by Kyra Lennon
“Are you okay?” Keely asked as she walked by with some empty bottles in her hands. “If you want to go outside and get some air, the back door is open, so just go whenever you need to.”
I nodded. I guessed being friends with Evie made her used to people having panic attacks, and she knew how to handle them. “Thanks. I’m okay.”
She smiled before going on her way to the kitchen, and I tried to think about the moment I was in. Not the past. Not the future. Just the party I was at.
After a while, I found myself calming again. I stood talking to a couple called Jamie and Jennifer, who Nick had introduced me to. Just general talk about jobs and hobbies, but I had a weird feeling that Jennifer might have been one of Evie’s good friends and probably knew my story. She had a look of empathy in her eyes, and although she didn’t mention anything, I could feel that she knew.
Evie had been gone for just over an hour when my phone buzzed in my back pocket. I pulled it out, and my hand gripped my phone tight, my mood dipping as I saw the message on the screen from Natalie.
Happy New Year babe. I miss you. Xx
Seriously? She thought that was appropriate? She was probably insanely drunk already, but even so, what the hell was she thinking? If she and I had still been together, one of two things would have happened. Either she would have made me go out with her and her friends, with me sitting quietly while she and her mates got smashed, or she would have told me I couldn’t go out, and let me sit at home alone, just like on Christmas Eve.
In neither scenario would she have been missing me or wishing me a Happy New Year.
I considered telling her to go fuck herself, but instead, I blocked her number then deleted her from my phone. I should have done that as soon as I was capable of using my phone again, but for some reason, I couldn’t seem to do it then.
Maybe I was getting stronger.
The fact that my hand was still trembling told me otherwise, and while nobody was paying attention, I slipped out of the door that led to the front hallway so I could breathe for a minute. As I leaned back against the wall, taking slow breaths, I heard a sound from the top of the stairs. Low voices. I couldn’t make out the words, but Jay rounded the corner, his hands adjusting his belt as he walked. A couple of seconds later, Evie also emerged, her hair a mess, and she was straightening up her top.
Jay didn’t acknowledge me as he walked right out the front door, but I wasn’t looking at him anyway. My eyes were firmly on Evie, and as she saw me, her cheeks flushed bright red.
Wow.
I guessed ‘talk’ was the new word for ‘casual hook-up with your ex’.
“Shit,” she said staring at me for a moment before sinking down onto the top stair, her head dropping forward into her hands.
In between my anger at Natalie for having the nerve to text me, and my surprise at seeing Evie coming out of a bedroom after doing her ex, I wasn’t sure what to do.
Knowing she’d just had sex made me feel… something. I couldn’t pinpoint what it was, but whatever the feeling, I knew she needed me right then, so I stuffed my phone back in my pocket and walked up the stairs towards her, and sat down a couple of steps below her.
“So, I guess I can’t ever call you predictable again,” I said.
Evie snorted out a laugh, but it was quickly followed by a groan. “Oh, God, Ash. I’m such a freaking disaster.” She lifted her head, her cheeks still red, and now I was close to her, I could see her eyes were red too, like she’d been crying. “Please don’t judge me. I have never done that before.” She then shook her head, as if she thought she was an idiot. “Of course I haven’t. I only have one ex, and this is the first time we’ve seen each other since he left me. I just mean I don’t hook up with men at parties.”
Her face flushed brighter, and I said, “Evie. I stayed with a woman who attacked me on a regular basis for a year. I'm not in a place to judge anyone. And I know you don’t hook up with randoms. I’m not judging you. I was just surprised.”
“Me too,” she said with a sigh, then she leaned sideways, her head resting against the wall. “It was the last thing I was expecting.”
I wanted to ask her how they’d got there. But there was no good way to ask that without sounding like a nosy twat.
“It was the emotion,” she said quietly. “He told me that he’s been seeing a counsellor because he wasn’t happy with his relationship, which he then ended, and the counsellor suggested that maybe he and I needed to talk. Clear the air. And we did. We talked, but it’s still so hard for me, Ash, to talk about our past. I feel like talking to him was the right thing to do, and it has helped, but it… it went too far.”
“Do you regret it?”
She thought for a moment, then said, “I probably should. But the reality is, our relationship died the same day our baby died. I wouldn’t let him touch me. I know that’s wrong. I should have got help for myself sooner because I pushed him away in so many ways. But my point is, we never really ended our marriage. It just stopped. It probably sounds stupid, but I think maybe we both just needed that. To say goodbye.”
It didn’t sound stupid to me at all. Not in that situation. It sounded to me like Evie and Jay had loved each other a lot, and even if that was over, perhaps sex equalled closure for them.
If it was just going to be one time.
“You’re not… getting back together?” I asked carefully, trying to keep my voice steady.
“Absolutely not.” Evie straightened up, pushing her hair from her face. “I won’t be seeing him again now. He’s going back to Scotland in a couple of days. So, we basically wished each other well, and that was that.”
I wasn’t sure why that made me so relieved. I think it was because, if they had got back together, it might have been a step backwards for her. And she’d slowly been moving forwards. Learning to live on her own. She’d never led me to believe that Jay had held her back from doing anything, just that married life made her grow up quickly, but she seemed to have changed even from the time I’d met her up until then. Like she was starting to lose some of her fears. If she re-entered a relationship right then, especially with someone she’d already been with, maybe some of that would go away again.
“Okay,” I said. “Do you want to go get a drink?”
She nodded, pushing herself up to stand. “I really do.” As I stood up too, she paused and said, “Are you okay?”
She couldn’t possibly have noticed that weird feeling I’d had when I first realised what she’d just done, right?
“Yeah,” I said with a small cough. “Fine. Why?”
She shook her head. “It’s just you were out here on your own.” Then guilt crossed her features. “I’m sorry I was gone for so long. If you want to leave, we can.”
“I wasn’t trying to leave,” I assured her. “Natalie sent me a Happy New Year text and I needed a breather.”
Evie’s eyes widened. “Wow. Did you answer?”
“Nope. Deleted and blocked her number. New Year, new start.”
She smiled. “Sounds good to me!”
Nine Weeks Later
“Happy freaking birthday to me.”
The two lines stared up at me from the stick I’d peed on a few minutes ago. I was still holding it, leaning against the sink, my eyes unmoving.
I was pretty sure my body had gone into some kind of shock, because this… this couldn’t be right.
Of course it is. The signs were there. Missed period. Feelings of nausea and a couple of days throwing up in the mornings. Thumping headaches.
A tear dripped onto my hand. My trembling hand.
This was not the thirtieth birthday present I’d wanted. And, sure, I could have let it wait for one more day, but I’d been putting it off for a week as it was.
Shit. People were going to be expecting me to drink later, and now I couldn’t. What would I tell them?
Seriously. That’s your first thought? My mind mocked me, but there were so many things racing through my mind,
one of them had to come out first.
Ash was the only person who knew what happened between Jay and me on New Year’s Eve. And if he hadn’t seen me coming out of the bedroom, I wouldn’t have told anyone. It was nobody’s business.
I closed my eyes, remembering that night. God, connecting with him again had been so goddamn emotional, and so good, but it wasn’t the way it used to be. All the feelings we’d shared were old feelings, like a fondness for someone you used to care deeply for. It wasn’t as if we were trying to re-kindle something, it was like we were letting it go, and it had been amazing, but it was the end.
Until it wasn’t.
I took one last look at the stick before throwing it into the bin and washing my hands.
What I wanted to do was blow off my birthday plans and hibernate until I’d figured out what I was going to do. What I had to do was shower and get ready because Ash was coming over in a couple of hours.
Ash had moved into his own flat a few weeks ago, in Stockport, not too far from my house. He’d also quit his old job in Manchester and got another job in a bar in Stockport, and started writing for a music blog. It wasn’t a major publication, but it was a first step for him in reviewing bands, and it paid. He’d bought a second hand laptop from Nick so he could work, and although his furniture was still minimal in his new place, he had everything he needed and was enjoying getting new stuff whenever he could. His confidence wasn’t as high as it could have been, but it was better. He wasn’t as jumpy anymore. I no longer had to ask permission before giving him a hug, and he wasn’t as hesitant of touching me. We’d grown close in the time he’d lived with me and I couldn’t deny that I missed him being in the house. However, he needed his own place. He needed to prove to himself that he could stand on his own two feet again and I was proud of him for doing so.
I turned on the shower, waiting for it to warm up before I took off my clothes and stepped under the spray.
Ash and I were supposed to be going ice skating in Manchester. It was something else on my to-do list, and his, and then we were going to go somewhere for lunch before hanging out at mine for a while and then going out for dinner with my mum, Keely and Nick at one of my favourite restaurants. I didn’t feel like doing any of it anymore.
My body moved on auto-pilot as I soaped myself up then washed my hair. It was like my brain couldn’t work out what to do with this new information. I could feel myself panicking deep inside, but on the surface, all I was thinking about was how to get through this one day.
Once I was dressed, hair dry and some make-up on to cover my pale skin and the fact that I’d been crying, I went downstairs to the kitchen. I’d already had some coffee and… Christ. I’d have to give up coffee again.
Pretty sure I could still eat bacon though, so I grabbed some from the fridge and put it in the frying pan. While I waited for it to cook, I buttered some bread, and then I cast my eyes over my kitchen table. There was a pile of birthday cards waiting for me from friends, family, and clients. I was planning to open them while I waited for Ash, but what the hell was I celebrating now?
I. Was. Pregnant.
At thirty.
Pregnant and alone.
Not alone alone. I had good friends and my mum, but… as a parent living with a child, I would be alone.
What the hell was I going to tell Jay? ‘Hey, remember that quickie we had at New Year? Well, now I’m carrying your baby. Again. Okay, bye!’
I wasn’t sure what I did from the time I finished eating to the time Ash knocked on the door, but I guessed since there were no dishes lying around anywhere, I’d washed up and put everything away. I didn’t have much memory of doing so, though.
Ash had a huge smile on his face when I opened the door. In his hands, he carried a huge silver helium balloon with the number thirty on it in pink, and a gift bag which I could see was full of wrapped presents and a card.
He’d made so much effort. He’d even had a bit of a haircut and his beard was shaved closer to his face.
When his eyes fell on me, the smile dropped. “Evie, what’s wrong?”
“I… I don’t… I can’t…”
Ash stepped inside, closing the door behind him and placing the weighted balloon and bag down in the hallway.
My chest hurt, and I placed my hands over it, trying to take in some breaths to slow my racing pulse. Ash wrapped his arms around me and held me against him.
“Turning thirty isn’t that bad, is it?” he asked, and in spite of everything, I chuckled.
“It’s not supposed to be,” I mumbled against his chest, holding onto him tightly. “But somehow, it is.”
“That’s not what’s wrong though,” he said, his chin resting on my head, reading me so accurately. “So, what is it?”
“I don’t think I can say it,” I told him. “Not yet.”
Carefully, he pushed me back a little so he could look at me, concern in his eyes. “Evie, what’s happened? Talk to me.”
I nodded. “I will. I just… I need a minute.”
“Okay.” Ash gave me a small smile. “Can I say Happy Birthday now?”
Again, I chuckled. “You can.”
He turned around and picked up the balloon and gift bag and handed them to me. “Happy Birthday, Evie.”
“Thank you.”
I took them from him and we went into the living room and sat down on the sofa. I placed the gifts down on the floor again, but I couldn’t stop looking at that balloon. It bobbed up and down, the number thirty dancing in front of my eyes.
Thirty-year-old single mum.
Fuck.
Ash looked around the room. “How come you don’t have any cards up yet?”
“I haven’t opened anything yet. I was going to but…” I don’t seem to be able to focus on anything.
“Evie, please,” the worry in his voice drawing my gaze to him. “Tell me what’s happening.”
“I’m pregnant.”
I said the words quickly, my mind still rejecting them, still refusing to let them sink in properly.
Ash’s mouth dropped open. No words came out, he just stared at me.
Great. I’d passed on my inability to create a sentence to him.
“This is… I don’t know what it is,” he said, blinking rapidly.
“Yeah. Me neither.”
Seeming to get a grip of himself, he reached over for my hand. “I… Are you happy?”
Happy.
I hadn’t thought about whether I was happy, but I certainly hadn’t felt anything even close to happiness.
What I had felt was intense fear before I tried to shut it down and get on with my day. But since Ash had asked the question, I had to find a way to explain that.
I shook my head as another tear slipped down my cheek. “No,” I told him, my voice breaking. “Am I a terrible person?”
Ash shook his head. “No. Not at all.”
Although he said the words I needed to hear, his face displayed confusion. And there was no way he could possibly understand, not really. This was too complicated even for me, and I was the one dealing with it.
He squeezed my hand tighter, and I turned mine over, linking our fingers.
“We were careful,” I said. “That night with Jay. We were careful. This shouldn’t be possible.”
“Well, you know… nothing is one hundred percent safe.”
I nodded. “I know, but…” I trailed off, shaking my head. “I don’t know what to do.”
“You don’t have to make any decisions now, Evie. You can only be, what, eight weeks or so? You have some time to think.”
I looked up at him again, and I could see the slight flutter of his long-sleeved top at his chest, letting me know his heart was beating hard. I placed my other hand on top of his and stroked my thumb across it. “I’m scared, Ash. I’m so scared.”
He shuffled closer to me and pulled me into him, his arms tight around me. “It’s okay, Evie. Everything will be okay.”
I didn’t think
it would be, and my tears turned into huge, shuddering sobs as I let fear take over.
“Ash, I can’t… I can’t go through what I went through last time. I can’t be pregnant. What if it happens again? What if I have a miscarriage early on, or something goes wrong during the pregnancy like before? What if I get all the way through and then the baby doesn’t make it after it’s born? I can’t do this. I don’t want to go through it again.”
“Ssh,” Ash said softly, still crushing me against him, making me feel safe at a time when I felt anything but. “You don’t know anything bad will happen. This time will be different.”
“You can’t promise that. You don’t know.” I shook my head against his chest, my tears soaking into his t-shirt. “It’s too much of a risk. I never wanted this!”
“Evie, calm down.” He let go of me and cupped my face in his hands, brushing my tears away with his thumbs. “You have to calm down, okay? Getting this worked up isn’t going to help anything. So… remember what you said to me before? Take some long, slow breaths.”
He breathed in deeply, his eyes on mine, and I nodded, joining him and getting myself under control.
I could see the deep breathing had helped him too. Since the first night we met, I didn’t think he’d ever seen me have a complete meltdown, and it had probably shaken him as much as it had me. A few minutes ago, he’d looked as terrified as I felt, but now he too looked calmer. In my head, I was far from over my panic, but I knew I had to get myself together.
“Ash… just for today, would it be okay if we pretend this isn’t happening?”
“That depends,” he said, watching me closely. “On whether you promise to only hide from it today.”
His blue eyes were intense, and I realised we’d reached the point in our friendship where I could no longer hide anything from him. Not that I ever did, but if I’d wanted to, I couldn’t have.
As much as I knew about Ash and his past, he knew the same about me. And he’d learned that one of my biggest problems was trying to run from anything that might hurt me.
“I’ll talk about it tonight, after we’ve been out to eat,” I told him, with a confidence I didn’t feel fully. I hoped by then I might have had a bit of time for my mind to clear so I could explain how I felt properly.
