by Nina Levine
“Fuck, Dad... how did this happen? You were doing so much better.” My eyes pleaded with him. I needed something, anything to give me hope this could be fixed. My gut knew, though. Knew this was what always happened, this was just the never-ending cycle of addiction that, once it had you in its grips, would never let you go. Not if you really didn’t want it to.
He hung his head.
Shame bathed his face.
Defeat clothed his body.
The man who’d raised me had vanished and in his place stood this father who I struggled to understand and love. I would always love him deep down, but it was more a reflex emotion. These days, love didn’t come easily...I had to work to love him.
He looked back up at me, his face more ravaged than I’d ever seen. When he finally spoke, he almost gutted me. “Baby, I need help.”
My father had never asked for help.
Never.
Not when my sister had died, not when my mother had cheated on him, not when he’d lost his job and had to take shitty casual jobs to pay his bills, and never for his gambling addiction.
His words pierced my heart and tears pricked my eyes.
Love knocked on my soul and I knew in that moment, I would do anything to help my father.
“How much do you owe?”
His eyes shut and he drew a long breath. Opening them again, he said, “Ten grand.”
My heart dropped into my stomach.
Ten grand.
Where the hell were we gonna come up with that kind of money?
My legs nearly buckled under me so I sat on the couch behind me, rested my elbows on my knees and dropped my head into my hands. This shit was fucked and although my brain scrambled to find a way out for him, it was coming up empty.
Silence filled the room until, eventually, I lifted my head to ask him, “How long have you got to pay it?”
“One week,” he whispered just loud enough for me to hear.
Holy shit.
My heart almost beat out of my chest and fear sliced through me. There was no way we could come up with that kind of money in a week. But I wasn’t the type of woman to stare defeat in the face and throw in the towel without a fight.
I got my shit together and stood. “Leave it with me, Dad. I’ll talk to some people.”
Hope flitted across his face. “Yeah?”
“Yeah. But this only happens if you’re going to admit you have a problem and get some help for it.” I stared hard at him, waiting.
He hesitated for a moment and I stilled. Surely he wouldn’t deny his problem any longer? But then again, my father was a stubborn and proud man, and he’d lived in denial for a long time now.
Relief filled me when he finally spoke. “Yes, I have a problem. I don’t know how or where to get help but I will find it.” The brokenness in his voice told me everything I needed to know. He’d hit rock bottom. And as much as that pained me, it was possibly the best thing for him because now, finally, he would search for a way out.
“Dad, I’m a counsellor. Remember? I’ll find you someone who will help you.”
His eyebrows drew together in a frown. “I thought you only counselled kids.”
“I do, but I know other counsellors.”
Nodding, he murmured, “Okay, Evie, you find me someone and I’ll work with them.” He paused for a moment before adding, “I know I’ve let you down over the years and that I’ve never admitted my addiction... but I need things to change. I want my life back.” His voice cracked and he stole another piece of my heart. We’d all lost so much back then but my father had lost the most.
“I know, Dad. We all want you to have your life back,” I said softly.
His eyes reached deep inside me and he whispered, “Thank you.”
***
I left Dad’s house and drove around in circles for a while, thinking. Wondering where the hell I would find ten grand. Eventually, I found myself on my sister’s doorstep. She answered the door, looking a little bewildered.
“Evie! Come in,” she said, ushering me into her home.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, because she really did seem frazzled.
“I’ll tell you over a drink,” she replied and waved her hand, indicating I should enter.
Julie was two years older than me and lived alone. I hadn’t been to her house in years but it didn’t appear to have changed much. She still had the cream walls she seemed to love, the country style wood furniture I couldn’t stand, but that she adored, and plants scattered everywhere. Her home had that lived-in feel, though, and I loved that.
She took me into her kitchen and offered me coffee. “Have you just finished work now?” she asked, glancing at the clock that read seven thirty.
I shook my head. “No, I finished hours ago but I went to see Dad and have been driving around ever since.”
Her eyes widened. “Shit, that doesn’t sound good. We definitely need coffee for this . . . or perhaps something stronger?”
“Coffee is good, thanks.”
She got her Nespresso going and said, “Spill. Tell me what he’s done now.”
I sighed and sat on one of her bar stools, slumping onto the counter. “He has gotten himself into debt again and has one week to pay back the money. I told him I would help him find it. The good news is that he’s finally realised he needs help.”
My words caused her to still and stare at me in shock. “What the hell will happen if you don’t?”
My heart rate picked up. I’d been working hard not to think about that. “I honestly don’t know but I’m thinking that the kind of person who has ten grand to lend someone to bet with can’t be good news. Especially not if you end up owing him with no way of paying it back.”
“Oh my God,” she muttered as she made the coffee and brought it over to me. Settling herself on a stool, she asked, “Have you got anyone in mind to ask?”
“You’re my first port of call. I figured I’d start with family and work out from there.” I looked at her hopefully but her face told me everything I needed to know. She didn’t have it.
“I’m so sorry, but I’m struggling financially at the moment. That’s actually the reason I was looking so strange when you knocked on the door. I’ve got credit card bills piling up and then today I found out I won’t have a job in a month.”
I reached out my hand to hold hers. Squeezing it, I said, “I’m so sorry. If I can help you at all, I will.”
She sighed. “God, I am such a bitch.”
I frowned. “Why?”
“Because you are such a good human being, and I have treated you like shit since Shelly died.”
Shit, tears threatened to fall at her words. She was right – she had been a bitch, but I figured we’d all coped with Shelly’s death in our own way, and hers was to shut her family out.
When I didn’t respond, she continued, “And now, a week after I make contact after years of shutting you out, you offer to help me in my hour of need.”
My eyes glistened and I smiled at her. “It’s what family is for. Ours might be messed up and all, but maybe we can find a way to put it back together.”
“I think it’ll take some time, Evie,” she warned.
Nodding, I agreed. “Yeah, I know, but if there’s one thing Jeremy’s death has taught me, it’s that we don’t have all the time in the world.”
“And how does forgiveness factor into all that? ‘Cause unless we can all forgive each other, I don’t see anything changing.”
“Forgiveness isn’t for the other person, Julie, it’s for us. It lets us move forward, out of our hate and anger at the other person. And I don’t think it necessarily means you forget. You just choose to move past that bad stuff so you can have more good stuff in your life.”
She raised a brow at me. “Sounds like you’re speaking from experience, little sister?”
“I guess I am. I wouldn’t say I hated Kick after he walked away, but I was so mad at him for giving up on us and it took me a long time to wor
k through those feelings. I realised he didn’t know how bad I was feeling, so the only person it was affecting and hurting was me. That’s when I decided to forgive him, just so I could let those feelings go.”
“And now?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, now that you’ve forgiven him, would you take him back if he asked?”
“Like I said, just because I’ve forgiven doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten. I didn’t go through all that to not learn a lesson there. Unless Kick has changed dramatically in some things, I won’t take him back.”
“The way you’re speaking makes me think he’s trying to get you back. Is he?”
I took a deep breath. “Yeah, he is.”
“I said it to you the other day, I truly think you two were made for each other, Evie. At least give him one more go.”
“I don’t know if my heart can take another round,” I whispered, my heart already hurting at the thought of not giving him another go, but at the same time guarding itself from more hurt.
She drank some of her coffee, and nodded. “I get it. Love’s a scary thing when you’ve been stung before. But you’ve given me another go.”
I smiled. “You’re different. You’re family.”
She leant closer to me. “So is Kick, Evie. Haven’t you worked that out by now?”
Shit, she had a point.
When I left her home an hour later, my thoughts were completely consumed by Kick. How long would it take for him to wear me down? I’d do my best to stick to my guns but I knew if he kept pushing, I’d eventually cave. He’d left soul prints on me. I could never say no to Kick . . . I could never deny the pull his heart had to mine.
***
The next day I dropped by my mum’s house after work to check on her again. I was surprised to see Kick’s brother’s work ute out the front. Braden was a builder and I doubted my mother needed a one.
“Mum,” I yelled out as I entered her house, “why is Braden here?”
“Evie, we’re in the living room. Come and join us,” she yelled back, so I headed in that direction.
A minute later, I came face to face with Kick.
Not Braden.
Kick.
Shit.
“Where’s Braden?” I blurted out.
“What?” Mum asked, clearly confused.
I jerked my thumb in the direction of the driveway. “Braden’s ute is out front. I was wondering where he is.”
Kick had been sitting on the couch opposite Mum, but he stood and came towards me. I tried so hard not to let my gaze drop to his body, but it was impossible, and a second later I found myself checking out his fitted tee and the muscles straining under it.
Shit.
Eyes up, Evie. Stop looking.
It was useless.
My eyes kept wandering down his body, soaking in the sexiness that was Kick Hanson.
He chuckled and dipped his head so our faces were centimetres apart. “It’s all yours, baby, you just say the word,” he said, his deep voice causing an explosion of need in me.
Shit.
I placed my hand on his chest and tried to push him away, but, just like the last time, his body didn’t budge. He did move his face away, though, but grinned at me as he did it.
He knows I am close.
So damn close.
I ignored what he’d said. “What are you here for today, Kick?”
He shrugged. “Do I need a reason? I remember when I used to practically live at this house.”
“That was a long time ago.”
“Yeah, well, maybe I miss those days.”
Regret flared deep within me. “I do, too, Kick, but we can’t go back. That’s not how life works.”
His eyes revealed his own regret, and we stood silently watching each other for a couple of moments. Finally, he said, “Yeah.” Taking a step away from me, he turned back to face Mum and said, “Thanks for the drink, Loretta. I’ll see you soon.”
“Thanks for dropping in,” Mum replied, “come back whenever you want.”
He nodded and then faced me again. Stepping closer, he reached out to cup my cheek and ran his thumb over my lip. “We can’t go back, Evie, but we can sure as fuck go forward.”
Kick had always been able to turn me on with just a look or his voice or the lightest of touches, and now was no different. His touch, his voice, and his words melded together and caused desire to spread to every nerve ending in my body.
The other thing he’d always been able to do was read me well. Awareness flickered in his eyes and the corners of his mouth twitched in the slightest of smiles. He traced my lips one more time and then he let me go and said, “I’ll see you soon, too, baby.”
I wrapped my arms around my body as I watched him go.
Hell, Kick Hanson had me.
“Evie,” Mum cut into my thoughts, and I spun around to look at her. “What’s up?”
“Huh?” God, my brain had turned to mush after Kick got to it.
“Well, you came over, so I figure you wanted something.”
I went and sat on the couch with her. “No, I just came to see how you were,” I said, glancing at her to see how she was doing. Usually, tiredness marred her face, but lately she’d been doing better. After Shelly’s death, Mum had sunk into a deep depression and never really recovered. She’d retreated within and hardly left the house. It was only recently she’d started to really come out of it and seemed much happier these days. But it took a lot of work on her behalf, and I knew that, so I did my best to help her out whenever I could and checked in on her regularly.
“Thank you,” she said, giving me a sad smile, “How are you, baby? I worry about you.”
Her words caused a flush of happiness through my body. One of the side effects of her depression was an inability to care for her kids the way a mother should. She’d been unable to show us much affection and that had lasted for years. These days she gave us random pieces of affection so when she did, I grabbed it with both hands and held tight.
“I’ll be okay. You know what it’s like. I’ve just gotta take it one day at a time.”
We sat in silence for a little while and then she astounded me by opening up in a way she never had. “One day at a time is all you have to do. But don’t do what I did, Evie. If you’re struggling, go and see someone to help you. I closed down on you all, and that was the absolute worst thing I could have done. Most of the time, you will probably just want to be left alone, and while you do need that, you also need to talk about what you’re going through. Not all the time, but don’t shut down. Promise me you won’t do that.”
“I promise,” I whispered, my voice catching in my throat at her rare openness.
Maybe after all these years, I’d finally get my mum back.
***
I shut my eyes and let myself slide deeper into the bath water. Darkness surrounded me except for the flickering of some candles I’d set around the bathroom. Lavender for relaxation.
It’d been a long day, and after leaving Mum’s house this afternoon I’d come home, hoping to sink into the couch and not leave it all night. Best laid plans never worked out, though. My neighbour had called me in a panic. Her washing machine had flooded her laundry and she needed help with her kids while she dealt with her emergency. Three hours later, I’d traipsed home even more exhausted.
Thoughts of my father and his predicament filled my mind as I lay in the bath. As much as I tried to force them out, at least just for the duration of my bath, I couldn’t stop them coming. I’d contacted my bank today and begged for a loan, but seeing as I already had a maxed out credit card and a personal loan on my car, they wouldn’t lend me anymore. The two thousand dollars I had saved would hardly help my father so I’d then asked some friends if they could lend me any money but the most they could come up with was another thousand. I had six more days to figure this out and not many people left to ask.
Shit.
I sat up in the bath, water sloshing everyw
here because I moved so quickly. Nausea hit my gut and I had to take some deep breaths to get my breathing under control.
What the hell am I going to do?
What the hell is my father going to do?
As I sat there, with my hands gripping the sides of the bath and my concentration focused on regaining my breaths, a loud knock on the front door filled the silence in my house.
Who the hell would be knocking on my door at ten o’clock at night?
I stayed in the bath, waiting to see if they went away, but when they knocked again, I pushed myself up and stepped out of the bath. Wrapping my towel around me without even drying myself off, I stalked to the front of the house.
When I got to the front door, I abruptly stopped.
Was I seriously going to answer the door at this time of night wrapped in a freaking towel?
Before I could even process that question and answer it, the person on the other side called out. “Evie, it’s Kick. Open up.”
Oh my god, he had to be kidding me.
Without any further thought, I yanked the door open and glared at him.
His gaze travelled down my body and then back up to meet my eyes. Stepping forward, he raised one arm up and leant it against the door jamb. “Sweetheart, you’re a sight for sore fuckin’ eyes,” he said.
I huffed out a breath and shook my head at him. “What are you doing here at this time of night, Kick?”
“What? No hello? No invitation in?” His tone was playful, flirtatious, and I knew we were heading into dangerous territory.
I jerked my chin at the door. “Shut it after you,” I said and then began walking down my hall. “I’ll meet you in the kitchen in a minute,” I yelled out as I made my way into my bedroom to put some clothes on.
His boots sounded behind me. “Don’t need to get changed on my account,” he said, his sexy voice causing me to shiver as it drifted across my skin.
I ignored him and continued to the bedroom. No way would Kick and I be having a conversation with me wrapped only in a towel.
When I met him in the kitchen a couple of minutes later, he was sitting at the table with his legs stretched out in front of him and his arms crossed over his chest.
I arched a brow as I sat with him. “You look comfortable there.”
