by TT Kove
‘No, Silver. You don’t get it. I did something bad, and that will affect him. You know borderliners have a black-and-white thinking pattern. I might’ve been firmly on the white side—but now I’m going to be all black.’
‘You’ve been together for two and a half months. Surely that can’t apply to you anymore?’
‘It applies to everyone. A single little word can do it. And I physically pushed him away from me. He fell because of me. And I told him I needed to be alone. That’s more than enough reason for his thoughts to switch around to the other opposite.’
‘Go talk to him now.’ Silver slapped my shoulder. ‘If it is that bad, you can’t waste a bloody second, D. Go to him, tell him everything, no matter how fucking hard it is. You managed to tell me. Surely you can tell him.’
I wasn’t so sure about that, but I went.
When I got there, no one was home. And when I finally tried to ring him—no one answered.
Josh
Mum and I stayed with Grandma the night we arrived. She was surprised, but happily so, when we showed up on her doorstep.
I went to visit Cooper the next day, simply because he was the only one of my cousins I knew enough to actually have a proper conversation with.
He opened the door, looking like shit and yawning wide.
‘Josh?’ He peered at me. ‘What’re you doing here?’
‘Mum and I came down for a visit.’ He was bare-chested, and his joggers hung so far down his hips I was afraid to dip my eyes down lower in case everything was on display.
‘Come in, come in.’ He waved me inside.
Cooper had a small flat: just a tiny living room with a kitchen, bathroom, toilet, and an equally tiny bedroom. It was enough for him though.
‘Can I get you anything? I might have some Sprite, if I didn’t finish it off last night.’ He looked in the fridge.
‘I don’t need anything, thanks.’ I wasn’t thirsty. All I wanted was something else to think about.
‘I literally can’t remember how I got home last night.’ Copper dropped down next to me. ‘I think maybe Kale dropped my drunk arse back here. He’s all responsible like that.’
‘New boyfriend?’ The name didn’t ring a bell with me.
He threw me an unimpressed glare.
‘My best mate. My straight best mate.’
‘Oh.’ I’d heard about him a few times. I wasn’t sure Cooper had ever mentioned him by name though.
‘So what’s up?’ Cooper’s knee bumped mine. ‘I thought you were all shacked up with your new boyfriend. Where’s he?’
‘Back in London.’ I didn’t want to talk about it. I wanted to forget. ‘I’m not sure he’s my boyfriend anymore.’
‘Why not?’ He bumped my knee again.
‘Cooper.’ I wasn’t here to unload on him.
‘Look, you tell me your woes, I’ll tell you mine.’
I cast him a wry look.
‘You’ve got woes?’ I did the universal sign for quotes on the last word. It wasn’t a word I’d ever used before. Maybe if I’d lived in Shakespeare’s time.
‘They might even trump yours.’
Cooper was a person who was outgoing and always the life of the party. Always had a smile. But now he was serious and I found myself believing him. Because Cooper was never serious about anything. That was the main thing that could make him get on everyone’s nerves.
‘It’s not much to tell, really,’ I said. ‘He pushed me, told me he needed to be alone, and I ended up at A&E, having to get sutures on both of my arms.’
‘He pushed you?’ Cooper sounded scandalised. ‘Why the hell did he do that?’
‘Don’t know.’ He hadn’t exactly given me a reason for it, had he?
‘I hope you’re not going to take it? That’s the beginning of abuse that is.’
‘What—No!’ My head whipped around to face him. ‘He’s not like that. Something had happened and he couldn’t stand for me to touch him. I don’t know what’d happened, but something did.’
Cooper wasn’t convinced.
‘If I had a boyfriend who physically pushed me, I would’ve run the other way. I’m no one’s punching bag.’
‘Neither am I.’ I was getting upset. I didn’t like the way he was taking what I’d said. ‘He would never hurt me, Coop. It was an accident.’
‘That’s what they all say.’ He crossed his arms defensively.
My eyes narrowed.
‘Have you been pushed around?’
He shrugged.
I took that as a yes.
‘Look. Damian is the sweetest guy. But he hasn’t told me his story and there’s something there. I know it’s difficult. Otherwise why wouldn’t he want to talk about it, right? So, I think it’s bad. Maybe not my kind of bad, but I definitely think it’s bad.’
Cooper sighed.
He loosened up a bit, which I was grateful for.
‘I don’t know him. You know best. I guess I’m the loser who falls for all the arseholes.’
I didn’t know what to say to that.
‘Why don’t you live at home? Wouldn’t you save money?’ That was a question I’d been wondering about since I’d heard he’d moved out. I hadn’t had time to ask, or even think about it while they’d been in London though.
‘If I lived at home, I wouldn’t be able to live my life the way I want to live it. Mum’s got all these rules and stuff, and I just can’t get with that. I’m old enough to decide for myself, not have her running around telling me what I can and can’t do.’
He cleared his throat, then imitated Aunt Abigail’s voice to his best ability.
‘“You can’t keep partying like this, Cooper, it’s not good for you. You can’t keep sleeping around like you do, Cooper, you’ll end up catching something you can’t be rid of. You can’t do this, Cooper, you can’t do that, Cooper.”’ He groaned in annoyance. ‘You see, I can’t live with that. It’s my life and I got to live it whilst I still can. It’s not like I have long left, after all.’
My head whipped around to face him again.
Fear stuck in me, like a dagger being turned in my chest.
‘Cooper, you aren’t—are you?’ I couldn’t say the word. Strange, as I’d attempted it myself and I had no problem saying it in sessions with Vincent or in group.
He blinked at me.
‘You mean suicidal?’ It dawned on him rather quickly. He laughed. ‘No, mate. Hardly that. But I do have numbered days.’
‘Are you sick?’ Mum hadn’t said anything about Cooper being ill. If there’d been something life-threatening, surely the family would know?
‘See, Josh, that’s my woe. My life will change. I don’t know when, all I know is it will. It can happen in a minute, in days, in years. There’s just no way of knowing. All I know is my sight’s getting worse and there’s nothing I can do about it.’
His sight?
‘What’d you mean?’
‘I’ve got this eye disease. My sight is steadily getting worse and eventually it’ll be so bad I won’t be able to see shit.’ He stared at me, all serious. ‘I’ll be blind eventually.’
I swallowed heavily.
‘Who knows about it?’
‘No one,’ he deadpanned. ‘Well, Kale knows. And now you. But besides the two of you, no one. And I would like it to stay that way.’
‘You don’t want the rest of the family to know?’ I was shocked. I hadn’t wanted anyone to know about what Andrew had been doing to me, but my circumstances had been vastly different from his.
He had a disease that would blind him. Why didn’t he want his family’s support?
‘Nope.’ He shook his head for emphasis. ‘It’s none of their business. They’re judging me and my lifestyle, and they can just keep doing it. I don’t care. I’m the black sheep of the family, after all. Why make them get rid of that label when it fits so well?’
Cooper might act all tough, but I would bet he was secretly ashamed on the inside.
&n
bsp; That’s what I had been. I’d wanted to die before I let anyone know. I’d failed at it, and they’d all found out, but they’d all been there for me. They all took time off work to come down to London to support me through the last part of the trial.
I appreciated that, even if I hadn’t been able to be around them much.
Maybe that was why Cooper didn’t want them to know, too—because they could be too much. His sister especially. She could be rude at times, and outspoken, and not even realise she was hurting other peoples’ feelings.
‘So that’s my secret. Now that that’s out of the way… what are your plans for the day?’
Cooper seemed to just throw the entire issue over his shoulder and forget about it. I didn’t know how he did it, but I wish I had that ability.
‘I’m going out to eat with Mum later. She’s got something she wants to tell me.’ I had no idea what it was. She hadn’t given me a single hint. I hoped it wasn’t something bad. I couldn’t take more bad things happening right now.
‘Want to come out with me tonight? Check out the nightlife here in Bristol?’ He grinned.
My eyebrows rose.
‘Weren’t you out last night?’
‘Yeah.’
‘And you want to go out tonight? Two days in a row?’
‘I always go out two days in a row. Fridays and Saturdays.’ Now he was looking at me as if I was the mad one.
I knew he liked to party… but two days in a row, every week? That seemed like a lot. Considering I hardly ever went out anymore, it sounded absurd.
‘Yeah. I’ll come out with you.’ I’d never been out in Bristol, after all, and what else did I have to do?
‘Newly single and everything.’ He clapped my shoulder. ‘We’ll find you a nice shag.’
‘Wha—No! I’m not… I’m just not.’
We hadn’t broken up.
Had we?
I didn’t think we had. He’d only said he needed to be alone for a while, not forever. Maybe he’d just needed a break and then we’d be fine again.
Cooper smirked.
‘Maybe we’ll find me a nice shag then.’
Now that was more like it.
I couldn’t help but notice Mum was nervous. She kept moving the cutlery around, as if she wasn’t happy with the placement of it.
Her apparent nervousness made mine ten-times worse, because if she was nervous about what she had to say… then where would that leave me? Clearly it was something that would be important to me, or else she wouldn’t be fussing so much about it.
Our food arrived and I started in on it, since it didn’t seem like she was about to start talking anytime soon.
‘Good?’ she asked once she’d taken a bite herself.
‘Mhm.’ I nodded, mouth full of fish. We weren’t in the kind of fancy restaurant my mum preferred. We’d settled on a simple fish & chips shop, and I didn’t regret it, because it tasted wonderful.
‘I think so too.’ She smiled, but it was shaky at best.
‘Whatever you got to say, say it.’ I put my cutlery down. She was making me too nervous to enjoy it. ‘I can take it.’ That could be a possible lie, but until she told me what it was, I hoped I could take it.
She blew out a breath. She wasn’t looking at me, but at a point over my shoulder.
‘Spill it. Just say it, Mum. Don’t hesitate. Just get it out there.’ I clenched my hands into fists, heart beating wildly, afraid of what I was about to hear.
She closed her eyes then finally looked straight at me when she opened them again.
‘I’ve met someone.’
I reared back so fast the chair almost fell back, but I managed to catch onto the table before both the chair and I tumbled to the floor.
I hadn’t known what to expect, but it hadn’t been that.
‘No.’ I shook my head. ‘No, no, no.’ I couldn’t stop shaking my head. Last time she’d met someone, married someone, my life had turned into an unbearable hell.
‘Joshua.’ She abandoned her seat and came over to crouch down in front of me. She tilted her face up to me, trying to catch my eyes. ‘This isn’t like Andrew. This person… is good. They’re not someone who would hurt anyone else.’
‘I’m sure that’s what you thought when you met Andrew too.’ I pressed my hands against the side of my head as I rocked back and forth on the chair. ‘He managed to hide it from you for ten years. More than that.’
She drew in a shaky breath.
‘You’re grown up, Joshua. No matter what, no one can hurt you again. You’re not a little defenceless kid anymore.’
She was right, of course. It wasn’t like I could be forced into something I didn’t want to do. Like I had to rely on the one person who kept hurting me in ways I couldn’t even begin to explain back then.
I was my own boss now. I wasn’t the boy who was scared to death of being home and of being in bed because I knew it wouldn’t be long until I wasn’t alone in it.
That wasn’t me. Not any more. I was stronger now.
‘Who is it?’ I probably wouldn’t even know if she told me. I only hoped his name wasn’t Andrew Graham—but then that wasn’t likely, as he was locked up in prison. He wouldn’t get out for a long time.
‘Harriet.’
‘Harriet?’ My arms fell down and I stopped the rocking, all because of the shock. ‘But that’s a—a woman’s name?’
Mum nodded quickly.
‘She’s a woman, yeah.’
‘Since when do you like women?’
‘I always have. Back in college, and in university before I met Andrew, I mostly had romantic connections with other women. If I went out to pull with my mates, I always ended up with other girls—‘
‘Oh, yeah, that’s enough, thanks.’ I held my hands up. I wasn’t grown up enough to hear about my mum’s sexual escapades.
A small smile found its way to her lips.
It was actually nice to see, because Mum hadn’t smiled much for the last two years.
A memory came back to me, of Damian asking me if my mum knew his boss.
‘Harriet. As in Harriet? Damian’s boss?’
‘Yeah.’ She nodded. ‘That’s the one. Didn’t Damian tell you?’
‘He asked if you two knew each other, but that’s all.’ My eyebrows drew together. ‘Did he catch you in a compromising position or something?’
‘No, not at all. I was just meeting her after work, and we went home together.’ She was still crouched in front of me, looking up at me. ‘We’re taking things slow. After Andrew… well, I’m a bit cautious after that. But I do like her.’
‘That’s good.’ I wanted my mum to be happy. That she seemed to be so with another woman didn’t faze me at all. If it’d been a new man in the picture—that might’ve disturbed me more, but a woman… that was better.
Mum went back to her seat.
‘She has a nephew who’s your age. He’s got some issues, and when I told her you were doing well with group therapy, she thought that might be an option for him as well.’
I took another piece of fish and chewed it before I answered.
‘What’s his issues?’
‘His mum died years ago, but she thinks his lifestyle suggest he’s not dealing with it too well. I gave her the contact information for your therapist. Maybe he’ll show up in group one day.’
‘Yeah.’
There wasn’t anything against the rules there, since I didn’t know him. He wasn’t related to me.
Mum’s smile widened.
‘I was hoping we could go out to dinner one day, when we’re back in London. I want you to meet Harriet properly, and maybe her nephew will come with too. Maybe you can get to know each other?’
‘That sounds… nice.’ It did. But I couldn’t help but worry because going back to London… I didn’t want to at the moment. I didn’t have anything to go back to.
I’d left, without a word.
When Damian had tried to call me last night, I’d only
turned the phone on silent and left it at that. I didn’t want to know what he had to say. If he was breaking up with me, I’d rather not hear it. I couldn’t be responsible for what I’d do if that were to happen.
If he said the words, I knew I couldn’t settle on cutting my arms up. If he said them, I knew it would break me. I knew I would have to do something else. Something I’d only attempted once—and utterly failed at.
If he said them, I knew I wouldn’t want to fail. I’d want to do it properly, and I would make sure I did.
So I couldn’t hear the words. I couldn’t let them break me.
Damian
It was late and I was lying flat on my bed. I stared upwards, but it wasn’t the ceiling I saw.
My thoughts were a mess of my past and what had happened with Josh the day before. I’d tried going over to his place again today, but there hadn’t been anyone home this time either.
I’d tried to call, but he hadn’t picked up.
Shit.
I’d messed it up.
I hoped he was okay, that he hadn’t done something to himself or something had happened to him. I needed him, but I had no idea how to go about getting him back here when he wasn’t answering his phone, and no one was at home.
What was I supposed to do?
I had no idea where he was. I couldn’t tell him anything when I couldn’t get a hold of him.
Everyone flashed before my eyes.
My parents, my sisters, Josh…
I scratched over my chest. My jumper was too thick to feel anything, so I shoved my hand under it and ran it over bare skin. My not-very-smooth skin.
Josh hadn’t ever seen my scar. I’d seen his, at least the ones on his arms, but I’d never shown him mine. I’d always been careful not to change in front of him, at least not when I had to get naked to do so.
Something started vibrating next to me and I was halfway off the bed before I realised it was just my phone.
I stared down at it.
Unknown number flashed on the screen.
I hated answering the phone, especially when I didn’t know who rang. But it could be important.
‘Hello?’
‘Damian?’
I blinked, trying to place the feminine voice.
‘Angelina?’ My heart started beating at triple speed.
What if something’s happened to him?
