With Abandon: With or Without, Book 4

by J. L. Langley

  The hollow ache in his chest strangled Aubrey. He was already used to seeing Matt’s exuberance. After standing, Aubrey did the only thing he could think of at the moment. He went after his mate.

  Matt tossed the ruined rolls in the trash.

  Aubrey caught his shoulder and made Matt face him. He lifted Matt’s chin, forcing eye contact. “The problem is me, not you. Never forget that. Never.” He slanted his mouth over Matt’s, taking the kiss that he’d wanted to take last night.

  Matt just stood there, his mouth ajar and his arms at his sides. He even stiffened slightly, but Aubrey didn’t relent. Cupping the back of Matt’s head in his hands, Aubrey tried to coax him to return the kiss.

  Outwardly, Matt remained unmoved, but his scent intensified and his breath grew choppy. He squeezed his eyes shut.

  Aubrey caressed the back of Matt’s neck with his fingers. He was close to begging.

  Finally, a soft cry escaped, and Matt kissed back. He tentatively touched his tongue to Aubrey’s, and his hands hovered over Aubrey’s hips.

  Aubrey let his shoulders relax and closed his eyes. The ache in his chest eased as Matt’s resistance shattered. Aubrey’s cock stiffened and his teeth threatened to drop.

  His plan backfired on him.

  He’d meant only to ease Matt’s fear and show Matt that he was desired. But as Matt’s head tilted and his fingers curled into Aubrey’s shirt, there was no turning back. He’d have Matt if it was the last thing he did.

  Whimpering, Matt submitted and allowed Aubrey to lead.

  Aubrey pulled away and stared up at his mate’s bemused face. Matt’s mouth was parted, his red lips shining with saliva. A soft sob puffed across Aubrey’s face, and Matt’s hands trembled at Aubrey’s waist.

  “Gawd, sugar. You’re somethin’.” He grabbed Matt’s hand and placed it over his heart. “Ya make my heart race just bein’ near you. I wont you, Matt.” He used his thumb to trace Matt’s bottom lip and kissed him again.

  Never opening his eyes, Matt stayed there with his palm against Aubrey’s chest and kissed back. He wasn’t demanding, just content to feel and follow. His canines grew, hitting Aubrey’s lip, and Aubrey growled low in his throat. He’d always been an aggressive lover, but something about his mate’s sweet, innocent surrender made him even wilder than normal. He wanted to throw Matt to the floor and ravish him right here on the cold, hard kitchen tile. He tugged Matt closer, slamming their bodies together.

  Matt gasped.

  “Dios mio! That’s hot. Don’t suppose you’d let me join in, would you?”

  Stiffening, Matt blinked open his eyes in surprise, and he lifted his lips from Aubrey’s.

  Motherfucker. Aubrey had completely forgotten Carson was here.

  Matt tried to move away, but Aubrey held tight. He urged Matt’s head down and rested their foreheads together, giving them time to compose themselves. “Let me get rid of him, sugar. We need to talk.” He took a few deep breaths and rubbed Matt’s cheek with his thumb before lowering his voice so only Matt could hear. “Calm down, darlin’. Your canines are peeking out. It’s sexy as hell, but we can’t let Carson see. Go to my room and wait for me.”

  Matt nodded and walked past Aubrey without a word. When the door clicked shut, Aubrey turned his attention to Carson.

  Carson watched him with a lecherous gleam in his eyes. He reached down and blatantly adjusted his cock. “I love how you get that growly tone, and you forget to try and hide your accent when you get turned-on.”

  Catching himself before he snarled, Aubrey arched a brow. “Don’t push it. You’re not my favorite person at the moment.”

  Carson winced, clutched his hands together and pushed them between his knees. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to cause problems with you and Matt. I’d forgotten that you were getting a houseguest. I just didn’t know what to do about Orin.”

  That made two of them. “Call in sick for the rest of today, Monday and Tuesday. That should give me enough time to figure out what the hell to do about this. Don’t talk to Boskie until I get back to you.” Boskie was going to be a problem. Now his behavior in the elevator yesterday made sense. He’d been warning Carson to keep his mouth shut. Boskie was ruthless and if he had it in for Carson—and Aubrey suspected he did, the man didn’t like rejection—it wouldn’t even matter to him that he stood to lose more than Carson if anyone found out. He’d deny everything, and being that he was a married man, everyone would believe him. “Get out of here and stay out of trouble.”

  “Okay.” Carson nodded and stood. Head down, he shuffled to the door. Man, Aubrey was batting a thousand today, but he’d be damned if he tried to unruffle Carson’s feathers.

  Once he’d escorted Carson out and locked the door, he leaned against it and closed his eyes. Time to pay the fiddler. Man, he sure hoped Matt would give him a fair hearing. Not that he deserved it.

  Chapter Five

  Matt closed his eyes and took a deep breath before sinking down in the bathtub. He let the warm bubbly water close around his upper body and head. If not for the cool air on his raised knees, he might’ve been able to forget his whereabouts and lose himself in the cocoon he’d made out of the big garden tub.

  Everything had seemed clear-cut and simple when he’d gotten out of bed. His only worry had been to get his mate to fall for him, but now… Now, he was in way over his head. Too bad he couldn’t wash away his troubles as easily as he’d washed away the flour and cinnamon on his hands.

  Muted thuds came closer and finally stopped. He got the niggling, someone-is-watching-me feeling. His respite was over, but he didn’t want to come up for air. It’d be easy to just stay here until his lungs burned and Aubrey lost patience and went away. Would he go away? Matt didn’t know. At this point he didn’t know anything. No, that wasn’t true. He knew for certain he didn’t want unrequited love and a one-sided relationship. If that was all he could have, it’d be better for them to part ways now. He straightened his legs, pushing his back up the slope of the tub until his head and shoulders were out of the water.

  A warm hand softly wiped away the bubbles from his face as Aubrey chuckled. “I didn’t even know I had bubble bath.”

  Blinking his eyes open, Matt slicked his hair off his forehead. “I found it in the cabinet under the sink.”

  Aubrey nodded and took a seat next to the tub. “I can’t remember the last time I took a bath, much less with bubbles.”

  “Me either. In my household it just pisses everyone else off because you’re wasting time hogging the bathroom.” Matt lifted some suds to his lips and blew. It was an obvious delay tactic, but he didn’t care. He couldn’t look at Aubrey. He was…embarrassed. He knew he shouldn’t be—none of this was his fault—but it didn’t matter. His stomach was tied in knots, and his mind whirled. How pathetic did you have to be to make your mate pretend to be straight to keep you away?

  “I’m sorry, Matt. I should’ve told you.”

  Matt didn’t say anything. If he spoke, his voice would crack and all his insecurities would come spilling out, and dang it, he still had his pride.

  “I owe you an explanation.” Aubrey caught Matt’s chin, tilting his face up. “Look at me, sugar. Tara is the only one who knows. The only one. My family and friends haven’t got a clue. I’ve hidden it all my life, and I’m damned good at hiding it. No one even has an inkling, and that’s the way I need to keep it. I was trying to protect you, not hurt you.”

  “By lying to me? How is that protecting me? If you don’t want me, that’s fine. I can live with that, but I thought you at least wanted us to be close. To be friends. You didn’t have to make me think the reason was because you’re straight.” Oh, way to go, Matthew. Matt jerked his chin out of Aubrey’s grip. So much for pride.

  Aubrey sighed and laid his head sideways on the arm he’d rested along the edge of the tub. “I’ll break your heart,” he whispered almost to himself. He caught Matt’s gaze. A lock of golden hair fell over his left eye. “I’m not worth it. You d
eserve better. I should’ve let you leave yesterday as soon as you got here, but…”

  He looked defeated and sad. Matt couldn’t help but respond. “But what?”

  “But I’m not sure I’m strong enough to let you go.” Aubrey dipped his fingers into the water and swirled them, his attention on them completely. After a few seconds he looked up. “I should let you leave and get on with your life. It’ll be better for you.”

  “Why don’t you let me decide that?”

  “Because I’m your mate and it’s my job to take care of you.” Aubrey said it matter-of-factly. If it hadn’t been for the seriousness of the conversation, it would’ve been funny considering he’d just said he didn’t want a mate.

  “You said you don’t want a mate…or is it just me?”

  Aubrey shook his head. “It’s not you. If I’d wanted a mate…if I could’ve chosen, I don’t think I could’ve chosen better. But I can’t be gay. It’s not possible.”

  “But you are gay.”

  Sighing, Aubrey nodded. “I cain’t…” His voice trailed off, and he stayed quiet for several moments. “Even at sixteen I knew to keep it secret. I told my parents I was going out with friends and drove two hours down to Jacksonville to go to a gay bar. I had to tell my friends I was seeing some girl in Macon so they wouldn’t accidentally call looking for me. By the time I turned eighteen sneaking out of state to pick up men had gotten old. I was sick to death of parading one girlfriend after another in front of my friends and parents. I was going to stop pretending, but then—” He groaned and shook his head. “Keaton comin’ out first pretty much stilled my hand. I knew then that I couldn’t live the way I wonted. Gawd, I was mad at him for that. With that one admission he sealed my fate.” He laughed, but there was no humor in it. It sounded rusty and mocking. He looked up at Matt again. “Now I’m just glad he’s happy. Glad he can love who he wants.”

  “I don’t understand. I’m trying to, but… Why does your brother being gay have anything to do with you?” Matt was even more confused now than before. Aubrey obviously thought this was a major thing. Whatever his reasoning, he believed it. It took a lot of the sting out of what he’d done. Aubrey truly hadn’t wanted to hurt him. Maybe there was a chance for them. Maybe he could make Aubrey see that him being who he was wasn’t a bad thing.

  “Without my brother around to shoulder some of the load, I have to be the one to carry on the Reynolds name, the business, Reynolds Hall, even the pack. My family has such an amazing and proud history.” His voice took on a dreamy, wistful quality. Matt had heard it before when Keaton spoke of his ancestral home. “I can’t be the one who drops the ball. I never asked for the job, but it’s mine and I won’t turn my back on it. I’d always hoped Keaton would take over the pack at least, but it didn’t work out that way. In all fairness, I never should’ve expected it of him in the first place. It’s my responsibility and what I was raised to do.”

  Matt pulled his legs up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, resting his chin on his knees. He understood responsibility and not letting down loved ones.

  A finger ran down his forehead, soothing out the furrow. Matt hadn’t even realized he’d been frowning. Aubrey grinned. “You don’t get it do you, sugar?”

  Matt shook his head. He closed his eyes and laid the side of his head on his knees. His bubbles were disappearing. What a stupid thing to be aware of at such a time. He’d gone goofy.

  Aubrey carded his fingers through Matt’s wet hair. “This is the Deep South, Matt. Men in my world are not tolerant. No one wants to do business and risk millions with a fag. Too many people depend on me making money so they can have a paycheck. Being queer is seen as a weakness. Would you trust millions of dollars to a man you considered weak?”

  “It’s not right. They should see you for your abilities. They’ve done business with you in the past, they know—”

  “They’ve done business with my dad.” Aubrey rubbed Matt’s cheek with his knuckles. “I have to prove myself. It doesn’t matter that I’ve pretty much run the show for the past two years by myself. My dad’s name has been on all documentation. He’s been seen as the front man.” He froze, staring right at Matt. “That’s how things are. That’s how they will always be. Can you deal with it? With me?”

  Matt fully believed that in time people would realize that Aubrey was good at running the company. Eventually he’d be able to stand on his reputation and not the prejudices of others. Could Matt be patient until then? He turned his face into the caress, enjoying the feel of being stroked and petted. He could get used to this. He wanted to get used to this. Would Aubrey always be this affectionate? It gave Matt hope, but— “What about Carson?”

  “What about him?”

  “He’s your…what?”

  “Employee.”

  Matt’s eyebrows shot up in disbelief. Carson was good-looking.

  Aubrey blushed. “We don’t have a relationship.”

  “You’re friends?”

  “Not really, no. I mean, I like Carson just fine, but we don’t hang out or anything like that.” Aubrey sighed. “It was only sex and very infrequently.”

  Matt nodded, hoping Aubrey didn’t spy his hesitancy. “Okay.”

  “Okay? You’re gonna have to be more specific, darlin’.” Pulling his hand away, Aubrey cocked his head to the left, looking lupine. “What does okay mean? Okay, you understand why I didn’t tell you? Okay, you’re not mad ’bout Carson? Or okay you’re gonna stay?”

  If not for the sudden scent of unease, Matt would’ve thought Aubrey didn’t care about the answer. It put Matt on the spot because he didn’t know if he was ready to make this decision. “No more lies?”

  “No more lies.”

  He knew what Aubrey was asking. He wanted Matt to stay and commit to a relationship. A secret relationship. Funny, a few hours ago Matt would’ve jumped at the chance. But now? Matt took a deep breath and tried to push away his worry. A person only had one mate, and you had to give trust to get it in return.

  His face, or perhaps his scent, must have shown his resolve, because Aubrey’s face lit up and he reached for Matt.

  Chuckling, Matt leaned forward, offering his lips as Aubrey’s hand closed over his bare shoulder. Time to seal the deal with a kiss. Yeah, he was corny, but the show of happiness from his mate was encouraging.

  The next thing he knew, Aubrey’s lips were on his. He kissed Matt with as much passion as before when they were in the kitchen, but this was different. It wasn’t coaxing. Aubrey’s tongue dove in and took possession like he had every right.

  Matt’s stomach knotted in a bundle of nerves, but it didn’t stop his cock from getting hard. This kiss was more intense somehow, more real than before. Because you’ve committed yourself fully. For better or worse. He shivered against the desire and leeriness racing through him at that thought.

  It was like Aubrey had flipped an internal switch and decided they’d be together. Even though Matt wanted to be with his mate, he couldn’t just pretend everything was perfect. He needed to talk more. Pulling back, Matt rested his forehead on Aubrey’s shoulder. In the back of his mind, he could practically hear his brother telling him to stop acting like a chick, but he couldn’t help it. He couldn’t separate his feelings like Logan could. He wanted to go into this with his eyes wide open.

  Aubrey wrapped a hand around Matt’s prick.

  Matt nearly jumped out of the water. The touch kinda scared him and not just because he hadn’t noticed Aubrey putting his hand in the water.

  Scooting away, Matt batted at the hand holding him. “Wait!” In his haste to get away he pulled himself off balance and slipped. He landed on his back with a splash.

  “Whoa.” Aubrey scrambled to grab him and help him sit upright.

  A clump of bubbles slid down Matt’s cheek.

  Aubrey sat back and released Matt. “What’s wrong? I thought you said you’d stay.”

  Matt nodded, trying to get his pulse to stop racing. His mind wa
s made up. He just hoped Aubrey would understand. “I’ll stay, and we can try and make this work, but I have a condition. Two actually.”

  “Name your conditions, sugar.”

  “No more lies. You know that one, right?” Rivulets of water ran down Matt’s hair onto his face, but he looked so serious Aubrey didn’t dare smile.

  That was reasonable. Aubrey nodded. Hell, it was expected and didn’t even have to be said again, but for some reason Matt thought it did and that bothered Aubrey. Before he could reassure his mate, Matt rushed on.

  “I don’t want a relationship like my parents’. I can’t live with the constant drama and the lack of trust.” Matt worried his bottom lip and took a big gulping breath before saying, “They hate each other. All they have in common is sex. I swear the only time they aren’t yelling at one another is when they’re in bed. And because of that I think we should take things—you know the physical stuff—slow.”

  No sex? Once Aubrey had made up his mind he was keeping Matt, he’d thought to enjoy the perks that came with being mated. It was the ideal situation. Matt was here under his roof and had a valid excuse to be here. For the next four years no one would question Matt living with him. He hadn’t quite decided what to do after Matt graduated, but he had four years to come up with a solution. Logically, Aubrey’s brain got the abstinence request, but his body was already planning a protest using his erection as a damned picket sign.

  He held back a groan and nodded to his mate. What else could he do? “Okay.”

  “You’re mad, aren’t you?” Matt rested his hand over Aubrey’s arm and bent until he met Aubrey’s gaze. “Please don’t be mad. It’s just a lot to deal with at once, and sex never fixes anything. From what I can tell it makes things more complicated.” Matt shivered and pulled his knees back to his chest, reminding Aubrey how young he was.

  “I’m not mad. And you’re right, sex complicates things.” Damn it. He respected Matt for wanting more out of their mating than what he witnessed growing up. And just maybe they could have what Aubrey’s own parents had, even if it did have to be their secret.