Man and Superman and Three Other Plays

by George Bernard Shaw

  SWINDON [embarrassed] Oh, not you, I as—

  BURGOYNE Dont mention it. [To RICHARD, very politely] Any political views, Mr. Anderson?

  RICHARD I understand that that is just what we are here to find out.

  SWINDON [severely] Do you mean to deny that you are a rebel?

  RICHARD I am an American, sir.

  SWINDON What do you expect me to think of that speech, Mr. Anderson?

  RICHARD I never expect a soldier to think, sir.

  BURGOYNE is boundlessly delighted by this retort, which almost reconciles him to the loss of America.

  SWINDON [whitening with anger] I advise you not to be insolent, prisoner.

  RICHARD You cant help yourself, General. When you make up your mind to hang a man, you put yourself at a disadvantage with him. Why should I be civil to you? I may as well be hanged for a sheep as a lamb.

  SWINDON You have no right to assume that the court has made up its mind without a fair trial. And you will please not address me as General. I am Major Swindon.

  RICHARD A thousand pardons. I thought I had the honor of addressing Gentlemanly Johnny.

  Sensation among the officers. The sergeant has a narrow escape from a guffaw.

  BURGOYNE (with extreme suavity] I believe I am Gentlemanly Johnny, sir, at your service. My more intimate friends call me General Burgoyne. [RICHARD bows with perfect politeness]. You will understand, sir, I hope, since you seem to be a gentleman and a man of some spirit in spite of your calling, that if we should have the misfortune to hang you, we shall do so as a mere matter of political necessity and military duty, without any personal ill-feeling.

  RICHARD Oh, quite so. That makes all the difference in the world, of course.

  They all smile in spite of themselves; and some of the younger officers burst out laughing.

  JUDITH [her dread and horror deepening at every one of these jests and compliments] How can you?

  RICHARD You promised to be silent.

  BURGOYNE [to JUDITH, with studied courtesy] Believe me, Madam, your husband is placing us under the greatest obligation by taking this very disagreeable business so thoroughly in the spirit of a gentleman. Sergeant: give Mr. Anderson a chair. [The SERGEANT does so. RICHARD sits down]. Now, Major Swindon: we are waiting for you.

  SWINDON You are aware, I presume, Mr. Anderson, of your obligations as a subject of His Majesty King George the Third.

  RICHARD I am aware, sir, that His Majesty King George the Third is about to hang me because I object to Lord North’s robbing me.

  SWINDON That is a treasonable speech, sir.

  RICHARD [briefly] Yes. I meant it to be.

  BURGOYNE [strongly deprecating this line of defence, but still polite] Dont you think, Mr. Anderson, that this is rather—if you will excuse the word—a vulgar line to take? Why should you cry out robbery because of a stamp duty and a tea duty and so forth? After all, it is the essence of your position as a gentleman that you pay with a good grace.

  RICHARD It is not the money, General. But to be swindled by a pig-headed lunatic like King George—

  SWINDON [scandalised] Chut, sir—silence!

  SERGEANT [in stentorian tones, greatly shocked] Silence!

  BURGOYNE [unruffled] Ah, that is another point of view. My position does not allow of my going into that, except in private. But [shrugging his shoulders] of course, Mr. Anderson, if you are determined to be hanged [JUDITH flinches] there’s nothing more to be said. An unusual taste! however [with a final shrug]—!

  SWINDON [to BURGOYNE] Shall we call witnesses?

  RICHARD What need is there of witnesses? If the townspeople here had listened to me, you would have found the streets barricaded, the houses loopholed, and the people in arms to hold the town against you to the last man. But you arrived, unfortunately, before we had got out of the talking stage; and then it was too late.

  SWINDON [severely] Well, sir, we shall teach you and your townspeople a lesson they will not forget. Have you anything more to say?

  RICHARD I think you might have the decency to treat me as a prisoner of war, and shoot me like a man instead of hanging me like a dog.

  BURGOYNE [sympothetically] Now there, Mr. Anderson, you talk like a civilian, if you will excuse my saying so. Have you any idea of the average marksmanship of the army of His Majesty King George the Third? If we make you up a firing party, what will happen? Half of them will miss you: the rest will make a mess of the business and leave you to the provo-marshal’s pistol. Whereas we can hang you in a perfectly workmanlike and agreeable way. [Kindly] Let me persuade you to be hanged, Mr. Anderson?

  JUDITH [sick with horror] My God!

  RICHARD [to JUDITH] Your promise! [to BURGOYNE] Thank you, General: that view of the case did not occur to me before. To oblige you, I withdraw my objection to the rope. Hang me, by all means.

  BURGOYNE [smoothly] Will i 2 o‘clock suit you, Mr. Anderson?

  RICHARD I shall be at your disposal then, General.

  BURGOYNE [rising] Nothing more to be said, gentlemen. [They all rise].

  JUDITH [rushing to the table] Oh, you are not going to murder a man like that, without a proper trial—without thinking of what you are doing—without—[she cannot find words].

  RICHARD Is this how you keep your promise?

  JUDITH If I am not to speak, you must. Defend yourself: save yourself: tell them the truth.

  RICHARD [worriedly] I have told them truth enough to hang me ten times over. If you say another word you will risk other lives; but you will not save mine.

  BURGOYNE My good lady, our only desire is to save unpleasantness. What satisfaction would it give you to have a solemn fuss made, with my friend Swindon in a black cap and so forth? I am sure we are greatly indebted to the admirable tact and gentlemanly feeling shewn by your husband.

  JUDITH [throwing the words in his face] Oh, you are mad. Is it nothing to you what wicked thing you do if only you do it like a gentleman ? Is it nothing to you whether you are a murderer or not, if only you murder in a red coat? [Desperately] You shall not hang him: that man is not my husband.

  The Officers look at one another, and whisper: some of the Germans asking their neighbors to explain what the woman has said. BURGOYNE, who has been visibly shaken by JUDITH’s reproach, recovers himself promptly at this new development. RICHARD meanwhile raises his voice above the buzz.

  RICHARD I appeal to you, gentlemen, to put an end to this. She will not believe that she cannot save me. Break up the court.

  BURGOYNE [in a voice so quiet and firm that it restores silence at once] One moment, Mr. Anderson. One moment, gentlemen. [He resumes his seat. SWINDON and the officers follow his example]. Let me understand you clearly, madam. Do you mean that this gentleman is not your husband, or merely—I wish to put this with all delicacy—that you are not his wife?

  JUDITH I dont know what you mean. I say that he is not my husband—that my husband has escaped. This man took his place to save him. Ask anyone in the town—send out into the street for the first person you find there, and bring him in as a witness. He will tell you that the prisoner is not Anthony Anderson.

  BURGOYNE [quietly, as before] Sergeant.

  SERGEANT Yes sir.

  BURGOYNE Go out into the street and bring in the first townsman you see there.

  SERGEANT [making for the door] Yes sir.

  BURGOYNE [as the SERGEANT passes] The first clean, sober townsman you see.

  SERGEANT Yes, sir. [He goes out].

  BURGOYNE Sit down, Mr. Anderson—if I may call you so for the present. [RICHARD sits down]. Sit down, madam, whilst we wait. Give the lady a newspaper.

  RICHARD [indignantly] Shame!

  BURGOYNE [keenly, with a half smile] If you are not her husband, sir, the case is not a serious one—for her. [RICHARD bites his lip, silenced] .

  JUDITH [to RICHARD, as she returns to her seat] I couldnt help it. [He shakes his head. She sits down].

  BURGOYNE You will understand of course, Mr. Anderson, th
at you must not build on this little incident. We are bound to make an example of somebody.

  RICHARD I quite understand. I suppose there’s no use in my explaining.

  BURGOYNE I think we should prefer independent testimony, if you dont mind.

  The SERGEANT, with a packet of papers in his hand, returns conducting CHRISTY, who is much scared.

  SERGEANT [giving BURGOYNE the packet] Dispatches, sir. Delivered by a corporal of the 53rd. Dead beat with hard riding, sir. BURGOYNE opens the dispatches, and presently becomes absorbed in them. They are so serious as to take his attention completely from the court martial.

  THE SERGEANT [to CHRISTY] Now then. Attention; and take your hat off. [He posts himself in charge of CHRISTY, who stands on BURGOYNE’s side of the court].

  RICHARD [in his usual bullying tone to CHRISTYJ Dont be frightened, you fool: youre only wanted as a witness. Theyre not going to hang you.

  SWINDON What’s your name?

  CHRISTY Christy.

  RICHARD [impatiently] Christopher Dudgeon, you blatant idiot. Give your full name.

  SWINDON Be silent, prisoner. You must not prompt the witness.

  RICHARD Very well. But I warn you youll get nothing out of him unless you shake it out of him. He has been too well brought up by a pious mother to have any sense or manhood left in him.

  BURGOYNE [springing up and speaking to the SERGEANT in a startling voice] Where is the man who brought these?

  SERGEANT In the guard-room, sir.

  BURGOYNE goes out with a haste that sets the Officers exchanging looks.

  SWINDON [to CHRISTY] Do you know Anthony Anderson, the Presbyterian minister?

  CHRISTY Of course I do [implying that SWINDON must be an ass not to know it].

  SWINDON Is he here?

  CHRISTY [staring round] I dont know.

  SWINDON Do you see him?

  CHRISTY No.

  SWINDON You seem to know the prisoner?

  CHRISTY Do you mean Dick?

  SWINDON Which is Dick?

  CHRISTY [pointing to RICHARD] Him.

  SWINDON What is his name?

  CHRISTY Dick.

  RICHARD Answer properly, you jumping jackass. What do they know about Dick?

  CHRISTY Well, you are Dick, aint you? What am I to say?

  SWINDON Address me, sir; and do you, prisoner, be silent. Tell us who the prisoner is.

  CHRISTY He’s my brother Dick—Richard—Richard Dudgeon. SWINDON Your brother!

  CHRISTY Yes.

  SWINDON You are sure he is not Anderson.

  CHRISTY Who?

  RICHARD [exasperatedly] Me, me, me, you—

  SWINDON Silence, sir.

  SERGEANT [shouting] Silence.

  RICHARD [impatiently] Yah! [To CHRISTY] He wants to know am I Minister Anderson. Tell him, and stop grinning like a zany.

  CHRISTY [grinning more than ever] You Pastor Anderson! (To SWINDON] Why, Mr. Anderson’s a minister—a very good man; and Dick’s a bad character: the respectable people wont speak to him. He’s the bad brother: I’m the good one. [The officers laugh outright. The soldiers grin].

  SWINDON Who arrested this man?

  SERGEANT I did, sir. I found him in the minister’s house, sitting at tea with the lady with his coat off, quite at home. If he isnt married to her, he ought to be.

  SWINDON Did he answer to the minister’s name?

  SERGEANT Yes sir, but not to a minister’s nature. You ask the chaplain, sir.

  SWINDON [to RICHARD, threateningly] So, sir you have attempted to cheat us. And your name is Richard Dudgeon?

  RICHARD Youve found it out at last, have you?

  SWINDON Dudgeon is a name well known to us, eh?

  RICHARD Yes: Peter Dudgeon, whom you murdered, was my uncle.

  SWINDON Hm! [He compresses his lips, and looks at RICHARD with vindictive gravity].

  CHRISTY Are they going to hang you, Dick?

  RICHARD Yes. Get out: theyve done with you.

  CHRISTY And I may keep the china peacocks?

  RICHARD [jumping up] Get out. Get out, you blithering baboon, you. (CHRISTY flies, panicstricken].

  SWINDON [rising—all rise] Since you have taken the minister’s place, Richard Dudgeon, you shall go through with it. The execution will take place at 12 o‘clock as arranged; and unless Anderson surrenders before then you shall take his place on the gallows. Sergeant: take your man out.

  JUDITH [distracted] No, no—

  SWINDON [fiercely, dreading a renewal of her entreaties] Take that woman away.

  RICHARD [springing across the table with a tiger-like bound, and seizing SWINDON by the throat) You infernal scoundrel—

  The SERGEANT rushes to the rescue from one side, the soldiers from the other. They seize RICHARD and drag him back to his place. SWINDON, who has been thrown supine on the table, rises, arranging his stock. He is about to speak, when he is anticipated by BURGOYNE, who has just appeared at the door with two papers in his hand: a white letter and a blue dispatch.

  BURGOYNE [advancing to the table, elaborately cool] What is this? Whats happening? Mr. Anderson: I’m astonished at you.

  RICHARD I am sorry I disturbed you, General. I merely wanted to strangle your understrapper there. [Breaking out violently at SWINDON] Why do you raise the devil in me by bullying the woman like that? You oatmeal faced dog, I’d twist your cursed head off with the greatest satisfaction. [He puts out his hands to the SERGEANT] Here: handcuff me, will you; or I’ll not undertake to keep my fingers off him.

  The SERGEANT takes out a pair of handcuffs and looks to BURGOYNE for instructions.

  BURGOYNE Have you addressed profane language to the lady, Major Swindon?

  SWINDON [very angry] No, sir, certainly not. That question should not have been put to me. I ordered the woman to be removed, as she was disorderly; and the fellow sprang at me. Put away those handcuffs. I am perfectly able to take care of myself.

  RICHARD Now you talk like a man, I have no quarrel with you.

  BURGOYNE Mr. Anderson—

  SWINDON His name is Dudgeon, sir, Richard Dudgeon. He is an impostor.

  BURGOYNE [brusquely] Nonsense, sir; you hanged Dudgeon at Springtown.

  RICHARD It was my uncle, General.

  BURGOYNE Oh, your uncle. [To SWINDON, handsomely] I beg your pardon, Major Swindon. [SWINDON acknowledges the apology stiffly. BURGOYNE turns to RICHARD]. We are somewhat unfortunate in our relations with your family. Well, Mr. Dudgeon, what I wanted to ask you is this: Who is [reading the name from the letter ] William Maindeck Parshotter?

  RICHARD He is the Mayor of Springtown.

  BURGOYNE Is William—Maindeck and so on—a man of his word?

  RICHARD Is he selling you anything?

  BURGOYNE No.

  RICHARD Then you may depend on him.

  BURGOYNE Thank you, Mr—’m Dudgeon. By the way, since you are not Mr. Anderson, do we still—eh, Major Swindon? [meaning “do we still hang him?”]

  RICHARD The arrangements are unaltered, General.

  BURGOYNE Ah, indeed. I am sorry. Good morning, Mr. Dudgeon. Good morning, madam.

  RICHARD [interrupting JUDITH almost fiercely as she is about to make some wild appeal, and taking her arm resolutely] Not one word more. Come.

  She looks imploringly at him, but is overborne by his determination. They are marched out by the four soldiers: the SERGEANT, very sulky, walking between SWINDON and RICHARD, whom he watches as if he were a dangerous animal.

  BURGOYNE Gentlemen: we need not detain you. Major Swindon: a word with you. [The officers go out. BURGOYNE waits with unruffled serenity until the last of them disappears. Then he becomes very grave, and addresses SWINDON for the first time without his title]. Swindon: do you know what this is [shewing him the letter]?

  SWINDON What?

  BURGOYNE A demand for a safe-conduct for an officer of their militia to come here and arrange terms with us.

  SWINDON Oh, they are giving in.

  BURGOYNE They a
dd that they are sending the man who raised Springtown last night and drove us out; so that we may know that we are dealing with an officer of importance.

  SWINDON Pooh!

  BURGOYNE He will be fully empowered to arrange the terms of—guess what.

  SWINDON Their surrender, I hope.

  BURGOYNE No: our evacuation of the town. They offer us just six hours to clear out.

  SWINDON What monstrous impudence!

  BURGOYNE What shall we do, eh?

  SWINDON March on Springtown and strike a decisive blow at once.

  BURGOYNE [quietly] Hm! [Turning to the door] Come to the adjutant’s office.

  SWINDON What for?

  BURGOYNE To write out that safe-conduct. [He puts his hand to the door knob to open it].

  SWINDON [who has not budged] General Burgoyne. BURGOYNE (returning] Sir?

  SWINDON It is my duty to tell you, sir, that I do not consider the threats of a mob of rebellious tradesmen a sufficient reason for our giving way.

  BURGOYNE [imperturbable] Suppose I resign my command to you, what will you do?

  SWINDON I will undertake to do what we have marched south from Boston to do, and what General Howe has marched north from New York to do: effect a junction at Albany and wipe out the rebel army with our united forces.

  BURGOYNE [enigmatically] And will you wipe out our enemies in London, too?

  SWINDON In London! What enemies?

  BURGOYNE [forcibly] Jobbery and snobbery, incompetence and Red Tape. [He holds up the dispatch and adds, with despair in his face and voice] I have just learnt, sir, that General Howe is still in New York.

  SWINDON [thunderstruck] Good God! He has disobeyed orders!

  BURGOYNE [with sardonic calm] He has received no orders, sir. Some gentleman in London forgot to dispatch them: he was leaving town for his holiday, I believe. To avoid upsetting his arrangements, England will lose her American colonies; and in a few days you and I will be at Saratoga with 5,000 men to face 6,000 rebels in an impregnable position.

  SWINDON [appalled] Impossible!

  BURGOYNE [coldly] I beg your pardon!

  SWINDON I cant believe it! What will History say?

  BURGOYNE History, sir, will tell lies, as usual. Come: we must send the safe-conduct. [He goes out].

  SWINDON [following distractedly] My God, my God! We shall be wiped out.