“Eva, this has to stop.”
“Roy, I don’t have the energy for this now,” I said, intending to get up. But he sat me back down.
“Eva, we are going back there and you’re going to tell them everything.”
“Are you crazy?”
“You have to come back to life, and as long as you keep secrets from them, you won’t be able to do that.”
“I can’t.” I was on the verge of tears.
“You can and you must,” he said firmly, and I knew that I had no way out. But I didn’t think I could look them in the eye and tell them the truth.
“I’ll be there with you to help,” he urged me.
“Roy, please.”
“Listen, my sweetheart, I love you very much. You know that, right?”
I nodded.
“I know that the moment you let these things out, you will feel differently. You have to trust me on this. You’re disappearing… I’ll help you,” he promised again. “We’ll go over there tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow?”
“Tomorrow,” he said in a calm voice.
“No, let’s wait a few days.”
The stress of anticipation was keeping me awake. Roy fell asleep and his breathing became relaxed. I turned onto my side but couldn’t get comfortable. I saw Leah’s face and Yaakov’s helplessness. I saw their sorrow when they talked about their missing daughter.
“I don’t understand,” I muttered to myself.
“What don’t you understand?” came Roy’s voice, suddenly sounding wide awake.
“Roy, everything is all jumbled in my head. Who is this Ethel and where is she? If my mother had another daughter, what did she do with her, and why didn’t she ever mention her? Maybe the woman who raised me isn’t even my mother. Maybe that is why she was so cold to me.”
Roy was silent. His face was expressive as he looked at me. His eyes searched mine and his hands gently held on to my arms. His lips weren’t moving, but his expression said something I couldn’t understand.
“Roy?”
“Eva, honey, you have to open your eyes.” His hands dropped from my arms and held my face in front of his. “You have the whole picture right in front of you. Look closely.”
“I don’t understand what you’re saying,” I said, on the verge of tears.
“You didn’t need to look for any more answers. They’re right in front of you.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. What answers? I don’t understand a thing!” My voice broke down into intermittent sobs and Roy gathered me to him in a strong embrace.
And then, through a thick film of tears, with my head sunk deep into his chest, I said what I already knew: “Ethel.. is me…”
Roy tightened his embrace and rocked our bodies back and forth. When my crying subsided, he separated us and looked in my eyes again, as if he wanted to see if there was something new in them, that wasn’t there before.
“How do you feel?”
“Weird.”
“I know.”
“I feel like a stranger lives inside my body. Everything I thought about myself isn’t true at all; not my name, my parents—nothing. I need to reintroduce myself to myself.”
“What would you like to do?”
“What should I do, Roy? What do you think I should do?”
“I will accept whatever you decide.”
“I want to go over there.”
“When?”
“In the morning.”
“Are you sure?”
“Now I am.”
***
We went to Cypress Beach the next day. The whole way I urged Roy to press harder on the gas pedal, but he gently reminded me to try and relax. During the ride, I expressed to him my fears that they wouldn’t want to open the door for me, especially after my sudden departure from their house. I went from hope to despair due to the uncertainty of what was about to happen. Between life and death, that’s how I saw things. Maybe they will accept me or maybe they will ask never to see me again. Roy tried to calm me down, but he was also tense. He was afraid of the ramifications on my future, on our future, that could arise from the meeting. I wanted everything to work out so much, but in real life there are hitches, especially in my life. Although my life was connected to theirs, the fear of disappointment took away my courage to talk about it out loud. One fantasy swirled around in my head: the fantasy of unconditional love.
We reached the street that had now become familiar. I told myself that this may be the last time I see them. Roy stopped the car in front of the house and I went to battle for my life. We crossed the street. The shutters were open and dots of light shone through them. Roy made way for me and let me stand in front of him.
I knocked on the door, lightly at first, and then harder. I took a deep breath and waited. Footsteps could be heard from inside and the door opened. When Leah saw us, the expression on her face changed and she slammed the door shut. We looked at each other and Roy gave me a loving expression that gave me the courage not to give up.
“Leah, please open the door.”
“Go away. I don’t want to see you,” she said.
“Leah, you have to open up. I’m not leaving here until you open this door.”
“You can stand there till tomorrow. This door is not open to you.”
“Leah, I’m your granddaughter. I’m Sonia’s daughter.”
Silence from the other side of the door. No answer was forthcoming for many long minutes.
I slipped my hand into my purse and pulled out the sheet of paper I had brought with me and began to read.
Nichka, my love
Your tears are engraved on my shirt like the stains of memory. I caress them with my fingers and kiss them. That way I can feel you, as if you were still with me, next to my body. Don’t cry, my love, our love is stronger than any distance. My beautiful Nichka, you know that we have our whole lives ahead of us and what is two years in comparison. Think constantly of the time when we will be together and inseparable. Think about the joy we have experienced together, the laughter. Your marvelous laughter is ringing now in my ears, overcoming the dull hum of the airplane’s engines taking me away from you.
I stopped for a moment. My weeping mixed in with the same sound from the other side of the door.
“If they were to ask me what is unique about your love, my answer would be immediate: your laughter. Don’t ever stop laughing, your laughter overcomes anything.” The door slowly opened. Leah stood before me, her face furrowed with rivers of tears.
We went inside. Yaakov came out of one of the rooms and sat in the armchair. His face also showed evidence of tears. Leah invited us to sit down. We sat in the same place we sat during our last visit. It felt like we had never parted and were just continuing the conversation from where we left off. Doubt was apparent on her face.
“Why do you think you are our granddaughter?” she asked directly.
I wanted to answer, but Roy intervened. He said, “I think if you tell us Sonia’s story, we will get the answers to questions we all have; it will be safer that way.”
Nichka’s Story
“David, come on already! It’s going to be dark soon and we won’t be able to see a thing.”
“Don’t worry, Sonichka, there are still a few hours of light left. What are you laughing at?”
“You look funny.”
“Why?”
“What did you just eat?”
“A sandwich with chocolate.”
“I thought so.” She laughed. “The chocolate is smeared all over your face. Stop using your hands to clean it—you’re making a bigger mess. And now your hair is full of chocolate too,” she said, and handed him a handkerchief from her pants pocket.
“Where are you running to?”
“Come on, you old man, move those legs.”
They reached the forest clearing behind her house, where a puddle the size of a tiny lake had formed after the heavy rain last weekend.
&nbs
p; “Did you bring everything we need?” he asked.
“Of course,” she said and burst out laughing again.
“What?”
“Can’t you hear it?”
“No.”
“Listen.”
They both stopped talking for a moment and then she began to cavort around him, circling him while hopping and croaking like a toad.
“Enough. Stop it!” he called out.
“I can’t,” she said and continued to croak.
“Stop, you’re annoying.”
“Ribbit, ribbit, ribbit.”
“I’m leaving, do your work by yourself.”
“No, no. Don’t go. I’m stopping! Just a bit more and it will stop on its own. Ribbit, ribbit.”
It was always like that. She found something funny in everything they did. He was the serious one. He was always threatening not to go with her again, but then he’d forget and go anyway. A day wouldn’t go by that they didn’t get together, even on weekends.
She was ten years old and he was almost thirteen. In two weeks, they would celebrate his Bar Mitzvah and he would be busy studying the Torah portion he would deliver at the synagogue. Every day after school, the Rabbi would come to his house and teach him about the Torah. Sonichka would sit at home watching the hands of the clock. As soon as she saw it was five o’clock, she’d jump from her seat and run over to the Weiss family house, which was three doors down from hers. She was very excited about the upcoming festivities and made her mother promise to sew her a wonderful dress that would make all her other dresses pale in comparison so that David would see how beautiful she was.
The Bar Mitzvah day came. She was restless. For some reason the event was important to her. She stood in front of the mirror for hours. When she looked at her face and suddenly noticed a small pimple under her nose, her screams pierced through the walls of the house.
Her mother, who came running to the sounds of her screams, found her sitting on the bed crying. She showed her the pimple, which to her was a catastrophe. Her mother made an attempt to conceal the almost imperceptible pimple with makeup.
That’s what Nichka was like, full of powerful emotions.
“Mother, what am I going to do if he doesn’t like my dress?”
“It’s not the dress, it’s you… It’s you he will love.” Her mother tried to console her.
“Ridiculous,” she yelled. “You are talking nonsense. He has to love the dress!”
“He will.” The mother tried again, but she knew that nothing would help. If she could speed up time, she would have done so right then and there; she was afraid she wouldn’t be able to handle her until the evening.
Nichka was beautiful. Her dress, blue like the surface of the sea, emphasized the blue of her eyes. Her immature body was already suggestive of the lean, tall body of a teenager. When she entered the synagogue lobby, where the reception was being held, many heads turned her way. But she only saw one. She followed the movement of his eyes, saw the way his mouth moved, the way his hands became fists. He went up to her and kissed her on both cheeks.
“You’re so ugly,” he said.
“So are you. My eyes hurt so much from looking at you.”
He is so handsome, she thought and looked around at the girls from his class who were staring at him in admiration. If one of them dares to approach him, I’ll kill her, and if he smiles at one of them, I’ll kill him.
When he sang his Torah portion, she thought he had the most beautiful voice she’d ever heard. He read in a steady voice without errors. The women’s section saw mostly his back, but she knew what his face looked like without having to see it. She saw his jaw stiffen right before he began his reading; she knew that he took a deep breath so he wouldn’t run out of air, and she knew that his hands were gripping the podium where the Torah was lying. He would let go only when he finished his portion. He was very nervous, she thought; his shoulders were shaking. It was clear that no one else saw what she saw so clearly.
Finally, when it was over, everyone went out to the lobby, shook his hand, and complimented him on his reading of the Torah portion. When she reached him, she shook his hand and said, “Awful. It was just awful!” This time he didn’t return her banter.
***
Something happened to him after the Bar Mitzvah. He changed. Maybe he believed that the Bar Mitzvah ceremony required him to grow up. They no longer got together as often as they used to. Now he hung out with friends from his class, and sometimes she saw girls showing up. This broke her heart into a million pieces. She secluded herself at home. Her contagious laughter became a rare occurrence.
When she turned twelve, her parents threw her a party in a small reception hall not far from the house. The Weisses were also invited. Her mother sewed her a white dress with delicate lace borders decorated with pearl beads that shone in the light. Her younger sister Didi put very subtle makeup on her face and glamorous lipstick on her full lips. Her body was not quite that of a girl, but not a young woman’s either, and it looked like she wasn’t quite comfortable with it. Her mother wanted her to wear white high heels, but she insisted on buying flats instead. She didn’t want to be taller than him, but she didn’t tell anyone the real reason for her insistence.
When she entered the hall, she didn’t hear the murmuring or notice the looks being sent her way. Her eyes searched only for him. He stood next to his father. He was fifteen already, a man. His voice had changed not long ago and sounded deep, although every once in a while, a croak would slip out, and she would burst out laughing. He remained serious. Once he even told her that he didn’t ever want to see her again, that he was tired of her laughter. Now he looked at her and she didn’t recognize the expression on his face. This was the first time she couldn’t interpret what was hiding behind his sea-blue eyes. She moved closer to him, and he tilted his head toward her and planted a kiss on her cheek. “Congratulations,” he said and smiled a peculiar smile.
Afterward, he went to sit at the table. She saw his back most of the night. He didn’t get up from the table, even when the music was playing and everyone got up to dance. She expected him to also get up, but he remained seated, as if he didn’t hear a note of the music. The celebration was completely ruined; she didn’t enjoy herself one bit; she wanted it to be over already.
What happened to him? she asked herself. What did I do to make him act this way? In the days that followed, he continued to distance himself from her. Every so often he would come over, but after a brief time would say he had to go. They no longer laughed together like they did once. He didn’t tease her, like before, when she made him laugh. She felt lifeless. Every day was exactly like the previous one. She wanted to grow up already; she thought that when she got older, she would understand why he was acting like this.
One day she went out to the forest behind her house where they used to go when they were younger. There was a big rock there where they would sit and where they had engraved their names side by side. It had rained unexpectedly the day before. The soil was still damp and the surrounding weeds were slippery. She looked around from where she stood. This is our place, she said to herself, even if he’s not here. She went to their rock and began to climb up. Suddenly her feet slipped and there was nothing to hold on to. She slipped down the steep rock with her hands struggling to grasp something to stop her fall. But the weeds around the rock tore off easily and she continued to fall. She landed on the ground and her head hit a sharp stone lying there. For a split second, she thought No one knows where I am and then the world disappeared as darkness covered her.
***
“Stupid,” he said.
“You’re stupid yourself,” she answered, and for a moment she didn’t recognize her own voice.
She was lying in a hospital bed, covered up to her shoulders. Her head was dizzy and wrapped in bandages. “What are you doing here?”
“Sitting.”
“Why?”
“I told you, because you’re stupid.”
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“David, how did I get here?”
“Your parents came over in the evening looking for you. They said that you left the house in the afternoon and hadn’t returned. They were sure we were together, but when it got late and you still hadn’t come home, they came looking for you at my house.”
“And…”
“And I knew exactly where you were. I ran to the rock and found you unconscious.”
“You ran?”
“Yes, I ran… Happy?”
“Yes.”
“That’s all. We brought you here and you slept like a bear in winter.”
“Did you try to wake me up?”
“Yes.”
“How?”
“What do you mean, how?”
“How did you try to wake me up?”
“Tell me something, are you crazy? What does it matter how I tried to wake you up?”
“Like Snow White or Cinderella?”
“What?”
“Did you kiss me and then I woke up?”
“You are living in a fairy tale.”
They both smiled at the same time and knew their crisis was behind them.
Two weeks later, when she was released from the hospital, they met at the rock in the forest.
“I missed you,” she said. When he didn’t answer, she asked, “And you?”
“And me what?”
She grabbed the end of a weed and began to put it under his shirt. He squirmed and tried to get away from it, but gave in finally and said, “Yes, I missed you too. Now leave me alone.”
When she got home, she went into her bedroom, closed the door, and sat on her bed. He is so beautiful, she thought. Now she could wear high heels. He was taller than she was by a head and a half. He was already sixteen years old and she had just turned thirteen, but her feelings for him, she knew, would never change, even when she turned one hundred.
On her sixteenth birthday, they surprised her. She had just come home from school and went into the kitchen to fix herself something to eat. She was always starving when she got home from school. Usually her mother was waiting for her and her brother and the meal was already on the table. This time the house was empty. She was very surprised, because usually on her birthday and her brother’s, the whole family was home to celebrate together. The answer to her question was found in a note left by her mother on the table. It said, “My darling, Didi had a terrible toothache so we had to take her to the doctor. Dan is at basketball practice, and Dad will be home from work later. I’m sorry, my sweetie. Happy birthday. Love, Mom.”
Life in a Box Page 31
