by Helen Conrad
They didn’t speak for a few moments, each staring out at the sparkling water with her own thoughts. “What are you going to do?” Millie asked at last.
“Do?” Carly turned to look at her.
Millie’s face was filled with dread. “Are you going to tell Trevor?”
“It’s not my place to tell Trevor. Although he is my brother.” That was a soaring thought amid all this sordidness. She had a brother.
She rose slowly to her feet and looked toward where she’d left the horse. He was still there. Funny. The way her life was going, she’d half expected him to have run off on her.
“I think you ought to let Trevor know that Joe isn’t his father,” she said shortly. “Other than that, it’s up to you what you tell him and what you leave out. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve finally found out what I wanted to know.”
She turned without another word and went to the horse. A part of her felt pity for Millie, but she wasn’t ready to express it yet. That would have to wait for another day.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
SHOULD SHE STAY OR SHOULD SHE GO?
“Good night, Carly.” Beth scrunched down under her covers and smiled. In what had become a nightly ritual, her little arms shot out and captured Carly around the neck. “I love you, Carly,” she said softly, giggling at the same time.
“I love you, too, darling.” She gave the little girl a kiss and turned off her light. “Sleep tight.”
Jeremy was already asleep. She watched him for a moment, then leaned down to kiss his cheek, and he surprised her, turning with his eyes wide open.
“’Night,” he said. .
“Good night, sweetheart.” She went through with the kiss and was surprised when she felt his arms come around her, just as Beth’s did every night. He only held her for a few seconds, but it was enough to bring tears to her eyes.
“Love you, Jeremy,” she whispered. She wanted to take him up and hold him, but she knew that would be too much at this point.
And yet, for the first time, he answered her.
“Love you, Carly,” he whispered back.
Smiling through tears, she turned off his light and went out, closing his door. And then she let the tears fall. How was she going to leave these children?
Phyllis had already gone up to her room, so she was alone, waiting for Joe to come back from Bakersfield. She had a few things she wanted to say to him. Turning off all the lights but one, she sank onto the couch and began her vigil. She could wait all night if she had to.
Sitting in the semi-darkness, staring into the void, her mind kept going over the same things again and again, like replaying a movie, a movie she hated, a movie she had never wanted to see in the first place. She thought she was hardened to it, but little by little her shell began to crack and then tears were coming again, until she was shaking and great, gulping sobs of grief were wracking her body. Grief for her mother, grief for her father, grief for Trevor... and grief for herself.
It took awhile before she could calm herself. She heard Joe’s truck drive up and she closed her eyes. She had no idea what she was going to say to him. There was anger inside her. Was it really directed at him? Yes. Why hadn’t he told her the truth?
Joe walked in, threw down his briefcase and sample bag, and looked at her. One glance at her face told him the story, even in the gloom. He loosened his tie and pulled it off, unbuttoning the shirt halfway down his chest, before he said a word to her.
“So...what now, fair lady? Have you uncovered all the secrets that you came to find?” He came into the room and sat on the couch beside her. “Have you found yourself? Do you know who you are and where you’re going?”
She looked at him without smiling. “Do you know that about yourself?” she asked softly.
“Yes. Yes, I do. I’m staying right here and raising lemons and avocados and two children. And that’s my life.”
“That’s all you want?”
He shrugged and met her crystal eyes with his own dark gaze. They both knew what else he wanted.
She moved impatiently. “I wish you’d told me from the beginning. About my father, I mean. I could have saved myself a little time.”
“And gotten back to Mark sooner?” He said it with suppressed bitterness that made it sound colder than he had meant.
She looked up, surprised. “Mark? No. I called Mark the other day and told him it was over.”
He didn’t say anything for a long moment. It shocked him how much he cared. It made him angry, too. He shouldn’t care this much, not about her, not about whether or not she ended up with Mark or anyone else.
“I see,” he said at last. “Is that the way you usually get rid of old lovers? Just a phone call?”
She raised both eyebrows, accepting his lunge and offering a parry of her own. “At least I tell the truth as soon as I know it.”
He winced. She had reason to be angry at him and he knew it. “Carly, I didn’t really know anything until several days after you got here.” That was true, as far as it went. But he had known things he should have told her. And now he was sorry he’d remained silent. “I’ve told you again and again, they weren’t my secrets and I didn’t feel like I could tell you.”
She stared at him and he had the feeling she wasn’t buying his excuses. Well, he deserved that. He hadn’t done anything much to inspire confidence.
“Millie told me that you helped her back when the others wanted her to get an abortion,” she said carefully. “That sounds like you knew quite a bit, quite early, to me.”
He frowned, thinking back. “Oh sure, I remember that. She was pregnant, but I didn’t know who the father was. I assumed it was some jerk from school or something. I didn’t really want to know. It was none of my business.” He moved uncomfortably. “I mean, if she’d been raped or mistreated or anything like that, I would have found the guy and beat him up or something. But she made it very clear, as I remember, that it was nothing like that. So... well, she was a friend, and she was in trouble, so I helped her. Simple as that. I stood by her.”
Carly’s gaze didn’t falter. She sat, waiting for him to go on, and he found himself spilling his guts like he hadn’t thought he was capable of.
“A fat lot of good that did, when you come right down to it,” he admitted candidly. “I stood by her and then waved bye-bye as I took off for college. I hardly ever thought about her again until I moved back here with Ellen. By then Trevor was—what?—about five years old. And I just ignored the background he’d come out of.”
Carly nodded, but she had another question. “Didn’t you ever wonder who the father was?”
He shook his head. “Tell you the truth, Carly, I never really gave it a whole lot of thought. What difference did it mate? She didn’t marry the guy, so who cared?”
Carly gazed at him in astonishment. Men. They could be so practical, so down-to-earth... and so bloody thickheaded. She closed her eyes and put her head back, trying to accept everything that was being offered her, trying to assimilate it without drowning in unpleasant truths she didn’t want to face.
And there were plenty of those. Had it all been worthwhile, coming here and finding out? She wasn’t sure. She wasn’t sure at all if she would do it all over again, given the chance.
“Joe, I can hardly stand it,” she whispered, curling up in her corner of the couch as though that would somehow protect her. “My father had an affair with Millie. She was sixteen years old.”
He nodded, reaching out to put his hand on her shoulder. “Yeah. Pretty heavy stuff, huh?”
She looked small and vulnerable. He wanted to take her up and hold her and not let anything bad happen to her again, ever. He moved closer to her on the couch.
“I’m sorry, Carly,” he said softly. “I’m really sorry. But there’s nothing you can do about it now.”
She nodded. That was true. But she had to work her way through this mess somehow.
“Are you still going to look for him?” Joe asked.
She curled her lip in disgust. “For him? What for? I hate him now.”
He reached for her, taking her in his arms. “Don’t hate him, Carly.”
“How can I not hate him? Look at what he did. He ruined so many lives, just because he couldn’t resist a little temptation.”
Their eyes met and they both remembered the night before, how temptation had reared up between them, how easily they had succumbed to its tantalizing song.
“But we didn’t hurt anybody,” Carly protested, as though the thought had been stated aloud.
“You’re right,” he agreed, tangling his fingers in her hair. “But, Carly, I have to tell you, from what my mother told me, your parents’ marriage was pretty rocky before Millie entered the picture. You’ve got to throw that into the equation.”
She shook her head, not accepting that. “They always say that about situations like this. How do you know it’s true?”
“Supposedly your mother filed for divorce about a year before this incident, and then withdrew the request a few weeks later. That doesn’t sound like wedded bliss to me.”
Carly frowned. “How do you know?”
“Phyllis told me. But you could probably check it. It should be a matter of public record.’’
She nodded. “Phyllis seems to know everything,” she said softly.
“From what she told me, she was directly involved in a lot of it. After all, she was the one who urged Millie to join the choir. Then she watched in horror as Millie and your father fell in love.”
“Did she tell you that?”
“More or less. She told me taking Millie to church was the worst mistake of her life. And once she realized what was going on, she’d tried everything she could to put a stop to it. But by then it was too late.” He laughed shortly. “Her last-ditch effort was telling your mother about it. At the time, she had no idea Millie was pregnant. By the time the pregnancy was discovered, both you and your mother and, soon after, your father, had left town.”
“Millie said Phyllis and her mother tried to make her get an abortion.”
He nodded. “She was determined to keep the child. That I remember.”
She shivered and he held her closer.
“Come on,” he whispered into her hair. “Let’s go to bed,”
She looked up into his eyes and he bent to kiss her softly on the lips. “Your bed or mine?” she asked innocently.
He laughed. “You read my mind. I’m not going to let you sleep alone tonight.”
She didn’t want to sleep alone. It was heaven in his big, fluffy bed, holding his hard body with her own. She seemed to be aware of sensations now as she never had been before—the coolness of the sheets, the scent of soap from his bath, the scrape of his callused hands on her skin, the heat that rose from his body. He was whispering something in her ear. She hardly heard the words. The tone was enough; caressing, loving, arousing, and she writhed as his hands began to explore her, looking for something he might have missed before.
His lovemaking was becoming a drug, a need, an obsession. Her body cried out for more, her mind was fogged with desire. With him, she felt like a dancer in a long, filmy dress, all dazzle and flow and leaping and contact, a smooth, sliding touch, a gasp, a whirl. His palm rubbing her nipple sent electricity quivering through her and she writhed, aching for more. He took her slowly, softly, gently, still whispering magic words that made her feel like an object of solemn, reverent passion at the same time that she felt like a creature of wicked pleasure.
And then he was spreading her legs and rubbing, rubbing, until she thought she would go mad with need for him. He came in just as she cried out, reaching for him with both hands, her eyes open and wild and demanding. The reverence was gone. What they had between them now was hot and erotic, hunger meeting hunger, body feeding body, pure fusion, a merging that sizzled and threatened to melt the two of them together in a bond as old as time itself.
“Joe,” she moaned. “Joe, never leave me.”
“Never,” he declared huskily into her ear. “I’ll always be with you, Carly.”
Liar, she thought a moment later as she lay beside him, still breathless from their wild flight. But it was a nice thought.
“Can I show Daddy my new clothes?” Beth’s face shone.
Carly smiled at her. “Sure. Why don’t you put on a fashion show while he eats breakfast? It’s still early enough.”
“Okay.” She ran off to begin dressing, and Carly went on with the breakfast preparations, humming while she worked. She was up early, earlier even than Joe for once. There was a glow inside her. She could feel it. This, she told herself, was the good side of love.
“Whatcha cooking? Smells great’’
Joe came up behind her and, since no one else was in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around her from behind and buried his face in her neck.
“But you smell better,” he breathed and began to nibble. “Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t eat you up right now.”
She laughed, leaning back into him, luxuriating in his strength, his warmth. “You should always save dessert for later,” she counseled wisely. “Besides, didn’t they ever tell you that you can’t have your cake and eat it too?”
She turned to smile at him and see what kind of smart-aleck retort he would make to that, but before he had a chance Beth could be heard clattering down the stairs, and they drew apart quickly.
“Daddy!” She peeked around the doorjamb, not coming all the way into the kitchen. “Sit down and get ready for your big surprise,” she commanded. “I’m going to give you a fashion show.”
“A fashion show.” He looked questioningly at Carly. “What kind of fashion show?”
Beth giggled. “A great fashion show. Sit down and wait.”
Carly laughed at her and smiled at Joe. “I’ll go see how preparations are coming for the big event. She might need a little help coordinating things. I’ll be right back and serve you breakfast.”
He looked around the kitchen, all modern male and helpful. “If the food’s ready, I can serve my own breakfast,” he called after her. “I’m not helpless, you know.”
She knew. Did she ever. “I’ll be right back.”
When she returned, he was sitting down to a plate full of scrambled eggs and sausages. “Ready?” she asked him.
He looked up. “Shoot,” he said recklessly.
“Okay.” Carly took up a position beside the doorway. “For your viewing entertainment,” she intoned in an announcer voice, “Miss Beth Carrington presents—ta da!—the Good...”
Beth appeared in the doorway, as cute as a button in a baby blue smocked dress with a lace collar and an underskirt. She whirled, peeking to see her father’s reaction, giggled and fled.
“Now if our audience will be patient,” Carly continued, “our model is so fabulously perfect for these clothes, she is the only one we could possibly have modeling them, so it will take her a moment to change.”
Joe still looked puzzled. “Where did she get these things?” he asked.
“The Fashion Fairy,” Carly told him. “Just sit back and appreciate your daughter. She could use a lot of applause.”
“Yeah, I guess we all could,” he muttered, but he didn’t look pleased.
Beth was back in a flash, coughing decorously outside the door, and Carly announced, “And now we have progressed to the Bad...”
Beth dashed in and pretended to boogie in hot pink, tight lace leggings and a tiny cropped top. Throwing a flirtatious look over her shoulder, she exited again, screaming as she ran for another change.
Carly glanced at Joe to see what he thought of his daughter now, but his face, once Beth had left the room, was impassive, and he didn’t meet her gaze. Shrugging, she turned to get ready for the reappearance of the miniature model.
Back in mere moments, Beth whispered loudly, “I’m ready.”
And Carly said ponderously, “You’ve seen the Good. You’ve experienced the Bad. Now, prepare to endure—the
Ugly!”
Beth slunk in wearing sunglasses and designer jeans with factory-made holes burned into the knees, and a huge T-shirt that looked as though someone had taken a blowtorch to the area where hems ought to be.
Carly laughed. The girl looked so cute. She looked to see how Joe was taking it, and to her surprise, his smile looked forced.
“That’s great, Beth,” he started, but she held up a hand, shaking her head.
“Wait, Daddy. Just one more.”
He didn’t say anything while she was gone. He went back to eating, but Carly was beginning to get nervous. Something was wrong. She just wished she knew what it was.
“Here I am,” Beth announced, and then she walked in, a vision in white organdy, white stockings, and black patent-leather Mary Janes.
“Hey, Beth.” Joe put down his fork for this one, his eyes shining with appreciation despite his reservations. “You look beautiful, honey.”
Beth’s pride radiated from every pore. “Thanks, Daddy,” she said proudly, her head high. “Carly bought me all these clothes. Isn’t she great?”
She ran to her father and kissed him, then ran out to change into what she was going to wear to school.
Carly turned apprehensively to look at Joe. His face was darkening. A storm cloud was brewing. What now?
His eyes met hers and he frowned. “What the hell is this all about?” he said fiercely.
She blinked. “What do you mean?”
“What are you doing, buying all these clothes? I didn’t ask you to give her a fancy wardrobe. That wasn’t part of your job.”
Overreaction, that was what it was. But she wasn’t really sure why. Maybe if she just explained...
“Joe, I went to her school. You should have seen her. The other girls were making fun of her. She looked like a refugee. I could see right away that she needed new clothes in order to fit in.”
He threw down his napkin and scraped back his chair, his face hard and angry. “Clothes don’t mean a thing. Only shallow people are hung up on fashion. I won’t have my daughter thinking things like that are important.”
