by Kyra Lennon
Wow. Four weeks in prison. No hair dye. No getting her nails done. No clubbing.
“I really thought she would just go on probation,” I said, leaning back in my chair.
“I think everyone did.”
“How did she take it?”
“As you’d expect. She played the apologetic part very well, but when the verdict was given, the mask slipped when she started kicking at the police as she was taken away.”
I wasn’t surprised at all.
“There is one more thing,” Dermot said.
“What is it?” I asked nervously.
“Natalie’s parents approached me once it was over. They asked if they would be able to get your contact information.” My blood ran cold. What the hell for? They hated me. “Of course, I told them I couldn’t give out that information without your permission. So, they gave me their information instead. They said they would like to either see you while they’re in Manchester, or speak to you on the phone. They want to apologise for their daughter’s behaviour.”
I barked out a laugh. “Thanks, but no thanks. There’s nothing they could say that I want to hear. They always treated me as if I was bad for her. I don’t believe they want to apologise at all.”
“They did seem mortified when they heard everything she did, so I think they were being genuine, but I can understand why you wouldn’t want to speak to them. I will dispose of their contact details.”
“Thank you. And thank you for everything you’ve done for me.”
“You’re welcome. This was a great result for both of us. I only hope you can move on from all of this now.”
“I think I will be able to. Now I’m away from Manchester, moving on is a lot easier.”
“I’m pleased to hear it.” For the first time, I thought I could hear a smile in his tone. “Good luck with everything, Ash, and if you need anything in the future, don’t hesitate to call.”
“Thank you,” I said again.
We said our goodbyes and I ended the call, still staring at the screen. I couldn’t believe the outcome had been so good. Dermot Walsh was damn good at his job.
Standing up, needing to move, I scrolled through my contacts to find Evie’s number and gave her a call. I’d already pressed the button before I realised she would be working. I always tried not to call her between nine and five, just in case she was with clients, or already on the phone.
I was about to hang up again but she answered right away. “Hey, Ash.”
The brightness in her voice sounded a bit forced, letting me know she still wasn’t okay. I would have called her later, regardless of whether I had news for her. Maybe I should have called that morning, just to check on her, but I didn’t want to hound her. Even when I’d been at my lowest, she’d never bothered me. She’d called every day, but only once, unless I let her know I needed to talk more. I wanted to do the same for her.
“Hey. How are you doing?” I asked.
“Urgh,” she groaned. “I’m okay, I guess. Any word on the hearing?”
“Yes!” I couldn’t keep the happiness out of my tone. “She got four weeks in jail, followed by a year on probation.”
There was a pause. “Not long enough,” Evie said. “Not for what she did to you. But it is more than expected.”
“I think she deserves more than that too, but since I thought she would get nothing, I’m okay with it.”
“Good. I’m glad to hear she didn’t get away with what she did.”
It all seemed like so long ago. In reality, it was only around three months ago when Natalie had come home drunk and I’d wanted my life to end. So much had changed in such a short time. I had re-located, got two new jobs I loved, and I had some friends. Of course, Evie was the closest, but I’d hung out with Nick once or twice, and Evie and I had been to his and Keely’s house a few times too. It was more than I’d had in a long time, and it made so much difference.
“So, really,” I said. “How are you?”
I began pacing the room as I waited for her answer. After a while, she said, “I went to see my doctor today. I wanted to get checked over and arrange an appointment at the hospital for a scan. I should get a letter through in a few days, so until then, I have to wait.”
“Have you told anyone else yet?”
“Not yet. But I have made some decisions.” She sighed. “I’m not going to tell Jay until after the first scan. I’ve thought about it a lot. I hardly slept last night. But I don’t want to tell him anything until I’m certain the baby is okay. It’s bad enough that I have to worry about it, but I don’t think he needs to as well.”
I wondered for a moment how I felt about that. If Natalie was pregnant… urgh. I actually shuddered at the idea. But if she was and she didn’t tell me right away, how would I feel?
It was a different situation though. Evie actually liked her ex. Even if she didn’t love him anymore, I could understand why she wanted to spare him any possible stress.
“What about your mum?” I asked.
“Same as Jay. I will tell her once I know if the baby is fine, but after I tell Jay. I think that’s fair.”
Seemed fair to me.
“And I’m going to tell Keely… soon,” she went on. “I can’t go to the scan on my own, so I have to tell her. I need her with me.”
Something jabbed at me when she said that. Not that I didn’t think Keely should be there with her, I’d just hoped maybe she would let me be there for her too.
“Yeah,” I said. “Good idea. She’ll want to be there with you.”
There was a short pause, then Evie said, “Ash?”
“Yeah?”
“That doesn’t mean I don’t need you too.”
Her reassurance made me want to sigh like a lovesick schoolboy. Instead, I said, “I’ll always be here for you, Evie.”
Three weeks later
It was as if my entire life had been on hold until this moment. Scan day at the hospital. The moment of truth.
My appointment was at eleven a.m., but I was in the hospital waiting room at ten-thirty, my bladder full because I’d been instructed that it somehow made the reading easier, and I was walking up and down in front of a row of blue plastic chairs. I was sure I was making everyone else who was waiting nervous, but I couldn’t stop.
Keely and Ash had watched me for five minutes before eventually, Keely grabbed my wrist and pulled me onto the chair beside her. “For the love of God, sit still!” she hissed, and I heard Ash try to stifle a laugh at her tone.
It wasn’t the time for laughing, though. I mean, under different circumstances, I probably would have seen the humour, but I wasn’t in the right frame of mind. Also, when she’d moved me that fast, I’d almost wet my pants, but she was right. I did need to sit down. And I knew she was as anxious as I was.
I started tapping my feet on the floor, trying to distract myself from needing to pee and what was about to happen.
I’d done a really good job of blocking it out for the last couple of weeks. Well, as much as I could in between throwing up every morning, and feeling like I wanted to eat everything in my house, including the actual kitchen cupboards, for the rest of the day.
When I’d told Keely I was pregnant, she had reacted very differently to Ash. Firstly, she was shocked I’d slept with Jay. In her house. At her party. But after that, she was kind of… cautiously excited. I’d expected her to be more cautious, like me. Instead, she started talking about letting me have some of Oscar or Daisy’s baby clothes as she still had Oscar’s and Daisy would be out of hers by the time my baby was born.
I was far from thinking about any of that yet. I was trying to take each thing a step at a time.
Ash had been amazing. He’d been supportive and hadn’t made me talk about the upcoming scan. The few times I’d wanted to, he’d listened, but when I didn’t want to, he didn’t push me. I was starting to wonder what I’d done without him in my life. That wasn’t to say Keely hadn’t been helpful, just that her optimism was mor
e than I could deal with. I appreciated it, I just wasn’t ready to believe it yet.
“Evangeline West?”
I jumped at the sound of my name, and my mouth went dry. The sonographer was waiting for me to make myself known, and Keely nudged me.
“Yeah,” I said, forcing the word out through my parched lips. “I’m here.”
Keely and Ash stood up, and I did too, trying to keep my composure as we walked towards the room that would seal my fate. Where I’d find out if my baby was okay.
The stupid thing was, this wasn’t even where everything had gone wrong last time. The twelve and twenty weeks scans were good. No signs of any problems. So, as much as I had been saying I would feel better once this scan was done, that wasn’t strictly true. But it was a starting point.
Once we were inside the room, the sonographer, an older lady with kind blue eyes, smiled and said, “Hi, Evangeline. I’m Debbie.”
I nodded and shook her hand. “Please, call me Evie.” I introduced her to Keely and Ash, and she greeted them with another bright smile.
“Okay, Evie. If you could hop up onto the couch and loosen your jeans and lift up your top, we can get started.”
Ash paled a little. “Maybe I should wait outside.”
I rested my hand on his arm, but couldn’t help laughing. “It’s okay. I only have to pull down my jeans a bit, and the same with my top. I won’t be flashing anything, I swear.”
His cheeks reddened as quickly as they’d paled, and he nodded.
I looked over to where I was supposed to sit, seeing all of the equipment waiting for me, and without warning, a wave of dizziness hit me and I couldn’t breathe. I leaned back against Ash and he grabbed me around the waist, holding me up. Both Keely and Debbie rushed towards me.
I hadn’t lost consciousness and I knew I wasn’t going to, I was just knocked off my feet by the fear that suddenly gripped me, and I turned around in Ash’s arms, holding onto him, tears falling from my eyes.
“I can’t,” I said. “I can’t do this.”
“Yes, you can,” Ash said softly, and I felt Keely and Debbie backing away. “You can do this. We’re here with you whatever happens, okay? We’ve got you.”
I nodded against him, but I couldn’t seem to stop my tears. It was as if holding everything in for so long had led to the dam finally bursting. I’d spent more time crying into Ash’s t-shirts than doing anything else lately, and I peeled myself away from him, trying to pull myself together, and Debbie said, “Evie, is there something you’re worried about?”
I opened my mouth but no words came out. I glanced at Keely and nodded. There was no way I would be able to explain.
“Erm,” she began, her own voice clogged with emotion, “a couple of years ago, Evie had a late miscarriage. I think it’s technically considered a still birth, but, anyway, she’s… she’s worried it’ll happen again.”
Debbie gave me an understanding smile and took my hand. “This is more common than you might think,” she said softly. “And while I wish I could promise you this pregnancy will be perfect, what I can tell you is that if anything happens, we will do all we can to support you.”
I nodded. “Thank you.”
“Now, do you think you’re ready?”
I nodded again, and with tears still falling down my cheeks, I let Debbie lead me to the couch and I got up, unbuttoning my jeans and lifting up my top. When I was settled, Keely and Ash came to stand at my side, both of them taking hold of my hand while Debbie rubbed the cold gel stuff over my already slightly swollen belly.
I was visibly trembling, but I tried to take some deep breaths.
“Okay,” Debbie said, moving the monitor closer and picking up the scanner thing. “Let’s take a look.”
For a while, she rubbed across my stomach very slowly, then pressed down a little harder and rubbed again. For the longest time, nothing happened, and tears rained down my cheeks as I held my breath. Tension came from my friends in waves, and then the sound came.
A heartbeat.
The breath I was holding came out of me in a rush, and the tension dissipated, turning into excitement from Keely and Ash, and I finally cast my eyes to the monitor. Honestly, there wasn’t much to see, but the sound of the heartbeat pounded in my ears, and relief shot through me.
Debbie pulled the monitor closer again, a slight frown on her face as she looked carefully. Her hand kept moving around on my stomach.
Just like that, the relief was gone and panic took me again.
“What is it?” I asked. “What’s wrong?”
My body felt stiff while I waited for her to speak. “Listen,” she said after a moment. “Can you hear that?”
“The heartbeat? Of course.”
She shook her head. “Listen again.”
I did, and Keely let out a surprised laugh beside me, just as I realised what was happening.
The heartbeat sounded too fast, but… it wasn’t.
“It’s twins,” Debbie said. She pointed to the monitor, and I knew she was still talking but now, as well as the sound of the hearts beating, I just heard her words over and over.
It’s twins.
Twins?
This had to be a joke. Or a mistake. But as I stared at the monitor, to where Debbie was pointing, I could see she wasn’t wrong. There were two tiny babies right there.
I looked up at Keely and Ash, with what felt like a look of absolute shock on my face.
Tears rolled down Keely’s cheeks as she smiled at me. “Two babies,” she said, laughing. “This is incredible.”
Ash looked a little choked up too, but he smiled and said, “Congratulations.”
I flicked my head back to look at Debbie again, and she too was grinning. “Evie, I know this is a lot to take in, but this is a really good thing. You have two healthy babies growing in there. You look to be around nine to ten weeks, but twins typically don’t wait out the full nine months.”
“I got pregnant on New Year’s Eve, if that helps,” I said, still a bit spaced out.
“Okay,” she said. She took a moment to do the calculations. “In that case, your babies are due towards the end of September. But realistically, it will be a little earlier than that.”
Debbie ran through some things with me, letting me know that I’d need extra scans now I was having two babies instead of one, to check on their growth, and I also spoke to a doctor to make sure my own health was up to scratch.
The appointment only lasted about twenty minutes, but it felt like forever. I was in a total daze as I listened to everything I was being told, and Debbie had also given me some leaflets about counselling and support groups so I could talk to other people in similar situations if I wanted to. I hoped Keely and Ash were paying attention to everything Debbie had said, as I’d need them to tell me what I’d missed.
When we finally left the room, with me clutching a photo of my scan, I felt like I’d been hit by a truck. I just wanted to lie down and let it all sink in.
However, Keely had other ideas, and she gave me a tight hug, squealing, “Evie, I’m so happy for you!”
“Thanks,” I said, hugging her back. “I need to pee, and then I need some cake.”
Since I couldn’t have a drink for the shock, sugar was the next best thing.
She laughed. “You can have whatever you want.”
Ash had been completely quiet since he heard I was having twins, and I looked up at him. “Are you okay?”
He nodded, giving me a smile. “Just taking everything in.”
He did look somewhat shell-shocked. He definitely wasn’t the only one.
Keely drove us back from the hospital, chatting excitedly, but Evie and I were both pretty quiet. I knew the news hadn’t quite sunk in yet, and it hadn’t for me either. I couldn’t tell if she was happy or even more scared now. I guessed I would talk to her later, as Keely dropped me back at my flat while she and Evie went into town.
I was pretty relieved to get home. To be alone so I coul
d think.
When Debbie had said Evie was having twins, something happened inside me. My gut instinct was happiness. Happiness that Evie would get to be a mum to two children. But seconds later, that turned into the realisation that there was no way she would want to do that alone. She had been brought up by a single mum, and knew how much of a struggle it could be. I wasn’t sure if her own experiences had been anything like mine, but I remembered not being able to have all the newest toys, or clothes, or games because my mum couldn’t afford it. She worked her fingers to the bone for everything we had, and I was grateful for everything I got because I knew what it had cost her, not in just money, but in time working, not being at home or doing anything for herself.
Maybe that was why she wanted her own life now. Why she’d moved to Spain where she had no responsibilities apart from getting a tan.
I didn’t think for a second that Evie couldn’t handle it. Being a single mum. She could. What I did think was that she would doubt herself, and that was scary. What if she felt like she had to be with Jay again? What if they got back together, re-married, had more children?
The idea made me want to throw up.
But maybe that was the right thing. Jay was the father, after all. They knew each other. They loved each other once. Perhaps that was how things were supposed to be. This could be their second chance.
I threw myself down on the sofa with a sigh.
I had to stop those thoughts. Even if she didn’t get back with Jay, there wasn’t a chance in hell that she’d want to be with me. Too young, too broken, too useless. I’d fucked up when she first told me she was pregnant by saying the wrong thing. What if I just kept on doing that?
She deserved more than me.
You’re useless. Worthless. I deserve better than you.
I closed my eyes, trying to get Natalie’s voice out of my head. No matter how many counselling sessions I went to, she still always managed to find a way in. It happened less, mostly only when I was already feeling bad. But in those times, she was loud and the memories were strong.
I remembered all the things I’d done that made her tell me I was no good.
