by Kyra Lennon
And if I wasn’t good enough for her, then I definitely wasn’t good enough for Evie.
When Keely and I were settled in our favourite cake shop—Keely wanted to take advantage of the fact that her mum was babysitting by staying out a little longer than planned—with the biggest slices of Victoria sponge available, and cups of tea, I was just about ready to speak.
“So, that was… interesting.”
Keely nodded, staring at me. “Yeah. You could say that.”
I looked down at my cake, picking up my fork and carefully cutting off a piece before looking up at Keely again. “I still don’t know what to say.”
She nodded slowly. “Yeah. It was a shock, that’s for sure. But, you haven’t really said how you feel.”
“I’m still working on that.” I pushed the piece of cake around my plate. “Honestly, I haven’t known how I feel since the second I found out I was pregnant. It’s a whole jumble of things. And most of them are scary.”
Keely reached over for my hand, I think more to stop me messing around with my food than anything. “Of course it’s scary. But it’s also incredible. Evie, you get to have a family now.”
“Maybe. Or maybe I will lose it all like before.”
“You can’t think like that. I get that it’s hard, but you have to try and be positive here. You have to take care of yourself, and that means getting those bad thoughts out of your head. You can’t be stressed out for the next six months. That really won’t do you any good.”
“I know.” I sighed, trying to muster up some level of emotion, but I couldn’t find any. Before, I’d told Ash I didn’t want to get too attached to my baby, just in case the worst happened, but maybe I’d done too good a job of that, because now I just felt numb to it all. As much as I didn’t want to suffer, I equally didn’t want to be wandering around completely vacant through my pregnancy. “There’s so much to think about now. I have to think about the extra cost, and how Jay is going to react. And Mum. God knows what she’s going to say.”
Keely laughed. “She’ll say, ‘Evie, I warned you about hanging around that young man, didn’t I?’”
Her accurate impression of my mother’s voice broke through my bubble, and I burst out laughing too. “I’m going to have to be careful how I explain it to her, aren’t I? She’s going to assume they’re Ash’s babies otherwise.”
Keely picked up her teaspoon to stir her tea. “I think, if he had his way, they would be his babies.”
Her words made me pause. “What do you mean?”
“Evie, you can’t be that blind.” She took a sip of her tea then carefully placed it down before speaking again. “That boy adores you. You can’t see it?”
Shaking my head, I said, “No. We’re close, but he doesn’t see me that way.”
“Did he tell you that?”
“No, of course not. I just figured, with me being older and-”
“Will you stop with that?” She let out an exasperated sigh. “Nobody cares about that. The gap isn’t that big. Not big enough to bother him or anyone else. Evie, he was worried sick about you today. Didn’t you notice how quiet he was most of the time?”
I did notice. But I’d thought he was just trying to keep me calm, and after the scan, I guessed he was surprised by the outcome.
“And the way he held you and calmed you down when you flipped out?”
I remembered the feeling of safety I got when he’d held me tight against him, talking to me softly. I loved that he was tall and stocky and made me feel protected. I always felt safe with him.
I shrugged. “He’s a good friend.”
“Evie, he likes you. More than likes you. And if I were to guess, I’d say you feel the same.”
The warmth spreading across my cheeks gave her an answer. I’d always been useless at hiding things from her. Though, it wasn’t so much that I was hiding it, I was just trying to figure it out.
She arched her eyebrows knowingly.
“Keely, that’s not…” I began. “Ash is lovely, and thoughtful, and sweet, but he isn’t interested in me. Did you see his last girlfriend?”
“Yeah, I saw her picture in the paper when she got sent to jail,” she said dryly. “What’s your point?”
“That’s his type. She’s all make-up and hair, and I’m…” I looked down at the old pair of jeans I’d put on, and the simple khaki top I was wearing. I could feel bits of my hair hanging around my face, and I’d only bothered to put on a bit of foundation before I left the house because I knew I’d cry off anything I put on. “I’m a mess.”
“You look great, and you always do,” Keely said. “And even if you didn’t, Ash doesn’t strike me as being that shallow.”
I snorted out a laugh. “That’s not the point. Even if there was something between us, now is not the time. He’s still trying to get his life back on track, and he doesn’t need some old pregnant lady holding him back. He deserves to be with someone fun. Someone he can have a good time with, and right now, and for a really long time, I can’t be that person.”
Saying the words made me realise how true they were. I was good at lying to myself about my feelings, but Ash was making that more and more difficult all the time. What I’d said to Keely was true, though. He’d had enough drama in his life. If I wasn’t pregnant, if he was ready to even think about being in a relationship, maybe things would have been different. But they weren’t. I was having babies, and he was trying to get back on his feet. If he wanted to be with someone, it had to be someone in the same place as him. Someone he could go and see bands with, and take on fun dates, with no ties keeping her at home.
I couldn’t be that person. Not anymore.
It was a week and a half before I finally plucked up the courage to call Jay. He’d, obviously, been surprised to hear from me, and even more surprised when I asked if I could go up and see him. I was relieved he didn’t ask why, because there was no way I could tell him on the phone. In some ways, that would have been easier, but it felt cowardly to me. Like taking the easy way out. This news was life-changing, and it needed more than a call.
I’d made sure all of my work was up to date by the Friday of the following week, when he finally had some time, so my weekend was free. I planned to drive up to Scotland on Saturday morning, stay the night in a hotel, and drive back on Sunday morning. I didn’t want to do it all in one day, and I doubted talking to Jay would be a quick thing. It made more sense to stay over.
Once I was done with my morning vomiting routine—something that still wasn’t quite over with yet, although it was easing—I threw my bag in my car and was about to get in when I saw Ash walking down the street towards me.
It was ten in the morning, and he’d been at work the night before. He looked exhausted. His beard was a bit wilder than usual, and his eyes were slightly red. Even so, he still looked pretty good to me and my tense muscles relaxed at the sight of him
“Hey,” I said. “What are you doing here?”
He gave me an awkward smile and shrug. “I wanted to wish you luck for today.”
Tilting my head, I said, “You could have just sent a text.”
“I know. But I also know this is going to be hard for you, so I wanted to say it in person.”
Am I too old to swoon?
Since Keely had offered her opinion on Ash’s feelings towards me, and mine towards him, I’d thought about it a lot.
She wasn’t wrong. At least, not about me. What had started off as a friendship had turned into a best friendship, and then an attraction. Ash McKay was the kindest man I’d ever met. He made me laugh on the days when I didn’t think I could, and he was always there for me. I felt more and more for him every time I saw him, but that didn’t change the facts.
And those facts were that he needed someone with a lot less crazy in their life, and I needed to focus on taking care of myself. Being pregnant was taking a lot out of me, especially emotionally, although the sickness wasn’t helping either. Every morning, I woke up afraid
that that would be the day disaster struck, and every morning, I had to give myself a pep talk. I’d started to talk to my babies when I woke up, and before I went to bed, and that had helped with the bonding, but I was still always on edge. I couldn’t bring that much stress into his life.
Looking at him, though, standing in front of me, seeming a bit nervous, but still making the effort on what he knew would be a difficult day, I couldn’t help wishing things were different.
I still didn’t regret what happened on New Year’s Eve with Jay. I did wish things were less complicated though.
“Thank you,” I said, giving him a small smile. “I appreciate it. Especially when you should be asleep.”
He shrugged. “I couldn’t sleep last night.”
“Everything okay?”
When he only shrugged again, I took a small step closer to him. “Ash, what’s going on?”
I swear I saw his arm move, like he was going to reach out for me, but it was only the slightest movement and I could have been wrong. Something was definitely bothering him though.
“I’m just worried about you,” he said after a while. “It’s a long drive and I know talking to Jay will be hard for you.”
The look on his face seemed like more than worry, but I couldn’t work out what else it might be. Either way, the fact that he was so concerned made me step into him and give him a hug.
“I’ll be okay,” I told him as his arms circled around my back. Like I’d done so many times when he hugged me, I rested my head against his chest and breathed him in. He smelled like last night’s deodorant, and laundry detergent. Even though he hadn’t showered yet, he still smelled clean and familiar. “If you want, I can call you later. When it’s all over.”
“That would be good. But also, text me when you get there so I know you’re safe.”
I closed my eyes, taking another deep inhale of him. “I will. I promise.” To shift the conversation, I said, “What are you doing today?”
“Mostly, trying to sleep,” he replied as I stepped away from him. “I’m not working tonight, so I’ll probably stay home.”
He’d made some friends at work, and he’d even been out once with some of them, but he still mostly preferred to stay in. I was glad he was getting out more. Before, especially when he was staying with me, he never went anywhere, hardly even into town on his own. He’d come a long way, but I had the feeling he was staying in purposely to be around for me, and he didn’t need to do that.
But I couldn’t say so in case I was wrong and sounded arrogant.
“Well,” I said, “try not to waste the day, okay? Go do something fun. Pretty sure Nick’s home today so you could always go over there for a while.”
He nodded, his first real smile crossing his face. “Yeah, maybe I will later. As long as I won’t be in the way of family time.”
“You won’t. Keely’s taking the kids to a birthday party, so you should be fine.”
“Okay. I’ll text him later.”
As I looked up at him, I wished I didn’t have to go. I wished I could spend some time with him and not have to face Jay. Unfortunately, that wasn’t an option.
I had to go.
As if he’d heard my thought, Ash said, “Go. Drive carefully.”
I smiled. “I will.”
He gave a long heavy sigh. “Talk to you later. I hope everything goes well.”
Before I could answer, he’d turned, stuffing his hands into his jeans pockets, and walking away.
I severely underestimated how tiring it would be to drive to Edinburgh. With a stop on the way, I didn’t get there until four o’clock and what I really wanted to do when I’d checked into the hotel was go to sleep for a couple of hours. But I knew Jay was waiting for me to tell him when I’d arrived, so he could come and meet me. After putting my bags into the room and avoiding sitting on the inviting bed, I sent him a text to let him know I’d arrived. Once he said he was on his way, I used the time to go into the bathroom and freshen up. Being stuck in a car for so long had made me feel sluggish and gross, so I had a quick wash and changed my clothes.
I’d agonised over what clothes to bring as if I was going on a first date. I didn’t want Jay to take one look at me and know what I was going to say before I could say it. I was bigger, but not by a whole lot, considering how much I was eating. I think the nervous energy I was living on burned more calories than I’d consumed. I’d eventually settled for a pair of black jeans, with a black and white top made of floaty material that didn’t cling to me.
Once I was ready, I grabbed my bag and key card and went down to the bar to wait for Jay.
I’d never more wished I could have a drink. I found a seat at the back of the room, in the corner, where there was a large comfortable sofa with a table in front of it. The bar wasn’t busy at that time, and even if it got busier, at least we would be tucked out of the way of most people.
While, I waited, I sent Ash a text to let him know I’d arrived. I hoped he had found something to do, instead of waiting around for me to message him. He answered within a couple of minutes.
Ash: Glad you got there safely. I’m at Nick’s watching football but I’m going home as soon as its over. Call me when you can x
I smiled, and text back to tell him I would. With that done, I looked around the room. It was the same hotel chain I’d stayed in the first time I met Ash, and it was decorated exactly the same. I hadn’t thought about that when I booked it, but at least it felt familiar.
It was only a few minutes later when Jay arrived, and when I saw him, reality crashed back around me.
It was really time.
He approached, fidgeting with the sleeves of his blue shirt. I wasn’t sure what he thought I was going to say, but I was positive he’d never have guessed the truth.
I stood up as he reached me.
“Hi, Evie,” he said as I stepped out from behind the table.
“Hi.”
We looked at each other kind of awkwardly, unsure what to do, and after a moment, I stepped forward to give him a hug. He looked like he needed it, and I definitely did too.
As I had my arms around him, something weird happened.
I felt different.
When I’d seen him at New Year, even though I wasn’t in love with him anymore, I still felt a pull to him. A pull to try and find a way to patch up all the holes we’d left unstitched when he moved out. But it had been done now. And all I felt was a fondness for someone I used to be close to.
So very different to how I felt when Ash’s arms were around me…
I tried to push that thought away for long enough to do what I needed to do. That was something I’d need to think about later. I could only ride one emotional rollercoaster at a time.
“Let me get the drinks,” Jay said, “and then we can talk. What would you like?”
“Just an orange juice, please.”
Jay nodded and walked to the bar. In the time he was gone, I tried to get comfortable on my seat, which suddenly felt like it was made of rock. I didn’t think anything would feel comfortable until this was over.
I had no speech planned. No idea exactly what I would say, and no clue how the conversation would go. I was winging it all the way.
As Jay returned, I saw him letting out a breath, telling me he was as nervous as me. He placed the drinks on the table and sat down.
“So,” he said, “what brings you all the way up here?”
I recognised the tone as him trying to sound casual when he really wasn’t feeling that way at all. His eyes were on me, and I couldn’t quite meet his gaze.
I really should have written down some notes before I set off on my journey.
The truth was, there was only one thing I had to say. I could have dressed it up, but when it came down to it, there were only two words that mattered.
Finally, I looked into his eyes, swallowing hard before speaking. “I’m pregnant.”
His eyes widened, his whole body stiffening. “What
did you say?”
“I’m pregnant, Jay.”
He blinked rapidly for a moment, looking like I’d short-circuited his brain with my words. “I don’t… I… what?”
I bit my lip to stop myself laughing, because this wasn’t funny. Not at all. But the tension had my emotions all over the place. Straightening my expression, I said, “You remember New Year’s Eve, right?”
Jay nodded slowly. “Of course I remember, but… we were careful.”
“Yeah. That’s what I kept saying when I found out too. But…” I paused and reached for my bag, pulling out an envelope and sliding it across the table towards him. “Take a look.”
He picked it up with shaky hands and pulled out the photo from my scan. His eyes misted over, and mine did too. I could see so much in his eyes. Shock, fear, memories. As he stared at the picture, he said, “You had your first scan already?”
I winced slightly. “I wanted to make sure everything was okay before I told you. And… there’s still one more thing.”
“What?” he asked, shaking his head. “You’re gonna tell me it’s twins next?”
Again, I laughed, and this time I didn’t try to stop it. When I nodded, his hand flew up to his mouth.
“Evie, are you messing me with me?” he said after a moment of staring at me again.
I shuffled closer to him. “One baby.” I pointed at the photo, then moved my finger along. “Two babies.”
His jaw dropped and then he reached forward with his free hand and downed half of his bottle of beer before placing it down on the table.
“And,” he stuttered, “everything is okay? They’re both okay?”
I swallowed down the emotions clogging my throat. “Yeah. They’re okay.”
Jay leaned back in his seat, his eyes still wide and moving from the photo to me. “Shit, Evie. I don’t know… I don’t know what to say.”
“Take all the time you need. I’m here all night, so, if you want to take a walk and let it sink in, I’ll be here.”
He shook his head. “I don’t want to walk. I’m… I’ll be okay, it’s just… this wasn’t what I was expecting.”
