Unworthy Heart: The Donnellys, Book 1

by Dorothy F. Shaw

  “She’s gone.”

  “Shit. I’m sorry, baby. When?”

  “Last night. I’m sorry I didn’t call. I just needed…” She blew out a breath. “I needed some time.”

  “It’s okay. How are you doing?”

  “I don’t know really. I said my goodbyes, but now I feel numb.”

  “That’s understandable. God, I’m so sorry. I’ll be there tonight, provided I can make arrangements for Jacob.”

  “No. It’s fine. You don’t have to come.”

  “I want to.”

  “Ryan, you don’t need to come. I’m fine.”

  “Are we back to this again? Jesus, Maiya.” He tapped his thumb on the gearshift, frustration burning in his gut, and not quite able to believe she was shutting him out, yet again. Especially now.

  “Look, I need some space. Is that too much to ask?”

  Her clipped words got his attention and also pissed him off. “I really wanted to be there, but if space is what you want, then that I can give you.” Ryan tried to keep his tone neutral but failed. He rubbed his forehead, knowing he sounded like an asshole. It was too hard to deal with the push and pull with her. At the hospital she’d dropped her walls and let him in, and because she had, he thought they’d moved past this. He was wrong.

  “I knew you’d be like this. This is why I didn’t call you last night. I don’t fucking need rescuing, Ryan.”

  Great. Not only was she shutting him out, she’d rebuilt her damn brick wall too. He envisioned the impassive mask she’d used so often sliding into place. “Christ, Maiya. I’m not trying to rescue you; I’m trying to support you.” He pinched the bridge of his nose and his head began to throb. “Can I come to the funeral at least, or will you be shutting me out of that as well?”

  “I’m not having a funeral. Not a traditional one anyway.” The sound of her lighting a cigarette resonated in his ear. “She’ll be cremated on Saturday and then I’m having a Catholic mass. I don’t think it’s necessary for you to come.”

  “Great. Thanks for letting me know exactly where I fit in your life.” He gripped the steering wheel and clenched his teeth.

  “This isn’t about you and me, Ryan. And I don’t really need this shit right now. You want to support me? Then fucking respect what I need and give me some goddamn space!”

  “Respect your needs? Tell you what, Maiya, when you figure out where I fit in your goddamn space, you let me know.” Fury lanced through his veins and boiled in his stomach. He disconnected the call without giving her a chance to reply—and before he said anything else in anger.

  Maiya had lost her mother, and all he wanted to do was be there for her, take care of her and what did she do? She slammed the proverbial door right in his face. She wants space? Fine, she’ll get her fucking space. Peeling out into traffic, Ryan resumed his commute to work.

  He stewed for the next few days until his anger settled into a plain old-fashioned river of hurt. She’d hurt him. As a result he’d lashed out at her in anger. Jodi had barely spoken to Maiya, either, and although knowing that made him feel a little better, it also made him worry. She’d walled herself off from everyone who cared about her. Hopefully Heather was there with her.

  To top off the perfect shitty week, he’d gotten a call from his attorney. There would be no mediation around the new visitation request. He wasn’t interested in mediating anyway. He’d rather hit them head-on in court and send them back to Washington with their tails between their legs. A court date was set for three months from now. Fucking fabulous, as Maiya would say.

  Saturday came, and he paced the house like a caged animal. Was she okay? Knowing he was in no condition to focus on his child’s needs, Ryan sent Jacob to his parents’ house for the weekend.

  Unable to stand it any longer, Ryan packed a bag and got in the Porsche. Enough was enough.

  After the funeral, Maiya sat alone on her back patio, sipping her coffee and chain-smoking cigarette after cigarette. She’d spent the majority of the week planning her mother’s small service alone too. No reason for now to be any different.

  A few of her mother’s friends attended the mass, as well as some of Maiya’s. Heather was there, of course, and cried the whole time. But Maiya had kept one eye on the door of the church almost the entire mass, half expecting Ryan to show up.

  He hadn’t. And why would he? She’d basically kicked him to the curb on Tuesday when they’d last spoken or…argued rather. The sound of the doorbell jerked Maiya from her thoughts. She bolted up from the lounge chair on the patio and ran into the house. Swinging the door open, she froze—speak of the devil and…

  “Are you going to let me in or just stand there staring?” Ryan shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “It was a long drive.”

  She peeked out to her driveway. His Porsche sat ticking and pinging as the engine cooled from what was no doubt a speeding trip from Los Angeles to Vegas.

  “Maiya?”

  She jerked her focus back to him. “I can’t believe you’re here.”

  “Can I come in?”

  “Shit. Yes, of course. Sorry.” Swallowing past the lump in her throat, she stepped aside.

  He walked in, dropped his bag on the floor and turned to face her. Closing the door, she met his gaze. Her tongue had molded itself to the roof of her mouth. Nervous energy vibrated in her palms. He looked pissed. She bit her bottom lip and smoothed both hands down her T-shirt.

  Ryan stepped forward, his mouth set in a firm line, and she backed up until she met the hard wood of the door. He positioned one hand above her head and placed the other on her waist, fencing her in. But his warmth wrapped around her and her heart began to race.

  “I’m pissed at you.” He stared into her eyes and his voice was deeper than it’d ever been before. She avoided his intense stare and zeroed in on the ticking muscle in his jaw instead. “Nothing to say, hmm?” Leaning forward, he ran his nose up the side of her neck. “I’m so fucking pissed at you, I drove damn near five hours to see you. Without stopping.” He squeezed her side.

  “Oh. God.” Her body trembled from his light touch. “I’m sorry.”

  “I know.” Ryan kissed her neck. “Let’s go.” He grabbed her hand, tugged her up the stairs and into her bedroom.

  Powerless to stop him, she let him lead her. He’d come for her. The man had gotten in his car and drove across the desert.

  For her.

  Ryan sat her on her bed. “Stay,” he commanded and walked into her bathroom. She heard the shower start and a few moments later he emerged, stark naked. “Stand up and undress, now.”

  She hesitated a moment but then did what he said. When she was naked, he took her by the hand, walked her into the bathroom and then stepped into the shower, taking her with him.

  Ryan pushed her under the spray. The water ran over her head, dampened her hair and trickled down her face. Maiya leaned her head back under the full spray. He placed a gentle kiss on her neck and ran his fingers through her hair. Pulling her away from the spray a bit, he reached for her shampoo.

  “I can do—”

  “Shh.” Pouring some of the pale lavender liquid into his hand, Ryan lathered the shampoo into her hair. He turned her and spread the bubbles through the long lengths and then massaged her scalp.

  She sighed, enjoying the feel of his hands. “That feels so good.”

  When he was done, he turned her again and edged her under the spray to rinse the suds out. She reached for the conditioner and he took the bottle from her. “Let me do this for you.” He kissed the tip of her nose. “Let me take care of you. I need to do this.”

  Maiya pressed her palms to his chest and stared up at him while he smoothed the creamy product through her hair. Ryan dipped his head and kissed her. Soft and slow…sweet. The gentleness in his touch had tears welling and she swallowed them down with his kiss.


  Pulling away, he grabbed the body wash and poured a generous amount into his palm. After building the liquid into a lather, he smoothed his soapy hands over her skin, massaging her shoulders and down her arms. She held on to his shoulders, entranced, gazing deep into his eyes. The tender expression in them swamped her senses and made her feel off center, yet grounded…as long as she held on to him.

  Ryan moved his hands over her collarbones to her breasts, palming and kneading each mound of flesh. Going to his knees before her, he smoothed the soap over her stomach and onto her hips. “Spread your legs for me.”

  She did as he asked, and shuddered when he spread her labia and washed her most intimate parts.

  “You have such a beautiful pussy.” Ryan’s voice had gone deep and gravely.

  Maiya’s stomach jumped and she gripped the skin of his shoulders, digging her nails in. Ryan continued down her thighs, washing each leg, from hip to ankle. He lifted each foot and washed over the sole with his palm. His brow was furrowed, his lips in a tight line, like he was concentrating on every part of her skin, making sure he didn’t miss a spot. It was the most sensual thing she’d ever experienced and, as her heart raced, all she could do was watch him with wonder.

  Ryan rose to his feet, his gaze steady on hers. The care he showed her would be her undoing. She knew, as he washed her with precise motions, he broke down her walls, brick by solid brick. Maiya didn’t have a chance of resisting him.

  Again, he pushed her beneath the spray to rinse her. Pressing his warm, wet body against hers, he ran his hands up and down her sides and then over her back and bottom, washing the soap away. “Let me take care of you, baby.” Cupping her face in his hands, he kissed her. An endless, open-mouthed kiss.

  Maiya let herself sink in to him. His lips were soft, his tongue firm and hot against hers. She undulated against him and explored his back and firm buttocks with her hands. His body was perfect. His erection, thick and hard, pressed to her belly between them.

  No man had fit this perfect against her body before.

  Moving a hand down her back, Ryan held her tight against him. Maiya moaned into his mouth, threading her fingers through his wet hair. He gripped her jaw with his other hand, controlling the kiss—controlling everything.

  Ryan pulled away and pressed his forehead to hers. “I love you.” He licked his lips. “I’m in love with you, Maiya.”

  Her vision blurred and the small space of her shower spun around her. She wasn’t sure if it was from the kissing, or from the declaration of his love. She closed her eyes and swallowed, then drew in a deep breath. “I need you inside me.”

  Holding her tight, he turned them and pressed her to the shower wall. He gripped both of her thighs and raised her off of her feet. Maiya wrapped her legs around his waist and sank down on to his erection. His length filled her completely, and she sucked in a breath and bit his shoulder. She couldn’t say I love you back; couldn’t allow those three little words to escape her lips.

  Emotions raced through her veins and her pulse beat in her ears. It was overwhelming and wonderful, and so very terrifying. He’d taken care of her physical needs, and then possessed her heart and soul. Maiya could only give him this part of her, as she’d done many times before tonight. But this time, for the first time, she let herself make love to him—against the wall in her shower, and then after, again in her bed.

  She fell asleep in his arms with his words echoing in her mind.

  Ryan lay there, listening to her breathe, relishing the softness of her skin and the warmth of her body. The tension that’d been building all week had peaked when he’d arrived. After seeing her face and then ordering her into the shower, he’d lost it, no longer able to hold back his feelings. He loved her, and there was no going back for him.

  She’d been so vulnerable once they’d gotten into the shower, as if he’d finally pushed past her walls. Then after, while making love, she’d been more tender with him than ever before. Even though she hadn’t said I love you back, he felt her love to the bottom of his soul. Ryan held her closer to his body. She couldn’t push him away while she slept, that he was quite sure of.

  The next morning, he woke when Maiya shifted, snuggling against him. “I have to leave soon,” he whispered.

  She didn’t respond, only nodded, and he stroked his fingers through her hair. After a bit longer, she got up, pulled on her robe and walked to the door. “I’ll go make a pot of coffee.”

  Awkwardness settled between them in the kitchen, neither of them having much to say. He’d said the words and it was as if they’d fallen between them on the floor, creating another hurdle for them to climb over. Dammit, this is hard. He wasn’t willing to take them back though.

  She walked him to the door and kissed him, then wrapped her arms around his neck, holding him tight to her chest.

  “I meant what I said last night.” Burying his face in her hair, he breathed her in. “They weren’t just words in the heat of the moment.”

  She took a step back. “I know.”

  “I’ll talk to you soon.” Ryan placed a small kiss on her cheek, and then turned and left.

  The ball was in her court.

  Chapter Forty-Five

  Maiya took the next two weeks off from work, taking the time she needed in order to settle her mother’s affairs. There wasn’t much to be done, and no close family members to distribute anything to. Her mother had a sister somewhere in the Midwest, but Maiya hadn’t seen her or heard anything about her since she was a child.

  Most of her time was spent cleaning out the trailer. And crying. Lots of crying while she sorted through piles of paper, old photographs and clothing. The photographs had been easier than she expected. Mom when she was young and vibrant, Maiya and Jeremy as kids—both with cheesy big grins, playing in one of the casino hotel pools. Days long gone. Who were those people she stared at in the photographs? It felt like a lifetime ago in a whole different world.

  The bedroom closet was last; most of the clothes were too old to even bother donating. Maiya pulled out item after item, tossing each into a pile on the floor until she unveiled a hidden treasure. She sucked in a breath at what she’d found: three showgirl costumes remained in sealed zippered vinyl bags in immaculate condition. Had her mother even known they were still in there?

  Maiya pulled them out, laid them on the bed and unzipped each bag. Each costume was a different color, sequins twinkling in the light above. She ran her hand down the bodice of the red one with reverent care.

  So beautiful…her mother had been beautiful too when she’d last worn these. Maiya sat on the bed, closed her eyes and pictured her, clear as day, in the corner of this very room, spinning in front of the full-length mirror.

  Joanie swung the skirt side to side. “Look, Emmie, look! Isn’t it beautiful?”

  “Yes, Mommy. Yes!” Little Maiya giggled and danced around her mother.

  “You make them look beautiful, Mom.” Jeremy’s pride was evident in his tone.

  Maiya shook herself out of the memory, grabbed yet another tissue, wiped her tear-streaked cheeks and blew her nose. She sealed the dresses back in their bags; those would be coming home with her.

  She stepped onto the front stoop, lit a cigarette and thought about Ryan. He’d have been knee deep in all of this mess helping her if she’d let him. As expected, he called, letting her know he’d arrived home safe after leaving Vegas the morning after the funeral. Their conversation had been brief, detached—almost cold.

  He hadn’t said he loved her again, and although it’d overwhelmed her the night he confessed it, she’d hoped to hear it again. But they hadn’t spoken since. Things could be different for them with her mother gone. She could move to L.A. There was no reason not to now. They could see each other as much as they wanted. They could be a couple.

  Except, Ryan had nothing to say to her anymore. Maiya sat on the ste
p and drew in a long drag. I really fucked this one up. Thinking back on their time together, she’d been the one to keep him at arm’s length.

  He had been the consistent one, the one to pursue her with fervor. He had fallen in love with her and wasn’t afraid to tell her. Ryan had been the one to keep it going for them, and the only consistent thing she’d done was pull him close and then push him away.

  And she did love him. That much she at last admitted to herself. But in spite of the undeniable love she felt for him, she continued to push him away. Why? Easy way out, and stupid. Because she was afraid he’d leave her—that he’d eventually change his mind and leave her.

  Had she pushed him so far he wasn’t coming back? All in the name of fear? There was only one way to find out, and it sure as hell wasn’t going to happen here in Vegas. She needed to get her shit in order and get her ass out to L.A. Now.

  Chapter Forty-Six

  Ryan spent his days immersed in work and his nights immersed in Jacob. He hadn’t talked to Maiya in two weeks, and it was driving him bat-shit crazy.

  He missed her. Jacob missed her too, but Ryan needed to stand his ground. He was tired of chasing her, tired of being the one to always pursue. Hell, he’d even told her he loved her, and what he’d gotten in return was a whole lot of nothing.

  She needed space; he understood. He hadn’t been prepared to lose touch with her like this though. Granted, she’d just lost her mother and had a lot on her plate, but he hated not being by her side to help her take care of everything. Ryan prayed that when she got through the mess she’d be willing to talk.

  Jimmy had gone home to Manhattan the prior week, and thank God, because his brother would be telling him daily to suck it up and wait it out. “She’ll come back if you’re meant to be together,” had been his words before he left town. What-the-fuck-ever. He did not want to hear that crap again.

  Ryan stepped off the elevator and into the main reception area of the office. He headed straight for the break room to grab some coffee and then casually stopped by Jodi’s office again to casually ask her if she’d heard from Maiya.