by TT Kove
‘But we are now?’ he prodded.
‘Yeah. We are.’
‘I’ve been wanting to ask you for a while.’
‘Why haven’t you?’
‘I was afraid of the answer.’ That came out in a whisper.
I turned my head to the side. It was awkward, but I could see his face.
‘Why? We’ve been close ever since the day we met. I’m closer to you than I’ve ever been to anyone. I’ve told you this.’
‘I know you have. I’m sorry. I doubt things. It’s what I do.’ He went from hesitant to dejected in a second.
‘Josh.’ I sighed. I reached back, gently removed his head off my shoulder and pushed him down on the bed so I could finally look at him properly. ‘You need to stop doubting everything.’ I stroked my hand over his cheek.
He stared up at me. Then he grabbed me around the neck and applied pressure, and I fell willingly down into the kiss.
It was absurd how much I liked kissing him, considering I’d never liked close contact with anyone. Everything was so different with Josh. And I wasn’t complaining at all.
Silver sat at the table when I ventured into the kitchen for something to drink.
‘Hey, mate, what’s the etiquette for monthly anniversaries?’ I asked. The thought had been on my mind since I’d realised last night we’d just crossed that threshold. ‘Is something expected of a monthly anniversary or—’ I’d turned to face him and quickly shut up when I saw the look on his face. ‘Is everything all right?’
Silver dragged his hands over his face.
‘Kian came with some bad news today. Still trying to process it properly.’
Uh oh.
‘He broke up with you?’
Silver shook his head.
‘He might’ve been exposed to HIV.’
I sank down opposite him.
‘HIV?’
‘Yeah. This bloke he pulled once a while ago looked him up today. He’s got HIV and he’s not sure if he got it before or after Kian sucked him off.’
Ah, Jesus.
Did everyone have to be so blunt about the sex talk?
‘And?’
‘And he might be infected. If he is, I am.’
‘You haven’t been safe?’ I might not be interested in sex at all, but I darn well knew what a condom was for.
Silver shook his head again.
‘Not on oral.’
I stared at him, unimpressed.
‘What’s the point of being safe with one thing and not the other?’
He looked properly chastised.
‘What can I say, D? It’s passion. When you’re going to fuck someone, condoms are part of the equation. But when you’re pulling their pants down and a dick slap you in the face, you just want to go down on it, you know. Condoms aren’t exactly forefront in my mind in that moment. Latex tastes like shit anyway.’
‘Silver.’ I had a sudden need to cover my ears with my hands, but I managed to refrain from it. I wasn’t a fourteen-year-old girl, after all.
‘Right. Sorry.’ He held his palms up towards me. ‘Anyway, we’re going to go get tested in the morning. I guess we’ll find out then.’
‘You seem pretty relaxed about it. I mean, it’s a disease you will have to live with your entire life. One that will change your entire life.’
Silver leant back in his chair, his eyes staring up at the ceiling for a moment before settling back on me.
‘I am freaking out. A little bit. Of course I am. But at the same time, we should’ve been more careful, so ultimately it’s our fault. It’s the risk of sex, anyway. Everyone who has it risks exposing themselves to HIV.’ He eyed me up and down. ‘You’re lucky. You never have to worry about it. Or has that changed?’
‘It hasn’t,’ I deadpanned.
‘How does your boyfriend feel about that?’ He grinned now. Josh’s moods weren’t the only ones that changed quickly.
I refused to answer that.
‘If you’re not going to be serious, I’m walking away.’
He chuckled and crossed his arms over his chest.
‘It’s just a month. Do something simple, something sweet. Flowers or some shit.’
‘What? Flowers?’ I could feel the grimace.
Silver was full-out laughing now.
‘Now, when it’s the one-year anniversary, that’s when you have to pull out the big guns.’
One year?
He sure was jumping ahead.
‘Where is Josh?’
‘In bed.’ He was writing in his journal. ‘Where’s Kian?’
Silver’s grin dimmed.
‘He went home. Said it would be best for us to spend the night apart. You know, temptation and all that.’
I didn’t know actually, but I refrained from saying that. He knew, anyway.
I got back up to fix myself a glass of water.
‘Good luck tomorrow, I guess?’
He groaned.
‘Yeah. I guess we need that.’
I eyed him out of the corner of my eye.
‘I’m sure it’ll be fine. If that bloke doesn’t even know when he contracted it, it’s a big possibility it happened after Kian, and then everything should be fine.’
‘Sure hope you’re right.’
‘You should be more careful.’
He turned sheepish.
‘Yeah.’
‘I never thought I’d have to tell you that.’
This wasn’t normally something we talked about, after all.
‘I’ve never been so madly in lust with someone before.’
My eyebrows rose.
‘Well, you know.’ He shrugged. ‘We’re very physical. I really like him. This could be it, you know.’
It?
‘Have you told Kian?’
‘Told him? About what?’ It dawned on him the moment the questions were out, and he got a dark look in his eyes. ‘No.’
‘He hasn’t seen your back?’ I found that hard to believe.
‘He asked about it.’
Silver’s whole back was a memorial tattoo.
He narrowed his eyes at me.
‘Have you told Josh?’
‘No. Fair enough.’ I took my water with me and made for the door. ‘I really hope tomorrow goes well for you. For you both.’
‘Thanks, mate. Appreciated.’
Josh looked up from his journal when I came back in my room. ‘That was a long trip to get some water.’
I put my glass on the bedside table, then fell down on the bed.
‘I had a chat with Silver.’
Josh closed his journal and turned around so he could rest against me.
‘I like lying like this with you.’
‘Me too.’ I carded my fingers through his hair. ‘This is nice.’
Josh
I asked.
And he said yes.
Boyfriends. The word has a strange sound to it. I’ve never had a boyfriend before. And now I do.
I’ve got a boyfriend.
I’VE GOT A BOYFRIEND.
12
Downward Spiral
Damian
It snuck up on me.
I was busy with course work, and trying to spend the rest of my time either working or with Josh.
Then one day my eyes fell on the calendar. Seeing the red circle felt like being hit in the chest with a sledgehammer.
I’d been so busy I hadn’t even noticed someone had turned the calendar over to October. And now the red circle I always put on that particular date once I bought a new calendar glared at me.
I stumbled back and caught myself on the counter. I gripped it tight and then slid to the floor when my knees couldn’t keep me up anymore.
My eyes were glued to the date.
That fucking date.
Why did I keep circling it every bloody year?
Because if I didn’t it would sneak up and hit me like a bulldozer on the particular day, and that always made it so much worse.
When September was over and I turned the calendar over, at least I knew I’d have over twenty days to prepare.
But I’d been so busy I hadn’t even had a chance to look at the calendar once.
And now half the term was about to be over and I wasn’t as busy as I’d been, and there it was… the red circle, standing out against the white and the black.
Mocking me, was what it felt like.
I hated that day. It was the day my whole life had changed. It might’ve been for the better, but the way it’d happened… that wasn’t good at all. It was horrible and something I wished I could just forget, because thinking about it always left me a mess.
There was a reason I always kept those memories locked away good and proper in the back of my mind.
‘Damian?’
I could see Josh enter the kitchen out of the corner of my eye.
No, no, no.
He was home already?
‘Are you okay?’ He came over to me, voice concerned.
No, no, no.
He couldn’t be here. Not now.
My mind was overflowing by those horrid memories.
‘Damian? You’re scaring me.’ He put his hand on my arm.
Something normally so innocent made my body move in a flurry now. Without really knowing it was going to happen, I’d pushed him away from me, so hard he fell back on the floor.
‘Don’t touch me!’ I pushed to my feet next.
I knew I’d done something wrong, something possibly irreversible. I could see it in the stricken look on his face.
But there was one time in the year I couldn’t be strong and it was now.
Death, death, death.
I didn’t want to remember. I didn’t want to see it flash through my mind again, like it did every year.
‘I can’t—I need to be alone right now.’ I didn’t look at him again as I hurried out of the room to lock myself in my bedroom.
I didn’t even turn the lights on. I just sunk to the floor and buried my face against my kneecaps.
Josh
For a beat I didn’t move.
I couldn’t move. It was like I was frozen to the floor.
What had I done wrong? What had I done to cause that reaction from him? I’d been good lately. I hadn’t even cut myself.
He, who was kind and gentle and patient with me… he’d pushed me. Pushed me away hard.
I went from frozen to a flurry of movement. I walked into the living room, where I shrugged on my rucksack, and then I left. I couldn’t stay there. He’d specifically told me he wanted to be alone.
So I would leave him alone.
He’d pushed me away. He’d never done anything to hurt me before, and now he suddenly got physical. It didn’t make sense. I didn’t know why.
I felt numb all over. I couldn’t even cry—and I was a master at that.
Mum wasn’t home when I got there. It was too early for her to be off work yet. So I dropped my rucksack and shoes in the hallway and headed for my room.
I didn’t know how long I sat on my bed.
All I knew was I felt the numbness spread. Eventually it was like I couldn’t even move my fingers. Everything was numb, to body functions, to my feelings, to my bloody damaged brain.
And I hated it. I hated the numbness.
I couldn’t remember finding the razor. All I knew was I’d been sitting on the bed, then my jumper was off and the cold metal slashed into my skin.
I was relentless. I wanted to feel something. Even if it was pain, it was better than nothing.
‘Joshua?’ There was a knock on my door. ‘I saw your rucksack. Are you in there? I need to talk to you. Tell you something.’
A sob escaped me and I curled in on myself. There were no tears, but that didn’t seem to stop the sob.
She must’ve heard it, because she opened the door.
I tilted my head to look up at her and I could see how she visibly flinched once she got a look at me.
‘Joshua.’ She drew in a shaking breath.
I turned my head back to the floor. It was dotted with pools of blood. Blood had been flying everywhere in my frenzy.
‘Oh my God.’ She came closer. ‘Joshua.’ She crouched down next to me, hand landing tentatively on my back.
‘I think I need to go to A&E.’ My voice was flat. Yet still shaking a tiny bit. ‘I think I might need sutures.’
She rose again and left the room, and for a minute there I felt completely abandoned. So much so that feelings returned—along with the tears. But she came back quickly and she had two towels she wrapped around both of my arms.
‘Keep them there. Try to press on it. I’m driving you right now.’
She helped me stand. I kept my arms crossed and pressed to my chest as she guided me outside to her car. She even tied my shoes in the hallway, because I couldn’t do it myself.
The car ride was silent. My forehead was pressed against the cool window and I watched buildings fly past as she drove a bit faster than the speed limit.
I was silent when we entered the A&E, and also when I was taken back and my arms were cleaned up and sutured.
I didn’t say a word until we were on our way back home again.
‘I think I want to go to Bristol.’ I sniffled.
‘You think?’ She was steadfastly watching the road.
‘I want to. I want to go. Get away.’
‘It’s your decision, Joshua. If you want to go, I can buy you a train ticket. Or I could drive you down. It’s the weekend. I don’t have to go back to work until Monday. And for you it’s half-term so you’ve got the next week off.’
‘Maybe we could drive?’ Just me and her, on a road trip. It sounded a lot more appealing than sitting on a train surrounded by strangers.
I saw out of the corner of my eye that she nodded.
‘You want to leave right now?’
‘Yeah.’
I didn’t want to stay. What did I have to stay at home for?
She nodded again.
‘Then we’ll go home and pack a bag each.’
Gratefulness bloomed in my chest.
I squeezed my eyes shut to stop the tears. I hadn’t been crying much lately, because I’d thought I’d been happy, but now… what was happiness? I wasn’t sure I could ever be properly happy.
‘Thanks, Mum.’
She reached over to squeeze my hand.
‘Anything for you, Joshua. Anything.’
Damian
I’d managed to fall asleep, though it hadn’t exactly been a peaceful one. I hadn’t been plagued by the kind of nightmares Josh was, but they’d been there.
Everything had happened in my dream, exactly like it had as I could remember, and it had felt so real. It hadn’t felt like a nightmare at all. I hadn’t woken up screaming or shaking or terrified like Josh used to though.
The dream had simply continued on, until I’d suddenly opened my eyes.
I lay for a while, trying to figure out what had woken me. I could hear people moving around in the living room and bathroom, so I reckoned Silver was home from work.
I could hear muffled voices. I hoped he was talking to Josh, that he was keeping Josh’s mood up.
Shit. I pushed him.
I got out of bed and padded over to the door. I was disappointed when it opened because it wasn’t Josh on the sofa, but Kian.
Silver came out the bathroom the moment I opened the door and his smile died a slow death once he got a good look at me.
‘Hey, mate. All right?’
I looked into the kitchen. Empty.
‘Where’s Josh?’
‘Not here. I thought he was in there with you.’ He motioned to my room.
I shook my head slowly, then pressed my palms to my face.
Shit, shit, shit.
‘D, what’s wrong?’
‘I pushed him away.’ The words were hard to get out. I was ashamed of what I’d done to him.
Silver frowned.
‘What�
��d you mean?’
‘I physically pushed him.’ I let my arms drop and cast him a desperate look. ‘It’s in four days, and I just realised it. He came upon me and I pushed him.’
It dawned on Silver.
‘You forgot the date?’
‘Yeah.’ I got cold all of a sudden and wrapped my arms around myself. ‘I was freaking out. I still am, a little bit. And he had to come in at that exact moment, and he was just being worried, and I pushed him away.’
Kian looked at me from over the back of the sofa.
‘Just ring him, mate. Explain that it was a shitty time, and apologise. I’m sure it’ll be fine.’
I started to shake my head before he’d even finished speaking.
‘You don’t understand.’ I pressed the back of my hands to my eyes. ‘What I just did… it’s bad. So bad.’
‘Josh’s a sweet bloke. Surely he’ll understand you didn’t mean anything by it.’ Kian frowned now too.
He didn’t understand. He didn’t know about Josh’s issues, about him being borderline and what that entailed.
I cast a wild glance at Silver, who looked back at me with an expression I couldn’t decipher. I was so bad at that. It could be pity, or sadness, or understanding. Besides me, Silver was the one closest to Josh—and Silver knew everything that had happened since I’d met him.
‘You should go speak to him in person. He probably went home to his mum’s. He hasn’t got anywhere else to go, has he?’
‘No.’ Josh only had his mum—and me. And I’d failed him.
‘The quicker you go talk to him, the quicker this’ll be solved. Nothing like this has happened before, so if you apologise—and explain—I’m sure Josh will understand. If anyone should understand your feelings about your past, it’s him. You need to tell him. You should’ve told him long before October came around.’
‘I’ve been so busy, I wasn’t aware of the dates. That they were getting so close to-to—‘ I couldn’t even say it. After all these years and I was still incapable of saying it.
‘I remember around this time last year. We’d met only a month and a half before. I knew something was up with you but I had no idea what. And I didn’t feel like I knew you enough to ask. But when you finally told me, I understood what it was all about. So will Josh.’
