, my voice almost a whisper. “Why do you miss me?”
His brow crinkled as if he didn’t understand the question.
“You broke up with Julia,” I said, still not moving from my place by the door. “Is that why you miss me? Because you’re alone now?”
He shook his head. “No. I missed you way before she and I ended things. Actually, Evie, I missed you within months of moving to be with her, but I knew you would never want me back. So, I tried to make it work with her, but, obviously I couldn’t.”
I knew him well enough to know he wasn’t lying to me. It was the same skill I’d used to figure out that he’d lied about cheating on me with her.
And he was also right. I wouldn’t have taken him back.
“I’m sorry.” It was all I could think of to say.
He stared at me, his gaze burning right through me, forcing me to keep my eyes locked on his. “Don’t you ever miss me, Evie?”
“I used to,” I admitted. “When you first left and for most of the first year you were gone.”
I tried to take my own life because I missed you, and our baby boy, and the life we should have had.
But he didn’t need to know that.
Tears pricked the backs of my eyes. This was everything I’d tried to avoid. It wasn’t as if we hadn’t talked around and around our break-up when it happened, so why go over it again when it was all so damn painful? We’d had our shot at making things work, and we’d failed.
“And then… you just stopped missing me?” he asked.
I shrugged, shaking my head. “What did you want? For me to never get over you? To spend every day of the rest of my life with regrets, punishing myself for everything that went wrong?”
He jumped up from the bed, rushing towards me because he knew instinctively that I was going to crumble from the weight of the memories pushing down on me. In that moment, I saw it all.
The look on his face the moment we were told our baby had died.
The feelings of devastation as I realised we would never get to watch our little boy grow up.
The nights we’d sobbed ourselves to sleep.
The days I’d spent doing nothing but feeling empty, sitting at home alone.
The arguments we’d had because we’d forgotten how to communicate.
The day he told me he was leaving.
My chest ached as if it were happening all over again. Jay took hold of my wrist and pulled me against him, wrapping his arms tightly around me, my head falling onto his shoulder.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
I hated that I felt like I was going to cry, because I’d had the best day. I’d got my tattoo, and I’d had fun with Ash, and I was having a good time at the party. But all of that started to get swept away, as a wave of loss crashed over me, wiping out everything I’d re-built for myself.
Jay gently stroked my hair as I tried to fight back my tears.
“I’m sorry,” he said softly. “I’m such a selfish dick. I shouldn’t have come here.”
I wound my arms around him, the familiarity of him making me feel safe.
He’d been seeking the same thing as me. A way to put the pain behind him. Not the pain of losing our child; I knew that would never end. But the pain of us. Of our relationship and everything that had gone wrong. And while I was happier ignoring it, he’d
needed to face it. To face me.
“It’s okay,” I said.
“I know you don’t want to talk about the bad stuff, and we don’t have to if you don’t want to. Maybe just seeing you is enough.”
I pulled back slightly, my eyes damp as I looked up at him. “It’s not enough. Not for either of us.”
He wanted to talk and I didn’t. That was what had got us into such a mess and, ultimately, led to our divorce. I had talked to other people about our loss, about the breakdown of our relationship, but I had found it so hard to talk to him.
And then he was gone.
I’d blamed myself for him leaving, but I’d also blamed him for not trying harder. The truth was, we’d both made huge mistakes, and we’d let them go on until they were unfixable.
That was why we both held onto so much agony. Why I’d been unable to move on fully, and why I was so damn afraid to see him.
It meant I’d have to face the truth…
“Evie, I have to go now.”
I heard his voice, but I didn’t move from my position. I had been planning to make a cup of tea, but in the time it took me to walk with the kettle to the sink, I’d lost the will. Lost energy. I’d just placed the kettle on the draining board and stood with my hands resting against the edge of the sink, staring out of the kitchen window with tears streaming down my face.
I was no idiot. This day had been approaching for a long time. Way longer than the day Jay announced he was moving out. He’d met someone else. Formed a connection. A connection we no longer shared, apparently.
Apparently. It had been extremely apparent.
Somewhere, deep down inside me, I’d silently hoped that we could work it out. That we would start talking and fix whatever was broken in our relationship. But every day, I couldn’t seem to find the words.
People kept asking me how I was feeling, if I needed to talk, but nobody understood that I couldn’t talk. If I did, I’d have to deal with my grief. With my loss. And while I kept it inside me, it wasn’t gone. My baby boy wasn’t gone. My husband wasn’t gone.
“Evie.”
“I heard you,” I said, my voice sounding colder than I meant it too as I battled to stop my tears.
I heard his footsteps across the tiled floor and I tensed.
This was really it.
“Look at me.” Jay’s tone was almost as cold as mine, and I knew it was for the same reason. Just because he was leaving me for another woman, didn’t mean it was easy for him either.
But he was going to someone else, and when he walked out, I’d be alone.
I turned slowly to him, and seeing his face was all it took for me to break. Suddenly, he was the young boy who’d turned and smiled at me in the college cafeteria. He was the gentle one I’d had my first time with. He was the sexy guy who’d given me confidence. He was the handsome man in the suit waiting for me at the end of the aisle.
He was the man who had cried beside me the moment we no longer heard our baby’s heartbeat.
And now, he was the person standing in front of me as what was left of my heart disintegrated.
“Please,” he whispered as he stepped forwards, placing his hands gently on my face. Looking at him was so painful now, but I had to. I had to look into his green eyes, lock this moment away with the rest of the memories that haunted me. Tucked away in that box, they couldn’t hurt me.
Right?
“Evie.” His thumbs stroked over my cheeks, his voice breaking. “Please don’t cry.”
I wanted to beg him to stay, even though we both knew there was nothing left to stay for now. It was way too late for that.
“Listen to me,” he said softly, and I couldn’t help it, I wrapped my arms around him. It was probably the most I’d touched him in months, and he moved his hands down to my shoulders, down my arms before slipping them around my waist. “God, Evie, this was never how I thought we’d end up.”
I clung to him tighter, burying my head against his chest, trying to fight my feelings.
“You know what we agreed?” he said softly. “Are you sure?”
In that second, I wasn’t sure. The day before, though, I’d told him once he left, he had to really leave. No more contact. I couldn’t take it, knowing he was with someone else, trying to still be my friend when we’d once been everything to each other.
“I’m sure,” I lied.
At my words, I heard him let out a choked sob and he kissed the top of my head. I could feel his tears dripping onto my hair, and everything I’d tried to suppress started to slip. My whole body hurt, like the devastation of our loss was seeping through me, making me want to slump to the floor and never get up again.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I’m so sorry.”
“Me too, baby,” he said. “Me too. But… I have to go.”
I knew. I knew she was waiting for him, and he wasn’t mine anymore.
He pulled back from me a little, our eyes meeting. He leaned his head forward the tiniest bit, like he might kiss me, and my heart stuttered.
I wanted him to kiss me, but I desperately hoped he didn’t.
Drawing in a long breath, he lifted his head again, and I let my arms drop from around him, feeling cold as he stepped away. He looked like he wanted to say something else, but I closed my eyes and turned away.
I was already dangerously close to the edge. Any more words and I didn’t think I’d be able to find my way back.
I stood, frozen, wanting to say so much but still unable to force anything out.
So I waited.
Waited until I heard his footsteps walk away from me. When I finally heard the door close behind him, I let out a loud cry, slipping down to the floor and curling up in a ball.
Jay loosened his hold of me then took my hand and led me to the bed to sit down. We both sat cross-legged, facing each other. It almost made me laugh because it was such a juvenile position. Like we were in a school assembly or something, but for some reason, it was just something we’d always done. The way we sat when we wanted to have a serious conversation. “Are you ready to talk now?”
I wished I was in my favourite oversized jumper so I could hide inside it, tucking my hands inside my sleeves for comfort. “I’m ready.”
“Do you think someone should go up there and make sure she’s okay?”
Evie and her ex-husband had been gone for thirty minutes, and while Keely had had to go and do host duty, topping up drinks and talking to people, Nick had stayed with me for the most part, so I didn’t end up standing around on my own.
He was a good guy, and Keely was great too, but even with them around, I was starting to feel anxious. I’d had a couple of beers, and they had loosened me up, but not enough to forget that I was surrounded by mostly strangers.
And I was worried about Evie. She’d been avoiding her ex, and then he’d just showed up out of nowhere. She’d never had a bad word to say about him, not really, but she was shaking when she walked towards him and I knew whatever they were talking about would probably hit her hard.
I had a feeling that, this time, I would be the one who would be taking care of her instead of the other way around.
“Let’s give it a bit longer,” Nick said, offering me an understanding smile. “I think Keely’s worried too, that’s why she’s keeping busy.”
“She doesn’t like him, does she?”
Nick shook his head. “Not so much. He’s not a bad person. Just, he and Evie went through so much, it broke them. I think losing a child would break a lot of people.” His eyes glazed over for a second, as if he was remembering that time. It was probably hard on all of them, with them being so close. “Keely thinks Jay should have tried harder with Evie, to fix their relationship. It wasn’t all his fault. It wasn’t really about fault, it was just that some things are too hard to overcome.”
I couldn’t argue on that score.
Before I could speak again, I heard the sound of children and adults giggling from the living room, and Nick smiled
. “I guess the kids are up,” he said.
I knew he and Keely had two children, but it sounded like there were at least four or five in the other room.
“Our friends bring their kids over early, and most of them take a nap so they can see the New Year in,” Nick explained. “I can hear my boy in there, but my baby girl will still be sound asleep until the fireworks start.”
I nodded as a little boy around the age of three ran into the kitchen and wrapped his arms around Nick’s ankles. “I slept, Daddy! Now it’s party time!”
The way he was looking up at Nick with huge, excited eyes made me laugh and Nick put his beer on the side and picked up his son.
“Is that so?” he said, as the boy put his arms around Nick’s neck. “In that case, we’d better go into the other room. But first…” He turned slightly so the boy could see me fully. “Oscar, this is Auntie Evie’s friend. His name’s Ash. Do you think we should take him to meet some more people?”
Oscar nodded, grinning. The idea of meeting more people made my heart beat harder, but what else was I going to do? Stand around in the kitchen on my own all night? I couldn’t expect Nick to babysit me the whole time. This was his party, he had to talk to other people.
Giving myself a pep talk that it would all be okay, that the room was mostly full of married couples who were all completely harmless, I followed Nick and Oscar into the living room.
There was no room to sit anywhere in there, as the sofas and chairs were already taken, and the room was quite full, with some people sitting on the floor and others standing around. It was much louder in there now there were kids in there too. They seemed to range from around three to nine years old, and there were seven of them, most of them sitting in a corner, playing with the New Year’s Eve confetti, making a mess on the carpet.
I shuddered at the thought of Natalie glaring at them for doing that. Of course, she would have been polite about it in public. The glare would have been turned on me later, when I would have been forced to clean it all up while she went to bed.
Get out of my head!
I blinked, forcing those thoughts out, and put my attention back to the people around me.
