by Helen Conrad
“In the meantime.” She turned so that her naked body was pressed against the length of his.
He began to kiss her again, her lips, her chin, the line of her neck. He touched her, letting his fingers trace her nipples, test the depth of her navel, slide down between her legs to gather up her warmth, and she arched into his touch, filling his hand with her secrets, filling his mind with wonder at her.
Brief thoughts of Ellen surfaced for a moment. Carly was so different, so warm, so responsive. To Ellen, sex was something to be endured. To Carly...
“Joe,” she was whispering, her hand skimming down across his body, reaching for him. Her eyes widened as his mouth closed on her breast, teasing the nipple hard and high. She moaned his name and he knew she was already eager for him again. But it was all right. His arousal was just as swift, and he wanted her again just as wildly as he had wanted her only moments before.
She was so sweet, so hot, so incredibly good, he was almost afraid he might not be able to stop for air. God, but he felt good with her. If only it could last. But he knew better than to hope for miracles.
There was one thing that was nagging at him. She deserved to know the truth about her father. But not right now. He couldn’t face doing anything to kill the mood they’d established between them. He’d tell her tomorrow.
Tomorrow, for sure.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
MADLY IN LOVE
Carly lay in her bed and stared into the darkness. She was completely, dizzyingly, insanely, in love with Joe. She’d never been so happy and so miserable at the same time before in her life.
This was it. The real thing. There was no need to go off and think things over, to be alone to work things out, to get her head together, or a thousand other excuses she’d made for putting off making the decision about Mark. In this case, the decision had been made for her. She was in love.
Love hurts. For the first time in her life she understood that old refrain. Because this wasn’t an easy love, where they both agreed and wedding bells were being polished. She knew without being told the Joe wasn’t about to ask her to marry him. He’d tried that before and it had gone so stunningly badly for him that he was determined never to let himself be that vulnerable to a woman again.
He’d never said all this in so many words, but she knew it as surely as she knew he was the only man she would ever feel this way about. Ellen had dealt him a wound he would never recover from.
He wanted her. She knew that. He made love to her like a man possessed by a demon. And it seemed, at least, that he enjoyed having her around. But he would get over it when she left. And he assumed she would leave pretty soon.
Leaving was the last thing she wanted to do. But how long could she stay, knowing there was no future for her here? She would have to leave. She would have to leave before they all got too dependent on her, just as Joe had said.
It made her ache to think of leaving Beth and Jeremy. How could she be sure they would be all right? She couldn’t count on Phyllis. She had her own agenda, and the children didn’t seem to have a very big part in it. Joe would do the best he could, but he was a father. They needed a mother, too. And if he wasn’t going to consider marrying again, they would never have one.
The least she could do was go to see the teachers and find out if there was anything she could do to help there. She would do that first thing the next morning, she decided as sleep began to drag her under. The very first thing.
Of course, there were about ten other things she had to get out of the way before she could think about going to see the teachers, things like breakfast and taking some supplies up to Phyllis and finding Beth’s lost hair ribbon. Joe was up and out early, riding off on his stallion to check on the avocado crop that was about to be harvested, and he came back in while the children were eating.
Looking up quickly from the toast she was buttering, she met his gaze, her heart standing still.
He glanced at her as though nothing had happened the night before. “Good morning,” he said, but his greeting was directed mainly at his children. He bent to kiss them each and give them a hug. “You two be good today.”
“We will, Daddy,” Beth chirped. “Carly’s going to come in and see us at school.”
“What?” He rose and turned to look at her questioningly.
She gave him a nervous smile. “I’m going in to see the teachers this morning,” she said. “Is that all right with you?”
She knew her look was probably challenging, but he didn’t test it. A few minutes later, he did draw her aside so that they could talk without the children hearing. When he looked down at her, his eyes were cool, emotionless, and she couldn’t tell what he was thinking.
“I’ve got to take some samples in to the testing lab in Bakersfield today and see a few other people,” he said. “I’ve got a couple of other appointments too, so it could take a while. I probably won’t be back until late tonight.” He hesitated. “Go see the teachers if you want to,” he added quietly. “You can take the car, I’m using the truck.” He paused, looked at her with a frown. “Just don’t go signing my kids up for some rehabilitation program or something.”
Carly felt cold, unappreciated. He could have been talking to a hired housekeeper. But that was just about what she was, wasn’t it? Did he remember what had happened the night before? Or had it all been a dream on her part?
“Don’t worry,” she said a bit resentfully. “I’m not going to do anything like that. I couldn’t do that without your authorization anyway. They’re not my children.”
“No.” His face hardened. “Remember that. They’re not your children.”
She felt properly rebuffed but that wasn’t going to stop her. If he wanted to pretend there was nothing between them, that was his business. She wasn’t going to whine and whimper about it. At least, not where he could see her.
He came down a little later, after the children had gone, dressed in a white shirt, tie and business suit. Carly stared. She’d never seen him like this before, and he looked darned good. Just before he went out the door, he turned and looked at her.
“Drive carefully,” she said, wishing they could get back the free and easy feeling they sometimes had between them.
“I will.” He hesitated, then erased the distance between them and kissed her, hard. “The only thing I’m reckless about is you,” he said. And then he was gone.
She touched her fingertips to her lips, holding the feel of him for as long as she could. If this was reckless, she’d throw her lot in with the daredevils any day.
The school was new and modern, the colors bright and inviting. Beth turned and waved at Carly as she slipped into the back of the classroom, her face radiant. Every time she got a chance, she turned in her seat and grinned. Carly’s heart was warmed, but she felt a sense of pain as well. This poor little girl. How she must long for a real mother.
A few minutes later, the teacher let the children leave for recess and came over to sit by Carly.
“Beth is a dear,” said Mrs. Green, her young, enthusiastic face beaming. “I love having her. The only problem—and I think I wrote to her father about it-is the daydreaming. There are times when I think it’s going to take a nuclear blast to get her attention.”
“But her schoolwork is good?”
“Oh yes. She does her work and gets things in on time. It’s just the dreaming that bothers me. I believe in confronting reality without the crutch of make-believe. Do you know what I mean? I like to get the children to engage life, take it on, make things happen.”
All in all, the teacher seemed to be committed and determined to get the best out of the children. Carly promised to talk with Beth about the daydreaming. She thanked the teacher and went out into the play yard to get a look at Beth and her friends. What she saw immediately disturbed her.
Beth was walking with Sunny, but there was a group of girls following them, calling out something. As Carly got closer, she realized they were yelling insults at Beth.
“Where did you get your shoes, Beth? The five-and-dime?”
“No, Beth knows a little cobbler who lives in the woods.”
The girls all giggled.
“That’s probably the same old man who made her dress. He made it for a giant, didn’t he, Beth? And then he gave it to you instead.”
Carly’s first impulse was to stride out and yell at the miserable little snobs. They were hurting Beth, and that was insufferable. But she held herself back. She remembered enough from childhood to know that having a grown-up run in to the rescue could make things even worse for Beth.
But what was wrong with those girls? Why were they being so cruel? She’d heard kids nowadays were much more concerned with fashion and wearing the right thing than they had ever been before, but this was ridiculous.
And then she began to look at Beth, and it dawned on her why they were doing this to her. Her clothes really were terrible.
How could she have lived with the girl for over a week and not thought to remedy the situation? The dress was a size too big, the shoes looked like they might have belonged to Little Orphan Annie. Beth was a neglected child as far as style went. She did look like a waif from the woods.
Carly gritted her teeth, castigating herself as an insensitive lout. How could she have let Beth go off to school looking like that? It was all very well to say the other girls shouldn’t be so concerned with outward appearances and surely shouldn’t make fun of someone who seemed to be less fortunate than themselves, but that was the way things were. And Beth had been set up to be an outcast.
She turned away quickly before Beth could see that she’d witnessed the scene, and glanced at her watch. She and Beth had a shopping trip coming up. She’d just decided. But first, she had one more appointment to take care of.
Jeremy was watching for her, and when she came into the room he got up from his desk, despite a sharp command from the teacher, and ran to her. She gave him a warm hug and sent him back to his seat and then sat down to watch Mrs. Emind, Jeremy’s teacher. What she saw was not reassuring.
Mrs. Emind gave the class some busywork and came back to talk to Carly. Sallow and pinched-looking, with the face of a woman who has known bitter defeat, she read off a list of Jeremy’s transgressions.
“He never pays attention. His homework is fine, but his class work is often wrong. He’s sullen and refuses to respond to questions during oral recitation. He plays by himself on the playground.”
It went on and on, and Carly had to restrain herself from beginning to challenge the charges the teacher was making. This was not the Jeremy she knew. She had to think that there was something very wrong in the chemistry between Jeremy and this woman. That, compounded by the hearing problem, could be the entire ball game as far as success in school went.
She brought up her hearing theory to Mrs. Emind, who dismissed it out of hand.
“He’s been tested. I can show you his folder. He’s had all the tests and there is nothing wrong with his hearing. He’s just an uncooperative child.”
And you, Carly thought as she said goodbye, are just a stupid woman. There was no give, no sense of any sort of appreciation for who Jeremy was. Luckily, Jeremy had only a few weeks left before summer.
I hope you can hold out, baby, she thought as she hugged him goodbye. I wish I could just whisk you away.
And she did whisk Beth away. She told Mrs. Green exactly what she was doing, and the teacher beamed, agreeing that it was for the best.
“Where are we going?” Beth asked as they left the school hand in hand.
“It’s a surprise,” Carly told her mysteriously. “You just wait and see.”
She’d paid attention at the school and she thought she had a pretty good idea of what was currently cool for little girls. They found the mall and stormed the clothing stores, buying T-shirts and lace shorts, a peasant blouse with an elastic midriff, leggings and name-brand skirts and jumpers and canvas shoes and little ruffled socks, and an organdy dress to die for.
Beth was wonderful to buy for. Her eyes were as round as saucers and she oohed and aahed over everything. Carly felt like Santa Claus. It was so much fun to make someone so happy. And it was so amazingly easy to accomplish.
Once they’d filled the car with bags of clothing, they went to lunch in a little tearoom, ordering watercress and cucumber sandwiches and finger food. They drank tea from porcelain cups and crooked their little fingers, just for fun. They talked and laughed, and on the way home Beth fell asleep in the car. Carly looked at her, love swelling inside her. It was going to break her heart to leave this little one behind.
They unpacked the car and Carly left Beth to look over her purchases. She had another project to complete before she left the valley. She and Millie had to have one last talk.
She drove Joe’s car over to Millie’s, pulling up next to the corral when she noticed the horses out. Millie took one look at who was driving and Carly could see the panic on her face. Somehow, she knew what Carly had come for. She knew, and she couldn’t face it.
Swinging up on a big palomino, she reined the horse through the gate and took off for the hills.
“Millie!” Carly got out of the car and stared after her, shading her eyes. This was ridiculous. They had to get this over with. It was a little late in the day for hide-and-seek.
She looked at the other horses. There were two, a solemn gray mare and a skittish brown gelding named Skippy, the same horse she’d ridden a few days before when Joe had shown her the mustangs. She looked out again at where Millie was disappearing through the trees. She was pretty sure she knew where she was going. With a sigh, she stuck her car keys in the pocket of her slacks and reached for a saddle. If she was going to do this thing, she might as well get going.
But finally she was up on Skippy’s back, heading him toward the lake where Millie had told her she went when she was troubled. And sure enough, as they came over the rise, there she was, standing near her tethered horse, gazing out at the distant water.
“There’s no point in running, Millie,” she called out as she approached. “I think I’ve got the picture pretty well filled in by now.”
Millie stood frozen, staring at the view. She didn’t turn around as Carly swung down from the horse and came toward her.
“Tell me if I’m off the mark,” she said softly, standing just behind Millie. “You were the reason my mother left my father, weren’t you? The man who fathered Trevor was the same man who fathered me. Am I right?”
Millie sank to the ground. “Oh God,” she moaned, burying her head in her arms. “I didn’t want you to know.”
“I can understand why,” Carly went on, unable to keep the bitterness out of her voice. She lowered herself carefully to sit beside Millie on the rocky ground, then went on.
“You had an affair with the preacher at the church where you were a singer in the choir. Am I still warm? A married preacher. A married preacher with a child. You, Millie, of all people.”
Millie looked up, tears in her eyes, her voice shaking. “I tried to explain to you how it happened. But I have no excuses. It was wrong, and I know it. I’ve paid for what I did. My mother paid. Trevor has paid.”
Carly nodded slowly. “I imagine even my father has paid. Where is he, by the way?”
She shook her head, a picture of abject misery. “I have no idea.”
Carly sat beside her silently for a moment, thinking that over. Her father. Instead of coming in clearer, he was becoming more of a shadow figure to her all the time. “How much did he know?”
“You mean, about Trevor?” She shook her head. “He didn’t know a thing. I never told him.”
There was that saving grace at least. If he had known about her pregnancy and abandoned her, there would be no way Carly could ever forgive him. Still, there were other things left to hold against him. Not the least of which was betraying his family the way he did.
“Well, tell me, Millie,” she said, forcing herself to remain calm and
logical. “How did the two of you get discovered? How did my mother find out?”
Millie’s eyes, when she turned them toward Carly, were haunted, but Carly wasn’t in the mood to feel much pity right now. What pity she did feel was for her mother, and for the little girl who lost a father over this.
“She... she walked in on us.” Millie dabbed at her nose. “We were in his office.”
“His office at church?” She tried to keep the revulsion out of her voice, but she wasn’t entirely successful.
Millie nodded miserably. “Yes. It was the most awful day of my life.” She turned, trying to explain. “It had all seemed so romantic up to that day. It was exciting, thrilling. His wife...your mother...didn’t even seem real to me. And then, there she was, and it all fell apart in an instant. I never knew what shame was until that moment. The shame I felt—“
“The shame you felt was nothing compared to the pain my mother felt.” Carly had never hated her father before, but she had a sudden feeling that she might be able to develop a really thriving detestation with a little effort. “It’s unbelievable,” she said softly.
“Yes.” Millie’s head came up. “You’re right. When I look back at it now, it’s unbelievable.”
“Did you know my mother at all?”
“No. Not really. She only came to the service on Sunday. She hardly ever showed up for choir practice or Bible study or any of the other functions.”
Functions where Millie obviously thrived. Carly closed her eyes for a moment, then turned to look at the woman. “My mother was a really great person-funny, supportive, loving. She was a terrific mother. I think she was probably a pretty good wife, too.”
Millie reached toward her, then let her hand drop. “Carly, I’m sure she was.”
Carly frowned, searching her own soul, trying to see the father she hardly knew. “But how...how could he do that to her?”
“Please, Carly. Don’t blame him.” Her voice broke. “Blame me. It was my fault. I tempted him and he couldn’t resist. It….we loved each other. I know that’s hard for you to accept, but it’s true. And it was to save me that he left town. He was everything good, Carly. Please believe that.”
