Let's Call the Whole Thing Off

by Jill Steeples

  My taste for champagne, though, had left the building along with Dave. I wasn’t sure I could face any more alcohol. Now I just wanted food. I hadn’t eaten since breakfast and I needed proper sustenance for what I knew was going to be the most draining and excruciating conversation of the day.

  I couldn’t stop staring at Ed. There was something different about him that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. His brown hair was neatly cut as always and his features were just as I would picture them to be, but the overall effect didn’t quite match the image of the man I had inside my head.

  ‘Sorry, what did you say?’

  Ed let slip an exasperated sigh.

  ‘I was saying that I understand why you did it. That whole undignified show outside the hotel. It was for my benefit, wasn’t it? I cheated on you and you thought you’d get back at me by doing the same thing.’ He shook his head, his gaze travelling around the room. ‘Alexander Fischer, though ... I have to give it to you, you certainly did it with style.’

  I felt my skin bristle from his tone. Ed always did have a tendency towards pomposity.

  ‘For your information, Dave is purely a friend. That’s all. I haven’t cheated with him, as you put it. He’s going back to London today and I was just saying goodbye.’

  ‘Don’t give me that! He had his tongue down your throat. And why the fuck do you insist on calling him Dave?’

  ‘Please don’t use that sort of language here,’ I hissed, kicking him in the shin beneath the table. I was secretly amazed. Ed very rarely swore. In fact, I struggled to remember a time when he’d used that word before. He was quite proper in some things. Old-fashioned, even. I’d quite liked that about him.

  ‘And the Dave thing,’ I said with a sigh. ‘It’s a long story.’ And not one I had any inclination to be sharing with him at the moment.

  I was relieved when the waiter arrived with our starters; we’d both opted for the forest mushrooms on brioche and I was able to take out my frustration on the plate of food in front of me. It was delicious. It must have been all the champagne and sea air that had made me absolutely ravenous, but I finished off mine in a matter of minutes, thinking wistfully of Dave riding off into the sunset. Ed, I noticed, on the other hand, had barely touched his. He was pushing the mushrooms around his plate with his fork, looking miserable.

  Still, I was determined not to allow him to do a Sophie on me and make out that I was somehow the one to blame in all of this.

  ‘What you have to remember, Ed, is that I wouldn’t have even been here in the first place if I hadn’t found out about you and Sophie. You have no right to accuse me of all sorts of things after what you did to me.’

  ‘I know.’ He pushed his plate away, the food barely touched. I considered asking if he wouldn’t mind me finishing it off, but I knew we had a main course coming and it didn’t really seem appropriate in the circumstances. ‘And I’m so sorry, really I am.’ His eyes looked at me imploringly as he reached over and grabbed my hand. I looked down at his as if I was seeing it for the first time. ‘I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life making it up to you, if only you’ll give me the chance, Annie.’

  ‘Why did you do it, Ed? I don’t understand. Have you always fancied her, was that it? It makes me sick to think of all those years we had together and you were secretly lusting after my best friend all the time. If you wanted her instead of me you should have just left me to be with her. We were supposed to be getting married,’ I said, as if he needed reminding of that fact.

  ‘I know. And I still want us to get married more than anything else in this world. And no, I haven’t always fancied Sophie. I barely even noticed she was there most of the time, if I’m being honest. You’re much more attractive than she is. Lovelier in every way. It’s you I love. You’re my soul mate. I honestly don’t know what I was thinking.’

  Ed had never been one for emotional outpourings so to hear him call me his soul mate was surprising and poignant. Although I wasn’t entirely certain he meant it. In fact, I knew he couldn’t mean it. They were just words he was spouting. You don’t betray your soul mate.

  I’d always been the one who’d pushed our relationship forwards and thinking about it now it had sometimes felt like an uphill struggle. Maybe I’d pushed too hard. Perhaps if I hadn’t tried so hard we’d have come grinding to a halt a long time ago.

  ‘Don’t you? You’re clearly weren’t thinking about me, that’s for sure. I’m sorry, Ed, but it’s over.’ For the first time since all this had happened I felt as though I knew what I wanted. ‘How can we ever get over this? I’d never be able to trust you again.’

  ‘No!’ He slammed his hand down on the table, attracting the curious glances of the other diners. He slunk down in his seat again, offering me a whispered apology for his outburst. ‘Please, don’t say that. We can get over this. I promise you.’

  ‘I don’t think I can. You’ve spoilt everything. All I can see is you and Sophie together.’

  Ed bit on his lip and offered his head back to the ceiling.

  ‘I’m not blaming Sophie. I know I’m as much to blame as she is – probably more so because I was the one in a relationship – but I’m telling the truth when I say she was the one who came on to me. I was weak. I suppose I was flattered. There she was offering me …’ I turned my gaze away not wanting to hear him say the words. ‘Well, offering me everything on a plate and I took it. I should have walked away. I’m sorry, Annie, I made the biggest mistake of my life.’

  Thankfully at that moment the main courses arrived and, despite my earlier resolution to give up on the booze for the day, I ordered a glass of Chablis. In any other circumstances this would have been a lovely occasion, sharing a romantic dinner with the man I was about to marry, but now it was something to be endured rather than enjoyed, something to be simply got through.

  ‘All those plans we had for our future – we can still have those. Think of the amazing day we could have on Saturday. I’ve not stopped thinking how you might look in your dress. Beautiful, I know, but I’ve been anticipating that first moment when I see you on our wedding day, knowing that you’ll be my wife by the end of it. All our friends and families are coming, just think how disappointed they’ll be if it doesn’t go ahead. What will your mum say?’

  My stomach plummeted at the thought.

  ‘Think of the honeymoon,’ he went on, ‘the new house we’ll be moving into, how we might decorate it, what we’ll plant in the garden, the friends we’ll have over to dinner. The children we’ll have one day. Think about the rest of our lives, Annie.’

  ‘Hugo and Madeline?’ I said, with half a smile.

  ‘Yes!’ Ed’s face lit up. ‘If you want!’

  They were the names I’d chosen for our children a long time ago, but Ed had declared them pretentious and poncy. Now, it didn’t give me any satisfaction to hear that he’d finally come round to my way of thinking.

  I smiled. It was hard, though, not to get caught up in Ed’s enthusiasm. Would it be as simple as that? It was everything I’d ever wanted, what we both wanted, and it sounded as though I could still have if I really wanted to. I could almost reach it with my fingertips if only I could forget about everything that had happened.

  ‘What about Sophie?’ I asked.

  ‘What about her?’ he answered tersely. ‘I’ve told her in no uncertain terms that it’s over. Not that we had anything really going on in the first. It was just a couple of times, I promise. I think she thought I might leave you to be with her, but that was never going to happen. I know it’s a thing blokes say, but it never meant anything to me. Really! It was just a physical thing. It shouldn’t have happened, but it did. I can’t change that, but I am really really sorry.’

  ‘But my best friend, Ed? My chief-bridesmaid. You couldn’t have picked anyone worse to cause me maximum hurt.’

  ‘I know, I know, I know. But believe me when I say I didn’t pick her. She came on to me and she can be bloody persistent when she wants to be. I
sound pathetic, I know, but honestly I didn’t stand a chance against her.’

  ‘You do sound pathetic,’ I agreed, but I suspected he had a point. Once Sophie got the bit between her teeth she became an immovable force.

  He clutched his head in his hands, looking defeated. Tiredness was etched around his eyes. He worked long enough hours as it was, but I knew he’d been putting in extra hours in the run-up to the wedding, knowing we’d be away for a couple of weeks.

  I could almost feel sorry for him.

  ‘Just ask Sophie. She’ll tell you how it was. Please don’t throw everything away for something that … well, something that didn’t really mean anything. It was one tiny mistake. Okay, one huge mistake,’ he corrected himself, seeing my doubtful expression, ‘but it’s one mistake I won’t be making again. You and me, we still have the rest of our lives to live.’

  Was that really all it was? A mistake. And even if it was, could I ever forgive him for it? It seemed a huge ask to me. But perhaps I was being too harsh. The night I’d discovered Ed’s infidelity I’d been quite prepared to jump into bed with Ben. And a couple of nights later I was inviting Dave back to my hotel bedroom. Even today I was entertaining very dark thoughts about Dave. Didn’t that make me just as bad as Ed?

  I looked up into his eager expression feeling a surge of affection. We’d had our whole life planned out in front of us. Would it be that difficult to get us back on track?

  We passed on the puddings but a waiter appeared with an ice bucket complete with a bottle of champagne. Although it was becoming my drink of choice, I certainly hadn’t put in this order and I looked across at Ed for an explanation. He gave me a hopeful smile as the waiter placed two flutes on the table and then popped the cork from the bottle. He filled both the glasses, before discreetly disappearing into the shadows.

  Ed raised his glass to me.

  ‘I love you, Annie,’ he said, taking my hand in his, ‘with all my heart. Please make me the happiest man on earth by saying you will marry me this Saturday. I promise I’ll never let you down again.’

  I raised my glass to him in return. Living dangerously, embracing the fear, was all well and good if you were an entrepreneurial type like Dave. I wasn’t. And neither was Ed, I suspected. But despite his recent uncharacteristic behaviour he was a good, decent man who loved me and who I knew would make a wonderful husband and father to someone. I felt certain he meant every word when he declared that he wouldn’t let me down again and he intended to spend the rest of his life making it up to me.

  This week had given me a taster of a different way of life, but I knew I wasn’t kidding anyone. I was never going to navigate the seven seas, or traipse down the Amazon or throw myself out of an aeroplane.

  All I’d ever wanted was a decent man to marry and I had one of those sitting opposite me. Could I throw away my entire future just because Ed had made a stupid mistake? If I really loved him, wouldn’t I be prepared to forgive him?

  And how would I feel if I found out Ed was marrying someone else a few years down the line? Why should someone else get the benefit of this lovely man when he could be mine for keeps? Would I spend the rest of my life regretting a decision I made solely to preserve my pride? Why shouldn’t that someone be me after all? Why shouldn’t I marry Ed?

  I had so many questions that needed answering and there was only one person I knew who’d be able to answer them for me.

  I had to speak to Mum. I cursed myself for not having done it sooner, but now I couldn’t put it off a moment longer. Of course, she’d be shocked at what Ed had done, but the shame and embarrassment and humiliation I felt were not of my making. I had to keep reminding myself of that fact.

  Mum would know absolutely the right thing to do. More than anything, more than any other time in my life, I needed my mum. I looked across at Ed, biting back the tears gathering in my eyes.

  ‘Would you take me home now please, Ed?’

  Chapter Sixteen

  ‘Surprise!’ The welcome was deafening and completely unexpected as I walked through the front door. A fanfare of streamers rained down on my head as a sea of vaguely familiar grinning faces greeted my arrival: aunties, uncles, cousins, a great-aunt or two and an assortment of motley relatives who I hadn’t seen in years.

  ‘Oh!’ My heart slid to the floor as I looked at my mum and dad for an explanation as they all raised a glass to me as one.

  ‘Hello, darling! We thought we’d have a little drinkee before your big today. They’re not staying long, I promise.’ Everyone giggled self-consciously. ‘We know you need your beauty sleep, but everyone wanted to raise a toast to you on your last night as a single woman. How about that? Here you go,’ she said, thrusting a glass my way.

  I didn’t suppose for one moment they’d all just turned up on the off-chance. There’d been some heavy-duty orchestration going on, on Mum’s part, I knew. God bless her.

  ‘Thank you,’ I said, my voice sounding weak and strangely disassociated from my body. The smile fixed upon my face was completely at odds with the feeling of complete dread in the pit of my stomach.

  The relatives had arrived en masse. Mum was in a hyper state of excitement judging by the tell-tale pink blotches travelling up her neck and I just happened to glance over at the dining-room table, which was unrecognisable beneath a mountain of presents, cards and flowers.

  How could I even contemplate cancelling the wedding if I didn’t want to be lynched by the auntie and uncle mob? Why had I been so stupid as to spend the last few days gallivanting around the countryside pretending to be someone I wasn’t when I should have been here sorting out the mess that was my life? And how would I ever get to speak to Mum alone now?

  ‘It’s lovely,’ I said, trying desperately to get into the spirit of things. ‘Just so lovely to see everyone. The thing is, Mum, I wanted to have a chat if that’s all right.’

  ‘Of course, darling. There’ll be plenty of time for that a bit later. First, come and say hello to Auntie Mo and Uncle Brian. They’ve driven all the way down from Scotland today.’

  That was an awfully long way, I knew. Six hours’ driving at the very least, I reckoned. I hadn’t seen them in about fifteen years. I didn’t really know them and they didn’t really know me, and yet it was lovely to think everyone had made such an effort. I sighed inwardly, feeling like a spare part.

  Everything was in place for the most magnificent day ahead and I was cast in the starring role. I wouldn’t have been surprised if Mum had gone the whole hog and ordered printed tea towels with our faces on to give to the unsuspecting guests. She could barely contain her excitement as it was as she propelled me around the crowd, showing me off like a performing seal. I picked up a chipolata from a proffered tray and popped it in my mouth.

  I entertained a thought that Ed and I could slip away in the morning and elope to Gretna Green. The thought of getting married, just the two of us, away from all the fuss and everyone’s prying eyes suddenly seemed very appealing. At least it would get over the problem of Sophie. How could I get married with her at my side? How would I explain it away if she wasn’t at my side? It was all too insurmountable.

  Thankfully, and much to my relief, Mum was true to her word and within the hour the lovely relatives had been dispatched to their hotels with promises of plenty of fabulousness for the following day.

  I was completely exhausted. I felt as though I could climb into my childhood bed and sleep for a whole week, missing the wedding in its entirety.

  Mum made me a mug of hot chocolate and came and sat on the edge of my bed, as she’d done on so many occasions when I was a child. I half expected her to pick up a book and read it to me and the way I was feeling I wouldn’t have objected in the slightest. Instead, she wiped the hair away from my face and stroked her thumb across my cheek.

  ‘You look whacked.’ she said, smiling indulgently. ‘How are you feeling about tomorrow? Are you very excited?’

  ‘The thing is, Mum …’ I wriggled up on the pil
low and looked her in the eyes, not knowing what the hell to say. This was my big opportunity to tell her what had happened, to express my concerns, to say I didn’t know whether I still wanted to marry Ed or not, but I couldn’t, not when she was looking at me with such pride and affection in her gaze. I took a deep breath but the words that had been running around my head for the last few days snagged at the back of my throat and instead I wimped out, smiling. ‘I can’t believe I’m actually doing it, getting married. It seems like such a big thing to do.’

  She threw back her head and laughed, looking girlish.

  ‘Of course it’s a big thing to do. It’s the biggest thing in life you’ll ever do, apart from having your first child, perhaps. But you’re on the brink of a terrific new chapter for you and Ed. I’m not saying marriage is a bed of roses – believe me, it isn’t – but I don’t think my life would have been half as fulfilling if I hadn’t shared it all with your dad. And you’ll have Ed to share your future with. Of course, you’ll have problems to face as well as the good times but you’ll get through them together. As long as you love each other, then you’ll have everything.’

  Was it as simple as that? Loving each other. If you’d asked me a week ago I would have said we were madly in love and could have dealt with anything that was thrown at us. Now I wasn’t so sure, but could I really walk away without giving our relationship, a second chance? What would have happened if the affair had been uncovered six months or six years down the line? We would just have had to have dealt with it and worked through the problem together. Wasn’t that what marriage was all about? Maybe we were just getting our problems out of the way before the marriage.

  I slid back down the pillow and into the depths of my bed, pulling the duvet up under my chin. Tiredness washed over me. I was being silly even considering cancelling the wedding. Ed and I were destined to be together. This was our first major problem and we were sorting it!